• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

What are the hurtful things that friends and family have told you?

Ursus Chainus said:
So... many "normal" people have a right to be total creeps when they are angry because they know how it fits in to the NT world. I never act on my anger because I don't know how to do that. I often will set a boundary around the offending behavior then cut a person from my life if they continue to be abusive. I use the three strikes rule. Ignore or violate my boundary three times, then that person is out of my life. I always used to feel "meh" because I had so many of them. It was a long term low level depression. I have only started lifting that through removing them from my life.
Click to expand...

It sounds like you deal with things in quite a good way. Not that anger is necessarily a bad thing. It depends on how it is expressed of course.

I learned about boundaries in a conscious way only in my forties - very late :oops: Prior to that I had been polite, but I didn't really understand things in terms of rights (of others, and rights that I myself held). It was a revelation, I can tell you. So important.

I think you've done the right thing limiting those people who are boundary busters. Some people just won't be told. It's like they can't help themselves, they have to do the thing you've said you won't accept.
 
onlything said:
Anything from 'oversensitive' through 'emotionally unavailable' to 'screwed up' (the last one in words not appropriate for a polite company and from my brother no less).
Click to expand...

Oh no. That's awful. Reading that reminded me that I have been called cold before (a bit like 'emotionally unavailable) but only by people who I had terrible relationships. I don't think any of my friends or other people I know have ever called me that.

onlything said:
And they call us weird.
Click to expand...

Hehe. I tend to think of all people as weird. Mind you, humanity has its good side too. :)
 
Ursus Chainus said:
Because of a recent painful experience, I have compiled a list of hurtful things people I thought that cared about me have said.

I feel the main issue we have in being ASD is experiential invalidation. This means that our experiences are not believed because social stuff is second nature to most. This means that people think that we are thinking or doing things that are stupid, "crazy" or intense because somehow we are flawed.

I am a kind and compassionate person, first and foremost. I am strong as hell because I have survived so much. It hurts when people tell me... "You are so X" or "You are not X enough" or "You are too little X". They cannot read me just as I cannot read them. They then assume I do things for the same reasons that NTs do things. I actually have no real reasons other than I don't know how to express myself appropriately. I have no intentions. I have no subtlety. I do not read between the lines or write between them. I am totally WYSIWYG.

Here is a partial list:
You are too arrogant
You are too sensitive (I like to say I am sensitive but NOT fragile)
You are sappy
You are too intense (I would rather be intense than insipid)
You are a bubble boy
You are too distant
You are too close
You are too nice
You are mean
You are offensive
You are a pervert (mostly my parents said this when I was a kid)
You are needy (this one gets me, I don't need people like NTs do)
What am I supposed to do with that? (when saying something that I felt was caring!)
Don't you have any self respect?
You just don't give a crap, do you?
You are not dumb, there is no way you are autistic
Why do you say such stupid things?
You think too much
Why not just think the way most people do (said when I was explaining one of my many theories)

At my age, I am tired of trying to "fix" myself to be appropriate. It is simple... I never learned NT rules and honestly... I really don't care to. They are massively complex and not worth the time. I focus on being a person who does the right things for the right reasons in this world. As a white dude, I have a lot of privilege in being able to just give up trying... I know it is MUCH harder for my aspie sisters and minority aspie brothers and sisters!

Wouldn't it be nice to just be ourselves?
Click to expand...
Mostly, "You are too stupid to understand." Over and over.
 
onlything said:
Similarly to you guys from my side. Anything from 'oversensitive' through 'emotionally unavailable' to 'screwed up' (the last one in words not appropriate for a polite company and from my brother no less). I find it also quite amusing how after years of no contact or ignoring me people can suddenly say that I behave as if 'I didn't exist' (which is to mean too quiet and too distanced I suppose).

I'm tired of people though and I find that with time these insults just make less and less of an impact on me. The only thing that seems to make me angry these days is when someone tries to manipulate me in some way - my hackles immediately raise. It's like I've become allergic to gaslighting and invalidation... Frankly, screw people that do that anyway. If they do that then the least they deserve is a nasty look for their trouble. Prats.

Sorry you had to experience all that. Live and let live is what I always say but, unfortunately, it seems to be the one thing that most people can't understand and instead hate people for such silly reasons like different skin colour or sexual orientation. And they call us weird.
Click to expand...
Knew someone who rarely consulted a gp ,when they did, the gp said"not you again" they hadnt consulted them for 20 years!
 
Top hurtful things, translated by best of my efforts.

By my mother:
- I lost a great abortion having you.
- You're not normal (repeated weekly, sometimes monthly, and still going).
- You need to be [insert hundreds of thing here]

By my grandmother:
- You're too arrogant, who do you think you are? (repeated weekly, for about twelve years).
- Other people at your age are married with children, how come you're so behind in life.
- You're too dumb too learn anything, why your parents bother sending you to school?
- You don't care about ANYTHING!
- You're a wasted life
- You've lived ?? years for nothing.
- I don't know why you're alive.
- If you don't like how I run things around here, you're free to leave anytime (I had nowhere else to live back then).

These come from the top of my head, I'm sure I can think more later — I remember more of them when I'm going through a depressive episode.
 
these two people amongst my friends,one of whom snaps at me over losing a water bottle my mother gave me,then calls me
names
Click to expand...
afterwards.another person amongst my friends snaps at me me for inadvertently bumping into him & breathing on his food,afterwards he calls me blind,then says to me no one wants to be my friend :( :mad: :angry: :rage:.four days later,I see him at an adult program i met him in,i would've pushed away people like him amongst my friends like any aspie would push theirs away (the friends being their
usual selves
Click to expand...
about our appearances,being snapped at over every little thing,opposite from people amongst family :( :mad: :angry: :rage:),up to the point where we (aspies)snap back at them,but profanely.
 
Last edited:
Streetwise said:
I might have researched autism but I have learnt something new.
With me, the wire between my brain and mouth goes wrong in conflict, nothing or the wrong thing often comes out.

No wonder you have fear of hurting others if your mother used this as a way to manipulate you, apart from the usual extra affective empathy.


I confess I don't know how to interpret this and don't want to mis interpret you, that is not to say it is not valid.

3. Must be difficult, you sound like you can articulate yourself well even with your fears.
Sex is often shallow.
Maybe being brought up by a dysfunctional woman made it easy for you to choose narcs.
The fact that you felt guilt over making women cry shows you have feeling.
Maybe fine tune your intuition to sift out the narcs, it never lies.
You are sensitive.


If you mean delayed response I can relate.

Sorry to hear about your "interpersonal mistake" tape recorder.
We are prone to obsessive thoughts aren't we?

QUOTE]The deafness is much more because I don't have words in my brain. It takes a while for my "language system" to come online, especially if I feel threatened.

Luckily my OCD is rather limited:

1. Fear of hurting others (My mother used this as a way to manipulate me "If you don't do X you will hurt (insert name here)")

2. Fear of people not knowing I am sincere and care without motive (basically discounting how clearly I see how wonderful a person is and replacing it with some devious motive, thus discounting their own wonderfulness that I see)

3. Fear of leading women on.
This is related to my "mating thing" (I am pretty much like a pre-human in this way). Mating is NOT sex or really even about sex... It is about eventual procreation and the relationship that will facilitate that, unfortunately this spreads through all my intergender relationships for some reason. There is something I have in me that I call "the dance". I used to not choose nice women and end up with narcissistic ones. I even had several cry because I hurt them so bad by "friendzoning" them. I felt incredible guilt over this... like I was stringing women on. The reality is that I always chose women who approached me (women approach in the dance). In the culture, these women are often (not always) narcissistic (respect driven). The OCD part comes from that fear of hurting lovely women that I care about. This is one thing that I STILL have pain around. Submissive women are/were very attracted to me but waited for me to approach.

4. Not responding fast enough in correspondence or talking so that a person thinks I don't care OR that they will strike out.


Really this OCD is kind of one main thing, fear of hurting others. I have mostly worked through this, but I am afraid my "interpersonal mistake" tape recorder is still haunting me.

I call these things OCD because they are obsessive thoughts for me.
Click to expand...
[/QUOTE]






What really hurts is when non Christians presume any problem i have is because in their opinion I'm sexually repressed

and if I converse with a homosexual man, its sickening that they say you are homophobic if you don't want to pursue a promiscuous lifestyle,you have to filter every thought in case youre called homophobic or anti Islam if you support Jews[/QUOTE]
Sorry for the messy post.
I c+P posts and answer them as I read.
Let Non Christians think what they like, no one knows your sexuality but you.
I'm sure there are homosexual men who are not promiscuous. In this commercialised society even gay-ness has had the "popular in-gay-growd" publicised, clubs, drugs, flamboyance, what about the gay men who are quiet and just get on with thier lives, genuinely.
Like all walks of life, some gays are insecure and like to be seen as life and soul of party, clubs, drugs etc. Not all of them.
Be yourself and if people don't like it that is their problem, being around like minded people will find you genuine friends.
 
jared mills said:
these two people amongst my friends,one of whom snaps at me for losing a water bottle my mother gave me,then calls me names afterwards.another person amongst my friends snaps at me me for inadvertently bumping into him & breathing on his food,afterwards he calls me blind,then says to me no one wants to be my friend :( :mad: :angry: :rage: our days afterwards,I run into him at an adult program i met him in,i would've pushed away people like him amongst my friends like any aspie would push theirs away (getting snapped at over every little thing,opposite from peopleach amongst family :( :mad: :angry: :rage:).
Click to expand...

Don't you hate it when you have no freaking idea what made them so angry... and as "NTs" are given to do... they won't tell you what you are doing wrong? Earlier this year, I upset a friend that I adored. Since I am forced to be social in my job... I am constantly monitoring people for what I call a "delta negative" towards me. When I felt it from this friend and got the disapproval face... I asked what was wrong (a total no no for most NTs because they expect our aspie asses to know what we did wrong and stop immediately!)

I had not talked about being on the spectrum until then and explained my difficulties... that made her even MORE angry. So I apologized with my best understanding of the things I could possibly be doing wrong in the NT world. That made her EVEN MORE angry! Her response was... "I am glad you acknowledge SOME of the things you are doing that annoy me".

Finally I asked for an accommodation for my "disability" and explained that I need her to be verbal in the work environment so that I can rectify behaviors that are causing issues. We did not talk for months after that.

basically declaring I was autistic was a way to deflect from all of the horrible things I was doing to annoy her! No way I am autistic because I am "smart"... bwahahahaha! The smartest people on the freaking planet are pretty much all on the spectrum!

She told me "what was wrong" in non-actionable items. "You are too intense, You are too emotionally invested in me. You are needy and clingy (this is just because I asked her what was wrong... you see, I should KNOW what was wrong! So if I ask, I am being clingy and needy) Of course anybody who has known me well... knows that I am not these things. I am the opposite. It is really hard to keep me in anyone's life because I am so not needy or clingy, lol!)

Here is what I want to ask... is a blind person being clingy and needy if they grab your arm while crossing the road? Are they being too emotionally invested in you when they ask for your help to steer clear of obstacles? Are they being intense for just not seeing the things you can?

And to the idea that I can just stop doing the wrong thing and be "normal"... have you ever explained the color blue to a blind person?

It is a simplistic analogy but it shows how deeply discriminated against we are for being this way.
 
Last edited:
Ursus Chainus said:
Don't you hate it when you have no freaking idea what made them so angry... and as "NTs" are given to do... they won't tell you what you are doing wrong? Earlier this year, I upset a friend that I adored. Since I am forced to be social in my job... I am constantly monitoring people for what I call a "delta negative" towards me. When I felt it from this friend and got the disapproval face... I asked what was wrong (a total no no for most NTs because they expect our aspie asses to know what we did wrong and stop immediately!)

I had not talked about being on the spectrum until then and explained my difficulties... that made her even MORE angry. So I apologized with my best understanding of the things I could possibly be doing wrong in the NT world. That made her EVEN MORE angry! Her response was... "I am glad you acknowledge SOME of the things you are doing that annoy me".

Finally I asked for an accommodation for my "disability" and explained that I need her to be verbal in the work environment so that I can rectify behaviors that are causing issues. We did not talk for months after that.

basically declaring I was autistic was a way to deflect from all of the horrible things I was doing to annoy her! No way I am autistic because I am "smart"... bwahahahaha! The smartest people on the freaking planet are pretty much all on the spectrum!

She told me "what was wrong" in non-actionable items. "You are too intense, You are too emotionally invested in me. You are needy and clingy (this is just because I asked her what was wrong... you see, I should KNOW what was wrong! So if I ask, I am being clingy and needy) Of course anybody who has known me well... knows that I am not these things. I am the opposite. It is really hard to keep me in anyone's life because I am so not needy or clingy, lol!)

Here is what I want to ask... is a blind person being clingy and needy if they grab your arm while crossing the road? Are they being too emotionally invested in you when they ask for your help to steer clear of obstacles? Are they being intense for just not seeing the things you can?

And to the idea that I can just stop doing the wrong thing and be "normal"... have you ever explained the color blue to a blind person?

It is a simplistic analogy but it shows how deeply discriminated against we are for being this way.
Click to expand...

there are the kinds of ND-NT social/societal clashes that I would take part in using any means necessary,based on the things in life that interest us.
 
Some examples:

You are too complicated
You are too sensitive
You’re too screwed up
You’re lost
You are evil
You are cold hearted
You are too shy
You are too quiet
You are too distant
YOU THINK TOO MUCH (that one is ridiculous)
Why are you so depressed?
Why do you look so angry?
Why do you look so serious?
Why do you look so depressed? (maybe because I am you dumbass)
You have to be more confident
You are underestimating yourself
You are overestimating yourself
You are crazy
You are a violent and perfidious person
You psycho (haha)
You are selfish!
You don’t care about others
Why don’t you talk to me?!
You’re too lazy
It’s your fault your father has problems (haha yeah...right)
You have no empathy
How can someone have so many problems??!!
You have too many problems
Asshole
Witch
 
I have been accused by doctors and relatives of being on drugs. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. Sorry, guys, it's just me.
 
LunaticCentruroides said:
Some examples:

You are too complicated
You are too sensitive
You’re too screwed up
You’re lost
You are evil
You are cold hearted
You are too shy
You are too quiet
You are too distant
YOU THINK TOO MUCH (that one is ridiculous)
Why are you so depressed?
Why do you look so angry?
Why do you look so serious?
Why do you look so depressed? (maybe because I am you dumbass)
You have to be more confident
You are underestimating yourself
You are overestimating yourself
You are crazy
You are a violent and perfidious person
You psycho (haha)
You are selfish!
You don’t care about others
Why don’t you talk to me?!
You’re too lazy
It’s your fault your father has problems (haha yeah...right)
You have no empathy
How can someone have so many problems??!!
You have too many problems
Asshole
Witch
Click to expand...

Some of these are gender specific but I have heard the male-centric versions! Well, the one before witch... definitely heard that one before! It is all about us doing what THEY want instead of us just being ok in ourselves! It is always by people who want me to do or be something I cannot... and honestly would not if I could.

The depression one really gets me... um yeah... depression is a reaction to the stress you people are causing me. Leave me the heck alone... and maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be so depressed!

Oh and the "why don't you care?"! I have had that too... no I care waaay too much. I just can't pretend to care when emotional vampires have drained every last bit of my energy... because I cared about them too much! Honestly... I really DON'T care about them now ;)

Oh and the father one... My Mom: "You are just like your father!"

My father was a diagnosed sociopath who stole women's money through romance cons....

Growl!
 
Last edited:
Ursus Chainus said:
I think so... never let anyone tell you anything negative about yourself. You are much stronger than people who have so much given to them in a world made for them.
Click to expand...

Wow I love that last quote, as a mother trying to understand my grown son more, that is a perfect statement.
 
I got told "you're lazy!" after I lost an office job that I really couldn't cope with. Others too, but that's the one that really sticks in my mind.
 
Ursus Chainus said:
Some of these are gender specific but I have heard the male-centric versions! Well, the one before witch... definitely heard that one before! It is all about us doing what THEY want instead of us just being ok in ourselves! It is always by people who want me to do or be something I cannot... and honestly would not if I could.

The depression one really gets me... um yeah... depression is a reaction to the stress you people are causing me. Leave me the heck alone... and maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be so depressed!

Oh and the "why don't you care?"! I have had that too... no I care waaay too much. I just can't pretend to care when emotional vampires have drained every last bit of my energy... because I cared about them too much! Honestly... I really DON'T care about them now ;)

Oh and the father one... My Mom: "You are just like your father!"

My father was a diagnosed sociopath who stole women's money through romance cons....

Growl!
Click to expand...
Yeahh totally... the depression one is ugly. Many ppl can't deal with someone that is depressed. It seems like. But I also came to believe that I don't "look" like someone that can have depression and other problems in their opinion, which is so strange to me as it is hard to hide certain emotions. When I used to work, my boss always said I am the first person ever he could not read any emotions in my face.. I apparently always look the same. It really bothered him lol. But it's weird bc I always feel like you could see my emotions all over me o.o but maybe this is just at work as I act very professional.

Omg yeah I care soo much.. it hurts-.- But that's the price ppl pay when they cross my boundaries or drained all the energy. It's our claws we show then.

Naa you're def not like your father.. omg..
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom