Why I'll always be single

[Ereth]

Let's not make this personal, okay? It tends to be difficult to understand someone's perspective after reading only a single post. Let's all try to remember that.

Anyway, I can personally vouch for what Gomendosi has said about being open to unexpected people. My current, and so far only, mutual romantic involvement has been with someone I met online. It's quite possible that meeting in cyberspace did us a favor. We're both reserved when we encounter new people, and I think online chatting lessened our fears a bit more than speaking in person would have.

At first this person was just my friend, but then something changed. I can't exactly put it into words, but at some point I realized my feelings about him were different than before. And he told me he discovered the same thing about me.

 

[Christy]

I think you're missing my point. The OP asked for help, and people are responding. So the message you're sending the OP is that they should give up because if they think they are ugly now, then don't bother trying?? He's 19, a lot may change over the next few years, not just with his looks, but how he sees himself and how he interacts with people (as he is still maturing).

 

[Andrew206]

Negativity will get you nowhere. Positive thoughts will yield positive results.

 

[Misfate]

I feel this way may self. Many of todays relationships are frail as it is, even with many people being more attractive, intelligent, and charismatic than I. I feel disinterested in relationships unless they may be durable; sturdy; long-lasting.

 

[Ereth]

Relationships are only durable if both parties put in effort. So if you're disinterested because you fear a relationship won't last, then you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Anon88]

I've often felt as thought I'll always be single. My last relationship of 3.5 years ended last year. For the past year, my ex bf and I have been trying to work things out but 2 nights ago we had our final fight. When I look back on things I was waaaayyy too emotional about a lot of things.

Due to me being an aspie, this has always been the root of my relationship problems. I was emotionless about the things I suspect he wanted me to care about. All I knew is that if he was hurting I felt bad but i didn't really know how to comfort him or what he wanted from me.

I remember 2 separate occasions where his family members nearly died and as messed up as it's sounds I could've cared less. I just felt bad that he was upset. I've never even had too much emotion with my own family members deaths. Death just escapes me. It doesn't make me cry or feel anything. The person is just gone to me. Other issues were social occasions. Naturally, he wanted me to meet his family and show up at their family functions. But I hate social gatherings. They terrify me. But I really couldn't explain this with great detail to him like I can with all of you. Because NT's just chalk it up to bad nerves and act like everything will be ok if they just hold ur hand through the experience. So I would always refuse to go to nearly every family gathering except for 2 and I remember being so worried and sweaty at those. I felt like I was suffocating.

Anyway, we argued a lot. Almost every argument was about how he wouldn't help me clean the apartment for 2 years because hanging out with his friends was more important than taking out the trash or washing the dishes he left sitting there for over a week. Other arguments were about him quitting everything be started like school, hobbies, or how I would never attend his family gatherings.

Overall, we both contributed to the downfall of our relationship but if I was the kind of person who actually knew how to deal with emotions and social situations things might've gone differently. We both wanted each other to care in a way the other one just couldn't. Out of everyone I've ever known he came the closest to understanding me without actually having a clue as to what's wrong with me but in the end he saw me as this crazy, screaming monster nagging him about chores and what not. Alone in the world again I guess. Except for u guys of course. Lol

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I've often felt as thought I'll always be single. My last relationship of 3.5 years ended last year. For the past year, my ex bf and I have been trying to work things out but 2 nights ago we had our final fight. When I look back on things I was waaaayyy too emotional about a lot of things.

Due to me being an aspie, this has always been the root of my relationship problems. I was emotionless about the things I suspect he wanted me to care about. All I knew is that if he was hurting I felt bad but i didn't really know how to comfort him or what he wanted from me.

I remember 2 separate occasions where his family members nearly died and as messed up as it's sounds I could've cared less. I just felt bad that he was upset. I've never even had too much emotion with my own family members deaths. Death just escapes me. It doesn't make me cry or feel anything. The person is just gone to me. Other issues were social occasions. Naturally, he wanted me to meet his family and show up at their family functions. But I hate social gatherings. They terrify me. But I really couldn't explain this with great detail to him like I can with all of you. Because NT's just chalk it up to bad nerves and act like everything will be ok if they just hold ur hand through the experience. So I would always refuse to go to nearly every family gathering except for 2 and I remember being so worried and sweaty at those. I felt like I was suffocating.

Anyway, we argued a lot. Almost every argument was about how he wouldn't help me clean the apartment for 2 years because hanging out with his friends was more important than taking out the trash or washing the dishes he left sitting there for over a week. Other arguments were about him quitting everything be started like school, hobbies, or how I would never attend his family gatherings.

Overall, we both contributed to the downfall of our relationship but if I was the kind of person who actually knew how to deal with emotions and social situations things might've gone differently. We both wanted each other to care in a way the other one just couldn't. Out of everyone I've ever known he came the closest to understanding me without actually having a clue as to what's wrong with me but in the end he saw me as this crazy, screaming monster nagging him about chores and what not. Alone in the world again I guess. Except for u guys of course. Lol

Did he know you are an Aspie?

 

[bentHnau]

I remember 2 separate occasions where his family members nearly died and as messed up as it's sounds I could've cared less.

That doesn't sound messed up to me.

Other issues were social occasions. Naturally, he wanted me to meet his family and show up at their family functions. But I hate social gatherings.

I had a little bit of that too. It's terrible! I don't understand how/why people expect me to care about their families just because I know them. It's like, anything social, even with strangers, even at functions I don't like, is supposed to be important and interesting and enjoyable. They're upset if you don't go and they're upset if you can't fake interest and comfort. There's no way to win.

 

[Anon88]

Did he know you are an Aspie?

No, it's always been hard for me to open up to ppl. And I find that whenever I have or come close to opening up to someone, the reaction isn't very positive. I mean it's not bad but I get that "oh ok, so ur a bit of a weirdo" look then just for thinking differently than they do. So I tend to keep to myself. Just getting to the point where I feel like I can trust someone enough to tell them anything about myself feels like an accomplishment to me until the NT's completely shatter it. My ex bf came the closest to trying to understand what's wrong with me. It's almost like he knew I have issues without actually knowing the real deal. Unfortunately he got sick of me. His mom was emotionally abusive to him as a child so I guess he's messed up in his own way as well. Seems like he has issues with women. He used to have this look of fear in his eyes when talking to me like I was going to beat him and make him sit in the corner. Lol

 

[Anon88]

That doesn't sound messed up to me.

I had a little bit of that too. It's terrible! I don't understand how/why people expect me to care about their families just because I know them. It's like, anything social, even with strangers, even at functions I don't like, is supposed to be important and interesting and enjoyable. They're upset if you don't go and they're upset if you can't fake interest and comfort. There's no way to win.

Yeah I know what you mean. One of the times I was able to build up enough courage to attend a holiday dinner with his family (just because I knew things were gonna take a turn for the worst if I kept dodging every social occasion) he was all excited that I was finally going to show up for something but later when it was apparent that I just wasn't having a good time he had this look of disappointment. I tried so hard to put on a fake smile but my body language and the way I kept to myself, only speaking here and there to the family, spoke volumes. Later, he said how happy he was that I showed up even though I didn't really have a good time and that he appreciated it. And I know he was genuine when he said it. But after that it was like this "ok I'll give u a break now, but I hope u can attend more functions later" type of thing. It's just annoying that ppl expect us to attend these things just to make them happy even whey outright KNOW and have admitted that it makes you miserable. Like you said THERE'S NO WAY TO WIN.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

That doesn't sound messed up to me.

I had a little bit of that too. It's terrible! I don't understand how/why people expect me to care about their families just because I know them. It's like, anything social, even with strangers, even at functions I don't like, is supposed to be important and interesting and enjoyable. They're upset if you don't go and they're upset if you can't fake interest and comfort. There's no way to win.

How do I explain this....I'm an NT, of course, and my Ma is extremely important to me so when she is gone my whole life will be changed and full of grief. If I was married or dating someone seriously at the time or even my closest friends I hope would be supportive of me even if they didn't know my Mama. That's where empathy comes in. I don't want to be around someone who can't be understanding of what I'm going through because its going to be hard enough going through the grief without having to explain why I feel the way I do. And I don't want to do it alone. That's why you have a significant other or friends - to help you through the hard times and understand how you're feeling.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

No, it's always been hard for me to open up to ppl. And I find that whenever I have or come close to opening up to someone, the reaction isn't very positive. I mean it's not bad but I get that "oh ok, so ur a bit of a weirdo" look then just for thinking differently than they do. So I tend to keep to myself. Just getting to the point where I feel like I can trust someone enough to tell them anything about myself feels like an accomplishment to me until the NT's completely shatter it. My ex bf came the closest to trying to understand what's wrong with me. It's almost like he knew I have issues without actually knowing the real deal. Unfortunately he got sick of me. His mom was emotionally abusive to him as a child so I guess he's messed up in his own way as well. Seems like he has issues with women. He used to have this look of fear in his eyes when talking to me like I was going to beat him and make him sit in the corner. Lol

If you are thinking at all of rekindling the relationship with him, it may help if he knows you're an Aspie. (It would for me, anyway.)

 

[Anon88]

If you are thinking at all of rekindling the relationship with him, it may help if he knows you're an Aspie. (It would for me, anyway.)

Yeah the thought has crossed my mind. But at the same time I feel like he just won't care. The funny thing is that earlier today I was looking back at how I used to feel like he didn't care about my feelings sometimes and we have a conversation or argue about it. And he'd say that he did care but just didn't know how to express himself or put anything into words. He was completely obvious to human emotion sometimes but I could tell he really cared to the point where it would overwhelm him when brought to the surface. Makes me wonder if he might be an aspie too. Lol. His traits are more obvious than mine but only because I've had years of being aware of it and finding ways to cope or fit in. But yeah, I think I should give it some time and if I feel like the time is right I'll tell him. Doubt it'll make a difference though. But I tend to discourage myself immediately so that I'm not disappointed later.

 

[bentHnau]

How do I explain this....I'm an NT, of course, and my Ma is extremely important to me so when she is gone my whole life will be changed and full of grief. If I was married or dating someone seriously at the time or even my closest friends I hope would be supportive of me even if they didn't know my Mama. That's where empathy comes in.

I would care and understand the feelings of someone about their family. What I have trouble with is being expected to care about the family myself (moreso than I care about other strangers), or to spend time with them.

I don't want to be around someone who can't be understanding of what I'm going through because its going to be hard enough going through the grief without having to explain why I feel the way I do.

...if you have to explain. I would never expect (or even want) someone in that situation to explain their feelings, even if I didn't understand them.

And I don't want to do it alone. That's why you have a significant other or friends - to help you through the hard times and understand how you're feeling.

It's kind of a coincidence that you posted this because I've recently been thinking about what went wrong with my past relationship, and how I prefer to be left alone with my difficult emotions, and don't need other people for that purpose.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It's kind of a coincidence that you posted this because I've recently been thinking about what went wrong with my past relationship, and how I prefer to be left alone with my difficult emotions, and don't need other people for that purpose.

That's interesting that you would want to be alone. The more I learn about Aspergers I can only say that an Aspie is the total opposite of an NT in most ways. A theory I have about making communication better between Aspie's and NT's would be if you are in a situation and don't know what to do or how to act, do the OPPOSITE of what you would want. If I was with an Aspie who was grieving, I would want to comfort them - which I guess would be wrong?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Yeah the thought has crossed my mind. But at the same time I feel like he just won't care. The funny thing is that earlier today I was looking back at how I used to feel like he didn't care about my feelings sometimes and we have a conversation or argue about it. And he'd say that he did care but just didn't know how to express himself or put anything into words. He was completely obvious to human emotion sometimes but I could tell he really cared to the point where it would overwhelm him when brought to the surface. Makes me wonder if he might be an aspie too. Lol. His traits are more obvious than mine but only because I've had years of being aware of it and finding ways to cope or fit in. But yeah, I think I should give it some time and if I feel like the time is right I'll tell him. Doubt it'll make a difference though. But I tend to discourage myself immediately so that I'm not disappointed later.

I was just thinking the same thing!!!! Maybe he's an Aspie! The not knowing how to express his emotions in words and "appearing" that he didn't care about your feelings (when he probably did). And being oblivious to emotions. If you decide to tell him and he doesn't want to try to understand and see if things can be made better, then he's not worth your time. Find someone who wants to take time to understand you.

 

[Ereth]

Find someone who wants to take time to understand you.

This is good advice for anybody, regardless of neurological status.

 

[Loomis]

I'm just wondering if anyone can telate to or help me with this stuff. Aparently I have a myriad of flaws that keep me from being "datable" or even "likable" by a majoraty of females (including some from here). Here's a list:
1. I'm not good looking
2. I'm too pushy
3. I'm not a good conversationalist
4. I'm too forward/open

Those are top four issues.

I read somewhere that one of the qualities that make a person datable is good grooming. Anyone can make the effort to do that. Secondly it is not hard to dress well and it does not need to cost a lot of money. The most important factor in dressing well is to buy clothes that fit nicely and are not out of style. I own seven black synthetic short sleave shirts and six pairs of nice quality name brand jeans. I bought them all at an outlet mall at greatly reduced prices from retail. Add respectable shoes, matching socks and belts and you are ready to go. If you have no clue what looks good on you ask someone (family member or friend to help you pick them out.) Females seem, in general, to have a better eye for these things. If you are overweight get in shape.

As for items 2,3 and 4. Learn good manners and be polite.

 

[Anon88]

I was just thinking the same thing!!!! Maybe he's an Aspie! The not knowing how to express his emotions in words and "appearing" that he didn't care about your feelings (when he probably did). And being oblivious to emotions. If you decide to tell him and he doesn't want to try to understand and see if things can be made better, then he's not worth your time. Find someone who wants to take time to understand you.

I agree. Thanks for the support. It really helps. It feels good to finally feel like other ppl understand instead of those weird looks I'm used to getting.

 

[Judge]

Why I'll always be single? Mostly because I found out about my autism too late!