Volatile relationship with father.

[Juliettaa]

I just can’t cope with people who are being mean towards me for no good reason!

It's not clear who you're referring to?

Your father being mean or if you feel people on here are being mean to you?

If the latter, I assure you that I am not being mean. I am responding to your post. You're 23 years old, an adult, living with your parents/family who you do not appear to have a good relationship with. Based on what you've posted about your family, it will not serve you well to remain there any longer than is absolutely necessary.

Your posting history shows that you have difficulty with other people as well as your family hence the suggestion that you read and reflect on your reactions and work towards changing your behaviour as you cannot, and never will, change the behaviour of others.

 

[Nauti]

Thanks guys, I will reply when I get time. But father has been a bit odd today, answering me then ignoring me.

Just been texting him and he is telling the person I am talking about what I am asking. I can hear him downstairs.

I said “why you telling people what i’m saying”. He said “she asked”. Yet he will tell me to “keep out” when I ask him what they are saying.

No matter how many times I and other relatives tell him to keep a secret he will blab it out. Infact, he’ll blab it out at the first chance he can.

Mother of course still telling me to “stop going on” when I talk about him.

My Autistic son is a secret blabber. For some reason he can't wait to go and tell everybody whatever it is that I've asked him not to (he is 26) . So, of course, we have all learnt not to tell him anything that we want kept secret now.

It might be a good idea to learn as much as you can about personal, healthy boundaries. There are books and I presume, even youtube info on this topic.

This idea we keep saying of "You can't change other people only yourself" is part of understanding how to put in healthy boundaries.

It's tempting to think that we can change other's and we can put a lot of energy into trying, but at the end of the day, not everyone is a kind and reasonable person and when you figure out that someone doesn't want to treat you well, the best thing you can do is figure out how to put in a boundary with them so they don't have opportunity to behave hurtfully toward you anymore. While we expect them to be fair and reasonable, well, we might be setting ourselves up for more hurt and disappointment.

I'm not saying your Dad or your sister or any of your family members are deliberately being mean, I, honestly don't know the full story, so I can't make a judgement call either way, but, if you keep feeling hurt, when you put your trust in someone? It's time to take stock of the situation and change your strategy.

Find out who is truly reliable, in your life and who is not and if you don't feel you can rely on your family as much as you would like, maybe it's time to focus elsewhere.

 

[Nauti]

I'm going to disengage after this. The people telling you to submit to it and count your blessings are too triggering. I know that they've been hurt too, and that's where the strong reactions are coming from but I can't keep having that stuff pop up in my email. My mother conditioned me that way, saying that as long as she didn't shove me down a flight of stairs, whip me bloody with a belt buckle, burn me with cigarettes or throw me out her behavior was not just acceptable but something I should be grateful for. The flashbacks say otherwise. I have a fight response, not flight or fawn and I really want to keep things civil here.

I just wanted to come back because I think that the idea of gray rocking might be useful to you. It's intended for a situation where you cannot immediately cut contact or you may have to be around this person in order to see other people you care about. Essentially you disengage with this person. No arguments, civil responses only. No conversations about anything interesting, and when they talk to you backchannel them until they move on to someone else:
Toxic Relationship Recovery: Using the Gray Rock Method (Safely) | QueenBeeing Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support

No one has said a thing about submitting to abuse. That would be cruel.

And personally? I try my best to feel gratitude toward even those who have hurt me very badly, for whatever it is that is good that they gave me. One of them gave birth to me, so I am grateful for the gift of life, the other made me a mum, also the gift of life. To keep feeling bitter towards them hurts me more.

Honestly, gratitude is the antidote to depression. And it has NOTHING to do with fawning or submitting to abuse.

Of course the boundaries are vital, and no one here warned the OP away from putting in boundaries that empower him. Safety is paramount.

 

[techteach]

I just can’t cope with people who are being mean towards me for no good reason!

I’m 23 and will be coming back home from University. I don’t have a job offer.

@Frostee I just went through all of your posts again and I'm just trying to understand how you are being abused. I come from an extremely abusive home, I'm 60 years old and it has affected my whole life. Your father walked out of the house, he didn't slam you against the wall or punch you in the face. He doesn't talk to you for awhile??!? This is your idea of abuse?

I'm sorry, trying to be very kind. You're 23, I thought you were a teen. You can leave, I could not. I was a child. You are a man.

The world is full of people who are going to be mean to you for no reason you can figure out. That is life, it sucks but it is how it is. Your father has people that treat him badly as well, believe me everyone has.

He is supporting you. Respect that. He wants help with the bills? He's supporting you. You're a man, he's supporting you. Help him. Try to understand him. And if you can't then just move out. Abuse is being stuck in the situation (or being so demoralized you believe you are stuck.) You are not. It might be very hard to make it on your own But You Can. Life is hard.

You received some very good advice from a number of posters.

Once again sorry if this seems mean, but you are a man.

 

[Fino]

Everyone already said it great, so I won't say much, I hope, but anything said which minimizes his experience is all about perspective. Here's an extreme example:

Recently, I gave a student two pieces of candy, which I do every week that he behaves well. This time, he got mad that I didn't give him more. He got upset and told me I was mean. If there was no candy, he would have been fine, but being given candy triggered his desire for more and he became angry that his desire wasn't met, resulting in me being "mean". I pointed it out to him that he was now feeling badly because I gave him candy and basically explained everything I just said. Then he started to laugh. He seemed to understand.

It's all about perspective. He has a right to his feelings and if something upsets him, go ahead and be upset. No one is advising him to submit or passively accept anything. But when I first saw the title of the thread, "Volatile relationship with father," I became anxious and braced myself to read about an abusive, likely physically abusive, relationship. I was relieved and grateful to read what it really was.

And I agree with all my being with Nauti about gratitude. There have been many times in which I said to a student, "Do you know what the key to happiness is???" usually when they're not feeling so happy.

After they say, "What?" I slowly lean in until I'm close enough for them to hear my soft whisper of, "Gratitude!"

Then I change the subject!

 

[Jojo_LB]

TW for those who want to avoid talk of abuse (physical and emotional).




techteach, you are neglecting emotional abuse. It is just as bad as physical abuse. Sometimes, it's even worse than physical abuse alone because those who do it are able to manipulate and take advantage of every vulnerability. That's what keeps the victims to continually experience the abuse. It strips away at every part of you and you're left with no confidence, self-esteem, no sense of self worth. You are so isolated that all you have left is your abuser(s). You can't even begin to know where to seek help. You become an empty shell. The scars of the abuse cannot be seen, so when we victims of emotional abuse reach out for help, we are dismissed because no one can see visible bruises, broken limbs, swollen faces.

Kind of like being dismissed for the problems we face as autistics, right? On the outside, a lot of us appear so well-adjusted but no NT/allistic can fathom what is going on in our minds, the bits of ourselves we have to sacrifice so we can adjust to society's standards.

That's why it isn't helpful at all telling victims of emotional abuse to just forgive and forget and forge ahead. When you've been abused that long, how can you? Support and finding validation are very important.

For some, forgiveness and gratitude work. For others, they don't. It's very tough and beyond painful, especially when those who've harmed you are your family members. We expect them to not only love us, but be our support and validation.

I personally could not and would not forgive easily, if at all. It's doesn't mean I hold any grudges, that I can't move on, or that I can't find much to be grateful for in other areas of life. It just means that I may choose to never speak to or see any of my family who've hurt me. I've learned that I absolutely must put myself first. If I don't take care of myself, who will? Taking care of oneself starts with refusing to deal with this type of treatment, and often, that means telling the abuser(s) that you won't take their crap anymore. For many, this isn't even feasible, or even safe. Those of us who can do this are extremely lucky and privileged.

I would consider possibly opening up lines of communication with my former abuser(s), only if they can acknowledge the damage they'd done, and not expect me to just easily let them back in to my life. I will always keep a safe distance for self-preservation.

My mother had her own issues, some of which, I admit, were legitimate and beyond her control. Had she sought help, she would've been a better parent to me. But instead, she allowed her issues to build up, consume her, and make her into a bad parent to me, who was a mere child and could not understand why I was being treated that way. And instead of being understanding, she doubled down on the emotional abuse as I got older.

Now, as an adult, I am not required to forgive or treat her with any kindness for what she had done. I don't even have to extend any sort of gratitude to her. She could've aborted me or given me up for adoption to a loving family instead of emotionally abuse me. *shrug* That probably would've been much better for me.

How does one even start to treat someone like that with kindness and patience? You can't pull kindness, patience or gratitude out of a vacuum for anyone, so you can't expect anyone to do that with their emotional abusers.

I will not presume to know anyone's experiences with abuse here, because I don't know any of you well enough. But for people like me, H-Kath, Lady Thriller, and many others, (and maybe even frostee? Who knows), it is hard to listen to advice, however well-meaning the intent, that involves extending any sort of kindness or gratitude to our abusers. For us, that doesn't work, and may even be harmful. I am glad that it has worked out for those of you who can do that. But please do not make the mistake of thinking that the rest of us can deal with it the way you have.

Each of us has had our own experiences of abuse, and we also have very different ways of dealing with and healing from it. We need to find the ways that work best for us. It seems that @Frostee has dealt with this for quite some time, since he was a child. Only under very extraordinary circumstances would a parent treat their child with coldness and cruelty after a lifetime of love and kindness. That just doesn't happen. So I tend to side with the one who is mistreated.

I do concede though, and repeat what I said in a prior post, that even though his parents are cold and mean to him, if he is living with them and is employable, he should contribute to the household expenses in some way while he is still under their roof. Doing this is not only fair as someone who consumes household food and utilities, it is a start on the path to independence. It may not make your parents treat you any better, @Frostee , but at least you can start to save up, focus on taking care of your own needs while you decide what is best for you to heal, gain confidence and self-worth. Please don't waste anymore time trying to figure out your family's behavior. Sort yourself out so that you don't become like them.

 

[Jojo_LB]

when I first saw the title of the thread, "Volatile relationship with father," I became anxious and braced myself to read about an abusive, likely physically abusive, relationship. I was relieved and grateful to read what it really was.

Frostee was accurate in his description of his relationship with this father. It is volatile.

Because I am a word nut (and a chemistry nerd!), I will state an overly simplified definition of volatile in chemistry, which describes a substance that evaporates very easily because of its chemical properties. Substances that are volatile aren't stable in standard conditions.

Frostee's relationship with this father is indeed volatile. He said that his father can be OK one day, then mean, neglectful, rude the next. It isn't stable.

Who knows if he has always been like this, only he knows. But this kind of treatment is wrong for any child, but especially an autistic child. Children crave, need, stability. If your parents don't provide it, you can't have a sense of safety or trust in them. So how can one, as an adult who was always used to instability and finds it difficult to trust their parent(s), easily and readily push aside feelings of negativity when volatility was all they had known?

 

[techteach]

you are neglecting emotional abuse. It is just as bad as physical abuse. Sometimes, it's even worse than physical abuse alone because those who do it are able to manipulate and take advantage of every vulnerability. That's what keeps the victims to continually experience the abuse. It strips away at every part of you and you're left with no confidence, self-esteem, no sense of self worth. You are so isolated that all you have left is your abuser(s). You can't even begin to know where to seek help. You become an empty shell.

Jojo, so sorry, everyone here who has experienced emotional abuse, didn't mean to minimize. I do understand...

It strips away at every part of you and you're left with no confidence, self-esteem, no sense of self worth.

Jojo, the OP argues with his father. He is fighting back. This shows that he has not accepted that everything he says is wrong, to accept the abusers "reality" as his.
Because I do not know the rest of the story I really don't know anything. But the OP does not appear to be "broken" by years of neglect. Does not mean something is not happening now, but he does have options. Not trying to be hard, am the father of 6 boys. We are very close but if they needed it I would give them the same advice. Because I love them.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

It sounds like your Mom is being forced to agree with your Dad. I hope you, your Mom, and your siblings find a way to get away from your Dad. They most likely are as tired of him as you are.

Are you old enough to move out on your own?

 

[Nauti]

TW for those who want to avoid talk of abuse (physical and emotional).




techteach, you are neglecting emotional abuse. It is just as bad as physical abuse. Sometimes, it's even worse than physical abuse alone because those who do it are able to manipulate and take advantage of every vulnerability. That's what keeps the victims to continually experience the abuse. It strips away at every part of you and you're left with no confidence, self-esteem, no sense of self worth. You are so isolated that all you have left is your abuser(s). You can't even begin to know where to seek help. You become an empty shell. The scars of the abuse cannot be seen, so when we victims of emotional abuse reach out for help, we are dismissed because no one can see visible bruises, broken limbs, swollen faces.

Kind of like being dismissed for the problems we face as autistics, right? On the outside, a lot of us appear so well-adjusted but no NT/allistic can fathom what is going on in our minds, the bits of ourselves we have to sacrifice so we can adjust to society's standards.

That's why it isn't helpful at all telling victims of emotional abuse to just forgive and forget and forge ahead. When you've been abused that long, how can you? Support and finding validation are very important.

For some, forgiveness and gratitude work. For others, they don't. It's very tough and beyond painful, especially when those who've harmed you are your family members. We expect them to not only love us, but be our support and validation.

I personally could not and would not forgive easily, if at all. It's doesn't mean I hold any grudges, that I can't move on, or that I can't find much to be grateful for in other areas of life. It just means that I may choose to never speak to or see any of my family who've hurt me. I've learned that I absolutely must put myself first. If I don't take care of myself, who will? Taking care of oneself starts with refusing to deal with this type of treatment, and often, that means telling the abuser(s) that you won't take their crap anymore. For many, this isn't even feasible, or even safe. Those of us who can do this are extremely lucky and privileged.

I would consider possibly opening up lines of communication with my former abuser(s), only if they can acknowledge the damage they'd done, and not expect me to just easily let them back in to my life. I will always keep a safe distance for self-preservation.

My mother had her own issues, some of which, I admit, were legitimate and beyond her control. Had she sought help, she would've been a better parent to me. But instead, she allowed her issues to build up, consume her, and make her into a bad parent to me, who was a mere child and could not understand why I was being treated that way. And instead of being understanding, she doubled down on the emotional abuse as I got older.

Now, as an adult, I am not required to forgive or treat her with any kindness for what she had done. I don't even have to extend any sort of gratitude to her. She could've aborted me or given me up for adoption to a loving family instead of emotionally abuse me. *shrug* That probably would've been much better for me.

How does one even start to treat someone like that with kindness and patience? You can't pull kindness, patience or gratitude out of a vacuum for anyone, so you can't expect anyone to do that with their emotional abusers.

I will not presume to know anyone's experiences with abuse here, because I don't know any of you well enough. But for people like me, H-Kath, Lady Thriller, and many others, (and maybe even frostee? Who knows), it is hard to listen to advice, however well-meaning the intent, that involves extending any sort of kindness or gratitude to our abusers. For us, that doesn't work, and may even be harmful. I am glad that it has worked out for those of you who can do that. But please do not make the mistake of thinking that the rest of us can deal with it the way you have.

Each of us has had our own experiences of abuse, and we also have very different ways of dealing with and healing from it. We need to find the ways that work best for us. It seems that @Frostee has dealt with this for quite some time, since he was a child. Only under very extraordinary circumstances would a parent treat their child with coldness and cruelty after a lifetime of love and kindness. That just doesn't happen. So I tend to side with the one who is mistreated.

I do concede though, and repeat what I said in a prior post, that even though his parents are cold and mean to him, if he is living with them and is employable, he should contribute to the household expenses in some way while he is still under their roof. Doing this is not only fair as someone who consumes household food and utilities, it is a start on the path to independence. It may not make your parents treat you any better, @Frostee , but at least you can start to save up, focus on taking care of your own needs while you decide what is best for you to heal, gain confidence and self-worth. Please don't waste anymore time trying to figure out your family's behavior. Sort yourself out so that you don't become like them.

Seriously, have you tried arguing with a narcissist? It's absolutely futile. They will always put it back on you. They will lie to your face. They will sidestep all responsibility. They will triangulate, which means they will get other people in on.the abuse. They will besmirch your reputation.

You can't out-belligerent a narcissist, so I doubt anyone who is advising you do that, has actually had any real experience with narcissists.

I can't even fathom where you got all this "forgive and forget" stuff. NO ONE SAID THAT.
And by the way, forgiveness is for the person hurt, it's a path to healing, so I find it surprising that anyone would try and talk someone out of that. It's not an easy thing to do, but it benefits the person doing it.

People jumped to "Oh the dad must be a narcissist" but those of us older, with plenty of experience of actual abuse, aren't going to rush in and make that claim, in fact accusing someone like that, without real evidence to back up the claim, is actually what someone narcissistic would do.
Telling someone they are being abused without proper evidence is not wise practice.

The fact is, Frostee is not happy at home. Sounds like he wants better relationships, Wants to know what he can do.

Because as we keep pointing out, we are all powerless to change other people.

Let's not mollycoddle a 23 year old man.

If he asked for advice about how to move out, well that's another question.

I honestly don't like how people keep twisting things I've said here.

He asked how to improve relationships and encourage others to include him. That requires building trust with people. That requires acting with maturity and self responsibility and civility.

How are what is being said translated to "I think you should be a doormat?"

Especially if it's narcissistic abuse, because you cannot out power trip, out argue, or even reason with a narcissist.

You have to be unrilable. Save your energy to move out.

Because the more upset you show you are, to a narc, the more they feel they have achieved and "won". Trying to ask them to be reasonable? Doesn't work. They aren't.

Understanding they are not well? That there is something missing? Is important, because you will never get a "normal" healthy social response or relationship with them.
They will always take the selfish, aggrandizing, dishonest, manipulative path.

if that is what is happening, and I have no proof, categorically claiming that was so, would be irresponsible, on my part, but if that is the case, then, arguing and wanting to prove you are right, or even "standing strong" in a protest kind of way, would be a very futlie, energy wasting endevour.

Narcissists will never relinquish their power because it's the right thing to do, even if you "prove" it to them. Power is what is important to them, as well as always "appearing" to be right. It doesn't matter to them what the truth is, or how hurt you are because of their treatment of you. They are pathologically unable and unwilling to change. They are mentally unwell. Yes they do deserve compassion, but not without first developing water tight boundaries toward them.

Compassion is healing for the person feeling and practising it. It is empowerment. Because it is being a person of integrity and maturity.

Focus on yourself and move into self reliant adulthood, Frostee. Which is where I was going before. My advice is not going to lead you into making things worse.

Being encouraged to think you are a victim without due process and evidence is, not going to help.

Focusing on becoming a good and mature person, might, though.

 

[Jojo_LB]

I'm really not sure where all this came from, because I wasn't referring to anything that you said, at all. I never even had any of your posts in mind. *raises eyebrow*

It's unfortunate that you took anything I said personally.

 

[Nauti]

I'm really not sure where all this came from, because I wasn't referring to anything that you said, at all. I never even had any of your posts in mind. *raises eyebrow*

It's unfortunate that you took anything I said personally.

The "forgive and forget" stuff had to have come from somewhere. You mentioned gratitude as something objectionable. I was the one to bring that into the conversation.
I'm not sure what you feel is inappropriate about techteach's advice. It was perfect. We aren't talking about a child here. He is a grown man. He is bright enough to go to university. He chose to return to the fold of his parent's house. How does that sound like someone in terrible abuse? It sounds like someone not quite willing to step into adulthood. Arguing with his Dad who houses him. How does that sound like something we should encourage? Telling him he's a victim without sufficent evidence because we had unhappy childhoods is counterproductive.

If he wants to stay living under his Dad's roof then HE needs to learn how to get on, how to not antagonise, how to be grateful for the security and the ease of living at home, still, with your parents. Not demonise the man providing. Not expect special treatment that you haven't worked for.

Self responsibilty and integrity are the only way forward.

If you are being housed by someone, you need to act with a degree of grace and gratitude if you want to get on. Otherwise, more out. Become independant. Which is what techteach was saying. They don't owe you. You are a grown up.

 

[Jojo_LB]

Usually when I address someone I will put @ followed by their username, or just type their username, or quote them.

My only issue with his words were that they sort of implied that emotional abuse is not as bad as physical abuse. Of course, we don't know the extent of the emotional abuse OP is facing (doesn't matter the extent, abuse is abuse). And techteach clarified his words and explained some of his feelings behind his explanations.

When I talk of emotional abuse, I can ramble on and on as the subject obviously means a great deal to me, and in fact, I was just talking about it with a few people on FB yesterday who kept claiming we need to forgive abusers in order to move on with our lives. I vehemently denied that anyone needs to forgive anyone. And they also spewed some unbelievable bullcrap about "If you can't forgive, you can't heal."

Some of them even trivialized some emotional abuse victims' situations (saying stuff to the effect of, "Fighting back against or defying your parents or someone in your family is tantamount to disrespect and you deserve admonition," or "You should be grateful it isn't as bad as others' situations," etc. They believe this even when their abusers are family members.). Stuff like that fills me with rage, because I'm extremely against people telling others how to feel about anything, or how to react to pain. These things likely weighed heavily in my mind while posting.

OP was and is being mistreated by his family. But acknowledging his pain and confusion is not coddling. All victims of such treatment, even grown adults, need validation. Validation does not equal coddling. Validation is saying, "Hey, I can understand why you are feeling upset about your family. They aren't treating you very well." I give out validation because there was a time I had none, all I had was blame for placing myself or remaining in a bad position.

Then after validating them, give them sound advice on what they can do to end this cycle. I did both. No coddling involved. And I may have given a little extra validation, because I felt that the validations needed to balance the criticisms out.

If there is anything unclear about what I say on here, I would prefer to be asked to clarify 1) towards whom my posts are directed and 2) if my posts are meant to be some sort of comment on someone else's post(s). 'Cause being indirect is not my style.

 

[GadAbout]

His house, his rules. If you don't like it, move out.

But if you can't bring yourself to move out, try to understand that you might be a burden on your parents at this point in your life, and work to minimize that.

 

[Nauti]

Usually when I address someone I will put @ followed by their username, or just type their username, or quote them.

My only issue with his words were that they sort of implied that emotional abuse is not as bad as physical abuse. Of course, we don't know the extent of the emotional abuse OP is facing (doesn't matter the extent, abuse is abuse). And techteach clarified his words and explained some of his feelings behind his explanations.

When I talk of emotional abuse, I can ramble on and on as the subject obviously means a great deal to me, and in fact, I was just talking about it with a few people on FB yesterday who kept claiming we need to forgive abusers in order to move on with our lives. I vehemently denied that anyone needs to forgive anyone. And they also spewed some unbelievable bullcrap about "If you can't forgive, you can't heal."

Some of them even trivialized some emotional abuse victims' situations (saying stuff to the effect of, "Fighting back against or defying your parents or someone in your family is tantamount to disrespect and you deserve admonition," or "You should be grateful it isn't as bad as others' situations," etc. They believe this even when their abusers are family members.). Stuff like that fills me with rage, because I'm extremely against people telling others how to feel about anything, or how to react to pain. These things likely weighed heavily in my mind while posting.

OP was and is being mistreated by his family. But acknowledging his pain and confusion is not coddling. All victims of such treatment, even grown adults, need validation. Validation does not equal coddling. Validation is saying, "Hey, I can understand why you are feeling upset about your family. They aren't treating you very well." I give out validation because there was a time I had none, all I had was blame for placing myself or remaining in a bad position.

Then after validating them, give them sound advice on what they can do to end this cycle. I did both. No coddling involved. And I may have given a little extra validation, because I felt that the validations needed to balance the criticisms out.

If there is anything unclear about what I say on here, I would prefer to be asked to clarify 1) towards whom my posts are directed and 2) if my posts are meant to be some sort of comment on someone else's post(s). 'Cause being indirect is not my style.

I agree, emotional abuse is just as bad, but none of what he says indicates that is what is happening. We can't know if it is emotional abuse because we don't know what it is the Dad is responding or reacting to.

Getting upset is not abuse.
Even getting angry is not abuse.
Refusing to engage is not necessarily abuse.
Not being inclusive could be necessary boundaries.
Having private conversations is not abuse.
Walking out of a conversation might be stopping oneself from reacting angrily or impatiently.
Being moody and non communicative is more an indication of a mental health issue or something like ASD.
It sounds like parents that are overwhelmed, to me.
I can't see signs of abuse.
A volatile relationship could be caused by a young person pushing the boundaries too far, with a parent, and feeling the effects of that .
It's not wise to jump to any conclusions because of what we, ourselves have experienced, that is called projection. It makes things very messy, unclear and confusing.

 

[techteach]

OP was and is being mistreated by his family.

There is no way in the world you could know this. You have not seen the interactions between the family members, you have not talked to the father and mother, you have only the OP's word.

Justice is very, very important to me as I know, because of your past, it is for you. To judge a person based entirely on the word of another person...

You do not know. I do not know. You can feel like it is true, but you can't know.

I can empathize with the OP's feelings, I can give him advice, but I will never judge another without hearing both sides.

You are only hearing one side of the story. And I absolutely agree with @Nauti. She is not being mean, hard, unkind or unfeeling. It is the truth. I am very sensitive to this subject as I know you are.

But you don't know what is going on.

 

[Fino]

Frostee was accurate in his description of his relationship with this father. It is volatile.

Because I am a word nut (and a chemistry nerd!), I will state an overly simplified definition of volatile in chemistry, which describes a substance that evaporates very easily because of its chemical properties. Substances that are volatile aren't stable in standard conditions.

Frostee's relationship with this father is indeed volatile. He said that his father can be OK one day, then mean, neglectful, rude the next. It isn't stable.

Who knows if he has always been like this, only he knows. But this kind of treatment is wrong for any child, but especially an autistic child. Children crave, need, stability. If your parents don't provide it, you can't have a sense of safety or trust in them. So how can one, as an adult who was always used to instability and finds it difficult to trust their parent(s), easily and readily push aside feelings of negativity when volatility was all they had known?

You didn't respond to anything I said. I never said it wasn't volatile.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Hi, everyone. I just want to add extra information to this post about my family and how they behave.

Although I don’t come across as Aspie to most people I am constantly analysing people to understand how they are behaving, socially.

________________
My wider family is mostly traditional in terms of roles. Especially my mother’s family.

As an example of how the dynamics play out, i’ll just explain how tonight’s meal went.

Granny’s birthday.

- Cousins and sister where there.
- I mostly sat there and didn’t say anything. A few of the older relatives spoke to me, but most didn’t.
- My parents, aunts and grandparents adopted an attitude of mostly ignoring my cousins and I.
- My grandmother only spoke to me as I was leaving to say thank you for coming.

I’m not sure if this is a dynamic caused by my shyness, but it’s common enough when I go out for a meal with the family.

I do try to keep a positive mind frame. But it is difficult to keep that mindset going when you are ignored and sort of cast aside. (Group conversations are an issue for me and one reason why I do get fed up turning up to social events.)

Socially, I try to adopt a polite and respectful approach. Most people seem to take advantage of this or think that I am not worth their time.

I recently talked to a counsellor who suggested that my body language put people off? I do notice that a lot of my relatives will not speak to me unless I talk to them.

I don’t have a clue as to what the issue is. Is it me, or is it their traditional attitudes?

I would prefer to be acknowledged and have people talk to me. I don’t want to be at an event where I feel that all I am wanted for is my presence.

I’m sorry for rambling on, being ignored in group conversations has been an ongoing issue for me for a long time. I don’t know how to appropriately deal with this type of dynamic?

___________

I do have two younger (baby) cousins who my grandmother favours.

She shows much more favouritism towards these cousins; in all sorts of ways, i.e babysitting and has a play room in my grandparents house. (Grandmother did not babysit us as children, nor did she give us a play room)

The mother of these children is also favoured within my mum’s family.

Today, she (the mother) had to get a photo of her children and my grandmother, separate to the rest of us cousins.

Then when we got a photo (without the two baby cousins) she (the mother) told everyone to sit down and stop taking photos. Don’t know why that was but felt that she didn’t want us getting attention.

Kind irked me, big time.

I can’t help but resent her and feel some jealousy towards her children. I know that is terrible, but the way she expects her children to be favoured to the rest of the grand children is unfair. They are the same as us.

Just feel that we should all be treated equally.

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Thank you for sharing your story.

Wow, are you from a quite rich family (or maybe not)? Seems your family revolves around your grandmother - she's the queen, and everybody must agree to her.. Like the traditional rich/respectable chinese family in chinese traditional drama.. Or like in traditional rich/respectable Western drama.. Is that so? Sorry if i'm wrong.

And may we know, how old are you?

Must be really tough, fighting with your own self to not feel jealous. Jealousy can be a good thing, if you handle it well. I used to feel jealous of my cousins too when we were younger - they're more successful & more favorited (because yeah, they're kinda lovely). So i used that jealousy to compete with them in exams. Now they're still shining as ever, but since everybody is busy, i'm busy with myself too.. Although sometimes i do still feel jealous, but not so much now. Maybe getting older or getting busy helps..?

I wish you manage to live peacefully/happily with your family, despite the bitterness. Parents are just humans too. If they're getting too toxic, maybe disengaging / keeping some distance, while still being respectful (although only in your way of talking), might help..?

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

- My parents, aunts and grandparents adopted an attitude of mostly ignoring my cousins and I.
- My grandmother only spoke to me as I was leaving to say thank you for coming.

I’m not sure if this is a dynamic caused by my shyness, but it’s common enough when I go out for a meal with the family.

I do try to keep a positive mind frame. But it is difficult to keep that mindset going when you are ignored and sort of cast aside. (Group conversations are an issue for me and one reason why I do get fed up turning up to social events.)

Socially, I try to adopt a polite and respectful approach. Most people seem to take advantage of this or think that I am not worth their time.

I recently talked to a counsellor who suggested that my body language put people off? I do notice that a lot of my relatives will not speak to me unless I talk to them.

I don’t have a clue as to what the issue is. Is it me, or is it their traditional attitudes?

I would prefer to be acknowledged and have people talk to me. I don’t want to be at an event where I feel that all I am wanted for is my presence.

I’m sorry for rambling on, being ignored in group conversations has been an ongoing issue for me for a long time. I don’t know how to appropriately deal with this type of dynamic?

So.. Did you want to talk to your Granny? And other relatives?

I do have two younger (baby) cousins who my grandmother favours.

She shows much more favouritism towards these cousins; in all sorts of ways, i.e babysitting and has a play room in my grandparents house. (Grandmother did not babysit us as children, nor did she give us a play room)

Hmm.. Tough. If thinking positively might help you feel a little bit better:

Maybe she didn't have facility/expertise/etc at that time to babysit you? Are you on the spectrum? Maybe she just feel awkward and dont know how to or what to communicate with you? Maybe she had problems at that time? Maybe her babysitting nature didnt come out yet at that time?

Ok even if you think she's not fond of you, but we wouldn't know for sure. I think it's ok to feel what you feel, but maybe it's better not to dwell on it too much. Maybe in the future, there'll come a time, where you can accept your past & her for what happened between you two in the past.

The mother of these children is also favoured within my mum’s family.

Today, she (the mother) had to get a photo of her children and my grandmother, separate to the rest of us cousins.

Then when we got a photo (without the two baby cousins) she (the mother) told everyone to sit down and stop taking photos. Don’t know why that was but felt that she didn’t want us getting attention.

Ugh, that's terrible. Note to self: don't act like that. Or maybe she had some unknown reason... Whatever.

I can’t help but resent her and feel some jealousy towards her children. I know that is terrible, but the way she expects her children to be favoured to the rest of the grand children is unfair. They are the same as us.

Just feel that we should all be treated equally.

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Great! You've learnt something from this.. This might help you be better parent/ grandparent in the future.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Also can just say not trying to carry stories but sister is the same.

At home now, no transport. Sister has wound me up two or three times now about taking me out because I have no car.


Promised me yesterday. Third time, today. Sent me a text this morning telling me she was going out a walk and a drive. I get up, get dressed and washed. Came down and she said with a smile “um i’m not going a Walk now”. Then laughed.

I’m like.. wtf is wrong with her. Don’t know why she treats me such disrespect, making so many false promises.

Parents don’t say anything to her.

Ugh, that's horrible. Your sister. Sounds toxic.

And living in a family house, without no means of transport, that's suffocating too. (Although we should be grateful to have a roof to sleep under). But no transportation will be hindering our independence. Is there no bus or cab or bicycle or whatever that you can use? Depending on other people for transport is not fun..