What Are Effective Ways To Verbally Share Feelings With AS Partner?

[Plumeria]

I read a lot of relationship books/articles and many of them mention using "feeling messages" with your partner to effectively communicate your thoughts and feelings in a non-threatening way. These messages usually start with, "I feel ________ when _______________." I've tried to use this strategy with my ex AS and he didn't understand what I was trying to communicate. For example, "I feel sad when I don't hear from you for a couple days." His answer, "I've been busy." Or, "I feel lonely because all my friends are busy today and I have no plans." His answer, "Then go find something to do." Do these type of messages work for an Aspie partner or is there a more effective way to share what I am thinking/feeling? Do I have to cut the "feeling" part out all together and just straight out say, "I would like for you to contact me more often." Or, "I am free today and would really like to spend time with you." I'm not use to saying things straight out like that, if I said it to an NT partner, it would sound like I am being too demanding and/or needy and it sets me up for rejection. Still, if I have to change the way I communicate with him, I am willing to do it…

 

[Kapwned]

I think one thing you are failing to do is express to him that you are wanting him to perhaps do something about it. With most people (even NT) you should really be direct. You may not feel like you're beating around the bush or hinting at something, but you are actually doing that and he may not be picking up on it.

You don't have to word it so bluntly either. Like you last one you could say "I'm free today, I'd really like to spend time with you if I can. Do you wanna hang out?"

 

[Plumeria]

I think one thing you are failing to do is express to him that you are wanting him to perhaps do something about it. With most people (even NT) you should really be direct. You may not feel like you're beating around the bush or hinting at something, but you are actually doing that and he may not be picking up on it.

You don't have to word it so bluntly either. Like you last one you could say "I'm free today, I'd really like to spend time with you if I can. Do you wanna hang out?"

Thanks and you are right, I can definitely reword what I am saying. I read the "feeling messages" again in my book and I have forgotten the part where I state what I want for the future…. I am still learning and need a lot of practice, regardless if my partner is AS or NT. :/

 

[cdt]

I think one thing you are failing to do is express to him that you are wanting him to perhaps do something about it. With most people (even NT) you should really be direct. You may not feel like you're beating around the bush or hinting at something, but you are actually doing that and he may not be picking up on it.

You don't have to word it so bluntly either. Like you last one you could say "I'm free today, I'd really like to spend time with you if I can. Do you wanna hang out?"

I've had this exact problem and have received the same responses as OP, usually followed by my partner immediately turning back to whatever he was doing before I spoke. It can feel very much like he just isn't interested in what I have to say, or how I'm feeling. I'm going to try this verbal technique with my SO and see what happens

 

[Kapwned]

Also, try to not look at it like a dog training kind of thing. The way you're wording it is giving me that vibe. Yes, for us NT individuals it may require some more conscious thinking on our behalf but that is only to learn to understand our AS loved ones. We can't always go by the book. Just like how NT people vary person to person, people with AS vary person to person. It's just like trying to learn to get some perspective and empathy for someone who's got a polar opposite view on something. It doesn't make them wrong, bad, or any less of a person. You may not see eye to eye or feel the same but it does help the both of you to understand how their chain of thought might work.

 

[Plumeria]

I apologize if you get the vibe that I'm approaching this as a dog training kind of thing, that is not my intention. My main point was that when I shared my "feelings" verbally with my partner such as sadness or anger or even happiness, he never acknowledged my feelings. One of the books I am referring to in my OP is "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus". I repeatedly tried using the suggestions in that book on on how to effectively communicate feelings to my partner and it just didn't seem to work. I am not blaming him or think he is wrong, that is why I raise the question, is there something I can do differently to help him understand what I am feeling? It is not that I am trying to train him, I am trying to understand how I can better communicate so that he can understand me? I am taking the blame in the breakdown in communication here because if he is not understanding what I am saying, I must not be communicating it effectively? Your first post was helpful, thank you, I was not following through with my statements and telling him what I wanted from him in the future. That is something I need to improve.

 

[Ereth]

When I started seeing my boyfriend, I told him to be as straightforward with me as possible. (He already was, really, but I had to get used to his flirting with me. Long story short, I've had bad experiences with it in the past and never could trust that people were being serious. He was and is, though.)

I don't think you're trying to "train" him at all. I think you do, however, have to be as direct as possible, at least as a general rule.

Ex: "I would like to go out with you today. Are you free?"

 

[May Black]

I generally open with a question.

Lets say I want him to call me once a day if we're apart, it would go something like this.

- Do you think you'd be able to call me every evening when you go visit your family?

- I guess/yes/probably/absolutely not (which however means yes)
- why?

He always asks me why if I want him to do something that doesn't come naturally to him, but seems important to me, which gives me a great chance to explain.

- I enjoy hearing how your day has been and I miss it when I don't talk to you.

I could even say it makes me sad when we don't talk. and I'm quite sure he'd accept it as a fact, though it's better to give him facts rather than feelings.

If he says no, I will ask him why. There could be a practical reason for it, such as him being out with the family every evening, having plans etc. He could also say something quite hurtful, generally it would be because he doesn't want to do it or because he thinks it's dumb. When that happens, I generally say something like "You realize this is important to me, right?" I try not to take offence, since he's only truthfully answering a question I asked.

I think you get the picture.

 

[Zidiane]

Just be more direct. For me, I naturally take statements without looking at the situation. "I feel lonely because all my friends are busy today and I have no plans" for me would be responded to much the same as your partner. It's because the statement is taken as a statement, and no matter who asks the response seems obvious. If you are lonely because you don't have plans, make some plans, hang out with someone. The response would be given to a mother, a wife, a daughter, a stranger. You are on the right track though, saying "I am free today and would really like to spend time with you" would very likely elicit the response you want. You could even be as curt as "Let's spend some time together today" and that'd work. If his response is "I can't today, [reason he can't today]" then your followup statement should be "Let's make a plan to spend time together in the near future". What sounds like a "no" is a simple statement of fact, and usually doesn't indicate anything like not wanting to spend time with you.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I read a lot of relationship books/articles and many of them mention using "feeling messages" with your partner to effectively communicate your thoughts and feelings in a non-threatening way. These messages usually start with, "I feel ________ when _______________." I've tried to use this strategy with my ex AS and he didn't understand what I was trying to communicate. For example, "I feel sad when I don't hear from you for a couple days." His answer, "I've been busy." Or, "I feel lonely because all my friends are busy today and I have no plans." His answer, "Then go find something to do." Do these type of messages work for an Aspie partner or is there a more effective way to share what I am thinking/feeling? Do I have to cut the "feeling" part out all together and just straight out say, "I would like for you to contact me more often." Or, "I am free today and would really like to spend time with you." I'm not use to saying things straight out like that, if I said it to an NT partner, it would sound like I am being too demanding and/or needy and it sets me up for rejection. Still, if I have to change the way I communicate with him, I am willing to do it…

A couple of things. First of all you probably need to be more direct. He's probably not getting that you are saying that because you want him to do something himself, hence his suggesting unrelated solutions. That's the most literal interpretation anyways. So yes i think its okay to use both ideas - explain how you feel and then explain what you want him to do. It doesn't have to be scripted, unless you think it will help. Also, i second what Zidiane said - it sounds like your partner is very literal. What he says is probably a direct, literal statement so if he says something akin to "not today i'm busy" he probably means it and might be truly willing to plan something in the future.

 

[Plumeria]

I generally open with a question.

Lets say I want him to call me once a day if we're apart, it would go something like this.

- Do you think you'd be able to call me every evening when you go visit your family?

- I guess/yes/probably/absolutely not (which however means yes)
- why?

He always asks me why if I want him to do something that doesn't come naturally to him, but seems important to me, which gives me a great chance to explain.

- I enjoy hearing how your day has been and I miss it when I don't talk to you.

I could even say it makes me sad when we don't talk. and I'm quite sure he'd accept it as a fact, though it's better to give him facts rather than feelings.

If he says no, I will ask him why. There could be a practical reason for it, such as him being out with the family every evening, having plans etc. He could also say something quite hurtful, generally it would be because he doesn't want to do it or because he thinks it's dumb. When that happens, I generally say something like "You realize this is important to me, right?" I try not to take offence, since he's only truthfully answering a question I asked.

I think you get the picture.

Thanks Mary! That really helps, he often asked me "why" when I asked him a question and I misread it to mean that he was being defensive. (I didn't realize he may be an Aspie until after we broke up). My experiences with past relationships were not the most positive, many of the men I dated in the past were players, narcissists, etc. If they asked "why" it was because they didn't like me questioning them. This relationship was different than any I've ever had in the past. I hope I will have a chance to communicate with him again because we broke up a month ago and there has been no contact on either side

 

[Zidiane]

If you broke up with him, he's perhaps not contacting you because he believes you don't want to be with him anymore. Especially if he cared about you, why would he go out of his way to annoy you if you left? I'm not a love expert, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me, but if it ended on good terms (no shouting insults or thrown dishes or any kind of abuse or betrayal) perhaps you could try and make contact first, regardless of who ended it. Be more direct this time around. You could maybe invite him to somewhere to eat and talk as friends and see if there's any room for a do-over.

 

[Plumeria]

If you broke up with him, he's perhaps not contacting you because he believes you don't want to be with him anymore. Especially if he cared about you, why would he go out of his way to annoy you if you left? I'm not a love expert, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me, but if it ended on good terms (no shouting insults or thrown dishes or any kind of abuse or betrayal) perhaps you could try and make contact first, regardless of who ended it. Be more direct this time around. You could maybe invite him to somewhere to eat and talk as friends and see if there's any room for a do-over.

He actually broke up with me. He texted that he was not happy and that he thinks we should see other people (sad face). Therefore, I am the one who believes that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and makes me hesitant to reach out. We did not have a bad break up, for me the break up came very unexpectedly. I cried about something for the first time and he withdrew for two weeks and broke up with me two weeks later. I am thinking about reaching out and that's what most on this site say I should do but I am not quite ready yet. I was hoping he would reach out to me but they say that he probably won't be the first one to do it.

 

[Kari Suttle]

If you broke up with him, he's perhaps not contacting you because he believes you don't want to be with him anymore. Especially if he cared about you, why would he go out of his way to annoy you if you left?

Maybe i'm talking too much, but again i agree with Zidiane. When my best friend suddenly talking to me out of the blue, i didn't question it i just assumed she didn't want to talk to me anymore and didn't contact her until she contacted me like ten months later.

 

[Plumeria]

Maybe i'm talking too much, but again i agree with Zidiane. When my best friend suddenly talking to me out of the blue, i didn't question it i just assumed she didn't want to talk to me anymore and didn't contact her until she contacted me like ten months later.

You're not talking to much, thank you for replying. He broke up with me which makes me think that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm afraid to reach out and be rejected again.

 

[Zidiane]

Mm. I've ended a relationship with someone once (not a romantic relationship, though I've no reason to believe I wouldn't do the same to a romantic one) because I didn't think it could work in its projected path. Looking at how the relationship is going, sometimes it's easiest to end it if you don't believe it can continue happily. If you aren't ready you aren't ready, but if you want to try again you should. Wait too long and the door won't be open anymore. Which is especially bad if you have a tendency to run into not-so-good guys, you should try to hold onto the good one you happen upon.

Edit: Also, should you meet again, you should try and find the reason he ended it (if you don't already know) and try and find a solution. Show him that a solution exists, and he'll possibly be open to another chance.

 

[Kari Suttle]

You're not talking to much, thank you for replying. He broke up with me which makes me think that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm afraid to reach out and be rejected again.

That's good to know. I doubt myself way too often. =) It sounds like you want to but you're afraid of rejection? If you're not ready then you're not ready. Personally i would rather try and be rejected know if i was right or not, or have a better grasp of the sitaution, than to never have tried. That being said i've still ended my long standing friendship with my best friend since childhood because i just wasn't happy with how it was going. But i've also been known to abruptly end friendships just because i'm too overwhelmed with life to add their friendship in as well, not because i'm actually unhappy with them as a friend.

 

[Plumeria]

If you aren't ready you aren't ready, but if you want to try again you should. Wait too long and the door won't be open anymore. Which is especially bad if you have a tendency to run into not-so-good guys, you should try to hold onto the good one you happen upon.

Edit: Also, should you meet again, you should try and find the reason he ended it (if you don't already know) and try and find a solution. Show him that a solution exists, and he'll possibly be open to another chance.

Thank you so much Zidane, I don't know why he ended it. He just started a new career and I know he was very stressed and overwhelmed by it. His routine was different and he was not getting enough sleep. My guess is that he was more overwhelmed when I cried to him that I was feeling neglected and unappreciated. I think he felt that he couldn't "make me happy" and work at the same time because up to that point, we were doing well.

 

[Plumeria]

That's good to know. I doubt myself way too often. =) It sounds like you want to but you're afraid of rejection? If you're not ready then you're not ready. Personally i would rather try and be rejected know if i was right or not, or have a better grasp of the sitaution, than to never have tried. That being said i've still ended my long standing friendship with my best friend since childhood because i just wasn't happy with how it was going. But i've also been known to abruptly end friendships just because i'm too overwhelmed with life to add their friendship in as well, not because i'm actually unhappy with them as a friend.

I think he did end it because he was overwhelmed with life. (See my post to Zidane above). I know you are right, what do I have to lose? But what do I say when I reach out? Do I pour my heart out in an email or do I just text and say hello? I'm not sure what would be the best way to reach out at this point.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I think he did end it because he was overwhelmed with life. (See my post to Zidane above). I know you are right, what do I have to lose? But what do I say when I reach out? Do I pour my heart out in an email or do I just text and say hello? I'm not sure what would be the best way to reach out at this point.

I guess it depends on him. What do you think he'd prefer? Given that it sounds like he's working a lot, maybe take it slow? I would explain everything you want to tell him at some point though, sooner rather than later. But if he's still having a hard time suddenly getting a long, in depth email might not work. For me, when my bestie explained herself to me after ten months of not talking to me it helped me understand and i let her back in for a bit cause of that, but i didn't feel ready to go all back in like nothing happened. But with her, i also had a lot of trust issues. It depends on him, everyone's different. I don't know what he's like. I just know that suddenly working a lot, and then suddenly cutting people off, i did that like a year ago and it wasn't good.