What solution do you propose for people who find themselves in this situation?
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A life of loneliness
- Thread starter mw2530
- Start date
Being happy with yourself isn't easy. It takes a lot of work, especially when you have a lot of problems, your self-esteem is low, you're depressed and you really want someone to love you and make you feel better. It sucks. I've been there too. I think pretty much everyone on these forums has been there at some point. And sometimes you just want to lash out at the world for being unfair, and give up hope that things will ever change.
But the thing is, if you want your life to improve, you're going to have to put the work in. No one else is going to do it for you. No one will magically fix your life. And there are many things beyond your control, so don't waste your time willing those to change. Instead spend your time and energy on things within your control, such as improving yourself through whatever means possible.
some days that is what I need
The fact that we have to deal with issues caused by having ASD on top of regular life issues that every other human also has can be a devastating combination. Life keeps happening. For example, for my job I have to work 60+ hours per week for the next 3 months. Someone on here said that 3 months is not that long and to focus on the job. It sure is a long time when you have to do it every year and when you have been w/out a partner for your entire adult life and are now 30 years old. Never having the experience of having a life partner is absolutely soul crushing. Recovering from that and trying to think and act more positively to change the course of your life is a monumental task. It has some similarities to someone addicted to drugs I think. Not only do you have to try and break the addiction; what makes it more difficult is you now have to face the realities of your life which are probably full of many more problems as a result of the drug addiction. There are two separate obstacles you have to fight through. Having ASD while not understanding this fact while growing up led to life taking a negative path. So not only do you have to deal with the difficulties that come with ASD, you now have to face the realities of what your life has been like and the situation it has put you at in the present moment. The present realty is hard to face.
I'm right there with you, friend. Most of the year I work 60-70 hours. I end up trying to connect with people at work even though it's inadvisable.
jeez i might end it now
I hope you don't mean that. While, I began a thread speaks to my frustrations and difficulties, life is to short and precious to give up all hope.
BK201
Well-Known Member
Why is it inadvisable?
People commonly relate that it's an awful experience working with someone after a breakup.
Probably not but it's hard to have any hope of things changing and getting better, you just become an angry bitter person just to survive. Self esteem and confidence(+ a bunch of other per-requisites) are what you need if you're a guy, women can just exist and 'be themselves'(the most useless advice in history) and still be considered a viable person/partner whereas its put impossibly out of reach for me.
It's hard to even relate to women on spectrum as few as they are when it comes to relationships, I know I'm not the only person on these support sites noticing that with women it always seems to be my BF/husband this or that meanwhile you have bunch miserable 50 year old dudes who never been in a relationship. It doesn't feel like we're playing the same game let alone on the same team.
Then they tell you need to learn to 'love' yourself and that there's more to life, not really and how? I'm not a savant that gets pleasure from model trains or someone that lives for their 10 cats. I think I'm too smart(hahaha) and too self aware to be confident, it's not logical and I can't delude myself when I know the reality of the situation but this has haunted me my entire life since I was a small child.
Sorry if anybody takes offense, just venting, whatever.
No offense, and I am not complaining.
@Jacoby As far as women being able to just exist, not needing self-esteem, and still be viable partners, that is absolutely incorrect.
Some of us on the spectrum women have been through years and years of extremely confusing and demeaning experiences interacting with family of origin, people at school and work, and due to gender and societal realities, emotional and physical abuse, miserable relationships which were far worse than being alone, and cycles of attempting to fit in and being rejected over and over again.
@Jacoby As far as women being able to just exist, not needing self-esteem, and still be viable partners, that is absolutely incorrect.
Some of us on the spectrum women have been through years and years of extremely confusing and demeaning experiences interacting with family of origin, people at school and work, and due to gender and societal realities, emotional and physical abuse, miserable relationships which were far worse than being alone, and cycles of attempting to fit in and being rejected over and over again.
It's not even about being in a relationship, which as a guy on the spectrum we'd have to navigate too(and all the other things you mentioned) if we are to ever fall ass backward into one, it's more about being considered a viable person which is why I brought up that advice of 'being yourself'. Unfortunately we are chained by biology and have to accept these simple truths, women have inherent value to men just because they are women whereas guys have to cultivate it or they'll be lucky is somebody ever even says hi to them. Is there anybody in society more despised than lower status males? Some other subgroup within that? I was speaking specifically about relationships, it's just not the same.
Typical woman
(Runs and hides)
I always remembered @WereBear posting about this, as an HFA, and a woman being sort of doubly invisible.
Especially with the 'you cant be autistic you're a woman thing '
In a way a lot us,as men, were not relationship ready, but as women i wonder - there wasnt really that much of a choice to be alone. Society being what it was and is.
What I always hated when i saw a man who supposedly 'liked' a woman would wear her down, till she submitted, for a dste initially.
But thats what a lot of me did and do.
Select woman, wear them down to nothing, till they capitulate.... and that becomes the love story of how you met. Or the horro story..
Like 'he followed me home with flowers everyday and was always at my work.....'
Ugh
But ive got the t shirt for all the other stuff you mention
BK201
Well-Known Member
Not really. I've always been myself, I'm a woman and it wasn't enough.
It's a generalization, I'm sorry if you or anyone else feels slighted by it. If you are the same, you would know the pain that it has brought to your life. I do believe there is truth to what I am saying tho, the list of qualities for a guy to be considered a viable person is disgustingly long and superficial.(tall, money, hobbies, friends, fun, basically everything) Guys can't just 'be themselves' and 'learn to love themselves' as I've heard so many times as advice.
Autism really is a terrible disability that strikes at what it fundamentally means to be human as social animals. Learning psychology was really interesting but distressing at the same time since you can start connecting the dots as far as your development goes, I don't know if it has been good for me since it has made me believe that I am broken person with little hope of ever changing. Knowing why doesn't fix anything, it can make you feel even more helpless & out of control. I've become a much more cynical and fatalistic person the last couple years, I just want some luck to go my way because I just don't believe I can do it all on my own. It's really easy to understand why people play the lottery, it's just buying a couple bucks worth of hope. Why not you?
@Jacoby I'm sorry you've become so bitter. However, the list of qualities a man should supposedly have to be considered viable? That list is for old-fashioned and/or superficial people. As for women being considered viable just for being themselves? Sorry, I think we must live in a different universe. I am not offended by your post, but I feel the need to clarify the following:
I'm an attractive woman, I am smart and funny, I have an academic career, a good job, I can support myself and never expect anyone to pay my bills, nor do I want to be treated like a princess. But you know the fun part? That doesn't fit the conventional idea of what a woman should be like, so I get called names.
A lot of men just want a girl that looks like she walked out of a fashion catalogue, a girl not too opinionated, smart or independent. Someone who stays at home to look pretty, fix dinner, raise kids and tell them how smart and manly they are. If you don't fit the stereotype, best get ready for a LOT of unwarranted abuse. Out of the blue, I've been told in no uncertain terms that I am absolutely not desirable at all, over and over again. Somehow, people feel the need to throw this in your face even if they don't know you and you never had any intention of getting to know them in the first place. They just walk up to you and let you know you're worthless in their eyes. I've literally had people I never met before walk up to me and shout in my face that I'm so ****ing fat and ugly I shouldn't be allowed to leave the house and should probably kill myself. (fun fact: I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, and I feel gross for even feeling the need to clarify this)
I've been pre-emptively rejected for many different reasons. To list a few: Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too many male friends, too smart, too opinionated, too different, too weird, too introverted, too extroverted, too independent, too educated, not a member of X student society, not feminine enough, not fashionable enough, partied too hard, didn't party hard enough, and the list goes on and on and on. If you don't fit the ideal, you will get ground down repeatedly and be made to feel inadequate for it.
I have struggled with feeling inadequate and worthless all my life, because people and the media told me I was. I learned to love myself eventually, because the fact that other people can be d*cks doesn't mean that I'm not good enough. It hasn't been an easy process, and some days it's still pretty damn hard because of how obnoxiously some ridiculous ideals get shoved in your face time and time again. And yes, I am in a relationship, but that's not because someone scooped me up off of the street just because I happen to have ovaries and a vagina. It's because I worked incredibly hard to build up my self-esteem regardless of people in general being cruel, it's because I stopped depending on external validation for my self-worth, it's because despite working 60+ hours a week I still made an effort to go out, meet new people and have a fulfilling life. And I worked incredibly hard to build that relationship, and am putting in effort daily to keep it healthy and functional. But to say I got a free pass in life or in relationships for being a woman? No, I don't think so. And I don't think I'm the only one that has experienced a life like this.
I'm an attractive woman, I am smart and funny, I have an academic career, a good job, I can support myself and never expect anyone to pay my bills, nor do I want to be treated like a princess. But you know the fun part? That doesn't fit the conventional idea of what a woman should be like, so I get called names.
A lot of men just want a girl that looks like she walked out of a fashion catalogue, a girl not too opinionated, smart or independent. Someone who stays at home to look pretty, fix dinner, raise kids and tell them how smart and manly they are. If you don't fit the stereotype, best get ready for a LOT of unwarranted abuse. Out of the blue, I've been told in no uncertain terms that I am absolutely not desirable at all, over and over again. Somehow, people feel the need to throw this in your face even if they don't know you and you never had any intention of getting to know them in the first place. They just walk up to you and let you know you're worthless in their eyes. I've literally had people I never met before walk up to me and shout in my face that I'm so ****ing fat and ugly I shouldn't be allowed to leave the house and should probably kill myself. (fun fact: I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, and I feel gross for even feeling the need to clarify this)
I've been pre-emptively rejected for many different reasons. To list a few: Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too many male friends, too smart, too opinionated, too different, too weird, too introverted, too extroverted, too independent, too educated, not a member of X student society, not feminine enough, not fashionable enough, partied too hard, didn't party hard enough, and the list goes on and on and on. If you don't fit the ideal, you will get ground down repeatedly and be made to feel inadequate for it.
I have struggled with feeling inadequate and worthless all my life, because people and the media told me I was. I learned to love myself eventually, because the fact that other people can be d*cks doesn't mean that I'm not good enough. It hasn't been an easy process, and some days it's still pretty damn hard because of how obnoxiously some ridiculous ideals get shoved in your face time and time again. And yes, I am in a relationship, but that's not because someone scooped me up off of the street just because I happen to have ovaries and a vagina. It's because I worked incredibly hard to build up my self-esteem regardless of people in general being cruel, it's because I stopped depending on external validation for my self-worth, it's because despite working 60+ hours a week I still made an effort to go out, meet new people and have a fulfilling life. And I worked incredibly hard to build that relationship, and am putting in effort daily to keep it healthy and functional. But to say I got a free pass in life or in relationships for being a woman? No, I don't think so. And I don't think I'm the only one that has experienced a life like this.
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Sorry about that
Did you know I would appear?
I managed to get to the worthless part without as many rejections.
I'm super efficient.
Its a great post as I think it reveals what life can be like for a lot of women,not just ASD, and its something that not a lot of men ever consider.
Now please revert to telling me how manly I am and super smart.
Shall I make you a sandwich while doing so?
Kirsty
ND
This infuriates me! I hope something terrible happens for them to change their ways about treating others inhumanly like that.
Thanks for the post. I have to learn to be like you by working (not necessarily hard) to love myself despite how inconsiderate others treat me. I learned it’s not being selfish, it’s self caring. I found those people who did bring me down were the selfish ones in the first place. I extended more than enough kindness to them and got next to nothing in return. I happen to attract narcissistic type of people, but that’s another topic.
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