Volatile relationship with father.

[techteach]

There are two sides to every story...

Sounds like this has been going on for some time, attitudes can develop on both sides that are improper/unkind.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Nauti]

Quit speaking down to people in serious situations, PLEASE. It's not very nice of you, please try and act more mature rather than bashing other users for having abusive relationships at home, these people are going through something serious - rather than trying to help you decide to talk down to them? YOU need serious fixing if you're going to talk down to someone for having these problems, try being supportive next time. SIMPLY because someone has a different experience than you doesn't mean that they are in the wrong, quit harassing this user over their problems. Your profile indicates you are a 46 year old woman, most 46 year old women aren't immature and selfish enough to go online telling off abuse victims, but YOU are.

And don't go parading around that this is some kind of "personal attack" as if you were actually supportive and helpful to this person I WOULD NOT be responding to you in this fashion. This poor guy (or woman idk) is verbally abused by their father on a regular basis and what do YOU take it upon yourself to do? You go on here telling them to "man up" and that there are "more alpha ways to stop it" and the hogwash you were spewing about them being "arrogant" especially ticked me off. Having an abusive home life DOES NOT mean arrogancy. Though I have a normal home life, people talking down to the abused ticks me off to no end, because you know, most rational people HATE abusers.

Yeah, you totally misunderstand me. I didn't come on here asking for your advice. And I tried, honestly I did. You twist my words, you don't address anything in a rational way and it's a disempowering and disrespectful approach that you advocate for and demonstrate all round. You know nothing about me and are clearly in a rage and want me to fawn and capitulate. This is going no where. I'm out.
Just to address one of the things you misunderstood, because there are so many. I meant his father could behave in a more Alpha, dignified and patient manner but he can't change his dad's behaviour only his own. Maybe reread everything I said without all the ego getting out of control stuff and you might get more out of it. Now I'm feeling like I'm actually being annoyingly condescending.
Ok enough.

 

[Nauti]

Actually you know what? I'm not done. I had only just woken up before and was greeted by @Connor W. 's post and I'm not at my best first thing.
I will spell things out with (hopefully) some more clarity and tact, tact, perhaps not always an Aspie/Auti like me's best attribute but I like to be clear so here goes...
@Connor W. , I was suggesting a slightly more grateful, compassionate and humble approach, for the Original poster.
One learns in life that no one actually owes you anything.
And only you have the power to change a situation you don't like by your own actions.
Expecting other's to change because you feel entitled isn't actually going to get you anywhere.
One needs to look at one's own behaviour and see what you can do to facilitate a positive change.
Being civil helps.
Trying to see what might be happening for the other person and treating them as you would like them to treat you, is a great approach, if you want a relationship to improve.
Finally, as a parent of lots of children and someone who know what narcissistic abuse is like, it doesn't sound at all like that, to me. His dad sounds hurt, disempowered and alienated. It isn't what I know bullying to look and sound like, more like stress, a lack of rapport and a man trying to maintain some control in his own family, as the head of that family. Maybe (Dad) is suffering financial woes as well? or maybe he is an Aspie too, and not good at navigating situations where emotions run high?
Whatever the reason for Dad's behaviour, compassion and respect, rather than ailenation, condescention, and expectation will surely yeild more fruitful and empowering and repairative communication.
I was, actually, only trying to help.
One clunky Autistic communicator to another.

 

[Jojo_LB]

Very kind of you. Thank you for sharing your story. I truly mean it! Is your husband supportive to you? Does he tollerate your obsessions etc? My mother can't ever understand I might have Autism. Plus I was born with Hemiplegia (not serious or regressive disability but still in need of osteopathic treatments etc). She does not realise I need to work on myself. She is a narcissist. I am like a phantom to her. It is truly disgusting to have a mother like this. No other member in my family apart from my French aunt (my father's sister) and the third wife of my father (she is very kind to me). All women in my family hate each other. When my father died 7 years ago we all lost contacts. So much selfishness. I am afraid I will become as my mother. Living next to people like this is toxic.

Yes my husband is very supportive, thank goodness.

I hope you find a way to get away from your mother. She is making your life harder, and you don't need that in your life. The only way you can go forward is to get away from her. The longer you are around toxicity, the more harm will be done. If she's been like this her whole life, if she isn't making any efforts with you now, she won't anytime soon.

Best of luck to you

 

[Jojo_LB]

@Frostee , it doesn't help to dwell on whether or not you're right in feeling like you do. Your feelings are your feelings. Whether anyone thinks you're right for feeling a certain way, they're your feelings and none of us can tell you in any way at all if you're wrong for feeling how you do.

You are bothered by your family's attitude and treatment of you. Don't dismiss that. Clearly there is something wrong.

If this kind of treatment has been going on your entire life, since you were a child, and they are still treating you like this, you don't owe them anything.

The best thing you can do is look after yourself. Don't worry about if your family is right or you're right. You felt troubled enough that you came here to ask for advice and you are asking if it's OK to feel a certain way?! That is a major sign of someone who has been mistreated for a long, long time.

Listen to your own feelings, do what is best for you, whatever that is. If it's to go away from the people who don't support or try to understand you, that's a great idea. If you want to hang around while you think of more doable options, that's fine too. But just keep in mind you will continue to struggle with your confidence and self-esteem the longer you allow interactions like these to happen. Try to limit them as much as possible. Good luck.

 

[Jojo_LB]

Also, it will do you a lot of good to get a lot more independence. If you aren't already, start doing everything for yourself. Don't rely on your parents anymore. Since you have some money, it would be a good idea to help with some bills as you are still there. Try to work out something that makes financial sense for you and that your parents can agree on.

But other than that, you should try to be as independent as you are able to, and as I said, limit the interactions.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Learn about yourself

Change the way you act.

This will change the outcome

You keep doing the same things and moaning about it.

Set up a system to change.
use an online diary.
This will help you label situations and learn from them

Ask yourself ' what do I need to do to get the outcome I want?'

Your thoughts are not you.
Learn to change them.
Think ' is this thought working for me?'
Give up any thoughts about what you think is right - think about outcomes.

Tour relationship with your father can be a testing ground for The wider world.
Imagine and think about it as a lesson .

People far worse than your dad our there...

Learn about yourself through him,grow and change.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Quit speaking down to people in serious situations, PLEASE. It's not very nice of you, please try and act more mature rather than bashing other users for having abusive relationships at home, these people are going through something serious - rather than trying to help you decide to talk down to them? YOU need serious fixing if you're going to talk down to someone for having these problems, try being supportive next time. SIMPLY because someone has a different experience than you doesn't mean that they are in the wrong, quit harassing this user over their problems. Your profile indicates you are a 46 year old woman, most 46 year old women aren't immature and selfish enough to go online telling off abuse victims, but YOU are.

And don't go parading around that this is some kind of "personal attack" as if you were actually supportive and helpful to this person I WOULD NOT be responding to you in this fashion. This poor guy (or woman idk) is verbally abused by their father on a regular basis and what do YOU take it upon yourself to do? You go on here telling them to "man up" and that there are "more alpha ways to stop it" and the hogwash you were spewing about them being "arrogant" especially ticked me off. Having an abusive home life DOES NOT mean arrogancy. Though I have a normal home life, people talking down to the abused ticks me off to no end, because you know, most rational people HATE abusers.

I'm with Nauti on this.

I think you called it wrong.

You're 15. There's a lot you do get.

A lot you don't. It can't be any other way.

 

[H-Kath]

I have an extremely volatile relationship with my father.

This behavior reminds me of my mother and my ex. My mother's diagnosed with GAD, OCD, and PTSD though she acted enough like my ex to make me wonder if those diagnoses were correct or if she had a more severe trauma disorder. Have you seen Mommie Dearest? Put that in a trailer park and you have my childhood. My ex had BPD, and I eventually kicked him out when he started trying to beat up people we lived with. He didn't want to work on his problems, just inconsistently take antidepressants and screw up his blood sugar with crash diets.

When I realized that talking to my mother made me a miserable and awful person, I stopped talking to her. It did wonders for me.

This is why my mother and I haven't spoken in three or four years. She sent me a really creepy birthday card in the mail this year, which gave me a flashback.

- Cousins and sister where there.
- I mostly sat there and didn’t say anything. A few of the older relatives spoke to me, but most didn’t.
- My parents, aunts and grandparents adopted an attitude of mostly ignoring my cousins and I.
- My grandmother only spoke to me as I was leaving to say thank you for coming.

Ugh, that reminds me of my family. When I was young and would ask why no one seemed to like me I was told they didn't like me because I'm not talkative in group settings. Whenever I'd tell my family that I didn't know what to say they'd tell me to "just talk to them." Never helped. When I was about 9 years old I went with my mother to see her grandmother. I had no idea what to say to this woman so I asked my mother for advice. She told me to find something about her clothing or hair that I genuinely thought looked nice and compliment her on it. She'd been having her hair color toned as old women did back then to look white. Well, in the lighting in the restaurant it looked like a very pastel blue. I wanted hair that color, so I told her that she had very pretty blue hair. I didn't understand why she didn't talk to me after that but my mother waited until she left to drag me by arm and growl in my ear about what a horrible embarrassment I was, and that I knew better. I can still smell her sour breath. Is it any wonder I was terrified of talking to relatives? This wasn't the only time I was punished like that for not socializing correctly. It still hurts to have my left bicep grabbed.

I will say that I ran away from my mother to go live with my father when I was 15. I moved out on my own at 18. I'd completely lost patience with being yelled at over petty things and generally treated like a burden because I'm not my step-mother's biological child. I don't speak to any of my relatives. I don't want to. I have my own life now with people that are genuinely kind and willing to work on their issues. Leaving behind people that were always going to treat me badly was one of the best decisions I've made.

 

[Nauti]

Thank you for commenting @Nauti, I thought I had lost my mind until I read your comments!

My parents have been quite awful a lot of the time, and I would never talk to them like that, and I've never agreed with the whole "they did this so why should I respect them" arguement. I give them money when they need it and if they need all I have then I that's what I give.

And the idea that parents "owe" their kids anything is a lovely ideal and I'd love for that to be a reality, but it isn't. If a parent provides for their children for as long as the child needs it, that's a blessing, not a right.

Thank you @Fino . It's funny, I feel myself, a bit jelly of the OP. It beats being on your own from a very young age, even if things are way less than great with a parent.

I was, basically "shipped out" and had to go live with strangers at 13. Then my folks traded me back and forth, my parents lived in, almost different countries, my mum lived very isolated, on an island, with a clutch of late-in-life-babies, hence the "shipping out" and my dad was busy with a new family, too, as well as he was a very under-empowered Aspie, himself, so I missed out, really, on being parented as a teen. Then because of the Aspie, trauma, neglect and no parental care, I skipped out of school, practically lost my mind, got knocked up and ended up in a bad abuse relationship, long time.

It's good if you can count your blessings and if you have enough time, under your parent's roof to get your life in order, so you don't end up in as bad situations as I have been in.
My mother was very abusive, violent, histrionic and ambivalent. My Dad, too depressed and socially disabled and took no action on my behalf when he should have. I wish I had known how to get people to treat me better,, I wish I had had some communication skills to help me get looked after when I was young, but alas, I did not. It is a miracle I survived at all.

 

[Tom]

Pretty much all families have problems. But like countries engaged in perennial conflicts the issues are complicated and long in history and its difficult to make assessment based on one one event, as many others proceeded it. All I can say is these things can usually only be solved by people acting especially reasonable and coming to the table to work out differences, willing to talk and listen. If you are willing to do that and the other won't respond in kind, well there is nothing much you can do except to know you tried and work towards distancing yourself to prevent further friction. Outside mediators in the form of family counselors might work, but again only if all parties agree to try it and go in with an open mind.

 

[Frostee]

Thanks guys, I will reply when I get time. But father has been a bit odd today, answering me then ignoring me.

Just been texting him and he is telling the person I am talking about what I am asking. I can hear him downstairs.

I said “why you telling people what i’m saying”. He said “she asked”. Yet he will tell me to “keep out” when I ask him what they are saying.

No matter how many times I and other relatives tell him to keep a secret he will blab it out. Infact, he’ll blab it out at the first chance he can.

Mother of course still telling me to “stop going on” when I talk about him.

 

[H-Kath]

Am I the one in the wrong? Or not? I’m tired of the animosity and his volatility.

I'm going to disengage after this. The people telling you to submit to it and count your blessings are too triggering. I know that they've been hurt too, and that's where the strong reactions are coming from but I can't keep having that stuff pop up in my email. My mother conditioned me that way, saying that as long as she didn't shove me down a flight of stairs, whip me bloody with a belt buckle, burn me with cigarettes or throw me out her behavior was not just acceptable but something I should be grateful for. The flashbacks say otherwise. I have a fight response, not flight or fawn and I really want to keep things civil here.

I just wanted to come back because I think that the idea of gray rocking might be useful to you. It's intended for a situation where you cannot immediately cut contact or you may have to be around this person in order to see other people you care about. Essentially you disengage with this person. No arguments, civil responses only. No conversations about anything interesting, and when they talk to you backchannel them until they move on to someone else:
Toxic Relationship Recovery: Using the Gray Rock Method (Safely) | QueenBeeing Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support

 

[Juliettaa]

How old are you? Is moving out an option?

OP, it would be helpful to have answers to the above questions.

 

[Frostee]

I’m 23 and will be coming back home from University. I don’t have a job offer.

 

[Frostee]

Also can just say not trying to carry stories but sister is the same.

At home now, no transport. Sister has wound me up two or three times now about taking me out because I have no car.


Promised me yesterday. Third time, today. Sent me a text this morning telling me she was going out a walk and a drive. I get up, get dressed and washed. Came down and she said with a smile “um i’m not going a Walk now”. Then laughed.

I’m like.. wtf is wrong with her. Don’t know why she treats me such disrespect, making so many false promises.

Parents don’t say anything to her.

 

[Juliettaa]

You may not have a job offer right now, but I presume that you're not planning to remain at your parents house forever and that you aim to be financially independent?

Your relationship with your father does not sound healthy. While you remain under your parents roof, you will be expected (by them) to comply with their rules.

You need to move out - as soon as possible.

 

[Juliettaa]

You cannot change the behaviour of others, but you can change your behaviour.

@Frostee - there's a theme to your threads. It may be a good idea to go back over your threads, read, reflect and work on your reactions; to change your reactive state to a responsive state.

And work towards moving out.

 

[Frostee]

I just can’t cope with people who are being mean towards me for no good reason!