Virginity problem running in the family

[Lundi]

I could understand that viewpoint, I did learn a lot and have academic stuff on my list of things accomplished. It is just that I often feel lonely and unwanted. And because I have a high sex drive, which sounds totally counterintuitive for a virgin at 30, I have to relieve my urges everyday or every other day.

I travel a bit, but always alone. I discover new places, new things but I feel like I have no one to share these experiences with but myself.

So on the intellectual front, I feel like I am doing well. But it just seems like something is always missing.

Even my mother, who has struggled with relationships plus has Asperger's and was a virgin until age 27, has told me a few times that if I had a girlfriend, no my problems would not be solved, but it would enrich life a lot more than just doing everything solitarily and feeling lonely.

 

[Judge]

Even my mother, who has struggled with relationships plus has Asperger's and was a virgin until age 27, has told me a few times that if I had a girlfriend, no my problems would not be solved, but it would enrich life a lot more than just doing everything solitarily and feeling lonely.

She'd be right, too.

In retrospect it was having those relationships with NT women that really reflected my autistic tendencies. Made worse because neither myself or any one of them had any idea I could be on the spectrum of autism.

When I look at the failure of nearly all of those relationships, I hold myself entirely responsible based largely on my autistic traits and behaviors. Though sex was never an issue. At a time when I had no understanding of my autism or how to conduct myself relative to my relationships.

 

[Lundi]

I am pleased with my academic achievements, albeit not entirely satisfied yet. But that is another story.

But when I have nice moments, be it just doing my own hobbies or travelling, I cannot help but wonder over and over, what would life be like if I were doing these things, but I were not single.

In Portugal I had a pleasant, picturesque train ride between the cities of Porto and Lisbon. Stunning landscape, nice sunset (similar to the one in my profile avatar). But I was alone, just reading language books on the train whilst listening to old love songs by Bread. Having no one to share these moments often puts me in a depressive state. Which is why I try not to think about being single so that I do not fall into depression when I ruminate about this issue over and over.

 

[Lundi]

Yes. It is YOUR choice and always will be. The most important thing to keep in perspective.

Another choice as an adult is to choose to avoid those who would treat you in such a manner. To strive to cut abusive personalities out of your life, when and where possible.

In my case, even people in their 40s and 50s ask me. Over here it is common for everyone at any age to talk openly about their sexual encounters and ask other people about theirs.

At a meetup last month, one guy in his 50s had said how he had not had sex in a long time, and that he wanted a second girlfriend. Then he had asked me about my sex life.

I saw him last week at a meetup, and he had what looks to be a new girlfriend again. He basically paraded his girlfriend around the bar like he were showing off. This time however I refused to talk to him.

There is sometimes this fat guy in his 60s probably who is single. In the few instances where I have talked with him, he would say things about how dating is hard here and that men have certain needs that need satisfying and all that rubbish.

If you ever visit here and attend social gatherings, be prepared to get shocked when your 40-something or 50-something year old acquaintance tells you out of the blue that s/he has not had sex in such-and-such long time or whatever. Then they will turn the topic over to you and ask you about your own sex life.​

 

[Judge]

In my case, even people in their 40s and 50s ask me. Over here it is common for everyone at any age to talk openly about their sexual encounters and ask other people about theirs.

I'm afraid to ask. Where is "here" for you?

Seems to me you made another post regarding the Bay Area. A place I lived and worked in for many years. Other than a close friend asking me such a thing once or twice who also knew my girlfriend, I can't recall much of anyone asking me such a thing.

Of course working in SF's financial district, one couldn't easily assume who was gay and who was straight. A good reason to mind one's business, especially back in the turbulent 80s. Our branch on California Street moved to the East Bay in 1990...so ended my connection to the city. Maybe times have changed.

 

[Lundi]

My mother is around your age. In the 1980s she also worked Downtown. Things were fairly normal and no one asked her such questions back then.

But the 1980s are much different compared to 2019. Many people who were in San Francisco back in the 1980s have already moved out to somewhere else. If your only memories of San Francisco are from 1990 and before, then I can see why this environment seems so foreign to you.

My parents have lived here for decades, and even 2010 compared to 2019 is a big difference here. The culture has changed a lot even in the past few years. There is more tech, more sex, more money.

Maybe as a subtle sign of the times, there is a big porn film production studio in I believe in the northern half of Mission District. It is called "The Armoury". If I am not mistaken they make films for the BDSM genre. I first noticed that sex is openly talked about when I started going to meetups and people kept asking me if I wanted to visit that porn production studio and attend their events. Of course I declined. Which some then found it in their mind to think that I was a virgin. In any case, this porn studio dungeon place was definitely not there when you were in San Francisco from 1990 and before.

 

[Judge]

My mother is around your age. In the 1980s she also worked Downtown. Things were fairly normal and no one asked her such questions back then.

But the 1980s are much different compared to 2019. Many people who were in San Francisco back in the 1980s have already moved out to somewhere else. If your only memories of San Francisco are from 1990 and before, then I can see why this environment seems so foreign to you.

Thanks for clarifying this.

That gentrification I spoke of in the other thread. That brought in countless people well outside of San Francisco, who may well have significantly changed the place socially speaking.

I don't know about porn studio productions, but I do recall all the live sex entertainment found in the North Beach area in the 70s and 80s. The sort of stuff seen in the movie "Dirty Harry". All that was for real.

The last physical vestige of the sex entertainment industry I recall was the Mitchell Brothers Theater that was still around in the late 80s. Nicely painted on the outside, but I can't say what went on inside. But I can guess!

One thing that probably hasn't changed is not to venture into the Tenderloin or the Western Addition. From the Bay Bridge it all looks strikingly scenic. But once you get downtown, it's much like any other metropolitan area of the US.

 

[Lundi]

Most of my friends and acquaintances from here have left and moved elsewhere. Excessively high rent, disappointment with the culture, or some other reason. So most of the people here are from other places. Most also are in tech.

The Financial District still have some people in finance. But most of that area is tech-oriented. Right on Market Street, you see Google's SF headquarters, plus the headquarters of Facebook, Twitter, Uber, Dropbox, Lyft and other multinational tech companies. I have a big feeling that the tech people are bringing in this habit of openly talking about sex. Some people just talk about two things: tech and sex.

The people in their 20s and 30s are usual culprits for this habit. But like I said, you also get people in their 40s, 50s and 60s who talk like this. They are also from other places. You would think that mostly men would talk about sex and virginity, but some older women have discussed this with me out of the blue as well.

Like in my other thread, a woman who told me that she had graduated university in 1973 started talking to me about her divorce, her lack of boyfriends because dating is so hard here, and then her lack of sex. Yet her children are older than I am. Usually you would not expect someone to speak so openly about these subjects.

 

[Judge]

Yeah I remember the development of SoMa. Used to go to Moscone Center to see Seybold's trade shows when I was a Silicon Valley web designer in the late 90s. Don't recall much of anyone discussing sex when I worked for a well known Software Entertainment entity. But that was 1999 to 2001 well outside of SF.

One thing for sure, it sounds like you are dealing with an entirely different sort of people compared to my experience in the Bay Area. But then mass migrations usually have consequences of all kinds.

 

[Lundi]

If you visited now, you might not recognise the city. I grew up here, and even I can see that it looks nothing like how it used to look even 10 years ago. The TransAmerica building and the Bank of America building Downtown are no longer the tallest buildings in the city--there is a new SalesForce tower that in my opinion, looks bad, but people seem to like it.

Most people now are from away. Native San Franciscans are very rare. So rare, that when I attend meetups, people tell me that they have never met a native San Francisco in their lives. If you talk to people, you notice that when asked about how long they have lived here, many say "a few months", "a year", "two years" and even "just a few weeks". Most people move here then leave. Then more people take their spot from other places. One idiot even told me, "You mean people are born in San Francisco? I thought that everyone who lives here came from somewhere else."

I think that also the discussing sex thing stems a lot from the "bro" culture. I am not sure if back in your tech period, people in their 20s were talking like this. But people especially in their 20s and 30s here talk like they are still in high school or in a university fraternity. You will hear a lot of talk about "game" and "scoring". Kind of like the conversations that you hear from the cartoon Beavis and Butthead.

A few years ago I once attended a meetup that was designed to get people connected to know each other as friends. Turned out that the meetup was a beer pong tournament. And everyone kept within their circle of friends and excluded me because I came alone.

 

[GrownupGirl]

You should know better as a women you select sexual partners based on what qualities?

I am also a virgin. And I'm 45 years old. I'm a female incel, but I have no desire to be with a partner. I don't need one, and I don't care that society thinks that I do because society can kiss my flat white incel butt.

 

[Kalinychta]

@Lundi You remind me of Dr. Frankenstein from the television show Penny Dreadful. He’s a virgin because he’s spent his life deeply absorbed in study and research, just like you. He’s pretty cool.

 

[Lundi]

You remind me of Dr. Frankenstein from the television show Penny Dreadful. He’s a virgin because he’s spent his life deeply absorbed in study and research, just like you. He’s pretty cool.

I have never seen that show. At first I thought that you meant Frankenstein as in the zombie. Because some people have told me that before.

Just focussing on academics however gets lonely very quickly.

 

[SusanLR]

One idiot even told me, "You mean people are born in San Francisco? I thought that everyone who lives here came from somewhere else."

Sounds like that one has "Googled" too much!
Silicon brain.

Bad as when the teacher asked the 10 yr. old girl where does milk come from?
She replied, "The store."

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

I am also a virgin. And I'm 45 years old. I'm a female incel, but I have no desire to be with a partner. I don't need one, and I don't care that society thinks that I do because society can kiss my flat white incel butt.

incel is "involuntary celibates" you "voluntary celibate" its a big difference and you can stop this at any time by placing a simple AD on dating site if you decide one day and instantly get 20+ responses of guys who want to date you. For guy its much more complicated.

 

[SusanLR]

I found there are many "cels" according to an article in the Sun paper and used at an incel forum.
I didn't know there were so many different types.

What are the terms used by incels?

• Incel - refers to anyone who is not in a relationship nor had sex in a significant amount of time, despite multiple attempts
• Truecel - a person who has never had sex or been in a relationship despite numerous attempts
• Mentalcel - someone whose reason for failure in a relationship or sex is related to mental illness or major insecurities
• Volcel - a person who is abstinent and does not engage in sex for various reasons
• Fakecel - someone who claims to be an incel but has recently had sex or been in a relationship
• Chads/Stacys - used to refer to men who are physically attractive and women who choose them over incels.

Just found these definitions informational.

 

[Crossbreed]

What are the terms used by incels?

Here's one they should have,

• Recel - Incel after a divorce...