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A life of loneliness

The 'list' I mentioned might be old-fashioned and largely superficial(which I do say) but just because we don't like it doesn't make it not a thing. We're still are participants in society as ugly as it may be, I'm sorry guys rejected you because of how super awesome you are but I feel like the rejections on this end are a lot more mean spirited but I guess what happens to yourself personally always takes precedent.

How does one build up self-esteem and self-love as a guy to the point that he would be considered viable? To force myself to believe about myself feels like delusion and arrogance which to me do not seem like attractive traits. People aren't angry at me, I don't even have a chance to live up to their expectations, just straight up ostracized. I've spent my whole adult life working hard desperately trying to fix myself but it seems the reality is that the disability will always be there as well as the prejudice. Things are just different for guys and girls, statistics and biology show this to be true. Again, it's a generalization, I'm not talking about you specifically or saying you got a 'free pass'. The point I was making was more about how useless the advice of 'just be yourself' and 'love yourself' is for guys, if I had a nickle for every time I'd have a lot of nickles. You hear stuff like everybody is worthy of love, obviously that's not true.

Just to reiterate, I don't want to be dismissive of anybody's pain & suffering. I think anybody's that's been to the same place would understand the cynicism and bitterness that develops that you have to vent sometimes. I don't know how to have self-worth, it doesn't make sense to me or seem logical.
 
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I don't think women have it easier than men. But I do think that some people are higher on the spectrum than others.
"Just be yourself" and "love yourself" is useless advice in general and not helpful at all.
 
I agree with a lot of what @Jacoby is saying. But we all seem to have faced big problems in this area. It just seems that the specific problems can be much different between men and women. All I can do is speak to my experience and being an aspie male has not been kind. The trouble is I've never even get an initial interest from basically anyone. It's only occurred like 3 times in my life and I am 30. I cannot even get to the point of talking to someone or meeting up with a lady casually. Do you know how damaging that is not only psychologically but also in your development? It's devastating. There is potential for all kinds of issues once you begin seeing someone, but for NT's it isn't that big of a deal because they can simply begin meeting with someone else casually. Eventually you hit on someone compatible. But when you can't even get past the point of talking and dating casually, how the hell are you ever going to find someone you want to spend your life with? It is accurate in being nearly hopeless. That is reality for many or most aspie males. I'm sure that @Jacoby has spent a lot of time trying to improve himself. It isn't like he hopped on this site to begin complaining about this issue without trying to solve this problem. He is on here because he is frustrated and feels like he's already tried til he is blue in the face with no success whatsoever. As for myself, I've improved myself my whole life. I worked my tail off in school and college. I have a masters degree and a decent paying job (although it is a big pain in the ass many days). But that is what a job is. I stay fit, dress decent, take care of hygiene. It is soul crushing to work so hard, but not be able to fulfill your desires. It is another thing if you are lazy then you can only blame yourself. It is devastating to just see yourself getting older and see your youth pass in front of your eyes while being forbidden from getting what a human being wants most in this life. If things don't change in the near future, I don't see myself ever finding someone. At a certain point, my desire will not be the same as I get older as I'll feel like I missed out on all the fun young love years. And to be perfectly honest, there are not a how lot of single women near my age that are desirable. Getting back to my initial thoughts, aspie guys can't even get into the casually talking/meeting out phase. I think aspie women have it much easier in this area. Maybe not for all, but generally much easier than the male. Sure issues may come about after this phase, but the aspie male has to deal with those as well. But if you can at least enter that initial phase you improve your odds immensely.
 
I struggle with putting a time frame on things as well but it is the reality if you want to have a family of your own. Guys don't have the same biological clock but generally people get with people near their age. That's what depresses me when I hear things like well maybe one day when you're 40, 50, 60,70, etc you'll find a partner since that precludes from having a family.

I come from a dysfunctional but very closely knit immediate family and a large relatively close successful extended one where everybody is married/has kids that I unfortunately struggle to maintain any relationship with. I feel like like I know what a good strong relationship entails because pretty much everyone in my family is in one. I think having a family of your own is important since it allows you to put someone above your own self. Maybe that's just a cultural thing I dunno about where you're from. I would definitely agree about it not having anything to do with looks since looks can be improved and marriage is indeed supposed to be life partnership. I say my family but I'm not even counting my dad's side which is steeped in trauma, abuse, selfishness. I know what my father overcame to become the man he was, so I feel like I've seen and understand the different types of relationships despite my personal inexperience.

All I really want out a relationship is a loyal committed partner that I can trust and not be insecure around. Is that not enough to bring to the table?
 
Jacoby said:
I come from a dysfunctional but very closely knit immediate family and a large relatively close successful extended one where everybody is married/has kids that I unfortunately struggle to maintain any relationship with. I feel like like I know what a good strong relationship entails because pretty much everyone in my family is in one. I think having a family of your own is important since it allows you to put someone above your own self.
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That sounds exactly like my family, lol. I agree, with the family of your own, I think that is why I often feel selfish. But it sure would be nice to have someone who put me above themselves other than say my parents.
 
pjcnet said:
Personally I don't think it's fair to hold a past failed relationship against anyone even if they've had children and despite equal rights being promoted in most cases it's still the women who ends up with the children (of course there's also a smaller percentage of single mothers who are widows). If you met someone who seemed like your perfect partner that you were very much attracted to, would you really then reject her if you later found out she had children? You might say yes now, but if it actually happened you may well feel differently. By saying that you would never date a single mother rules out masses of potentially really nice women before ever giving them a chance. If people want a relationship and rule out too many potential partners like this it obviously increases their chances of staying single, I therefore advise people stay as open minded as possible and look at each person as an individual, this is also relevant to the original thread.
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I am not an open minded person, nor am I a tolerant person.
I make no effort to hide that fact. I know my perfect partner wouldn't have children and be single like that because I tend to look for values that don't have that involved within it or have it be acceptable.
Just because someone is "nice" doesn't mean we're compatible. I've known single mothers, they liked me, they were plenty nice people, but they had personalities like my hard tack.
I don't need to give them a chance, I would rather be alone then be with someone I have zero interest in.
I don't want to be involved with someone else's child, nor have to come second like that.
It's just not me.
 
Suiseiseki said:
I am not an open minded person, nor am I a tolerant person.
I make no effort to hide that fact. I know my perfect partner wouldn't have children and be single like that because I tend to look for values that don't have that involved within it or have it be acceptable.
Just because someone is "nice" doesn't mean we're compatible. I've known single mothers, they liked me, they were plenty nice people, but they had personalities like my hard tack.
I don't need to give them a chance, I would rather be alone then be with someone I have zero interest in.
I don't want to be involved with someone else's child, nor have to come second like that.
It's just not me.
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You haven't been interested in the single mothers you've met so far. You haven't met all single mothers however or their children, you never know there could be a special one that you're really interested in one day, perhaps one that is totally different to the usual stereotype image of a single mother. Honestly you never know and you could even meet her without knowing she's a single mother at first, find that you really like her and then later discover she has a child or children at home being babysat or perhaps temporarily staying at her parents. You may see this as unlikely, but you shouldn't rule it out as completely impossible.
 
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pjcnet said:
You haven't been interested in the single mothers you've met so far. You haven't met all single mothers however or their children, you never know there could be a special one that you're really interested in one day, perhaps one that is totally different to the usual stereotype image of a single mother. Honestly you never know and you could even meet her without knowing she's a single mother at first, find that you really like her and then later discover she has a child or children at home being babysat or perhaps temporarily staying at her parents. You may see this as unlikely, but you shouldn't rule it out at completely impossible.
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I refuse to raise someone else's children. I don't care how "great" she is (that and well such things are quite impossible since I only meet women on dating sites and such, I don't talk to them in person, I keep to myself, nor do I go anywhere they frequent lol) like I don't go to bars or anything.
And if she lied in her profile well, then right off the bat it's started off poorly.
I have never had such a quick connection with anyone. There's always a reason she's a single mother. Not really sure people always defend them to me, like friends and parents sometimes do it too, like they think that's all I can get and I should just bite the bullet and cuck myself. Well no thank you, I'll be fine without one.
 
Suiseiseki said:
I refuse to raise someone else's children. I don't care how "great" she is (that and well such things are quite impossible since I only meet women on dating sites and such, I don't talk to them in person, I keep to myself, nor do I go anywhere they frequent lol) like I don't go to bars or anything.
And if she lied in her profile well, then right off the bat it's started off poorly.
I have never had such a quick connection with anyone. There's always a reason she's a single mother. Not really sure people always defend them to me, like friends and parents sometimes do it too, like they think that's all I can get and I should just bite the bullet and cuck myself. Well no thank you, I'll be fine without one.
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Well it's up to yourself, but I see it as being over closed minded while increasing your chances of staying single if you want a relationship. I do believe in only going into a relationship with someone you truly want as a 1st choice, rather than with someone you think is 2nd best just because they're easily available, but totally ruling out a large number of possible women before you've even met them purely because they have a child or children is different because the same woman without a child may have otherwise been considered as a 1st choice even though she's still the same person.

Regarding "There's always a reason she's a single mother.", well yes this is true, but it's not always her fault however and she may have for instance once been a poor judge of character when she fell for a man who later left her for someone else just because he didn't want to take any responsibility for his child. Even if she was partly or even entirely to blame, I also believe that we all make mistakes and it's unfair to hold them against someone indefinitely. If you met a woman, fell in love with her and later had a child together, how would you feel if she later left you for another man despite being a perfect partner and you were then indefinitely rejected by future women that might have otherwise been interested entirely because you was a single father?

Anyway best of luck! :)
 
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I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable with someone to have children with them (in the sense of trusting them).
I am fine with cutting out that chunk of the dating world, I lose no sleep over it. I do feel people should own their mistakes and there are consequences to ones actions, it's not my fault she wanted to sleep with an idiot when she was 20 and now has a kid and no one wants to be with her.
And I refuse to just brush that off, and for what?
She wouldn't have made a good partner and would just be after my money and my far superior apartment to move herself and her kid into... I lose everything!
 
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