What Are Effective Ways To Verbally Share Feelings With AS Partner?

[Ereth]

BTW, he still has some of my things, so there is a reason for contact.

Then you have at least one reason to reach out. But I'm not a believer in "meant to bes." If you want something to happen, you have to make it happen.

 

[May Black]

You didn't really answer the question I asked. You answered a different one. Personally, if I consider doing something and the thing stopping me is my fear, I throw myself into it head first. It doesn't work for everyone.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

That's the problem, I dont know I believe that everything happens for a reason and if we're meant to be, we will be together. My hesitation to reach out is also due to the thought that even if we work things out, he may just pull away again and I don't know if I can deal with him leaving whenever times get tough. I guess I am waiting till I get to that point where I know I will regret it… and hoping that he'll be the one to reach out. BTW, he still has some of my things, so there is a reason for contact.

I wouldn't use him having your things as the reason for contacting him. Then it just sounds like you want your things instead of him (relationship).

 

[Plumeria]

You didn't really answer the question I asked. You answered a different one. Personally, if I consider doing something and the thing stopping me is my fear, I throw myself into it head first. It doesn't work for everyone.

You are brave! To answer your question, right now, I don't think I will regret it because I'm still stuck on, if he wants to be with me, won't he just reach out eventually?? I know everyone here is saying most likely, no. My thoughts might change in a the next couple days though… I am working through it…

 

[Etzelaire]

What works best for me is not to invade my space rather earn my attention. I have to admit that some women learned that when they could tell me something I didn't know about any field I'm interested they could ask for something in return. It may seem a little cold but the things that are valuable for me are different from many people. I've been with 2 girls who weren't much smart and I grew tired of them, I praise intelligence, learning from the other. But this won't apply to everyone with AS.

 

[Plumeria]

I wouldn't use him having your things as the reason for contacting him. Then it just sounds like you want your things instead of him (relationship).

I am seriously thinking about reaching out to him but I still can't get past the thought that this is what he wants, he wanted to break up I was thinking maybe HE would reach out to me and say he has my stuff? I guess not. If I do reach out, do I just say hi … or I miss you … or ???

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I am seriously thinking about reaching out to him but I still can't get past the thought that this is what he wants, he wanted to break up I was thinking maybe HE would reach out to me and say he has my stuff? I guess not. If I do reach out, do I just say hi … or I miss you … or ???

I'm going to answer your PM pretty soon, Plumeria, I just haven't had time and it will probably be a long one.

 

[Cali Cat]

I read a lot of relationship books/articles and many of them mention using "feeling messages" with your partner ... For example, "I feel sad when I don't hear from you for a couple days." His answer, "I've been busy." Or, "I feel lonely because all my friends are busy today and I have no plans." His answer, "Then go find something to do." Do these type of messages work for an Aspie partner or is there a more effective way to share what I am thinking/feeling? Do I have to cut the "feeling" part out all together and just straight out say, "I would like for you to contact me more often." Or, "I am free today and would really like to spend time with you." I'm not use to saying things straight out like that, if I said it to an NT partner, it would sound like I am being too demanding and/or needy and it sets me up for rejection…

From the Aspie perspective, I would probably respond to those statements in the same way your ex did. I agree with the others to be more direct, but one thing I'd add is to not pressure him to do things on the spur of the moment, like, "I'd like you to spend some time with me today." That might make him feel pressured to choose between you and what he already has planned. You might say something like, "I'd like us to spend some time together in the near future. Will you look at your schedule (today,tonight, tomorrow) and let me know when you'll be available to do that?" That lets him know what you want, when you want it and a time frame in which you expect to hear back from him about it.

It's probably best to start out slowly, too, if he's still trying to get used to his new job and new routine. The last thing he'll want is more pressure, so you may have to walk on eggshells for a while if you decide to try and reconnect.

 

[Plumeria]

From the Aspie perspective, I would probably respond to those statements in the same way your ex did. I agree with the others to be more direct, but one thing I'd add is to not pressure him to do things on the spur of the moment, like, "I'd like you to spend some time with me today." That might make him feel pressured to choose between you and what he already has planned. You might say something like, "I'd like us to spend some time together in the near future. Will you look at your schedule (today,tonight, tomorrow) and let me know when you'll be available to do that?" That lets him know what you want, when you want it and a time frame in which you expect to hear back from him about it.

It's probably best to start out slowly, too, if he's still trying to get used to his new job and new routine. The last thing he'll want is more pressure, so you may have to walk on eggshells for a while if you decide to try and reconnect.

Thank you Cali Cat, you are absolutely right… I remember when I would ask him to do something in a short period of time, it was obvious that I "threw him off." Usually he wouldn't answer (which kept me hanging) but I knew he would do what I asked -- on his time. It didn't make sense to me then (when I didn't suspect AS) but now I understand. I really do have to be direct and remember to communicate what I want, when I want it and the time frame in which to hear back

I'm still undecided about reconnecting right now, I still have some internal work I need to do. Again, I am so thankful for this site and all the kind people who have helped me through this difficult time, it has been a blessing.

 

[Plumeria]

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I read a little more about AS and I have a question to ask… initially, I read that Aspies dont have empathy but then I read that they in fact do and that they are oversensitive to other people's feelings to the point that they have to withdraw. From this, it seems to me that if an Aspie is physically with someone, they are able to sense what the person is feeling but they do not necessarily know how to respond. However, if the person is not physically with you (even if given their situation) you cannot imagine what they may be feeling (unless you have been in the same situation at some point in your life). What are your thoughts about this?

 

[May Black]

Lot of times my boyfriend seems to be able to understand how I feel if I tell him what happen without having to verbalize the actual feeling even over the internet. Sometimes he doesn't get it at all even if I'm right next to him, but that doesn't happen too often. I don't think he needs me to be present to understand how I feel.

 

[Etzelaire]

My case is that most time I don't know how somebody is feeling because I can't imagine it and let me explain it. Many people have said to me: my grandpa passed away 'recently'. And I just say: how old was he? And then I continue: there's nothing to mourn about you just have to understand. I understand people live and die, people from my family have died and I don't burst into tears because that's how it goes. And this with a lot of things, but nowadays I try to make an effort and say sth like: oooh I am sorry life is so unfair... I don't know, people prefer this stuff I don't know why.

 

[Plumeria]

My case is that most time I don't know how somebody is feeling because I can't imagine it and let me explain it. Many people have said to me: my grandpa passed away 'recently'. And I just say: how old was he? And then I continue: there's nothing to mourn about you just have to understand. I understand people live and die, people from my family have died and I don't burst into tears because that's how it goes. And this with a lot of things, but nowadays I try to make an effort and say sth like: oooh I am sorry life is so unfair... I don't know, people prefer this stuff I don't know why.

Thanks for sharing Etzelaire. I consider myself in mourning right now, mourning the death of a relationship. I cry because I think about the good times that were shared and now they are gone. I cry because the future plans I had with that person are gone. During times like these, I wish I could stop these thoughts so I can logically accept that its over and that someone else will come along one day. I just want the feelings to go away but I can't stop the thoughts that generate these feelings. The feelings for me are a tightening in the chest (as if someone is squeezing my heart), an anxious/nervous feeling (fear), a loss of appetite and overwhelming sadness. When people tell me "Im am so sorry, life is so unfair" its their way of saying, I understand how you are feeling and you are not alone, what you're feeling is normal… and it brings comfort.

 

[Etzelaire]

Thanks for sharing Etzelaire. I consider myself in mourning right now, mourning the death of a relationship. I cry because I think about the good times that were shared and now they are gone. I cry because the future plans I had with that person are gone. During times like these, I wish I could stop these thoughts so I can logically accept that its over and that someone else will come along one day. I just want the feelings to go away but I can't stop the thoughts that generate these feelings. The feelings for me are a tightening in the chest (as if someone is squeezing my heart), an anxious/nervous feeling (fear), a loss of appetite and overwhelming sadness. When people tell me "Im am so sorry, life is so unfair" its their way of saying, I understand how you are feeling and you are not alone, what you're feeling is normal… and it brings comfort.

I hope you find a way of getting over it, keep yourself busy so you don't think about it.

 

[Plumeria]

Hi everyone,
Its been awhile. I've been thinking about something … My ex didn't talk much and when he did it was usually about topics that interested him. He rarely ever asked me about myself or how my day was, etc so I didn't share much with him. When I did try to communicate with him, he didn't say anything or ask me questions to keep the conversation going (or show that he was interested) so I just stopped talking. Sometimes I wonder if I should continue to talk but its hard when he's not responding or showing interest. I was afraid that he was bored or annoyed or really didn't care. How does a partner of someone with AS share what happened with them during the day if he never asks? Does it mean he doesn't care to know? I did notice that he learned a lot about me when I talked to other people. He remembered a lot of things I shared with others and I didn't even realize he was listening to me!

 

[Ste11aeres]

Hi everyone,
Its been awhile. I've been thinking about something … My ex didn't talk much and when he did it was usually about topics that interested him. He rarely ever asked me about myself or how my day was, etc so I didn't share much with him. When I did try to communicate with him, he didn't say anything or ask me questions to keep the conversation going (or show that he was interested) so I just stopped talking. Sometimes I wonder if I should continue to talk but its hard when he's not responding or showing interest. I was afraid that he was bored or annoyed or really didn't care. How does a partner of someone with AS share what happened with them during the day if he never asks? Does it mean he doesn't care to know? I did notice that he learned a lot about me when I talked to other people. He remembered a lot of things I shared with others and I didn't even realize he was listening to me!

Well, I like to listen to some people but I've tended not to remember to verbally express that I want to listen to them. I've tended not to remember to ask questions to prompt them to talk. But I still was happy to listen to them, although in retrospect, it might not have seemed like it to them.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I read a little more about AS and I have a question to ask… initially, I read that Aspies dont have empathy but then I read that they in fact do and that they are oversensitive to other people's feelings to the point that they have to withdraw. From this, it seems to me that if an Aspie is physically with someone, they are able to sense what the person is feeling but they do not necessarily know how to respond. However, if the person is not physically with you (even if given their situation) you cannot imagine what they may be feeling (unless you have been in the same situation at some point in your life). What are your thoughts about this?

That's often the way it is for me.

 

[Kari Suttle]

How does a partner of someone with AS share what happened with them during the day if he never asks? Does it mean he doesn't care to know? I did notice that he learned a lot about me when I talked to other people. He remembered a lot of things I shared with others and I didn't even realize he was listening to me!

Whenever I'm talking with someone, I often forget to reciprocate and ask them about themselves. Its just not automatic for me. It doesn't mean i don't care, as i'll often kick myself afterwards for not remembering, it just means i'm too wrapped up in what's going on to think about it. Sometimes its automatic sometimes its not. He remembered things you hadn't expected him to, right? Perhaps he didn't mean anything bad by not asking about you.

 

[Plumeria]

Whenever I'm talking with someone, I often forget to reciprocate and ask them about themselves. Its just not automatic for me. It doesn't mean i don't care, as i'll often kick myself afterwards for not remembering, it just means i'm too wrapped up in what's going on to think about it. Sometimes its automatic sometimes its not. He remembered things you hadn't expected him to, right? Perhaps he didn't mean anything bad by not asking about you.

Thanks for sharing. Yes, I know he never meant anything bad by not asking … my dilemma is, do I talk without knowing if he's interested about the subject? Or do I just stay quiet and wait until we have something to talk about? I stayed quiet (more than I usually do) because I was never sure if he was interested in what I had to say. Now that we are not together I wonder if I was too "boring" for him. The funny thing is that I'm very outgoing and fun but I held back with him since he didn't show much emotion.

 

[Plumeria]

Well, I like to listen to some people but I've tended not to remember to verbally express that I want to listen to them. I've tended not to remember to ask questions to prompt them to talk. But I still was happy to listen to them, although in retrospect, it might not have seemed like it to them.

That's the challenge … how do I know that he's interested in what Im sharing? It's hard for me to do that when the other person shows no interest