WHAT IS YOUR ONE BIG TURNOFF WHEN LOOKING FOR A PARTNER?

[King_Oni]

Thanks for the acknowledgement. That kind of feedback from a moderator matters in maintaining a good atmosphere. It's awesome when a mod interjects something that isn't in red boldface!

I'm sorry

 

[Grumpy Cat]

The trouble with wanting Downton Abbey-style romance is that very few men maintain that stuff once a relationship is established. Another reason why it's a precarious thing on which to hinge an assessment. If you read the article royinpink posted, it's generally a device these days. Truth be told, it really wasn't that different in the post-Edwardian era, with the exception that that sort of chivalry was better-maintained in public over the long term, at least among the upper classes. If you read much social history or historical biography, you'll find that much of what you see of relationships in period BBC TV is romanticized considerably. Why? Because it's many women's fantasy. Sadly, promoting that illusion leaves a lot of them very disappointed in real life.

Boo Hoo! (Sniffle, sniffle, foghorn noseblow) I feel like I should be living in another time period. Alas!
Can't a girl still dream???

And open my door! And pull my chair out (but not from underneath of me!)

 

[royinpink]

Perhaps originally a lot of traditional gender roles were about power, and I know a few men and women who try to enforce because they are a little too controlling, but thankfully it can be about functionality now instead of power. Like right after Little Mischief came along. We both agreed formula was out of the question and not healthy enough for our standards, so I stayed home with the kid while he went to work until the kid was big enough to be weaned. And now I'm bringing home the bacon!

Just wanted to quickly address this. I in no way mean that individual men and women shouldn't sort out what works best for them based on their own strengths and weaknesses, etc. Actually I think that's exactly what should happen. I don't see how there could possibly be a one-size-fits-all 'exactly equal' relationship...ew. When I say 'traditional gender roles', I guess I think of it as having a more robust meaning. Maybe the following will explain where I'm coming from.

If there is one thing I learned from anthropology, it is "form does not equal function"--that is a word, a behavior, a ritual can mean different things depending on context. One person can stay at home because she believes it's her place. One can do it because it just works out for her and her partner at that point in time. A third can see it as a necessary sacrifice (while her husband might never consider his career something he could 'sacrifice' for the sake of his marriage). So when I say traditional gender roles, I mean form+function, not just what you do but why you do it and what it means to your relationship.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think there will always be a place for at least some traditional gender roles in relationships. It would be silly to deny that each sex has strengths, weaknesses and natural preferences. I think a good relationship is one where things balance out and everyone does what they're better at. If it means utter role reversal, cool. If it means sticking to traditional norms, cool. As long as nobody starts insisting on which sex should do what.

I know, right? I don't know why some people who were power-hungry, insecure, or whatever their personal issue was had to go and make certain roles almost taboo to take on, no matter how "natural" they were. I've known couples on both sides of the traditional coin that were as happy and devoted as could be, or even aspired to be in some roles, but caught grief because of it.

Although you can't get out of some rules of which gender should do something. I really don't think it'd be appropriate if the men started lactating, however much devious amusement some of us would have from making men wear bras with an underwire.

Until you added the bit about the naughtier couples at the end, I was thinking "looking at the trees" was a euphemism, though I suppose that would rightly be "trees and bushes".

I like cheap dates like walks and truck rides, though not just for the "cheap" part. When I was training as a counselor, I learned that it's better to sit across from a female when talking, but beside a male, facing the same direction. There are a number of explanations for this; the one I like best is that in our distant past, men hunted side-by-side, while women's work was more often done sitting opposite over a stationary task. I've found that a guy will be more open and communicative when a girl isn't staring at him, so walking or riding is a great solution when trying to get to know him. This also reminds me of the quote I've posted a couple of times by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: "Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." That's figurative language, of course, but this scheme works well in reality, too.

Aye, and the same holds true for some of us tomboys. Better to approach us from the side than straight on in confrontation.

Games are some of my favorite dates. Never could figure out why some girls hated a guy who played games. What better way to test the strength of your relationship than fighting off enemy hordes together?

Just wanted to quickly address this. I in no way mean that individual men and women shouldn't sort out what works best for them based on their own strengths and weaknesses, etc. Actually I think that's exactly what should happen. I don't see how there could possibly be a one-size-fits-all 'exactly equal' relationship...ew. When I say 'traditional gender roles', I guess I think of it as having a more robust meaning. Maybe the following will explain where I'm coming from.

If there is one thing I learned from anthropology, it is "form does not equal function"--that is a word, a behavior, a ritual can mean different things depending on context. One person can stay at home because she believes it's her place. One can do it because it just works out for her and her partner at that point in time. A third can see it as a necessary sacrifice (while her husband might never consider his career something he could 'sacrifice' for the sake of his marriage). So when I say traditional gender roles, I mean form+function, not just what you do but why you do it and what it means to your relationship.

Aye, I think that's the most logical step to assign roles based on functionality rather than forcing it on somebody because of whatever silly reason. Having worked a few jobs where the wrong person was put in charge, forcing people into the wrong role can have horrible end results.

It's kind of awkward to try and admit you're in a traditional role. I kept mine mostly secret outside of family. On the one hand, you've got the cavemen smirking that you've been put in your place. On the other hand, you've got very aggressive and angry career women chewing you out for wanting to spend time with your kid. And both of them are federally protected in their own way so you can't slap sense into either of them.

 

[tachyon]

Knowing what you don't want, and therefore, crossing out potential partners you run into, pretty much anywhere, is relatively easy I suppose.

Knowing what exactly you're looking for is a bit harder... and also a lot more limiting, as it feels more like an absolute choice.

It can be an extremely limiting option depending how many (and what sort of) criteria you come up with.

BUT, I think an absolute choice is a good option for those who know what they want. Don't expect you'll get what you want, but at least you have a basis for making a decision other than -

• I'm lonely
• I must have a boy (girl) friend so I'm accepted by family
• My peer group expect it
• I must breed soon
• Many more!!

Rank them in order of 'must have' to 'desirable' such as -

• Intelligence
• Kindness
• Independence
• Acceptance of individuality/difference
• Understanding of need for individual time & space
• Lack of desire to control or change partner
• Total disinterest in celebrities (ok - maybe that should have been top of the list)

And of course - "must be smoking hot" (joking )

Sit down, make a list and good luck

 

[Warmheart]

My last one. I swear!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

My last one. I swear!

Are you hungry or something?

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Games are some of my favorite dates. Never could figure out why some girls hated a guy who played games. What better way to test the strength of your relationship than fighting off enemy hordes together?

Tigers and bears have both been observed interacting with others of their kind in the wild. Animal psychologists have remarked that tigers box partly to make friends--and partly to ensure that a prospective mate is actually fit. Bears--may be doing the same thing, or just amusing themselves--a bear would have to be supremely successful as a hunter to afford the "waste" of calories.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Tigers and bears have both been observed interacting with others of their kind in the wild. Animal psychologists have remarked that tigers box partly to make friends--and partly to ensure that a prospective mate is actually fit. Bears--may be doing the same thing, or just amusing themselves--a bear would have to be supremely successful as a hunter to afford the "waste" of calories.

My husband and I were talking about bears during salmon migration here recently. I'm not sure whether they're lazy or ingenious, but how they catch salmon definitely puts them in the successful category.

 

[Jusdifferent]

Me first.

It would have to be lack of good manners. He must be a gentleman and have good manners. These would be things such as: opening doors, pulling out my chair, no foul language, seeing me to my front door, planning and asking me out on dates even if we have been going out for awhile, and to pay for these dates unless I plan a special outing for the both of us. Dress is important too - don't take me out to a nice place and dress like a bum. Each should always show respect for the other. I want a gentleman who will treat me like a lady!

PS: I think the rules of etiquette were put there for a reason. I read in "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" that when men pay for dates and do the things I mentioned above it makes them feel more manly and women feel more feminine. I do believe that too. When the roles are changed, it just seems things in the relationship goes downhill.

Honestly? Gonna sound terrible, but here it is... Anyone "overly social" - especially those who want to constantly "entertain"/ have folks over/go out/clubbing/parties. ( Christ... Getting hives just thinking about it! ) I also can't bear those annoying people that feel they have to share EVERYTHING via Facebook, Twitter... Constantly checking phones - UGHhhhhh! ( I am a very private person, and I just can't deal with that crap. )

 

[Jusdifferent]

I'm not looking for a partner because I already have one, but the first big turn-off would be smoking. I can't start smoking. Then it would be imposing gender roles - I don't fit into the typical female gender role and I wouldn't like it if he tried to make me into something I'm not. Then he'd need to give me plenty of personal space, and not be demanding of me sexually or in other ways. Actually, I don't like sex much and can do without it!

Oh, he'd have to like prog rock, of course

I totally understand about the "imposing of gender roles". *I googled "gender queer" on day, as I saw the term OL, and didn't know what it meant, and got a surprise - it described me to a tee ;-\

 

[Maelstrom]

I wish I could find a woman that was warm and willing to work through things with me. I don't get this attitude that I'm going freeze you out if you don't read my mind and do everything I want instantly. I do my best to please, but I'm going to miss stuff sometimes, and there has to be some give and take sometimes, are you seriously going to respect me if I'm just your mindless robot. And I need time to think on things a little, you'll get more yeses if you're patient.

and my pic. is new took it 2 weeks agoe...see Mael didn't lie about the auti looking young thing.

 

[abby normal]

right wingers in general. sociopaths and BPD types.

 

[I am Matt]

Smoking cigarettes. there is a girl who I guess to outsiders would say "friendzoned" me because we are friends and don't date/have sex. The truth is though every since she started smoking (she didn't when I met her), I would NEVER date her now even if she wanted to date me. I continue to be friends with her because she's very cool, but smoking just isn't my thing.

 

[Spiller]

I rather enjoy opening doors and pulling out chairs, etc, for women, I do it because my father taught me to treat a woman like a Lady and because I enjoy doing so - I get where he was coming from there, it also makes me feel like a gentleman to act like one and I hope it makes the woman I'm with feel special, especially if we're out to dinner.. it doesn't have to happen all the time, but I think it's nice when we get the opportunity to 'act' in such a harmless and enjoyable way.
I have no ulterior motive such as expecting sex in 'payment' - in my view, any relationship (potential or long term) being as equal as possible, I'd not presume to pressure someone, in any way, to do 'what's expected'.
Maybe this is why I've had no 'luck' with women - I'm not following 'normal' and expected protocols, mainly because I don't know what they are.. and why my manners are usually thrown back in my face - I'm always surprised to hear "I can open a door by myself", or "It's 2015 now, chivalry's dead!".
How sad that I can't be accepted for who I am and the way I act and that good manners seem to have been consigned to the past.

 

[Greg]

I rather enjoy opening doors and pulling out chairs, etc, for women, I do it because my father taught me to treat a woman like a Lady and because I enjoy doing so - I get where he was coming from there, it also makes me feel like a gentleman to act like one and I hope it makes the woman I'm with feel special, especially if we're out to dinner.. it doesn't have to happen all the time, but I think it's nice when we get the opportunity to 'act' in such a harmless and enjoyable way.
I have no ulterior motive such as expecting sex in 'payment' - in my view, any relationship (potential or long term) being as equal as possible, I'd not presume to pressure someone, in any way, to do 'what's expected'.
Maybe this is why I've had no 'luck' with women - I'm not following 'normal' and expected protocols, mainly because I don't know what they are.. and why my manners are usually thrown back in my face - I'm always surprised to hear "I can open a door by myself", or "It's 2015 now, chivalry's dead!".
How sad that I can't be accepted for who I am and the way I act and that good manners seem to have been consigned to the past.

I agree with doing those things for a woman. My wife loves the fact that I do things like that for her and I personally think there are other women out there like her. It is just nice to do things for them and treat them like a lady with respect.

 

[Tia Maria]

Thanks for the welcome back. I agree with a lot of what you said, but I personally see a difference between common courtesy and gendered expectations. I'll gladly hold a door for anyone who needs it and appreciate it when others do the same for me. And if a man (strange or familiar) holds a door for me when I don't need assistance, I can and do accept it as an exercise of the good manners he was taught. I don't penalize men for trying to be chivalrous. I just wish we as a society would move away from gendered expectations in romance for the reasons I've stated previously.

I know what you mean about moving away from the 'gendered expectations' in romance. I guess I was more referring to common courtesy & good manners - something I personally appreciate in BOTH genders at all ages.

I was thinking of this yesterday (& also smiling to myself) as I held the door over & over for men & women alike, & had the door held for me by men & women!! Whoever went through the door first - I was out running errands - held it for whoever came behind!! That is how it's pretty much always done where I live - & I like it! LOL!

I also see a relationship as a team/partnership much as Grumpy Cat described with both people contributing what they can, when they can, for the good of the (family) unit. But that really comes 'after' the dating period of getting to know the other person & determining what each person wants from the relationship etc...

When/if a couple makes a commitment to each other, to me an ideal relationship is one of equal but different partners, because everyone has their own unique strengths (& weaknesses), some of which may be gender related, or not. For instance, I love planting & gardening, but am not as physically strong as my husband (or most men) so rely on him or else a hired hand to dig the larger holes in the yard!!!! (I hate that actually because it's inconvenient & would LOVE if I could plant whatever I wanted at any time without any help!) Other than that we pretty much both do anything & everything. The past few years I have picked up more of the household chores & responsibilities, by choice, because I have more time now & feel it would be unfair otherwise. (It's just us both doing our share to keep our life in order.) I would say that most of my family & friends all divide responsibilities based on convenience & who is free (or has more energy ) at the time - NOT based on prescribed gender roles.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic here ..... I do know what you mean & I agree, with the minor exception that I think in a dating relationship - at least for the young, inexperienced (in life), simple courtesies like holding a door or going to the door when picking someone up (versus honking the horn outside while sitting in one's car!) is appropriate, & desirable. I find that a man being a 'gentleman' is attractive as well as demonstrates good manners & civility in general. Of course this is a superficial vantage point because what really matters is how someone behaves behind closed doors, & on a consistent basis. Assuming what one sees is what one gets.

Many women do like to be asked out & treated for a first date, also planned by the man, but after the initial (or a few) dates many young dating couples today take turns planning & paying, or go 'dutch treat', & they often do things with friends versus just always as a twosome. Although I consider being a 'gentleman' a desirable trait, I also think it gives women more independence to not adhere too strictly to 'gender roles'. And it gets very expensive for one (especially young) person to always be paying for two people. That said, a gentleman should NOT expect sex & young people casually hooking-up, friends with benefits & sex in non-committed (ambiguous) relationships etc ... are NOT good things IMO for anyone, & especially women (sorry if I am offending anyone).

Separately, one of my nieces attends an all girl HS & the atmosphere of 'all girls only' is really nice (no offense to the men! lol!). One neat benefit was that the girls were entirely 'in charge' for all their formal dances, like Winter Ball & prom. The girls got asked by boys to formals at their schools, but for all their own school activities it was cool how they were so empowered. One year most of the girls decided to make one of the dances date-free. When I was in HS we had a 'Sadie Hawkins dance' each year where the girls invited the boys, but even that was SO different than how it is at my niece's school.

 

[Tia Maria]

I rather enjoy opening doors and pulling out chairs, etc, for women, I do it because my father taught me to treat a woman like a Lady and because I enjoy doing so - I get where he was coming from there, it also makes me feel like a gentleman to act like one and I hope it makes the woman I'm with feel special, especially if we're out to dinner.. it doesn't have to happen all the time, but I think it's nice when we get the opportunity to 'act' in such a harmless and enjoyable way.
I have no ulterior motive such as expecting sex in 'payment' - in my view, any relationship (potential or long term) being as equal as possible, I'd not presume to pressure someone, in any way, to do 'what's expected'.
Maybe this is why I've had no 'luck' with women - I'm not following 'normal' and expected protocols, mainly because I don't know what they are.. and why my manners are usually thrown back in my face - I'm always surprised to hear "I can open a door by myself", or "It's 2015 now, chivalry's dead!".
How sad that I can't be accepted for who I am and the way I act and that good manners seem to have been consigned to the past.

Spiller, you are a true gentleman & would also make the most wonderful of friends!!! How I wish you lived nearby! Anyone who says things like "I can open a door by myself" or "It's 2015 now, chivalry's dead!" instead of a happy "THANK YOU" does not have good manners!! If it's a stranger, just smile & ignore, but never date such a person because she does not deserve you! You don't need changing, you just need to find some nicer people to associate with.

 

[Tia Maria]

... a close bond with the person I care about .... we don't have to live in each others pockets ....

Hey, how big are those pockets??!?! Or was your last girlfriend named Polly?



Polly Pocket is a toy line of dolls and accessories. The name comes from the fact that many of the original Polly Pocket dolls came in pocket-size cases. .... The original dolls sold by Bluebird Toys were less than one inch tall and made of hard plastic.

Polly Pocket - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Tia Maria]

I don't think that being chivalrous or romantic is necessarily superficial because how someone behaves & treats others can be an indication of their up-bringing & more.

After getting to know a person better & over time I would be evaluating who they are beyond their politeness, good manners & "dating skills". I like someone who could competently weather the storms & difficulties of life without falling apart (or losing it!).

In my experiences these are not always personality traits that can be determined at the earliest stages of dating because sometimes it takes an event or hardship to occur to know how well a person will react or handle something. Some people are also good 'actors' or put up a fake persona in order to win someone over, & then over time or during a crisis their real personality comes through.

I also value traditional values! And I find there is also nothing wrong with being romantic. There are plenty of men & women both who love romance.

IMO finding someone who is compatible to ourself, not to someone else's heart's desire, is the most important thing. There is no right or wrong in what someone is looking for in a partner because we each want someone who fits with us & would make us happy (& vice versa). We're each as different & unique as a snowflake or stone on the ground, so of course what we seek in a partner, lover, soul mate will also be unique, but equally worthwhile. Who's to judge what someone else says they desire in a relationship? I believe we can all learn from each other's experiences, but find there is no right or wrong on this subject because what someone else reports as their "one big turnoff when looking for a partner" does not infringe on me or anyone else.

EDIT: I just wrote up an add-on to this post to clarify what I personally mean by the phrase 'traditional values' & it was LOST! Oh no!!! I don't really have the time right now but had wanted to Edit this post while I was still able to do so .... but now I do not have any more time so will have to re-compose my thoughts in the future. Hint, it is about being a good & responsible person, not about gender, race, ethnicity, religious creed, or sexual preference.