A life of loneliness

[Blue]

I'm 30 too and have no friends and have never dated.

 

[Panthro]

Being in my mid thirties, I am still about 5 or 6 years away from where I want to be career wise, so I have kind of accepted the fact that I most likely won't be having children. I probably will have a relationship eventually, but it will be too late to have kids though more than likely.

 

[Jana Delaney]

I think the responses indicated that I am being too rigid in what I am looking for are way off the mark. It is not like I said my standards are a Victoria Secret model. All I want is to be physically attracted to the person. sheesh. Those who say looks don't matter at all don't understand how the male sexual organs work. Am I supposed to have no standards at all? I don't think that is healthy or attractive for myself. Like I said before, there are many people that I've met whom I find attractive and would have liked to date. I don't have a checklist of requirements, that's ridiculous. The big issue is my anxiety which I didn't really mention in my original post so that is why no one mentioned it. Unless I can find a way to calm my anxiety, my prospects are always going to be poor.

You are absolutely allowed to have standards; as high or as low as you like. That is personal preference. One thing I have noticed however (and I am not necessarily saying this applies to you) is that many autistic people live with low self-esteem, but wonder why nobody is romantically interested in them. It's like, people looking outside of themselves for someone to boost their self-esteem and it doesn't work that way. Generally, with very few exceptions, a person has to feel moderately good about themselves before they can be an attractive potential partner to others. If this is an issue for someone, and they cannot do the self-help necessary to raise their confidence, then eventually they may have to accept living a lonely life. Self-validation is one of the most powerful forces in life.

 

[Panthro]

You are absolutely allowed to have standards; as high or as low as you like. That is personal preference. One thing I have noticed however (and I am not necessarily saying this applies to you) is that many autistic people live with low self-esteem, but wonder why nobody is romantically interested in them. It's like, people looking outside of themselves for someone to boost their self-esteem and it doesn't work that way. Generally, with very few exceptions, a person has to feel moderately good about themselves before they can be an attractive potential partner to others. If this is an issue for someone, and they cannot do the self-help necessary to raise their confidence, then eventually they may have to accept living a lonely life. Self-validation is one of the most powerful forces in life.

Excellent post! I struggle with this, but am doing what I can to change this.

 

[Cinco]

I understand you and I feel the same way.
I've been alone my entire life and never even felt the warm touch of another woman that I love and that I know loves me. Sure, I have family and some friends but the love for and from them isn't the same love you show and get from a romantic partner. As of acceptance and comming to term with this feeling; I've mostly come to terms with it in my everyday life, as long as I find a way to distract myself then it doesn't really bother me. However I do have periods where I get reminded about it or if my mind starts to wander off, like when I can't sleep. It really hurts but they usually pass within a day or two
But I might be too picky aswell. I think physical attraction is very important, and there is nothing wrong with that since everyone has their own taste in looks, just like everyone has their own taste with personalities. And of course it has something to do with the way I look myself. I work everyday to keep my mind and body healthy and good looking and I don't want to be with someone who can't manage to do the same. As for a womans personality and lifestyle I'm not really sure, the more like me they are the better I guess. Someone kind, forgiving and calm. I also want someone who is commited and willing to a relationship, marriage and children. I believe in traditional households and relationsships and it seems like not too many people are like this these days. yeah... guess I am kinda picky

But all in all, I stopped trying to find someone when I was about 18 or 20. I haven't "given up" but I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe there is someone out there for me and I'm set to meet her someday, somewhere and everything that has happend up until then, both good and bad had to happen for us to meet.
Anyway. I hope you're feeling better OP, there is always people on the internet who will listen to you if I don't have anyone to talk to in person.

 

[ftfipps]

I feel like online dating is a good option at your age. Just weed out the gold diggers and the psychotic ones. I think once a woman reaches their 30's (and before in many cases) they can hear their biological clocks ticking and it makes them want to settle down and start a family. I think this may actually be a great time in your life to meet someone. I feel like people, men and women make better choices as they age and make decisions on a less superficial level.

 

[Forgotten Aspie]

I'm 59 and single but that I hope will change. Especially now that I'm starting to understand why I've "stopped trying". My dream is to find my "best friend". Someone I have a genuine attraction for as a whole person.. and her for me. I'm just looking for someone to share life's simple pleasures such as the joy of cooking together or going out for a bike ride.. maybe some farther adventures. Someone who just enjoys my company as much as I do hers.

Now that I better understand the influence of autism I understand it will be a factor in any relationship. I think as long as there is open, honest communication, any influence can ultimately be positive. Relationships can not be "willed into existence" but are a blessed meeting of two compatible souls that takes time to evolve. This recent discovery of very likely being autistic, though unofficially confirmed, has been a blessing for me. I can put away the negative, self-critical part of who I've been, and be my best with whom I'd share that journey.

I don't think it is ever too late.. Like everything else in life, it happens when it is meant to be. I know that person is out there.. I just have to do my part to give it a chance of happening.

I will be pursuing an official diagnosis for myself as a first priority. Then between my own research and any counseling or training... learn these mystical sides of my self and do my best to be my best.

 

[mw2530]

I feel like online dating is a good option at your age. Just weed out the gold diggers and the psychotic ones. I think once a woman reaches their 30's (and before in many cases) they can hear their biological clocks ticking and it makes them want to settle down and start a family. I think this may actually be a great time in your life to meet someone. I feel like people, men and women make better choices as they age and make decisions on a less superficial level.

I have not found online dating very fruitful. In my experience, it has actually been quite demoralizing. To the point where I don't even bother sending out messages anymore because they are never returned. I simply wait for someone to message me. This does not occur often and when it does it usually is someone who I'm not very interested in. They are either older or are a single parent or some other reason for the lack of interest on my part. Some on here have said my standards are too rigid. But I know that if I am not excited going into a relationship then that would not be a good sign. I am open to dating someone a year or two older than me, but that is about my limit at this stage. I already missed out on having relationships during my young life so I have no experience. I do agree with you that people make better decisions when they are a bit older. Also more financially stable. Thankfully I am financially stable so I've got that going for me.

 

[ftfipps]

Have you been on free dating sites or a pay site like match.com? Usually the pay ones are better than the non pay ones. The free ones aren't even worth it anymore imo. The free dating sites are mainly fake profiles, fat chicks and really screwed up bdsm perv chicks, truly disgusting. If you have no experience you need to be extra careful. I don't want to sound pessimistic but I just don't want you to wife up the first hot girl that will just divorce you and demand alimony or child support if you guys have kids. My advice, avoid relationships altogether. Just because tv or Facebook tells you you have to get married or you have to drive a Lincoln or you have to look like Justin Beiber, that doesn't mean it will actually make you happy. My dad has AS and so do I and neither of us have had any lasting relationships. We played the field, messed around, but nothing was lasting. My dad was even married to my mom for 10 years but they divorced.

 

[ftfipps]

If you want to go the relationship route try joining a church. Chances are you will find a woman with decency and morals in a church. If you can, don't go for the young, model looking girl when looking for a LIFE PARTNER. For a date, yes, go with the young gorgeous one. For a life partner and mother of your kids, go for a quiet, reserved girl with NO BAD HABITS, with a few extra pounds on her. Go with a woman with a strong sense of family and culture like an Italian woman, or a Hispanic woman. Food for thought: A male can sire a child in his late 70's if he wants. For a woman the cutoff age is 40.

 

[mw2530]

Have you been on free dating sites or a pay site like match.com? Usually the pay ones are better than the non pay ones. The free ones aren't even worth it anymore imo. The free dating sites are mainly fake profiles, fat chicks and really screwed up bdsm perv chicks, truly disgusting. If you have no experience you need to be extra careful. I don't want to sound pessimistic but I just don't want you to wife up the first hot girl that will just divorce you and demand alimony or child support if you guys have kids.

The pay ones. I don't plan to move at an accelerated pace despite the fact that I have no experience and am getting older. It just would be nice to have some fun for a change. Kids would be nice someday possibly, but I'm not going to force it. I don't think it is healthy to start popping out kids right away. Several years together should be spent before that is done. I'm not even remotely close to that

 

[Suiseiseki]

I wish I was almost 30, I'm 48 and have had a few relationships in my past that have been destructive and I'm honestly happier single. Relationships are often overrated and we feel like we must be in one because everyone else is.

I want to be in a relationship because its the human drive to want to find someone to be with and have children and all that stuff.
Not because society tells me to.

 

[pjcnet]

I want to be in a relationship because its the human drive to want to find someone to be with and have children and all that stuff.
Not because society tells me to.

It's also a human drive for a man to show his strength including in battle against other males to impress a female so he can mate with her (humans are still animals), then after mating it's the drive for the man to provide by going out hunting Etc. while the woman looks after the children. Most of us have learnt to override many of our most basic primitive instincts, but most wouldn't have done if everyone else was still doing this. Many of us however still haven't overridden our tribal instinct which is often destructive, that's why we see football fans (AKA soccer in the US) get over passionate about the game to the extent of fighting and genuinely hating opposing fans, gang warfare over territory is another example and in a bigger way even hatred of other countries, religions and races is also part of our primitive tribal instinct, but I'm glad I can override this and I can now also override the instinct to seek a relationship which has personally been destructive for me in the past even though much of society is based around couples. I'm NOT saying a relationship is bad for everyone however.

 

[Suiseiseki]

If you want to go the relationship route try joining a church. Chances are you will find a woman with decency and morals in a church. If you can, don't go for the young, model looking girl when looking for a LIFE PARTNER. For a date, yes, go with the young gorgeous one. For a life partner and mother of your kids, go for a quiet, reserved girl with NO BAD HABITS, with a few extra pounds on her. Go with a woman with a strong sense of family and culture like an Italian woman, or a Hispanic woman. Food for thought: A male can sire a child in his late 70's if he wants. For a woman the cutoff age is 40.

I don't like fat chicks, I just... its gross, I can't, just cant.
I mean extra thicc isn't fat, but fat is a no no.
As are single mothers, I won't do that either.

 

[mw2530]

Many of us however still haven't overridden our tribal instinct which is often destructive, that's why we see football fans (AKA soccer in the US) get over passionate about the game to the extent of fighting and genuinely hating opposing fans, gang warfare over territory is another example and in a bigger way even hatred of other countries, religions and races is also part of our primitive tribal instinct, but I'm glad I can override this and I can now also override the instinct to seek a relationship which has personally been destructive for me in the past even though much of society is based around couples. I'm NOT saying a relationship is bad for everyone however.

I think sports is a healthy outlet for some of these primal instincts. Sure, a small minority take it too far. People express themselves via sports just as people express themselves thru music, art, etc... Sports can also have the affect of bringing people together. I think if anything, suppression of your wants or desires can eventually cause extreme aggression. People get fed up with dealing with all their daily problems that they need outlets. It seems to me that you may really desire a relationship, but not the toxic relationships you've experienced in the past.

 

[pjcnet]

I don't like fat chicks, I just... its gross, I can't, just cant.
I mean extra thicc isn't fat, but fat is a no no.
As are single mothers, I won't do that either.

That's only your personal taste however, some men actually prefer larger women, and if you don't believe me there's actually nightclubs and special nightclub nights that are specially for big women and the men that appreciate them (men can be of all sizes).

See: New nightclub in Birmingham for big ladies for instance (this is a mile from where I happen to live although I'm unsure whether it's still going) and The UK'S Premier BBW Club for nightclub events (that's definitely still alive and kicking).

Again some men don't mind single mothers and some even prefer them.

 

[Suiseiseki]

That's only your personal taste however, some men actually prefer larger women, and if you don't believe me there's actually nightclubs and special nightclub nights that are specially for big women and the men that appreciate them (men can be of all sizes).

See: New nightclub in Birmingham for big ladies for instance (this is a mile from where I happen to live although I'm unsure whether it's still going) and The UK'S Premier BBW Club for nightclub events (that's definitely still alive and kicking).

Again some men don't mind single mothers and some even prefer them.

Yeah I ain't clicking that link...

Not sure why any man would prefer a single mother... but whatever plenty out there for those that do.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Yeah I ain't clicking that link...

Not sure why any man would prefer a single mother... but whatever plenty out there for those that do.

Wow, @Suiseiseki, you just insulted my wife - who is a single mother. Not cool. Think before you post.

 

[pjcnet]

Not sure why any man would prefer a single mother... but whatever plenty out there for those that do.

Personally I don't think it's fair to hold a past failed relationship against anyone even if they've had children and despite equal rights being promoted in most cases it's still the women who ends up with the children (of course there's also a smaller percentage of single mothers who are widows). If you met someone who seemed like your perfect partner that you were very much attracted to, would you really then reject her if you later found out she had children? You might say yes now, but if it actually happened you may well feel differently. By saying that you would never date a single mother rules out masses of potentially really nice women before ever giving them a chance. If people want a relationship and rule out too many potential partners like this it obviously increases their chances of staying single, I therefore advise people stay as open minded as possible and look at each person as an individual, this is also relevant to the original thread.

The bad: I fully understand that some men don't like or get on well with most children (I'm not particularly keen myself, especially the noisy ones) and many of these men definitely don't want to put up with someone else's (however a lot of people seem to forget that children are all unique individuals too, just because someone didn't get on well with one child, doesn't mean they won't with another). Sometimes there's a risk of complications when the biological father wants to stay in contact with his children because there can still be bad feelings and some men may even fear that their potential new partner could still have a deep emotional attachment to the biological father and worry that one day they might decide to get back together, especially if it benefits the children. A good relationship is based around trust, if you don't feel you can trust your partner and it can't be resolved quickly then the relationship is unlikely to work.

The Good: There are men who love children (obviously in a healthy way) and many single women are very independent, sensible, mature and responsible as they have had to be for their children, this can be another quality some men can be attracted to. There are many successful long term relationships that involve previously single mothers. I was good friends with a single mother with 2 young children for a long while (I personally didn't look at her romantically), a pleasant man who I also knew showed interest in her for a long time and for months she lacked the confidence to go out with him even though she really liked him, while on the other side he was telling me behind her back how much he liked her. In the end she did finally pluck up the courage to out with him and about a year later they were happily married. Her children saw him like their father and he loved them like his own. The biological father did seek access to the children and won alternate weekend custody in court, but she had absolutely no interest in him and kept as little contact as legally possible, it was her past which she had put behind her and the situation didn't seem to upset her current relationship or marriage.

 

[Propianotuner]

I'm not saying there's someone out there for everyone, but I am saying that people that are desperately looking for a relationship and/or giving up hope of ever finding one tend to send potential partners running for the hills.

They can't exactly help it or magic away feelings that have been ingrained in them ad nauseum by their upbringing, environment, and basic biological urges. It's a harsh, harsh way to be and it's all well and good to say "be happy with yourself", but not so easy for everyone to swallow the same bitter pill day after day. Especially with this depressing of a problem piled on top of plenty of other life issues.