What are the hurtful things that friends and family have told you?

[Ursus Chainus]

Yeahh totally... the depression one is ugly. Many ppl can't deal with someone that is depressed. It seems like. But I also came to believe that I don't "look" like someone that can have depression and other problems in their opinion, which is so strange to me as it is hard to hide certain emotions. When I used to work, my boss always said I am the first person ever he could not read any emotions in my face.. I apparently always look the same. It really bothered him lol. But it's weird bc I always feel like you could see my emotions all over me o.o but maybe this is just at work as I act very professional.

Omg yeah I care soo much.. it hurts-.- But that's the price ppl pay when they cross my boundaries or drained all the energy. It's our claws we show then.

Naa you're def not like your father.. omg..

Most people do not get depression and have no idea what it is. Like "are you sad?" or "don't be down, things are much better than they seem!". They try to cheer me up because the depression is simply not comfortable to them. They don't understand that it is an energy thing... I simply have no energy to deal with stuff! Trying to cheer me up is like saying what I am feeling now does not matter (even if they have the best intentions). They cannot give me their energy and I would not take it if I could because I am not an energy vampire. There are only a very few people I can share energy with....

It is so odd being so different and extreme (even from most aspies) yet seeming so much like an NT to NTs. They certainly cannot read my face though! They get almost nothing from it. I feel like I am showing all of these intense feelings on my face. They do feel my energy though... they just don't know what it is or what it means (nothing, lol).

The father thing was horrible for me... along with my mother's constant concern about my sexuality... it made me feel like there must be something really wrong with me when I was younger, like I am evil pervert or something. The reality is that I am mostly heart and caring (the total opposite of a sociopath) I seek mutuality in everything I do with others and really wouldn't even know how to lie.

I am pretty calm until people see my claws (but they always deserve it, lol)!

 

[LunaticCentruroides]

Most people do not get depression and have no idea what it is. Like "are you sad?" or "don't be down, things are much better than they seem!". They try to cheer me up because the depression is simply not comfortable to them. They don't understand that it is an energy thing... I simply have no energy to deal with stuff! Trying to cheer me up is like saying what I am feeling now does not matter (even if they have the best intentions). They cannot give me their energy and I would not take it if I could because I am not an energy vampire. There are only a very few people I can share energy with....

It is so odd being so different and extreme (even from most aspies) yet seeming so much like an NT to NTs. They certainly cannot read my face though! They get almost nothing from it. I feel like I am showing all of these intense feelings on my face. They do feel my energy though... they just don't know what it is or what it means (nothing, lol).

The father thing was horrible for me... along with my mother's constant concern about my sexuality... it made me feel like there must be something really wrong with me when I was younger, like I am evil pervert or something. The reality is that I am mostly heart and caring (the total opposite of a sociopath) I seek mutuality in everything I do with others and really wouldn't even know how to lie.

I am pretty calm until people see my claws (but they always deserve it, lol)!

Agree and agree haha. It's a joke how people view our state of mind. Depression takes over your whole brain and your life and it's not just a mood that disappears tomorrow, but they think it is lol... Especially when it comes to energy it becomes more complicated. Also because we both need to charge our energy more frequently and isolated. If we're depleted, then that's just what it is. Almost no single soul has the ability to give us that energy, except of ppl like us maybe. The crazy thing I experienced sometimes that when other people try to give me their energy I almost feel like intoxicated and even more depleted. And yeah..like you I wouldn't take their dirty energy either lol...


So people can't read your face? Yes I think people definitely feel the energy, but can't read my face.


Yeah it's crazy. The way your mother treated you is similar of how my grandmother treated me. It was unbelievable. She almost looked at me if I was a threat for her. Some adult people are just soo confused.. Emotionally ****ed. You're definitely not what your mother said.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

yep! I have experienced that too with the strange energy and feeling even more drained and almost dizzy with it... like what am I supposed to do with that? It is just easier to self heal. Only the people I share energy with can give energy to me because they have the same type of energy... almost like a blood donor. The right people actually don't give me their energy... they generate energy with me. That helps but isolating is also part of it.

If I need to isolate to heal or deal... I don't want people to try to get me to hang out because they are afraid of my isolating. It is just how I do it. I have been self healing for half a century now... I know what works for me

 

[Ursus Chainus]

I got told "you're lazy!" after I lost an office job that I really couldn't cope with. Others too, but that's the one that really sticks in my mind.

Lazy?
Yeah... they just have it much easier because the world is made for them. Walk in our shoes for a mile!

To the person who calls you lazy:

"Oh wait", they ask "where are your shoes?" Sorry... I never was given shoes.
"Oh wait!", they ask "why is there so much broken glass on the ground?" You never noticed because you always wear shoes.
"Oh wait!!!" they ask "Why is it so dark? I cannot see my way!!!" Yeah... forgot about that, you were given a flashlight too.....

 

[Aspychata]

Because of my job, l come home and happily isolate. l just need to recharge. The Covid situation has everyone stressed because the job market tanked. People's energy in general is off and nobody knows what to do. And since working at a private club, l am seeing having money isn't much helping these people either.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

Some examples:

You are too complicated
You are too sensitive
You’re too screwed up
You’re lost
You are evil
You are cold hearted
You are too shy
You are too quiet
You are too distant
YOU THINK TOO MUCH (that one is ridiculous)
Why are you so depressed?
Why do you look so angry?
Why do you look so serious?
Why do you look so depressed? (maybe because I am you dumbass)
You have to be more confident
You are underestimating yourself
You are overestimating yourself
You are crazy
You are a violent and perfidious person
You psycho (haha)
You are selfish!
You don’t care about others
Why don’t you talk to me?!
You’re too lazy
It’s your fault your father has problems (haha yeah...right)
You have no empathy
How can someone have so many problems??!!
You have too many problems
Asshole
Witch

Been thinking about this one a lot: "It’s your fault your father has problems". Man does that make me angry! Only total jerks say things like that to children (or even adult children). I was made to feel responsible for everyone emotionally because they could not get their "stuff" together. In one of the last conversations I had with my mother when I discussed the difficulties I had because of one of the men she married, she fired back... "my childhood was much worse than yours!"... like having a difficult childhood is some sort of pissing match. Also... I had no responsibility in her childhood... her crappy choice in men was her issue. She was not a responsible parent. Don't get me started on my dad!

LC, you did not of these things and are none of these things. They robbed you of energy and power but you are building it back up again. Actually... I really have no idea what most of these things mean other than being ways of stealing your energy and power.

These are stupid words!

 

[Jonn]

Wouldn't it be nice to just be ourselves?

Yes, it would.
I have been all my life, and it was probably best that I was.
I wouldn't have been accepted anyway, had I masked.
That was never going to happen, whatever I did.

This way, I have developed a profoundly defiant personality that I am rather fond of.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

Yes, it would.
I have been all my life, and it was probably best that I was.
I wouldn't have been accepted anyway, had I masked.
That was never going to happen, whatever I did.

This way, I have developed a profoundly defiant personality that I am rather fond of.

I am fond of your defiant personality as well

 

[Jonn]

Thanks, Yogi...

 

[Ursus Chainus]

Thanks, Yogi...

No Problem BooBoo

 

[grommet]

Because of a recent painful experience, I have compiled a list of hurtful things people I thought that cared about me have said.

I feel the main issue we have in being ASD is experiential invalidation. This means that our experiences are not believed because social stuff is second nature to most. This means that people think that we are thinking or doing things that are stupid, "crazy" or intense because somehow we are flawed.

I am a kind and compassionate person, first and foremost. I am strong as hell because I have survived so much. It hurts when people tell me... "You are so X" or "You are not X enough" or "You are too little X". They cannot read me just as I cannot read them. They then assume I do things for the same reasons that NTs do things. I actually have no real reasons other than I don't know how to express myself appropriately. I have no intentions. I have no subtlety. I do not read between the lines or write between them. I am totally WYSIWYG.

Here is a partial list:
You are too arrogant
You are too sensitive (I like to say I am sensitive but NOT fragile)
You are sappy
You are too intense (I would rather be intense than insipid)
You are a bubble boy
You are too distant
You are too close
You are too nice
You are mean
You are offensive
You are a pervert (mostly my parents said this when I was a kid)
You are needy (this one gets me, I don't need people like NTs do)
What am I supposed to do with that? (when saying something that I felt was caring!)
Don't you have any self respect?
You just don't give a crap, do you?
You are not dumb, there is no way you are autistic
Why do you say such stupid things?
You think too much
Why not just think the way most people do (said when I was explaining one of my many theories)

At my age, I am tired of trying to "fix" myself to be appropriate. It is simple... I never learned NT rules and honestly... I really don't care to. They are massively complex and not worth the time. I focus on being a person who does the right things for the right reasons in this world. As a white dude, I have a lot of privilege in being able to just give up trying... I know it is MUCH harder for my aspie sisters and minority aspie brothers and sisters!

Wouldn't it be nice to just be ourselves?

My ex-girlfriend said she would not marry me because she didn't want to put my wheelchair in her car after the ceremony. It is one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.

As a boy I was called "Mr. Scientific". That hurt a lot. I was also called in a disapproving voice, 'intense'. Another girlfriend said I had a selective memory, implying I was choosing to forget things.

In junior high at a dance a girl said to me "You are so weird!" but absolutely to her defense I had just mimicked some behaviour that was wrong. I didn't know how to relate to the other kids so I tried to remember things I saw them do and do them too. Maybe I didn't know when to do them or how to do them properly but I was unpleasant to her and that made her say that. I didn't mean to be unpleasant I just honestly was floundering trying to figure out what to do in a social situation.

 

[Jordy]

My mother asked me if i was even human.

 

[zozie]

Wow, what a thread. For my part, the most harmful thing a person has said to me has been well-intentioned. Kindly meant and ongoing.

When I was a 13, I was recovering from childhood abuse. I told my mother I needed to go to the psych ward to work myself out, having seen her do the same with positive results. I went to the psych ward, told the doctors I had an abuse history I wanted to work through and they said:

No one in this place wants to be here. You want to be here so you don't belong here.

I had to try to commit suicide to get their attention.

They put me in a residential unit for a few months, and had me on 6x the normal dose of antidepressants for the next 15 years (age 13-28), with constant CBT telling me that my brain was lying to me. It wrecked my life for a long time, and I am just now, at 40, beginning to trust my brain. Have to face the doctors again for my assessment next week, and I will admit that I am terrified. What if history repeats itself?

It would have been a lot easier, I sometimes think, if I'd heard nasty words from the outset. Then again, perhaps we all think a different kind of abuse would have been easier. I don't mean to invalidate anyone's experience.

Other hurtful things:

Too intense
Purposefully hateful/dismissive/unfeeling
Scary
You should be grateful
I'd leave you for a porn star (ex husband)
You're too fat to be attractive (also ex husband)
You're so mean
Talk too much
Stupid
Gullible
Liar
She must have tempted him to abuse her (I was 9 and he had pled guilty)
"How could you not know/see/understand _____?"

and silence. That one is hurtful, too. No feedback, no information, just nothing.

But the worst, like I said, is You don't know your own mind. Leave it to the experts.

 

[Jordy]

You are such a [word deleted] autist
Go buy some new clothes
Are you even human
Why are you the way that you are
You are such a [word deleted] person
You are so [word deleted] weird
You are pathetic
You are so [word deleted] selfish
retard

In place of the deleted words, use your imagination.

Some examples:

You are too complicated
You are too sensitive
You’re too screwed up
You’re lost
You are evil
You are cold hearted
You are too shy
You are too quiet
You are too distant
YOU THINK TOO MUCH (that one is ridiculous)
Why are you so depressed?
Why do you look so angry?
Why do you look so serious?
Why do you look so depressed? (maybe because I am you dumbass)
You have to be more confident
You are underestimating yourself
You are overestimating yourself
You are crazy
You are a violent and perfidious person
You psycho (haha)
You are selfish!
You don’t care about others
Why don’t you talk to me?!
You’re too lazy
It’s your fault your father has problems (haha yeah...right)
You have no empathy
How can someone have so many problems??!!
You have too many problems
Asshole
Witch

I have also been called 90% of these

At first when someone says something like that i know that it isnt true and that there are people who don't think about me like that at all. But the words will just keep lingering in my head and i start doubting myself that its all true, that i am an awfull person until i eventually even start to believe it. I wish i could get everything that people said to me out of my head, i doubt myself so much and i am always paranoid about how people perceive me.

 

[Jonn]

My mother asked me if i was even human.

What did you say?

 

[Jordy]

What did you say?

i didnt reply

 

[QueenOfFrance87]

My brother used to say these things in the past. He called me unattractive and unlikely to lose my virginity. He also said that I don't have any friends because they never come to my house.

 

[Jonn]

My brother used to say these things in the past. He called me unattractive and unlikely to lose my virginity. He also said that I don't have any friends because they never come to my house.

Was he right?

 

[AprilR]

I am too sensitive.
I am too obsessive (i have ocd surprise surprise!)

 

[hatfullofrain]

"Your sister will get married before you because you're deep and dark and guys don't like that"

"For some one really intelligent you can be really stupid"

"You're just lazy"

"You're too clever, guys don't like that"

"You've had your hearing tested, you're not stupid"