Why I'll always be single

[Mattymatt]

I feel this way may self. Many of todays relationships are frail as it is, even with many people being more attractive, intelligent, and charismatic than I. I feel disinterested in relationships unless they may be durable; sturdy; long-lasting.

Very understandable! I'm fresh off a breakup with a somewhat cold NT and I'm relieved! She wouldn't even list herself as in a relationship on Facebook. Whatever .... I'm free!

 

[blue_bird]

That's an easy one for me to answer. I'm a complete mess psychologically and I'm just not confident enough to find someone who will like me. This stems mainly from the belief that all my various disorders and resultant dysfunctionality gives me no hope in finding someone. Quite frankly I don't believe I'm good enough to. I know I need to change the way I see myself, but if I haven't already I don't think I ever will. Unfortunately there isn't a women who will want to get to know me first, and then accept me as I am. I have to make the first move and for someone of my mental makeup it's just not gonna happen. So I've prepared for being alone. Well, at least I'm used to it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

That's an easy one for me to answer. I'm a complete mess psychologically and I'm just not confident enough to find someone who will like me. This stems mainly from the belief that all my various disorders and resultant dysfunctionality gives me no hope in finding someone. Quite frankly I don't believe I'm good enough to. I know I need to change the way I see myself, but if I haven't already I don't think I ever will. Unfortunately there isn't a women who will want to get to know me first, and then accept me as I am. I have to make the first move and for someone of my mental makeup it's just not gonna happen. So I've prepared for being alone. Well, at least I'm used to it.

You're depressing me "I wanna blue". I've been told that being direct helps more so here goes - Put on your big boy pants and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I believe that what a person believes is what is going to be portrayed to others. If you don't believe you are good enough, then you won't be. You say you have prepared yourself for being alone, so then you will be. But it doesn't look like you are "used to it" otherwise you wouldn't have put the sad face at the end.

What changed my way of thinking (and I need to read that book again) was the book titled "The Secret". The book talked about "The Law of Attraction" which if I'm not mistaken is backed up by the law of physics for those people who need science proof and it also brought things out from the Bible for those people needing more religious proof. It really helped me at the time, but it's hard to stay positive when you're brought up on a pessimistic family. All I know is that it worked for me at the time when I put it into action and it could work for you too. I really think there is something behind positive thinking - the mind is very powerful.

PS: Your avatar is very pretty, but it also signifies how "blue" you are "feeling wise" as well as your name does too. I know I have Grumpy Cat for myself, but it's because every time I look at her she makes me smile and laugh. I just love Grumpy Cat!

 

[Mattymatt]

You're depressing me "I wanna blue". I've been told that being direct helps more so here goes - Put on your big boy pants and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I believe that what a person believes is what is going to be portrayed to others. If you don't believe you are good enough, then you won't be. You say you have prepared yourself for being alone, so then you will be. But it doesn't look like you are "used to it" otherwise you wouldn't have put the sad face at the end.

What changed my way of thinking (and I need to read that book again) was the book titled "The Secret". The book talked about "The Law of Attraction" which if I'm not mistaken is backed up by the law of physics for those people who need science proof and it also brought things out from the Bible for those people needing more religious proof. It really helped me at the time, but it's hard to stay positive when you're brought up on a pessimistic family. All I know is that it worked for me at the time when I put it into action and it could work for you too. I really think there is something behind positive thinking - the mind is very powerful.

PS: Your avatar is very pretty, but it also signifies how "blue" you are "feeling wise" as well as your name does too. I know I have Grumpy Cat for myself, but it's because every time I look at her she makes me smile and laugh. I just love Grumpy Cat!

Sometimes tough love is in order. You'll find someone but you need to work on yourself. I'm in the same boat but I DON'T believe the situation is hopeless.

 

[grommet]

I do, my fiance' left me last week.

 

[Mattymatt]

I do, my fiance' left me last week.

I'm sorry to hear man! Emotional pain can hurt as much as physical pain. It took a lot of courage for you to mention this on a public forum. My first girlfriend and love (mind you, I'm 37 years old) left me a week ago. It isn't easy but we simply must pick ourselves up, dust off, and keep going. I've pulled myself out of the relationship market and taken stock of what I learned.

I'm in no place to offer advice. I can only offer encouragement and the following words: "This too shall pass." These next several weeks may be about finding ourselves, and that, my friend, is perfectly ok

 

[grommet]

Don't feel courage right now. Feel hopeless. Being aspie is alright, it's okay, I don't mind I guess. I enjoy a lot of things I don't think I could if I wasn't. She mailed me the engagement ring back. It was in a small box. I have not been okay, I am not okay. I don't blame her, she is a very nice person and I can be difficult. Still, I don't think I can have relationships and I am feeling very low and very strange, emotions moving up and down and thinking too. Not good.

I'm sorry to hear man! Emotional pain can hurt as much as physical pain. It took a lot of courage for you to mention this on a public forum. My first girlfriend and love (mind you, I'm 37 years old) left me a week ago. It isn't easy but we simply must pick ourselves up, dust off, and keep going. I've pulled myself out of the relationship market and taken stock of what I learned.

I'm in no place to offer advice. I can only offer encouragement and the following words: "This too shall pass." These next several weeks may be about finding ourselves, and that, my friend, is perfectly ok

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm sorry to hear man! Emotional pain can hurt as much as physical pain. It took a lot of courage for you to mention this on a public forum. My first girlfriend and love (mind you, I'm 37 years old) left me a week ago. It isn't easy but we simply must pick ourselves up, dust off, and keep going. I've pulled myself out of the relationship market and taken stock of what I learned.

I'm in no place to offer advice. I can only offer encouragement and the following words: "This too shall pass." These next several weeks may be about finding ourselves, and that, my friend, is perfectly ok

You both have done more than me. I still haven't found my one true love (i've never been in love), but I'm still hopeful and I pray everyday that I will eventually know love. I know, I'm just a hopeless romantic.

 

[Mattymatt]

You both have done more than me. I still haven't found my one true love (i've never been in love), but I'm still hopeful and I pray everyday that I will eventually know love. I know, I'm just a hopeless romantic.

No such a thing as hopeless romantic. You haven't found the right person. The right person will accept you. It will happen it's the only thing I can say with some kind of certainty

 

[grommet]

I am very very lucky. She was my true love, my soulmate. Knowing her I learned a lot of things about myself, that I could love. It was the joy and gift of my life to have been with her. I don't feel good now that she has gone but I know that I did not feel like I had lived my life for a reason until I was with her. For fours years I felt like I had done something right. I hope she is happy and goes on to be happy but I feel bad now. I hope you do love some one, I think it is worth whatever happens. I dated a lot over the years (I am 46) but none of them were right. She was right. She made sense. I am so glad I lived long enough to have that experience. I got more than a lot of people do so if I have to be alone for the rest of my life, it's okay, I was very lucky.

You both have done more than me. I still haven't found my one true love (i've never been in love), but I'm still hopeful and I pray everyday that I will eventually know love. I know, I'm just a hopeless romantic.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I am very very lucky. She was my true love, my soulmate. Knowing her I learned a lot of things about myself, that I could love. It was the joy and gift of my life to have been with her. I don't feel good now that she has gone but I know that I did not feel like I had lived my life for a reason until I was with her. For fours years I felt like I had done something right. I hope she is happy and goes on to be happy but I feel bad now. I hope you do love some one, I think it is worth whatever happens. I dated a lot over the years (I am 46) but none of them were right. She was right. She made sense. I am so glad I lived long enough to have that experience. I got more than a lot of people do so if I have to be alone for the rest of my life, it's okay, I was very lucky.

What happened, if I may ask?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Very understandable! I'm fresh off a breakup with a somewhat cold NT and I'm relieved! She wouldn't even list herself as in a relationship on Facebook. Whatever .... I'm free!

And what happened to end your relationship, if I may ask?

 

[Mattymatt]

I was clingy and starting to define myself according to my relationship. My professional life is in shambles and I've had trouble in the workplace. Then the diagnosis and she felt she could not be there for me. InI harbor no anger. She was in tears at the breakup. I

My next stage in life is to get out of clinical depression and work with my state's office of vocational rehabilitation to get some career counseling and training.

In short, I've got some maturing to do.

 

[blue_bird]

You're depressing me "I wanna blue". I've been told that being direct helps more so here goes - Put on your big boy pants and stop feeling sorry for yourself. I believe that what a person believes is what is going to be portrayed to others. If you don't believe you are good enough, then you won't be. You say you have prepared yourself for being alone, so then you will be. But it doesn't look like you are "used to it" otherwise you wouldn't have put the sad face at the end.

What changed my way of thinking (and I need to read that book again) was the book titled "The Secret". The book talked about "The Law of Attraction" which if I'm not mistaken is backed up by the law of physics for those people who need science proof and it also brought things out from the Bible for those people needing more religious proof. It really helped me at the time, but it's hard to stay positive when you're brought up on a pessimistic family. All I know is that it worked for me at the time when I put it into action and it could work for you too. I really think there is something behind positive thinking - the mind is very powerful.

PS: Your avatar is very pretty, but it also signifies how "blue" you are "feeling wise" as well as your name does too. I know I have Grumpy Cat for myself, but it's because every time I look at her she makes me smile and laugh. I just love Grumpy Cat!

Sorry, I hope my post wasn't too negative. I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and that I need to believe I'm worthy of being loved. That's been my problem all my life, feeling unworthy of good things. Maybe that's why they never seem to happen. Who knows?

It's just that more and more things over the years have confirmed this belief and it's a tough cycle to break out of. I am trying with the aid of my therapist, but I suppose it will take time.

Haha, that emoticon was supposed to mean "sad but relieved".

Thanks for the pep talk though.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Sorry, I hope my post wasn't too negative. I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, and that I need to believe I'm worthy of being loved. That's been my problem all my life, feeling unworthy of good things. Maybe that's why they never seem to happen. Who knows?

It's just that more and more things over the years have confirmed this belief and it's a tough cycle to break out of. I am trying with the aid of my therapist, but I suppose it will take time.

Haha, that emoticon was supposed to mean "sad but relieved".

Thanks for the pep talk though.

Oops. Sorry about reading that as a sad face. Anyway, keep saying to yourself "I am good enough! Damn it! I am good enough!" It's time to replace that negative with some positive!

 

[icesyckel]

I know I need to change the way I see myself, but if I haven't already I don't think I ever will. Unfortunately there isn't a women who will want to get to know me first, and then accept me as I am. I have to make the first move and for someone of my mental makeup it's just not gonna happen. So I've prepared for being alone. Well, at least I'm used to it.

Set aside AS/ASD for just a moment. Even when NTs first start dating, they don't share everything about themselves all at once. As with almost anything else in life, you will find yourself more successful in dating and relationships if you approach with a plan/strategy. Many if not most AS/ASD have a gift for "outside the box" style thinking.

The simple truth is that we all have to make changes to ourselves to accommodate the presence of other people in our life - be it friends or more than friends. It isn't sacrificing our identity - but compromise simply comes with relationships. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that. In my early life, I had difficulty even talking to girls/women I was interested in. I noticed certain patterns of behavior that I had that were "off-putting" to members of the opposite sex. I changed those patterns. Observe, experiment, and note the results. If positive, then incorporate. If it sounds formulaic, then it is.

Eventually, I learned not to "over share" on the first, second, or even third date. It takes discipline (especially for me since I tend to drone on and on about things I enjoy, like science fiction, that most girls I dated loathe). I would listen until I found a shared/mutual interest, then I would zero in on that and try to build on it. After enough dates, you can share more about yourself. Once another person is invested in you a bit, s/he will tend to be more receptive to and tolerant of your idiosyncrasies. Once you have them hooked, then telling them sensitive things is "letting her in" rather than bludgeoning her with it before she even knows you.

I had physical problems too that made getting dates difficult: (1) bad posture; (2) bad acne; and (3) glasses like coke bottles to name a few. I responded with: (1) upper body and core exercises as recommended by a physical therapist (though posture is still difficult for me); (2) a trip to the dermatologist; and (3) contacts and eventually LASIK. None of those efforts were "comfortable" for me. Bottom line is, most problems can be solved if you are willing to pull out all the stops. People will tell you that surgery to improve your appearance is a "bad" thing, but who cares if it works and gets the results you want?

I don't make the rules, but there are rules/procedures that govern what works vs. what does not. Success or failure depend on learning and applying them. If you aren't willing to make these compromises/sacrifices, then that is fine - it is just a cost-benefit analysis. Is being your "true" self all the time, without compromise, worth being alone? Is avoiding the stigma of aesthetic surgery worth being alone (whether LASIK or a tummy tuck or a rhinoplasty)? There aren't right or wrong answers - just consequences/outcomes.

 

[blue_bird]

^ Thanks, your post makes a lot of sense. The biggest problem I have though is overcoming shyness. Even if I looked like a male model (which I don't) I would still be too afraid to approach anyone. So I'm kinda hoping someone makes the effort to get to know me, but that seems unlikely. I really don't know whether a better body image will help me overcome my shyness. I do want to be positive and feel worthy of affection and whether it's just this feeling of feeling unworthy, that's leading to this extreme shyness, I just don't know.

 

[icesyckel]

^ Thanks, your post makes a lot of sense. The biggest problem I have though is overcoming shyness. Even if I looked like a male model (which I don't) I would still be too afraid to approach anyone. So I'm kinda hoping someone makes the effort to get to know me, but that seems unlikely. I really don't know whether a better body image will help me overcome my shyness. I do want to be positive and feel worthy of affection and whether it's just this feeling of feeling unworthy, that's leading to this extreme shyness, I just don't know.

A better body image would likely help with shyness to some degree, so pursuing that is a wise step. However, I doubt it will resolve the issue completely. Almost Everyone is nervous initially in such scenarios. Overcoming it comes with discipline and experience. I have been rejected thousands of times and got a date/number with maybe 1/10 attempts. Rejection ultimately doesnt matter. All you need is a few successes, which just requires being willing to keep at it. Like anything else that doesnt come naturally, you have to practice. If you dont strike out, then you never get a home run either.

But, being male, the odds are against her coming to you. In the US at least, women tend to expect men to initiate. Silly social convention really. But it is what it is. We can wish in one hand and crap in the other - guess which gets filled first? You have to pursue what you want. Life rarely just gives it to people wired like us. Thing is - you can totally do it. Plan, execute, observe results, revise plan, try again. Repeat until you receive the desired results. The trick is being willing to do whatever it takes to make yourself marketable. Even NTs go through that. Trust me, everybody puts their best foot fwd to start. Focus on having fun and getting to know each other over time. You dont really have to change so much as market and package yourself better. If you can, then find a buddy who is good atnthis stuff and ask for help. I had peeps who helped me, sometimes brutally.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

All you need is a few successes, If you dont strike out, then you never get a home run either.
But, being male, the odds are against her coming to you. In the US at least, women tend to expect men to initiate. Silly social convention really. But it is what it is. We can wish in one hand and crap in the other - guess which gets filled first? You have to pursue what you want. Life rarely just gives it to people wired like us. Thing is - you can totally do it. Plan, execute, observe results, revise plan, try again. Repeat until you receive the desired results. The trick is being willing to do whatever it takes to make yourself marketable. .

But, being male, the odds are against her coming to you.

That is so untrue. I've asked a couple guys out - problem with that was the guys thought that meant I was "easy". They never got past the first date.

All you need is a few successes, If you dont strike out, then you never get a home run either.

I like that philosophy!

We can wish in one hand and crap in the other - guess which gets filled first?

OMG! I love that! (Being IBS queen at the moment)

Plan, execute, observe results, revise plan, try again. Repeat until you receive the desired results.

What a great recipe!

Oh! I just remembered. I did ask someone out by email and he never answered. (Of course he was my algebra professor and later I found a Facebook picture of him with another guy - guess you can't win them all! )

 

[Mattymatt]

But, being male, the odds are against her coming to you.

That is so untrue. I've asked a couple guys out - problem with that was the guys thought that meant I was "easy". They never got past the first date.

All you need is a few successes, If you dont strike out, then you never get a home run either.

I like that philosophy!

We can wish in one hand and crap in the other - guess which gets filled first?

OMG! I love that! (Being IBS queen at the moment)

Plan, execute, observe results, revise plan, try again. Repeat until you receive the desired results.

What a great recipe!

Oh! I just remembered. I did ask someone out by email and he never answered. (Of course he was my algebra professor and later I found a Facebook picture of him with another guy - guess you can't win them all! )

Dating is a numbers game! I'd say 3/10 is about my average. My problem is third and last dates lol. I've learned not to see it as rejection. To help with this, I put myself in the other person's shoes. Just like me, they are looking for someone that can meet their needs. And, just like me, if that person cannot meet my needs, I'm not as interested. I think dating is necessarily a selfish activity. Let's face it, initially we aren't dating to benefit others. Once dating becomes relationship, then it's (hopefully) no longer selfish.

Of the few women that have approached me, occasionally I've made the choice not to respond because I wasn't interested, not because they are unworthy. I did run into two crazies but I'll save that story for another day.