Why I'll always be single

[Andrew Campbell]

I'm just wondering if anyone can telate to or help me with this stuff. Aparently I have a myriad of flaws that keep me from being "datable" or even "likable" by a majoraty of females (including some from here). Here's a list:
1. I'm not good looking
2. I'm too pushy
3. I'm not a good conversationalist
4. I'm too forward/open

Those are top four issues.

 

[Ereth]

I call BS on all four.

1 is a matter of opinion, and 2-4 are things that can be worked on within a relationship. I used to think I'd never find anybody either, but I gave myself a chance, and then somebody gave me a chance. You won't ever find a partner if you've already given up on it.

 

[Flower44590]

I'm just wondering if anyone can telate to or help me with this stuff. Aparently I have a myriad of flaws that keep me from being "datable" or even "likable" by a majoraty of females (including some from here). Here's a list:
1. I'm not good looking
2. I'm too pushy
3. I'm not a good conversationalist
4. I'm too forward/open

Those are top four issues.

Number one on your list is subjective. There are plenty of people who will find you attractive and like the way you look. You just have to find them. Numbers two through four are just opportunities for you to grow and adapt and to find someone who compliments you. If you're pushy, you would be happy with someone submissive. If you don't like conversation then you are perfect for someone who only needs scant amounts. And if you're too open then you're great for someone who values honesty. (I really would take too open as a compliment. Most people seem to base who they are on their ideas of how others are perceiving them, rather than just being open. )

 

[Ereth]

Number one on your list is subjective. There are plenty of people who will find you attractive and like the way you look. You just have to find them. Numbers two through four are just opportunities for you to grow and adapt and to find someone who compliments you.

Adding to this: more important than finding someone who thinks you're attractive is being comfortable with yourself. And it should be complements, with an e. It's not too difficult to find someone willing to flatter, but it takes a little longer to find someone with whom you're truly compatible.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Adding to this: more important than finding someone who thinks you're attractive is being comfortable with yourself. And it should be complements, with an e. It's not too difficult to find someone willing to flatter, but it takes a little longer to find someone with whom you're truly compatible.

You know you're right Ereth - it is complement with an "e"! I was thinking "I don't think she's right, I think compliment is spelled with an 'i'" and I'll be darned if it isn't spelled with an "e" (the one you mean)! You got me on that one.

 

[King_Oni]

Well, 2,3 and 4.. as others have pointed out, are things you could work on. And some people might not even look for those qualities, so you might even be good to go if you don't posess these skills.

And 1. is subjective. To play the devils advocate; even 1 can be fixed. With all the surgeries going on nowadays, even truly ugly people can be made according to some ideal of beauty. And with that I'm not saying you look horrible or anything, but just pointing out that if you think you're not attractive, there's even a fix for that.

The older you get, the more superficial reasons might come up why people want or not want to date you. "How much money you make" seems to be one of those major things I hear often. Add in things like the way you dress, the interests you have and more of that... it's what makes someone you're compatible with, rather than finding someone for a fun night a lot harder in general. Though you could of course be more inclined to be of the "I don't care about these superficial things" variation and those people exist. But with that personality becomes more prevalent, and that by itself is something people lack as well (well, not lack personality alltogether, but lack an interesting personality).

So that's stuff you might wonder about and might give you a different perspective on "priorities" when it comes to finding someone.

 

[livingaspie]

There is someone for everyone including Aspies. Focus on what you like about yourself. This allows positive energy to flow and potential connections to be made. Remember, the obstacle is the journey.

 

[cairnsbird]

Andrew don't worry someone is out there for you, you just have not found them yet. Its when you get to be my age that nobody takes any notice of you. Men seem to think that older women are duds. They are the duds!
Keep trying, you will find a nice lady.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I call BS on all four.

1 is a matter of opinion

Yes, you're right but what you fail to take into account is there are some people whom, in everybody's opinion (or at least, most peoples) they are considered ugly:

 

[Ereth]

Fail to take into account? No, I lived like that for twenty years. "Pretty" was an adjective I rarely heard used to describe myself.

 

[ImAnAspie]

Fail to take into account? No, I lived like that for twenty years. "Pretty" was an adjective I rarely heard used to describe myself.

And yet you've had partners

 

[Ereth]

I have had one. Please don't make assumptions about my life when you know nothing about me.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I have had one. Please don't make assumptions about my life when you know nothing about me.

Perhaps partners is the wrong word. Encounters! and don't tell me that's one. That, I know!

 

[Ereth]

If by encounters you mean dates, then the number is still one. I think you've made your point. And I've made mine. So please, let's not take the thread places it doesn't need to go.

 

[ImAnAspie]

If by encounters you mean dates, then the number is still one. I think you've made your point. And I've made mine. So please, let's not take the thread places it doesn't need to go.

Agreed!

 

[Gomendosi]

I'm just wondering if anyone can relate to or help me with this stuff. Apparently I have a myriad of flaws that keep me from being "datable" or even "likable" by a majority of females (including some from here). Here's a list:
1. I'm not good looking
2. I'm too pushy
3. I'm not a good conversationalist
4. I'm too forward/open

Those are top four issues.

I have found this show to be particularly humbling when I was trying to figure out why I was lacklustre in the Casanova stakes:
The Undateables - Profiles - Channel 4

It may be wise to keep in mind you are only young and potentially have a lot of living still to do and a lot of mistakes yet to learn from ; ]

A lot of the things you are experiencing are made worse by being on the spectrum as does being on the spectrum make worse your own perception of these things, I personally believe that of course, anybody can go out and find another person to fulfil there carnal desires, some people find somebody not altogether unappealing and just "settle" or at least get together until "something better" comes along. Some people even have cyber relationships they consider real enough to give them what they need. But often if you are looking for long term love it does not grow on trees but requires a lot of hard work from both parties and one of any number of pre-existing relationships to build it up from, whether it be an occasional chat with a librarian, barista, sales assistant ETC. or a friend of a family member, a chance meeting with a stranger even, honestly, anybody you want to know more about can become a potential partner really.

I always feel, and this may not be the case for you but it doesn't hurt to re-evaluate ones own views occasionally, I believe that while a person has their head in the clouds scanning for the wealthy socialite with the killer physique and features to make all their dreams come true, the really real people are walking by and maybe even showing interest but are rarely seen for the gems they are.

1) Everybody is good looking, even the fellow who's picture was posted above in the example, it just may be that the people that find you attractive may not be people you think are attractive. Often, for all "good looking" people we think we have missed out on, there were that many people that were trying to get our attention that we simply overlooked because they were not our "type".

2) Pushy is a term that is subjective, it can also be seen as being direct, inquisitive or having a healthy curiosity if used in good measure, it could just be the people that think you are pushy are not the calibre of people you want to know. Also, you could ask why they think that and how they believe you could improve, it is a opening to a conversation as well.

3) Conversation is not an easy thing to master if you are trying to master it, every single person is a completely different person and so is a different conversation every time you approach them. I practice at the supermarket with the cashiers, I mention the weather, ask what's been selling well, I find conversation usually is me asking a question, them talking for a while and then me answering a question in return.

4) Openness is the truth and it can be told accurately and made funny which is always better than a half remembered lie that needs more lies for support when people peer too closely. Being open is a good thing as nobody likes people with something to hide. When online I check profiles and it always strikes me that the people with the most advice are the people with the least experience and next to nothing in their profile.

 

[ImAnAspie]

You people just don't get it. You're obviously not ugly and a 30+ virgin. When you're that desperate, you take anything you can get but it just doesn't happen. There are people who never ever get looked at. They can walk into a room and people just look straight through them. Why do you think they're still virgins at 30+ and want to die? Because they're picky? Lol.

 

[Christy]

You people just don't get it. You're obviously not ugly and a 30+ virgin. When you're that desperate, you take anything you can get but it just doesn't happen. There are people who never ever get looked at. They can walk into a room and people just look straight through them. Why do you think they're still virgins at 30+ and want to die? Because they're picky? Lol.

I'm confused, Andrew Campbell isn't a 30+ virgin. I think he's 18. He raised 4 issues, the looks aspect being only one. At that age, my perception of myself and my looks was very different to what it is now (at age 31). These things change as we mature, both physically and how we perceive ourself.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I'm confused, Andrew Campbell isn't a 30+ virgin. I think he's 18. He raised 4 issues, the looks aspect being only one. At that age, my perception of myself and my looks was very different to what it is now (at age 31). These things change as we mature, both physically and how we perceive ourself.

You sound like you're being intentionally obtuse. The poster I replied to said "everybody"! This includes EVERYBODY. Even 30 year old virgins and my point is, there are some people who just don't get any attention whatsoever!
For him to make the statement "there were that many people that were trying to get our attention that we simply overlooked" has no idea what it's like to live this hell. A lot of these men end up going with other men simply because it's the only attention they can get. The desperate helping the desperate out basically. As I said, you wouldn't understand!

 

[Gomendosi]

You sound like you're being intentionally obtuse. The poster I replied to said "everybody"! This includes EVERYBODY. Even 30 year old virgins and my point is, there are some people who just don't get any attention whatsoever!
For him to make the statement "there were that many people that were trying to get our attention that we simply overlooked" has no idea what it's like to live this hell. A lot of these men end up going with other men simply because it's the only attention they can get. The desperate helping the desperate out basically. As I said, you wouldn't understand!

Am I given to understand that you would rather the OP be of the belief there is no hope he will find love and that he should give up?
Should we tell him and others who feel as he does that they should despair of a life with only solitude and bitterness for companions.

As an Aspergical person I joined this site initially to find like minded people who, through their own battles with the hardships of living with such a unique mindset as the spectrum encompasses, could help me find ways of coping and understand and dare I say it, even bettering my own situation. I try occasionally and less occasionally yet, to offer advice I feel the OP could benefit from. The link I posted is to a show about people with physical and mental states that other have deemed unusual in the least to outright repugnant in the extreme, these people are going out there and on strength of character alone some of them have found love and if they can do it then there is a chance for anybody.

As to whether or not I would understand, you may not have read to many of the posts around the forum or perchance you would have blindly stumbled on one or two of mine, and upon reading them would have discovered whether or not I am given to be of the understanding sort.
I reply now only to suggest that you may wish to follow this thread closely and see if you can take away anything from it that may help you to become enlightened on the matter of what it is that makes a person attractive to another.
You know, a person can be a professional model or bodybuilder, be rolling in cash and have people falling all around them to get a moment of their time and... they might still be as ugly as the day is long, because a person like that may prove to have a rotten core.

The problem is that the thread is not about beauty, the misconception or reality of it and what it is that quantifies the word even and should anybody start a thread on the understanding of ugliness it may well receive posts to it, this thread however is about an individual enquiring if anybody can relate to what he feels may be relevant factors in his ability to be "datable".