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Xinyta

Xinyta

♡Goofy genderfluid person♡ They/Them/She/Her 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta

    This is the day! The day I try! Because this is the day! The day I die!

    Come set me free, all pain is gone!

    All pain undone, all pain is gone!
    Xinyta
    Still wondering if this life I made, was truly worth it. Built on a foundation of avoidance and created false fears that became reality. Now the fiction has become truth. The sickness buries deep. Darkness drives all I am. Dead inside, like a corpse. Cold, like a doll's stare. Empty, like a room without furniture. I live in a cell in my mind. As cold as the dankest dungeon. As devoid as the most dilapidated spaces.
    Rocco
    Rocco
    “Dead inside” made me hear the chorus to this song “do the Vampire, by Superdrag
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    That song is kinda fitting, honestly.

    Also. I do have a thing for vampires. Something about them are just appealing to me. Maybe because of my love of the night and the different feeling of everything covered in shadows.
    Xinyta
    Welp. Today has been a boring day. We have been getting a wintery mix most of the day. Can't do much outside when it's cold and messy.

    We didn't get alot of accumulation though. Most of the ice and snow melted as soon as it hit the ground.
    tree
    tree
    Wintry mix. That's a mess.

    We had fine textured snow today.
    Will need to shovel the roof again tomorrow.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Yeah. That is always a hassle when you have more than a few inches of snow. Though, what's worse is getting freezing rain right after a good snow. The stuff is like a brick, when you shovel it.
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    A “wintry mix” is exactly what’s heading my way right now. There should be a thick glaze of ice over new heavy snow by noon. 😑
    Xinyta
    It's hard. When you've lived most of your life in fear and avoidance. Suddenly you need to question everything about your own choices. It almost seems like your life was a lie, created by you. But in some way. Noticing things have to change, is a new step up. But will you change? Or will you perpetuate the same behaviors?

    I find myself picking the latter alot. Frustratingly enough.
    Angular Chap
    Angular Chap
    Been there myself. All the years of masking and avoidance catch up at times. Coming out about being autistic was a good push and a step up towards change, but I instinctively perpetuate the same behaviours as well. Old habits die hard.
    Xinyta
    Today is different. After 4 days of being on my new dosage of my anxiety meds. I don't feel any anxiety at all. It's gone. Just me and my mentality. Noticing things I didn't before. How could I? I was in endless anxiety. This proves that I have a anxiety disorder. Likely GAD.
    View previous comments…
    Gerontius
    Gerontius
    wow, that's a major breakthrough towards some healing up. Good for you!
    Cutesie
    Cutesie
    That's great, but it really is just the first step. The meds have obliterated just about all of my anxiety and active depressive thoughts, but I've yet to make any changes that move me forward.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    @Cutesie It's going to be a hard road. The medicine can only do so much. The rest is up to us. That will take time. The mind needs to heal, much like the rest of the body does. But I feel like I am in a better place. Everything doesn't feel horrible anymore.
    Xinyta
    'Then Jesus looked to the Pharisees and said "Is it lawful to do good on the sabbath rather than to do evil, to save life rather than to destroy it?" And the Pharisees did not respond.' - Mark 3:4
    Crossbreed
    Crossbreed
    Is there a reason for quoting that scripture, today?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    The reason is because of how I relate the Pharisees to myself. The whole passage is about healing a man with a withered hand on the sabbath. The Pharisees looking to find any way to accuse and denounce Jesus's claims.

    I see my consistent negativity in myself, as the Pharisees. Lies and misdirection.
    Xinyta
    "Actions speak louder than words. Let your words teach and your actions speak." - St. Anthony of Padua
    Xinyta
    I'm back to the feeling of not knowing where I belong again. Going to probably be quiet for a while. Not that I haven't lately.

    Been addressing alot of confusion. Part of it is; what I need to do vs. what I shouldn't be doing.
    Xinyta
    "But you will receive the power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem... and to the ends of the earth." - Acts 1:8
    Xinyta

    This song has a new meaning to me now. Especially since I am gaining a new prospective on myself. Making breakthroughs, I thought would never come.
    Xinyta
    "All the science of the Saints is included in these two things: To do, and to suffer. And whoever had done these to two things best, has made himself most saintly." - Saint Francis De Sales
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