What Are Effective Ways To Verbally Share Feelings With AS Partner?

[Zidiane]

I don't feel like I can offer any more, the rest is up to you (and you sound like you have a better grasp on it now), but I would just say to avoid trying to move back to where you were TOO quickly. Start slow, see what he's still comfortable with, don't front-load or dump everything on him at once, and hopefully you can go back to the way things were, with the exception of better communication and a better connection.

 

[Plumeria]

I guess it depends on him. What do you think he'd prefer? Given that it sounds like he's working a lot, maybe take it slow? I would explain everything you want to tell him at some point though, sooner rather than later. But if he's still having a hard time suddenly getting a long, in depth email might not work. For me, when my bestie explained herself to me after ten months of not talking to me it helped me understand and i let her back in for a bit cause of that, but i didn't feel ready to go all back in like nothing happened. But with her, i also had a lot of trust issues. It depends on him, everyone's different. I don't know what he's like. I just know that suddenly working a lot, and then suddenly cutting people off, i did that like a year ago and it wasn't good.

Again, thank you. I will think about what will work best for both of us and go from there

 

[Zidiane]

Not to be too into your business, but I would like to hear an update after you talk with him maybe a few times. Just enough to know how it went. But if you don't feel like sharing, don't feel obligated to.

 

[Plumeria]

Not to be too into your business, but I would like to hear an update after you talk with him maybe a few times. Just enough to know how it went. But if you don't feel like sharing, don't feel obligated to.

Not too much in my business Zidaine, I appreciate your help and would be happy to share an update. I don't know when I'll be ready to reach out to him but if and when that time comes, I will post

 

[Plumeria]

I guess it depends on him. What do you think he'd prefer? Given that it sounds like he's working a lot, maybe take it slow? I would explain everything you want to tell him at some point though, sooner rather than later. But if he's still having a hard time suddenly getting a long, in depth email might not work. For me, when my bestie explained herself to me after ten months of not talking to me it helped me understand and i let her back in for a bit cause of that, but i didn't feel ready to go all back in like nothing happened. But with her, i also had a lot of trust issues. It depends on him, everyone's different. I don't know what he's like. I just know that suddenly working a lot, and then suddenly cutting people off, i did that like a year ago and it wasn't good.

I'm not sure what he'd prefer. If I take what he said to me at face value, that he was unhappy and thinks we should see other people then that means he doesn't want to be with me anymore. If most Aspie's are black and white (like I've read on this site), I don't think anything I say or do will change his mind. I wish he would just reach out to me when he's ready but I guess that will probably not happen. I have a lot of thinking to do…

 

[Ste11aeres]

I read a lot of relationship books/articles and many of them mention using "feeling messages" with your partner to effectively communicate your thoughts and feelings in a non-threatening way. These messages usually start with, "I feel ________ when _______________." I've tried to use this strategy with my ex AS and he didn't understand what I was trying to communicate. For example, "I feel sad when I don't hear from you for a couple days." His answer, "I've been busy." Or, "I feel lonely because all my friends are busy today and I have no plans." His answer, "Then go find something to do." Do these type of messages work for an Aspie partner or is there a more effective way to share what I am thinking/feeling? Do I have to cut the "feeling" part out all together and just straight out say, "I would like for you to contact me more often." Or, "I am free today and would really like to spend time with you." I'm not use to saying things straight out like that, if I said it to an NT partner, it would sound like I am being too demanding and/or needy and it sets me up for rejection. Still, if I have to change the way I communicate with him, I am willing to do it…

If you are trying to tell him to communicate more often, then yes, you should say "Please contact me more often.
If you say "I feel sad because" etc...then that leaves a lot of room up for interpretation in regards to what you want him to say. It appears that he interprets it as you wanting an explanation.

You say "I feel sad when I don't hear from you". He might be interpreting it as meaning "I feel sad because I think the reason I didn't hear from you was because you don't like me" So he says "I was busy". and then he thinks "That was a good answer because now she knows that it was because I was busy, and she knows it wasn't because I don't care about her. Now she knows I still do care for her, and she will know that the reason for future lack of communication is busyness, not lack of caring"

The reason I think this is what he is thinking, is because this is how my Aspie best friend and I think. If I don't hear from him, sometimes I will worry that it was because he didn't want to talk to me. So I will ask him what was the reason. He will say it was because of his work.
If I want him to contact me more often then I explicitly tell him to do so.

If you want to tell him to do something or not do something, then explicitly say that.
If you want an explanation, then explicitly ask for one. If you want advice, then explicitly say so.
If you want to share feeligns without receiving advice or an explanation, then explicitly tell him "I'm about to share my feelings, but only because I want the comfort of knowing that you are listening. I don't want advice or an explanation, all you have to do is listen, and your listening will make me feel better."

But if you say "I feel" without any previous directions about what kind of a response you want, then he will make his own assumptions about what kind of a response he should give.

We Aspies need straight out explanations.

I know all this, because I and my best friend think in the same way that he probably does.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I'm not sure what he'd prefer. If I take what he said to me at face value, that he was unhappy and thinks we should see other people then that means he doesn't want to be with me anymore. If most Aspie's are black and white (like I've read on this site), I don't think anything I say or do will change his mind. I wish he would just reach out to me when he's ready but I guess that will probably not happen. I have a lot of thinking to do…

Even though we Aspies work best when people say things that we can take at face value...that doesn't mean we always do the same. Believe me, things that other people do can frequently cause us to change our minds (especially if it's a loved one).
Your guy sounds (from what you've said) a lot like my best friend. Several years ago, he broke up our friendship several times. Each time, I reached out, and he responded with happiness at being in contact again. Eventually, I changed the behavior that caused him to break up-When I leaned more and changed those behaviors, that changed everything-and now our friendship is very very strong, and he is committed to the friendship and to me.

 

[Ste11aeres]

P.S.
Here's a video which might be relevant by someone who is much better than the author of the Man from Mars Women from Venus book.

 

[Kapwned]

Even though we Aspies work best when people say things that we can take at face value...that doesn't mean we always do the same. Believe me, things that other people do can frequently cause us to change our minds (especially if it's a loved one).
Your guy sounds (from what you've said) a lot like my best friend. Several years ago, he broke up our friendship several times. Each time, I reached out, and he responded with happiness at being in contact again. Eventually, I changed the behavior that caused him to break up-When I leaned more and changed those behaviors, that changed everything-and now our friendship is very very strong, and he is committed to the friendship and to me.

This is something I've personally been wondering about this past week. I made a separate thread on my issue but I recently went through a break up with my ex who has AS.

 

[May Black]

It's hard to say what is better, whether to write and explain yourself or just be short. Personally, I'd probably go with the short version, simply because it won't be overwhelming for him. When me and my boyfriend had our terrible arguments in the beginning of our friendship, our making up would usually be me saying hi, or maybe posting a cute picture, then he'd send me a song, a video, something he knew I liked. We'd do that for a while, then we'd talk about maybe how my day has been, or something about a game, play puzzle game over the internet, or do something else very neutral and easy going. A few days later we'd generally start touching up on the subject of the argument, until it felt safe to bring it up and actually figure out what really happened. I guess we were both very careful, since neither of us wanted to mess up again.

 

[Plumeria]

If you are trying to tell him to communicate more often, then yes, you should say "Please contact me more often.
If you say "I feel sad because" etc...then that leaves a lot of room up for interpretation in regards to what you want him to say. It appears that he interprets it as you wanting an explanation.

You say "I feel sad when I don't hear from you". He might be interpreting it as meaning "I feel sad because I think the reason I didn't hear from you was because you don't like me" So he says "I was busy". and then he thinks "That was a good answer because now she knows that it was because I was busy, and she knows it wasn't because I don't care about her. Now she knows I still do care for her, and she will know that the reason for future lack of communication is busyness, not lack of caring"

The reason I think this is what he is thinking, is because this is how my Aspie best friend and I think. If I don't hear from him, sometimes I will worry that it was because he didn't want to talk to me. So I will ask him what was the reason. He will say it was because of his work.
If I want him to contact me more often then I explicitly tell him to do so.

If you want to tell him to do something or not do something, then explicitly say that.
If you want an explanation, then explicitly ask for one. If you want advice, then explicitly say so.
If you want to share feeligns without receiving advice or an explanation, then explicitly tell him "I'm about to share my feelings, but only because I want the comfort of knowing that you are listening. I don't want advice or an explanation, all you have to do is listen, and your listening will make me feel better."

But if you say "I feel" without any previous directions about what kind of a response you want, then he will make his own assumptions about what kind of a response he should give.

We Aspies need straight out explanations.

I know all this, because I and my best friend think in the same way that he probably does.

Thank you for the example, that really puts things in perspective, I didn't even consider that may have been what he meant. Again, I've dated men (NT) who were not so kind and were often up to no good. If they said they were busy it meant that they didn't care or were hiding something. If I told them that I wanted them to call me more often, they would say I was "needy." I didn't know/think my ex was AS until after we broke up… I know that this will help if we rekindle our relationship, even if we just end up being friends.

 

[Plumeria]

Even though we Aspies work best when people say things that we can take at face value...that doesn't mean we always do the same. Believe me, things that other people do can frequently cause us to change our minds (especially if it's a loved one).
Your guy sounds (from what you've said) a lot like my best friend. Several years ago, he broke up our friendship several times. Each time, I reached out, and he responded with happiness at being in contact again. Eventually, I changed the behavior that caused him to break up-When I leaned more and changed those behaviors, that changed everything-and now our friendship is very very strong, and he is committed to the friendship and to me.

How did you reach out and how did it help change his behavior that caused him to break up? I am very open to changing my behavior or what I say to help him understand that I have no intentions of hurting him, I care for him very much.

 

[Plumeria]

It's hard to say what is better, whether to write and explain yourself or just be short. Personally, I'd probably go with the short version, simply because it won't be overwhelming for him. When me and my boyfriend had our terrible arguments in the beginning of our friendship, our making up would usually be me saying hi, or maybe posting a cute picture, then he'd send me a song, a video, something he knew I liked. We'd do that for a while, then we'd talk about maybe how my day has been, or something about a game, play puzzle game over the internet, or do something else very neutral and easy going. A few days later we'd generally start touching up on the subject of the argument, until it felt safe to bring it up and actually figure out what really happened. I guess we were both very careful, since neither of us wanted to mess up again.

Yes, the consensus seem to say that I should keep it short. What you described is similar to how we communicated after we didn't talk for awhile but I keep thinking this time is different because he broke up with me. I've been hurt many times in the past, they were not AS, but I still have fears of getting rejected and hurt again. I know that is something I have to work on. Again, I didn't know/think he was AS until after we broke up. When he initially broke up with me via text, he said "I am unhappy and think we should see other people." Which in NT terms usually means "I am unhappy being with you and I've already met someone and want to see where things go with her." That was my first thought. But then he texted "You're great, I know you will make someone else happy. I will always remember and never forget how you treated me." I also thought about his character and he just doesn't seem the type to cheat or move on so quickly. Honestly, I'm just really afraid of being rejected. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, everyone here has been so kind and helpful. I love my ex very much and really want to work things out with him but my fears keep me second guessing and thinking that he does not want me anymore and has moved on. I am working on battling those fears though, because he is worth it.

 

[Ste11aeres]

How did you reach out and how did it help change his behavior that caused him to break up? I am very open to changing my behavior or what I say to help him understand that I have no intentions of hurting him, I care for him very much.

After a couple of weeks, I called him on the phone one day. He was happy to hear my voice, and from then, our friendship was back on track. Kind of similar to what May Black said. Unfortunately, there's no specific and clear rule for how exactly one should reach out.
Sorry, I should have been more clear. It was my behavior that I changed. I can't give the details, because it kind of involved other people...and it's a complicated story.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Thanks Mary! That really helps, he often asked me "why" when I asked him a question and I misread it to mean that he was being defensive. (I didn't realize he may be an Aspie until after we broke up). My experiences with past relationships were not the most positive, many of the men I dated in the past were players, narcissists, etc. If they asked "why" it was because they didn't like me questioning them. This relationship was different than any I've ever had in the past. I hope I will have a chance to communicate with him again because we broke up a month ago and there has been no contact on either side

Oh my goodness! The "why?" question -- I think the same thing too!

 

[Plumeria]

After a couple of weeks, I called him on the phone one day. He was happy to hear my voice, and from then, our friendship was back on track. Kind of similar to what May Black said. Unfortunately, there's no specific and clear rule for how exactly one should reach out.
Sorry, I should have been more clear. It was my behavior that I changed. I can't give the details, because it kind of involved other people...and it's a complicated story.

No worries, everything you have shared has been helpful

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I think he did end it because he was overwhelmed with life. (See my post to Zidane above). I know you are right, what do I have to lose? But what do I say when I reach out? Do I pour my heart out in an email or do I just text and say hello? I'm not sure what would be the best way to reach out at this point.

Text him a friendly "hello" message saying you miss him and are wondering how he's doing. Ask him if he'd like to get together for coffee (direct question). A text will give him time to think about it and respond on his own time. I think I would just make it a light conversation - otherwise he may get overwhelmed again. Whatever you do, don't keep texting him - give him time to respond, otherwise too much texting will get overwhelming (I'm guilty of that myself.)

 

[Plumeria]

Text him a friendly "hello" message saying you miss him and are wondering how he's doing. Ask him if he'd like to get together for coffee (direct question). A text will give him time to think about it and respond on his own time. I think I would just make it a light conversation - otherwise he may get overwhelmed again. Whatever you do, don't keep texting him - give him time to respond, otherwise too much texting will get overwhelming (I'm guilty of that myself.)

Thanks nurseangela! I think everyone is right, I need to reach out but I have to work on my fears first… Im just so scared and not ready yet

 

[May Black]

Thanks nurseangela! I think everyone is right, I need to reach out but I have to work on my fears first… Im just so scared and not ready yet

Whenever in doubt, I ask myself what I'll regret more, so I'm going to ask you that.
What will you regret more five, ten years from now? Contacting him and getting rejected or not contacting him at all?

 

[Plumeria]

Whenever in doubt, I ask myself what I'll regret more, so I'm going to ask you that.
What will you regret more five, ten years from now? Contacting him and getting rejected or not contacting him at all?

That's the problem, I dont know I believe that everything happens for a reason and if we're meant to be, we will be together. My hesitation to reach out is also due to the thought that even if we work things out, he may just pull away again and I don't know if I can deal with him leaving whenever times get tough. I guess I am waiting till I get to that point where I know I will regret it… and hoping that he'll be the one to reach out. BTW, he still has some of my things, so there is a reason for contact.