Would I be better or more miserable if I admit I will accept I will never have a girlfriend?

[Rodafina]

I am actually quite lucky when it comes to my ability to socialize, complete high school and do things outside.

I think its good to keep things in perspective and recognize the skills that each of us have.
I also feel lucky when I consider certain things I can do.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yes, yes, yes.
But no, she can't date or anything like that.

I see, for many years and I am still sort of under the impression but not as much as I used to and that is being born a woman basically guarantees you have a chance at dating and relationships or human mating

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I'm not going out for a few days because I am sick but I hope to feel better by Thursday night to go out but I bet you if I have an encounter there will be a 1% chance the next new woman I talk to around my age or younger that I have a actual conversation with will be single. Otherwise there is a 99% chance she will have a boyfriend or a husband. So I no longer feel optimistic especially after the past several encounters these months. It's also really hard to keep smiling after this and to not walk away ticked off.

PS: The woman from yoga class that walked with me the previous week partway home with me. That approached me and was kind is married. I saw the wedding band.

 

[MNAus]

Most people like to talk about themselves, and even those that don't would certainly like the indication that the person they are talking to has a degree of interest in them.

To think we were even talking about yoga but it was yet again a complete waste of time.

Do you think it's possible you actually telegraphed that feeling quite strongly? And if so, how do you think that made her feel? And what might happen if in 3 months she just happened to break up with that boyfriend?

Let's turn the tables. Imagine you got talking to a woman, and it turns out she's single! She seems great fun, you're enjoying the chat. "How did you get here today?" she asks. You tell her you drove. Her face drops "Oh, I see", she replies. She stops listening really, seems keen to leave, all the interest is gone, she looks utterly bored. You ask someone about this weird turn of events, and it turns out she sells cars for a living. How does that make you feel? Do you feel valued? Would you ever want to buy a car off her when she appeared to be manipulating you?

Most people are in relationships, but few people only have one relationship in their life. So there are plenty of people who will become available. Some will hop into bed with the next person, some will swear off relationships for years. Most will have a period of being sad, but will open up again to the idea of a relationship soon enough. The chances that you just happen to meet them at that precise point are low, but it is possible. The chances of you being introduced by a friend or acquaintance who knows them well are much higher, but only if they want to introduce you.

Are you maximising the chances of being the guy they suggest to their friend? Do you think having the thought that speaking to married people is "a waste of time" in this way will see you mentioned in a positive light? Do you think only listening to people as a means to an end is going to see them keenly encourage their friend to spend time with you?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I spoken to so many taken women now it's second nature and I don't even realize it or care anymore.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Are you maximising the chances of being the guy they suggest to their friend?

No don't get offended but I am tired of hearing this. I was actually going to start a new topic on this very subject. For the million time. They don't know any single people. All of there sisters, cousins, friends all have boyfriends and husbands. All the old people daughters have boyfriends and husbands. How do I know this because they talk about this in conversation. A couple wife sister has a boyfriend. A old woman from yoga daughter has a husband. They know no one so stop bringing it up. I mean it. Really. Stop it.

 

[Mikah]

Absolute pessimism is a tried and true road to lifelong contentment. Always assume the worst will happen and you'll never be disappointed again. Everything better than the worst case scenario can be enjoyed as a pleasant surprise.

 

[Misty Avich]

If you lived in the UK you'd probably come across a lot more single women, as it's quite common for people to be single here. It seems to be the norm for couples to split up and they don't always meet someone else straight away. I know people who have gotten married only to split up less than a year later. I blame the internet, as people are often advised to just leave their partner whenever the slightest problem arises in their relationship. Unless the relationship is false or abusive, most problems can be addressed and worked out together, but most people these days just walk out of the relationship instead, even if they have children. Some couples split up when a loved one dies, and I never understand that, because I thought that you'd want your partner more than ever for support (unless the relationship is abusive but I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about genuine relationships).
I've been through a lot with my husband but we stuck together through it. In the 9 years we have been together we lost both our mums, and he's been fired from his job a few years ago, and the pandemic was stressful, and he's had his moments with getting too drunk, which caused me massive anxiety as I'm not very good at dealing with drunk people and I see it as irresponsible behaviour.
But despite all that, we've never lost any feelings for each other, we have stuck together like couples should, and worked through our problems. Even non-abusive relationships come with problems, especially if one or both of you have baggage, like my husband has (kid problems).

The only thing about being in a relationship is that I can't buy toys. Well, I can, but it would be quite a bad choice, given so we live in a small apartment and don't have much money, so buying toys would just be wasting money and taking up space, and it's his apartment as much as it is mine, so you do sometimes have to compromise. But the internet would probably be like "if you want to buy toys then go for it, if he doesn't like it then he's not a good guy to be with, leave him!" Very, very poor advice and is not a valid enough reason to divorce and leave a man you love. And the internet would be telling him "she left you because she thought toys were more important than you? What a cow, she's not worth your time!"
So that is why there are so many couples split up. Although I'm afraid I can't explain why UK people seem to listen to shoddy, contradicting advice on the internet more than people in the US.

 

[Mary Terry]

No don't get offended but I am tired of hearing this. I was actually going to start a new topic on this very subject. For the million time. They don't know any single people. All of there sisters, cousins, friends all have boyfriends and husbands. All the old people daughters have boyfriends and husbands. How do I know this because they talk about this in conversation. A couple wife sister has a boyfriend. A old woman from yoga daughter has a husband. They know no one so stop bringing it up. I mean it. Really. Stop it.

How in the world can you know that all these people you encounter "don't know any single people"? It would be creepy if you're asking every one of these people if they know any single people. If you're doing that, then you are sending an unavoidable message, loud and clear, that the only reason you are there and talking to them is for you to find a girlfriend, and that you care nothing about the people you are talking to.

No one whom you treat like that is going to introduce you to any single women they know. It's creepy, Tony.

 

[tree]

I spoken to so many taken women now it's second nature and I don't even realize it or care anymore.

And it's likely obvious to the people you're encountering in your day to day life,
obvious that your primary interest is *single women* and nobody else has value
to you.

How attractive is that?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I understand how you feel, but it says you're in New York city, that's a big place. I'm 100% sure there are single women your age there. And many. You have met many people who happened to be in relationships and it made things feel hopeless for you. But I don't think it's hopeless. You should see where I live, it's not New York city. Women my age are either in a relationship or I'm related to them. I think you have a good chance to meet someone, but you have to avoid sinking into that terrible black hole of depression and hopelessness.

If I can't even find single women at a local park social in my neighborhood then really there are not many in New York city.

 

[tree]

https://statisticalatlas.com/place/New-York/New-York/Marital-Status

 

[Kalinychta]

If I can't even find single women at a local park social in my neighborhood then really there are not many in New York city.

What sort of women have you been showing interest in? People with similar life situations are more likely to connect, so have you considered focusing only on women who are overweight, unemployed, and autistic or disabled in some way?

 

[Judge]

What sort of women have you been showing interest in? People with similar life situations are more likely to connect, so have you considered focusing only on women who are overweight, unemployed, and autistic or disabled in some way?

I believe this is a critical consideration for the OP, whether he accepts it or not. One which could well open doors for him that he never contemplated. Which may ultimately be the closest thing to a "solution" that the OP may ever find.

There are so many lonely people out there given they don't think they meet a societal standards of attraction and acceptability that are so often based on media and entertainment perceptions rather than reality itself.

 

[MNAus]

No don't get offended but I am tired of hearing this. I was actually going to start a new topic on this very subject. For the million time. They don't know any single people. All of there sisters, cousins, friends all have boyfriends and husbands. All the old people daughters have boyfriends and husbands. How do I know this because they talk about this in conversation. A couple wife sister has a boyfriend. A old woman from yoga daughter has a husband. They know no one so stop bringing it up. I mean it. Really. Stop it.

I'm not offended, don't worry. Maybe you misunderstood. People move in and out of relationships. It's not like everyone pairs off for life at the age of 20. I found my wife in my thirties. I didn't date anyone for a decade. What I'm not saying is "there will be friends of friends who are single" like those people can sort you out a sweet deal on hard to find merchandise.

What I am saying is you multiply your reach by having other people preaching on your behalf. Right now there is only Tony batting for Tony. You are limited by who Tony can talk to, Tony's schedules, hobbies, location, obligations, etc. Imagine having 10 or 20 agents out there acting on your behalf. People banging on about what a good bloke you are, etc. It massively increases the chances, right? That doesn't mean they will necessarily have someone right away, because they're not a supplier. But if you ARE that good bloke it's the other way round: they're not trying to find someone for you, they're highly motivated to help their friend with you as the solution.

But they simply won't do that for you if you're transparently disinterested in people unless there's a possibility they can be a partner/lover. When you're in the position to have them consider you in any future 'recommendations' you seem to be "not single? don't know anyone single? I'm wasting my time here". And so you lose them as someone who might in future have said "forget about that creep, I have a friend who is single" on your behalf.

I get that it's demoralising, and I'm not saying you have to be this charmer 24/7 and never let on your frustrations. Of course not. You're a human, you're feeling lonely and it all feels unfair. I'm just trying to help you maximise your chances. You're already doing the hard bit by starting the conversations. If you can just maintain that composure to be genuinely interested in people even if they aren't single, it'll help you a LOT. It might seem a bit Machiavellian, but think of it like a business. The majority of business doesn't come from cold-calls, but from people saying things like "I saw you at a conference 8 months ago" or similar. If every time I spoke to a potential customer I was like "oh, you don't want to buy right now, well see ya" I'd be out of business.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Everyone says they meet their spouses in their 30s and older. What no one here understands is that I never had one relationship in my life. I never dated once in my life. I never kissed a girl once in my life. What are my chances now? I don't have any. I keep trying new things but keep failing then I keep hearing from here that I am not doing enough and that I meet my spouse at this age. Admit it. It's never going to happen to me.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Everyone says they meet their spouses in their 30s and older. What no one here understands is that I never had one relationship in my life. I never dated once in my life. I never kissed a girl once in my life. What are my chances now? I don't have any. I keep trying new things but keep failing then I keep hearing from here that I am not doing enough and that I meet my spouse at this age. Admit it. It's never going to happen to me.

Reminds me how some years ago, this person is no longer in that industry but she used to be a dating and relationship coach, she told me she literally knew men in their 50s who never dated

 

[Kalinychta]

Everyone says they meet their spouses in their 30s and older. What no one here understands is that I never had one relationship in my life. I never dated once in my life. I never kissed a girl once in my life. What are my chances now? I don't have any. I keep trying new things but keep failing then I keep hearing from here that I am not doing enough and that I meet my spouse at this age. Admit it. It's never going to happen to me.

Did you happen to see my and Judge’s messages above? Just curious what you think. If the women you’re interested in are young (20s and 30s), traditionally sexually attractive (slim, pretty, etc.), and have jobs and friends and social lives, then I do feel 100% confident in saying you will never have a relationship. However, if you look for women who are similar to you (overweight, unemployed, not very social, same interests, maybe autistic), you’ll have exponentially better luck.

And if you’re not interested in women who are like you, ask yourself: why should the women you’re interested in (pretty, slim, young, etc.) be interested in you?

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Thinking of cases like Tony reminds me of certain men out there who have done or committed incidents which I don't support at all what they did but at the same time I couldn't help but empathize the pain and loneliness they went through but I don't think they are appropriate to be discussed

 

[Tony Ramirez]

However, if you look for women who are similar to you (overweight, unemployed, not very social, same interests, maybe autistic), you’ll have exponentially better luck.

Too tell the honest truth, all the social places including church, yoga and park social I have not encountered those type of women. They have all been mostly slim or minor heavy, mostly attractive, all college graduates and all employed.