Words Do Matter

[Matthias]

Posts 20 22 and 25 in the thread, 'Let's say you think you have a cure for... ANYTHING' say otherwise. Plus as someone with no qualifications or experience that are related to therapy or CBT or autism, your ideas and opinions on this area need to be owned as a little bit of personal experience. Did you have CBT therapy maybe?

The issue is that the scientific consensus (which refers to the opinions of scientists and not science itself) contradicts my own experience with autism. The scientific community has been wrong many times in the past so it's not unreasonable or anti-science to believe they're wrong today. If 1 million studies reached a conclusion that contradicts my experience (which I think is extremely unlikely) I wouldn't accept it because I know I'm not imagining what I experienced. Since most studies only find correlations that don't actually prove anything, I wouldn't be rejecting science if I didn't agree with their conclusions.

 

[velociraptor]

The issue is that the scientific consensus (which refers to the opinions of scientists and not science itself) contradicts my own experience with autism.

I think it is also worth considering that some of us may be outliers, which is why we don't fit nicely into the spots we're expected to. In that case the science could be right, but we also could be right.

 

[Aspychata]

Woman are just naturally seen as being the weakest, though sadly transgender people suffer from more brutal attacks.

Psychological abuse does cause PTSD. This can include physical and verbal abuse, and gaslighting. Am l a sheep, a wolf or a sheep dog or am l just a faceless, voiceless mutant at this time? I try to reconcile all my PTSD but l find the fight has left me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I've learned to do the teasing thing with my male NT friends. I just had to rewire my thinking so that I understand a photographer friend calling me a [censored] when I show him a photo I've taken actually means he loves the photo and thinks the only thing wrong with it is that it's in my portfolio rather than his. It also helps that I have learned to ready body language / microexpressions and know that I'm being shown affection while being called the horrible thing.

What I received was not good natured ribbing. The slams I had gotten for expressing interest in a girl who was then denigrated in front of me was like saying that I should not have any desire for a relationship or normal feelings towards girls and women. I think that my paying attention to intelligence, values, and interests, more than obvious attractiveness did not make sense to those guys. I really started numbing my feelings.

I wonder if @Markness has been made to feel that way? I have been trying, without luck to get him to adjust his attitide, enjoy his interests at the level of skill he is at, watch his health, engage in activities, and create a life of his own. I do so want to see him contented.

 

[velociraptor]

I wonder if @Markness has been made to feel that way?

I have been made to feel this way many times in the past. I was also very badly abused as a child. Do I know what it's like to have PTSD? Yes. I did therapy to get past it as I did not want to continue giving those individuals power over me each day. In terms of having baggage, I think I have gone from about eight suitcases and duffle bags to a carry on. I feel so much better as I'm able to live in and enjoy today, not obssess over trauma from decades back.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have been made to feel this way many times in the past. I was also very badly abused as a child. Do I know what it's like to have PTSD? Yes. I did therapy to get past it as I did not want to continue giving those individuals power over me each day. In terms of having baggage, I think I have gone from about eight suitcases and duffle bags to a carry on. I feel so much better as I'm able to live in and enjoy today, not obssess over trauma from decades back.

I am glad to hear that success from you. With the CPT that I did a lot of work to use, I have gone from an angry bitterness to a sadness towards that person I was. It was like I was 16 again when things were triggering me. Now I want to forgive that younger me for not knowing better.

(added, success)

 

[Knower of nothing]

The issue is that the scientific consensus (which refers to the opinions of scientists and not science itself) contradicts my own experience with autism. The scientific community has been wrong many times in the past so it's not unreasonable or anti-science to believe they're wrong today. If 1 million studies reached a conclusion that contradicts my experience (which I think is extremely unlikely) I wouldn't accept it because I know I'm not imagining what I experienced. Since most studies only find correlations that don't actually prove anything, I wouldn't be rejecting science if I didn't agree with their conclusions.

You can however also misinterpret your own experience. If you're careful enough to take science with a grain of salt, you should take several for the narrative of your self-understanding.

 

[Markness]

What I received was not good natured ribbing. The slams I had gotten for expressing interest in a girl who was then denigrated in front of me was like saying that I should not have any desire for a relationship or normal feelings towards girls and women. I think that my paying attention to intelligence, values, and interests, more than obvious attractiveness did not make sense to those guys. I really started numbing my feelings.

I wonder if @Markness has been made to feel that way? I have been trying, without luck to get him to adjust his attitide, enjoy his interests at the level of skill he is at, watch his health, engage in activities, and create a life of his own. I do so want to see him contented.

I was told “You don’t need a girlfriend! You need to focus on your grades!” in angry tones by both of my parents.

Guys at school would tell me “You’re never getting laid!” and that I was actually gay. They also didn’t want to talk about anything that wasn’t trucks or sports cars, guns, barbecue, country or rap music, American football, and redneck movies.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was told “You don’t need a girlfriend! You need to focus on your grades!” in angry tones by both of my parents.

Guys at school would tell me “You’re never getting laid!” and that I was actually gay. They also didn’t want to talk about anything that wasn’t trucks or sports cars, guns, barbecue, country or rap music, American football, and redneck movies.

Now, you have good reason to start liking yourself. Embrace your differences and be proud of your interests. Your confidence has taken a big hit and it will take work to build again. In a way I am glad that you have resisted the standard male indoctrination about what it means to be male. I find the mindset you describe as very limited and boring. (While I do like sports cars, I rather enjoy my competance in being able to drive them.)

You understand what you don't like in your milieau, and now your task is to identify those women who also feel that way. They are usually the shier ones who may not fit into the dominant paradigm either. I had read: "Not being approached by anyone who's their type is a particular problem for shy women who are into guys who are more quirky, sensitive, or intellectual, since those types of men tend not to be very forward themselves."

Your task now is to understand where you may meet such people. Around me they are more likely to engage in outdoor activities or be into the arts. And, for gawds sake do two things;
- your insecure thoughts just come out, unbidden. Stop that!
- work on yourself to bring value to the relationship you desire.

I hope to see that you will realize your value. Meanwhile, take care of yourself. Eat right and cook yourself some good meals. Lose weight: that will reduce your need for a CPAP. I've been able to eliminate mine. Get out and walk, hike, or bicycle. On the bike trails I get a lot of smiles from women (and children) when they see me on my tadpole trike, especially wearing my Indian riding an Indian motorcycle T-shirt, by Lakota artist, Jim Yellowhawk.

I want to see you living a good life.

 

[Owliet]

I was told “You don’t need a girlfriend! You need to focus on your grades!” in angry tones by both of my parents.

Guys at school would tell me “You’re never getting laid!” and that I was actually gay. They also didn’t want to talk about anything that wasn’t trucks or sports cars, guns, barbecue, country or rap music, American football, and redneck movies.

In some ways parents do the whole “focus on your studies“ as you’re growing up to prevent you from being too hung up over being in a relationship and seeing grades suffer.

Ah Yes the “never get laid” also happens for girls too. It’s more important since the idea of your very existence and worth is looking pretty, and having a boyfriend. /sarcasm. And the “omg you must be gay“, is seen as such an offense if you don’t meet the normal expectations. I always felt that those who said “omg are you gay?” Or any further homophobic comments were sometimes self projecting. I mean, it’s not like in this case they were entirely wrong but I don’t get why people seem to be so bothered about what others do in their lives to resort to insults like that.

best things I’ve ever had said to me was that I was going to die alone ((shows what they know, I’ll die surrounded by my army of cats) )

ive also had someone (My dad’s brother’s wife) say that I’d never amount to much Because I was afflicted.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

In some ways parents do the whole “focus on your studies“ as you’re growing up to prevent you from being too hung up over being in a relationship and seeing grades suffer.

Ah Yes the “never get laid” also happens for girls too. It’s more important since the idea of your very existence and worth is looking pretty, and having a boyfriend. /sarcasm. And the “omg you must be gay“, is seen as such an offense if you don’t meet the normal expectations. I always felt that those who said “omg are you gay?” Or any further homophobic comments were sometimes self projecting. I mean, it’s not like in this case they were entirely wrong but I don’t get why people seem to be so bothered about what others do in their lives to resort to insults like that.

best things I’ve ever had said to me was that I was going to die alone ((shows what they know, I’ll die surrounded by my army of cats) )

ive also had someone (My dad’s brother’s wife) say that I’d never amount to much Because I was afflicted.

My best revenge has been to transcend the limitations that people tried to define for me, whether it was social or my physical capabilities.

I was bullied a little, but after a while those kids found that it was not a winning proposition. Instead the cruelties were more sophisticated: aimed at my social dysfunction, lack of relationships and sexual inexperience. They taught me to hate myself. Now, though, I have managed to carve out a vibrant life beyond that experienced by some of those cruel people.

 

[Markness]

In some ways parents do the whole “focus on your studies“ as you’re growing up to prevent you from being too hung up over being in a relationship and seeing grades suffer.

Ah Yes the “never get laid” also happens for girls too. It’s more important since the idea of your very existence and worth is looking pretty, and having a boyfriend. /sarcasm. And the “omg you must be gay“, is seen as such an offense if you don’t meet the normal expectations. I always felt that those who said “omg are you gay?” Or any further homophobic comments were sometimes self projecting. I mean, it’s not like in this case they were entirely wrong but I don’t get why people seem to be so bothered about what others do in their lives to resort to insults like that.

best things I’ve ever had said to me was that I was going to die alone ((shows what they know, I’ll die surrounded by my army of cats) )

ive also had someone (My dad’s brother’s wife) say that I’d never amount to much Because I was afflicted.

It was a combination of that as well as fearing about how we appeared in public to others. My parents have cared more for status than self-care, at least mentally. My mother also didn’t want any of her children to become parents themselves and even offered to get us all vasectomies. She especially pushed that on me, even when I couldn’t even get a coffee date and I told her to stop.

Wow, that was mean of those people to say those things to you. Are you sure you don’t live in the Bible Belt?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It was a combination of that as well as fearing about how we appeared in public to others. My parents have cared more for status than self-care, at least mentally. My mother also didn’t want any of her children to become parents themselves and even offered to get us all vasectomies. She especially pushed that on me, even when I couldn’t even get a coffee date and I told her to stop.

Wow, that was mean of those people to say those things to you. Are you sure you don’t live in the Bible Belt?

Markness. You are an adult now and you do not need to give a damn about what your parents say or have said.

I see you as a person having an accusatory voice inside your mind tormenting you with a pervasive sense of inadequacy. I see you as continuing on the path you have set for yourself until you finally change. People here have supported you to enact that change yet you would rather post "woe is me" than to take often good advice.

 

[velociraptor]

Markness. You are an adult now and you do not need to give a damn about what your parents say or have said.

My life took a turn for the better when I realized that it was up to me to move past the debris from my past. There is no magic pill to make it go away and no one else will (or even CAN) do that work for me. I bought therapy books, got therapy when I could, and dumped as much as I could over time. I also set goals about how I would become a more positive person and how I would behave going forward (I put an end to my non-stop complaining). It's good to have a measure of serenity these days because of all this.

The drastic changes we want almost always start with us taking the first step.

 

[tree]

@Markness
My mother also didn’t want any of her children to become parents themselves
and even offered to get us all vasectomies.

This is news to me.
All this time I thought you had been saying she'd singled you out for that.
But this is her position for all her sons??

 

[Markness]

Markness. You are an adult now and you do not need to give a damn about what your parents say or have said.

I see you as a person having an accusatory voice inside your mind tormenting you with a pervasive sense of inadequacy. I see you as continuing on the path you have set for yourself until you finally change. People here have supported you to enact that change yet you would rather post "woe is me" than to take often good advice.

You are right that I shouldn’t give a damn.

I honestly want to post about better things. I actually did some guitar practice for the last few days and did better than I thought I would.

@Markness
My mother also didn’t want any of her children to become parents themselves
and even offered to get us all vasectomies.

This is news to me.
All this time I thought you had been saying she'd singled you out for that.
But this is her position for all her sons??

It was her position many years ago now. She bonds with her granddaughters very well these days.

 

[Jordy]

Humans in the past especially thought that words mattered, stoic philosophers in particular considered bad grammar to be a sin. They figured that language being the main method of describing and coming to understand the rationable order of the universe was something never to be misused or sabotaged.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You are right that I shouldn’t give a damn.

I honestly want to post about better things. I actually did some guitar practice for the last few days and did better than I thought I would.

Very good! From now on the only person responsible for your feelings is yourself. That is not easy to face at times, but is necessary for your growth.

 

[Owliet]

Wow, that was mean of those people to say those things to you. Are you sure you don’t live in the Bible Belt?

I don’t live in that particular canton (which is very secular in beliefs, like giving the right to vote for women, they tried to fight it). My aunt is just a special breed and I havent physically seen in years now.

 

[tree]

It was her position many years ago now. She bonds with her granddaughters very well these days.

So reality didn't live up to her fears, apparently.