Why I'll always be single

[zurb]

^ Thanks, your post makes a lot of sense. The biggest problem I have though is overcoming shyness. Even if I looked like a male model (which I don't) I would still be too afraid to approach anyone. So I'm kinda hoping someone makes the effort to get to know me, but that seems unlikely. I really don't know whether a better body image will help me overcome my shyness. I do want to be positive and feel worthy of affection and whether it's just this feeling of feeling unworthy, that's leading to this extreme shyness, I just don't know.

I can relate to the extreme shyness. I never did date as such. I worked on a project with a girl. Neither of us were interested in each other, but now somehow we're approaching our 20th wedding anniversary.
Maybe if you have a Lions/Rotary/other volunteer service organization, you could try offering a hand. Doing a job to help others helps the self esteem, and gives an opportunity to develop a relationship with other volunteers in a non-dating context (so probably less anxiety). If you're busy digging a hole or pruning roses, you don't have to converse, but can if you so please. Just my 2¢

 

[icesyckel]

But, being male, the odds are against her coming to you.

That is so untrue. I've asked a couple guys out - problem with that was the guys thought that meant I was "easy". They never got past the first date.

I certainly didn't mean to imply that this never happens, or that women never ask men out. You have clearly done it, and I have been asked out on several occasions (before I got married, of course). However, as a guy, it was much much more common in my experience that even the girls who liked me expected me to ask her out for the first date. There are exceptions to every rule, of course, but I never advise anyone to wait for an exception to the rule to happen in life (glad you liked my advice about wishes).

As many have pointed out, dating is "a numbers game." We are all playing against the odds already looking for someone we synch up with. Waiting for someone else to come to you, whether you be male or female, is taking a 1 in 10 chance and turning it into 1 in 100 (I didn't do actual statistical studies, but you get the point). My philosophy is that you have to make things happen in life - sitting around waiting is the polar opposite of a plan for your future.

Also, a "1 in 10" or even "1 in 100" scenario requires at least approaching 10 people or 100 people respectively. So many on the spectrum already find socializing a challenge and can be inclined to avoid it. Success in dating is very much a numbers game, and the odds off success increase with exposure to others. The more people you meet, the greater the chance of meeting someone who will be interested in you. If you interact with 0 people, then your chances of success in dating = 0%. That much is a mathematical certainty.

 

[bentHnau]

That's interesting that you would want to be alone. The more I learn about Aspergers I can only say that an Aspie is the total opposite of an NT in most ways. A theory I have about making communication better between Aspie's and NT's would be if you are in a situation and don't know what to do or how to act, do the OPPOSITE of what you would want. If I was with an Aspie who was grieving, I would want to comfort them - which I guess would be wrong?

Don't take my answers too seriously, as I haven't even been evaluated for AS yet. I can't imagine wanting to be comforted while feeling any negative emotion, but, on the other hand, it's difficult for me to imagine grieving. I feel nothing when unknown or barely-known relatives die; I felt nothing when my father (who was a horrible person) died; I didn't feel much of anything when my estranged sister died, and I remember consciously thinking that I didn't know how to feel at age 6 when my two-year-old sister died (and I didn't feel much beyond surprise). I don't think that I have enough experience with grieving as it is generally understood to say much about it.

Maybe if I ever become really close to someone, and she dies, then I will experience something that is more like typical grief. Then again, I think that I have a very tranquilizing perspective on life and the life cycle, so perhaps not.

 

[Effy]

I don't think so. There's a straight guy interested in me, and I'm all four of those.~

Well... I don't think looks has much to do with it. >.>

 

[Randomperson]

"You people just don't get it. You're obviously not ugly and a 30+ virgin. When you're that desperate, you take anything you can get but it just doesn't happen. There are people who never ever get looked at. They can walk into a room and people just look straight through them. Why do you think they're still virgins at 30+ and want to die? Because they're picky? Lol."

This I must say I find PROFOUNDLY insulting. The one place I would expect people to find quirky OCD standards being upheld without judgement would be a place like this. I am 35 and have never had a relationship or friendship, I am not ugly, my features are symmetrical and proportionate, even if I am not beautiful neither can I be ugly. The entire reason I have made it to 35 alone is the inexplicable voice in the pit of my mind that screams at me every day that I must keep moving forward. What is so spite worthy of being a virgin and not wanting to die? I am a moral person of black and white morality, I simply will not bend on my very simple standards. No smoking, no alcoholism, no tatoos, no stds, no kids. And if at all possible it would be nice if she was symmetrical and proportionate as well, since this is what generally constitutes physical attractiveness.

 

[King_Oni]

I am a moral person of black and white morality, I simply will not bend on my very simple standards. No smoking, no alcoholism, no tatoos, no stds, no kids. And if at all possible it would be nice if she was symmetrical and proportionate as well, since this is what generally constitutes physical attractiveness.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being picky. However, if you get older and remain single because you are picky (and not because you have little to no interest to date for periods in your life) it does say something. It says that you are most likely holding a high standard. I can totally understand your standards, yet the more demands one puts in a potential partner, the smaller the window gets.

I'm in my early 30's now and if I just look around (despite being in a relationship) it would seem almost impossible to find someone without kids already, let along someone who doesn't smoke or has no tattoos... especially since they're pretty commonplace and accepted things in society. Alcoholism (just as a few other addictions like drugs and such) and STD's seem to be a totally different matter altogether. They often don't even get disclosed on first dates and such and tend to be a taboo in general..

As for being proportionate and such and what "generally constitutes physical attractiveness"; I would rather date someone whom I find attractive than someone who belongs to some kind of "golden ratio" standard that's universally accepted as attractive. In short; judge someone based on what you like, not on what's a generally accepted image. It's fine if you have a preference to that but it sounds like you're looking for that quality because that's a specimen of physical "perfection". But perhaps it's just how you worded it.

Perhaps, and this isn't directed at you specifically, but a general notion about people who "complain" how they'll be single forever is that some peoples standards are unrealistic. Fine if you have standards (and everyone should IMO) but then accept the fact that this might leave you single because you're pretty much looking for the impossible.

 

[Randomperson]

I don't think there's anything wrong with being picky. However, if you get older and remain single because you are picky (and not because you have little to no interest to date for periods in your life) it does say something. It says that you are most likely holding a high standard. I can totally understand your standards, yet the more demands one puts in a potential partner, the smaller the window gets.

I'm in my early 30's now and if I just look around (despite being in a relationship) it would seem almost impossible to find someone without kids already, let along someone who doesn't smoke or has no tattoos... especially since they're pretty commonplace and accepted things in society. Alcoholism (just as a few other addictions like drugs and such) and STD's seem to be a totally different matter altogether. They often don't even get disclosed on first dates and such and tend to be a taboo in general..

As for being proportionate and such and what "generally constitutes physical attractiveness"; I would rather date someone whom I find attractive than someone who belongs to some kind of "golden ratio" standard that's universally accepted as attractive. In short; judge someone based on what you like, not on what's a generally accepted image. It's fine if you have a preference to that but it sounds like you're looking for that quality because that's a specimen of physical "perfection". But perhaps it's just how you worded it.

Perhaps, and this isn't directed at you specifically, but a general notion about people who "complain" how they'll be single forever is that some peoples standards are unrealistic. Fine if you have standards (and everyone should IMO) but then accept the fact that this might leave you single because you're pretty much looking for the impossible.

No I did not mean it to sound as if I was looking for some barbie doll type person, only that beauty is subjective, and usually based on symmetry and proportion. Anyone can be beautiful in their own way, whether thats cheesy or not. Part of my own problem with accepting people as they are is my OCD, to put it simply, the majority of people make my skin crawl. 7 billion human animals roam the earth and they are filthy with germs that spread between with what society considers "normal" and "acceptable" activity. Whether or not I would voluntarily bend on my list of prohibitions is not really up for debate, it takes all I can muster to go out into the world on a daily basis and not pull a Howard Hughes and lock myself in a clean room.