A life of loneliness

[mw2530]

I'd also add that the 'sexual market' in general in the west has gone downhill due to obesity. I rarely meet single guys that aren't either overweight, don't care at all about their looks (I'm talking basic grooming here) or have gone the other way and want to look like the hulk! There aren't many normal, healthy looking people to date. When I've travelled abroad further than central europe the general population is much better looking well into their 40s and 50s. And not fake appearance, as with make up, surgery, spray tans, high fashion, etc. They are just a lot healthier.

Unfortunately there is a lot of truth to this I think. I don't do a lot of traveling, but when I have I've noticed many foreigners tend to look healthier. In America we like to live fast and neglect our health. I think it goes one of two ways though. There are some who take good care of their health. I think it is one of those things that you either take seriously or you don't.

 

[OkRad]

Thanks for making me feel great. I appreciate it. I seem to remember a post that I once read by you saying that men first start looking handsome in their mid 30's. Apparently you like to contradict yourself.

Well, 30 does seem to be a cut off. But, hey, lots of women like 30 year olds, I am sure. But truly, you are the one who set the post. I just agreed. Was I supposed to disagree?

 

[OkRad]

Oh, and by 30 being a cut off I am only referring to LOOKS which matter to you. My point is that if look matter to you, you are indeed screwed.

 

[mw2530]

Oh, and by 30 being a cut off I am only referring to LOOKS which matter to you. My point is that if look matter to you, you are indeed screwed.

LOL

 

[SusanLR]

I am totally in agreement with @OkRad post on how many things can go wrong in a relationship and so many people will turn away when it does.
The rigid part can go for anyone.
I sure understand what he means since I am a very rigid person myself.
For me it means I don't like being told how or what to do and I'm certainly not flexible when it comes to changing or giving in to the other person.

I would love to honestly say I found how to be happy alone, but, I really haven't.
For me the best relationship I had was living across the street from the person I wanted to be with, but, not to be with constantly.
He felt the same and I've known a few others that lived this way. They loved the other but just couldn't handle
living in the same house 24/7 with them.
This way you can be together all you want and still feel you are in control of your own life and be alone when you want also.
Doing things together this way, I found I appreciated it more, had more fun, and didn't take it for granted.
It kept the romance going.
Being together constantly can get on each others nerves and the excitement wears off. It can get boring and constictive.

Well, that's my feelings anyway.
Guess I want my cake and eat it too.

 

[Bolletje]

What are you gaining by worrying over being alone forever? It's pointless, to the point of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy if you become bitter and/or wallow in self-pity. Yes, being alone when you want to be coupled up sucks, but you're not helping yourself by being this negative.
Sure, working 60+ hours a week for the next few months is going to leave little time to socialize, so why not focus on the job for now? Three months isn't that long. You have a whole life ahead of you, no need to complicate it by setting unnecessary deadlines. Focus instead on things that are within your locus of control. Take up a new hobby, expand your horizons, make new friends. Basically make the most out of life as it is now. I'm not saying there's someone out there for everyone, but I am saying that people that are desperately looking for a relationship and/or giving up hope of ever finding one tend to send potential partners running for the hills.

 

[keebles]

I was always terrified I was going to be alone (LONG before I was diagnosed with anything) and made the mistake of taking the first guy that came along and it was a HUGE disaster (he was a schizophrenic alcoholic, but in my defense I didn't know about the schizophrenia until it was too late). I was 24 and had never even been on a date, let alone had a boyfriend, so desperation trumped logic I guess. I probably cried and prayed every night since I was 12 for a boyfriend (and I've never been religious), but once I finally got one, it not only almost ruined my life, it almost killed me, and I was stupid enough to marry him on top of that (because I apparently wasn't punishing myself enough). Luckily, I smarted up in a couple of years, but by then the damage was done. My personal lesson learned? Be careful what you wish for...you just might get it. Not everyone has a bad experience though, this is just mine.

Now, twenty some-odd years later, I haven't had a single date or relationship since and I'm pretty content with my life. There are times when I get lonely, but I just have to remind myself of the mess of the first time, and it sobers me up pretty quickly (and it doesn't help he still stalks me upon occasion). I haven't given up hope of "Mr. Right", but I rarely dwell on it now that I'm pushing my late 40's. Besides, I'd have to share my space and my stuff...deal with someone else's stuff...not do the things I want to do 24/7, etc and it's just not something that I'm willing to compromise on at this stage of my life. I may have to function in an NT world during the day for work purposes, but in my own house, I refuse...that is my domain, so it would take take one heck of a man to deal with me in my "true" form and, if he exists, he is extremely elusive!

 

[Judge]

Life can be quite dynamic. Occasionally even full of surprises.

Enough so that it's worth pondering the phrase, "Never say never". It's always possible that profound change in one's life may be just around the corner, while not being able to see it coming.

Unless of course, you choose to deliberately craft your life to the contrary.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

What are you gaining by worrying over being alone forever? It's pointless, to the point of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy if you become bitter and/or wallow in self-pity. Yes, being alone when you want to be coupled up sucks, but you're not helping yourself by being this negative.
Sure, working 60+ hours a week for the next few months is going to leave little time to socialize, so why not focus on the job for now? Three months isn't that long. You have a whole life ahead of you, no need to complicate it by setting unnecessary deadlines. Focus instead on things that are within your locus of control. Take up a new hobby, expand your horizons, make new friends. Basically make the most out of life as it is now. I'm not saying there's someone out there for everyone, but I am saying that people that are desperately looking for a relationship and/or giving up hope of ever finding one tend to send potential partners running for the hills.

I'm wondering, were you tempted to do the reverse psychology version of this post?
I was imagining it as i read yours.
But gentle is the better way,

 

[Bolletje]

I'm wondering, were you tempted to do the reverse psychology version of this post?
I was imagining it as i read yours.
But gentle is the better way,

I was contemplating a post about the horrors of cohabitation with a lover, but I realized that would put everyone off of relationships forever, so I thought better of it

 

[Judge]

I was contemplating a post about the horrors of cohabitation with a lover, but I realized that would put everyone off of relationships forever, so I thought better of it

It can be a challenge at times, all kidding aside. Even more so if you not only share living space with them, but working space as well.

 

[Jana Delaney]

Most people are in serious relationships or married and probably have kids by this point in their life.

That's because the majority of them are terrified beyond belief of what other might think of them if they are not in relationships. I have actually heard people say that - that a person is odd if they are single. There's a lot of brainwashing attached to that issue. Sure, companionship with the right person is nice, but only the right person. There's no point to being in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand you, or you have no rapport with, or you just end up feeling even more alone. I have known people who haven't been single for any longer than about four weeks since the age of 16, and just start a new relationship more or less as soon as the old one is finished, and it's increasingly common to start 'relationships' nowadays whilst already in one. If a person has a sort of transitory, shallow approach to bonding then I guess they'll find it easy, since shallow bonds seem common. If a person desires something meaningful, they may either wait a while, or never find it. There's a great freedom to realising you don't care about having relationships any more, it can take so much pressure away from you, once you realise it's mostly brainwashing and there's nothing wrong with being single, even life-long. I can still remember that feeling of thinking that everyone else is part of a club which I'm not a part of and I'm glad it's behind me. Validation from others may be nice, but any person can learn to self-validate if they spend enough time alone. It's inevitable.

I just can't understand how anyone actually gets together.

Many people aren't really that choosy. In fact, subconsciously, I think the main stipulation for most people in terms of what they want in a partner is that they are 'normal'; entrenched in groupthink, a zombie. It astonishes me too; they have this entire elaborate language of seduction and manipulation, most of which is entirely based on body language. Flirting, in other words. Although it's faintly interesting from a psychological perspective, it's still manipulation. It comes about subconsciously as a result of the fact that many people are incapable of direct, uninhibited verbal communication.

I just always thought a person would come along who I could share my horribly painful past and for once not be misunderstood.

The degree to which a person is misunderstood directly correlates to where they are on the spectrum of social normality. Nobody is actually 'understood', merely accepted. Those who are slaves to 'normality', and who self-censor everything they say and do are not 'understood', they are accepted. Nobody will ever 'understand' those people because they don't know the 'real' them in order to understand them. Conversely, a person who strives for authenticity will be misunderstood life-long because people see them as dangerous. In this world, a person cannot be authentic and not be misunderstood, at least to some extent. Most people self-censor, all day every day; that is why they hate people who don't, and unconsciously choose to misunderstand those people, because they are threatened by them and fear them. An excellent book about this topic is 'Insanely Gifted' by Jamie Catto, a book which explores the derranged insanity of constant, life-long self-censorship.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Nobody will ever 'understand' those people because they don't know the 'real' them in order to understand them

Neither do they understand themselves, they don't need to under the veil of acceptance..

 

[abby normal]

I was in my 50s and ready to leave the desiccated remains of my manhood out on the curb, but totally out of the blue another aspie lady on a competing aspie forum took a shine to me, but we were totally incompatible in person, and also I was too physically old and decrepit to be proper partner to her or anybody. I rotted on the vine. oh well, mebbe in the next lifetime... I can tell you all that when one is old, it is a bit easier to be alone, as one gets set in one's ways and less tolerant of disruption to one's routines.

 

[Ming of Mongo]

There's a saying, Only choose a date who would make a good mate. This is probably the worst advice ever. And I think it might be part of your problem. If you are completely focused on a lifelong relationship, your options shrink down to nothing really easily. No one ever finds someone who checks all the boxes.

If you aim for having a good time today, you can relax your standards and just enjoy someone's company. That might lead to something. It might change your mind about what's important. Or not.

I've seen plenty of NTs caught in the ideal mate trap. It isn't really an ASD thing, that just makes it harder.

 

[ezcare]

It all just seems hopeless so maybe I'm better off just accepting the fact that I will forever be alone. I just always thought a person would come along who I could share my horribly painful past and for once not be misunderstood. I can do this on this site, but it is a far cry from having someone in my life.

If you want a friend--be a friend. You seem more focused on sharing your horribly painful past than on celebrating who you have become.
Many years ago a mentor advised, "write your name with kindness and love on the heart of anyone you meet and you will never be alone or forgotten."
It was never easy for me to do this but over the years I got better and better at it. In fact, there have been times when I wanted to fall back and enjoy being alone.

 

[mw2530]

I think the responses indicated that I am being too rigid in what I am looking for are way off the mark. It is not like I said my standards are a Victoria Secret model. All I want is to be physically attracted to the person. sheesh. Those who say looks don't matter at all don't understand how the male sexual organs work. Am I supposed to have no standards at all? I don't think that is healthy or attractive for myself. Like I said before, there are many people that I've met whom I find attractive and would have liked to date. I don't have a checklist of requirements, that's ridiculous. The big issue is my anxiety which I didn't really mention in my original post so that is why no one mentioned it. Unless I can find a way to calm my anxiety, my prospects are always going to be poor.

 

[mw2530]

And yes there are some big advantages of being alone and I recognize that. I have more freedom to a certain degree. But it is a little disappointing the lack of empathy in several of the responses. And several of the responses are quite invalidating regarding my thoughts and feelings regarding this matter. There is a reason why the majority of songs are about love. Because it is the best thing you can experience in this world of ours if it is genuine. And that is what I've yet to find in this life and the fact that many of the posts discount this pain is quite irritating. Act like it is no big deal at all.

 

[mw2530]

Sure, working 60+ hours a week for the next few months is going to leave little time to socialize, so why not focus on the job for now? Three months isn't that long.

That is really easy for you to say. Have you ever worked 60+ hours per week for 3 months straight? It sure isn't easy. Of course I will be focusing primarily on my job during those months. I have no other choice. I've focused on my job the last 6 years or more at the expense of my health at times. 3 months is a hell of a long time when you have to do it every single year. It is one quarter of the year every year. And yes I've tried looking for other jobs and have had many interviews but I suck at them so I never get offers. Now I've gotten to a point where it is more and more difficult to switch to something else. I like a lot of my job, it is just difficult when the busy times mean little to no personal life.

 

[Bolletje]

That is really easy for you to say. Have you ever worked 60+ hours per week for 3 months straight? It sure isn't easy. Of course I will be focusing primarily on my job during those months. I have no other choice. I've focused on my job the last 6 years or more at the expense of my health at times. 3 months is a hell of a long time when you have to do it every single year. It is one quarter of the year every year.

Yes, I have worked 60+ hours a week for extended periods of time, and I currently am as well. I do it twelve months a year, which is year-round. I got together with my current partner (not a co-worker) despite working 60+ hours a week. However, unless I missed something, my job experience is not the topic here.
I meant to offer my perspective on your predicament, that is all. No need to lash out.