Being annoying and autism

[Jonn]

I can watch the same Sci Fi series over, and over, and over.
I don't need cable.
I can just buy the boxed set, now that I think about it.

 

[Xinyta]

Perhaps this has anything to do with autism, I don't know, but I've always had this little voice in my head telling me I really don't want to be annoying or bother other people. However, this doesn't seem to be an issue for others (neurotypicals?).

For example, the other day I was coming home very late at night (2 am) and my parents were sleeping. So, I unlocked the door as quietly as possible and tiptoed to my room.

My parents, on the other hand, when they get home late, talk loudly, turn on the TV, and don’t seem to care that they might be annoying.

Later, I moved out from my parents' place and now live alone, but I’ve noticed my neighbors do the same thing. When I get home late at night or early in the morning, I try to be very quiet. But my neighbors will throw a party or barbecue, being loud during the night with music and conversations, and they don’t seem to care if they’re being annoying. Recently, my neighbor woke me up around 5 am on his way to work. He blasted loud music in his car, and when his phone rang, he started talking very loudly.

I find this interesting because it's usually autistic people who are accused of not understanding societal norms, social cues, and all that stuff.

I want to ask about your experience. Do you, like me, try not to be annoying as much as possible? Or is it the opposite—do people tell you that you're somewhat annoying, sometimes without you even realizing it? Do you feel like people around you are usually not very considerate?

This is a bit of a murky subject to nail down. Because beyond socail factors. There is the other consideration of the current generation too. Alot of folks, NT and ND, can be very inconsiderate and selfish. It's not so much a socail thing, as much as the hubris of man in general.

But I can see how it comes off as a NT thing. But it really isn't. It's just that NTs tend to be more 'outgoing', due to the lack of socail limitations that we have.

However I do share the sentiment of despising people being obnoxiously loud. And I do actively try to stay quiet and out if sight alot. To my Uncle's annoyance, ironically. I am not as much of the ninja I use to be. More so out of necessity of trying to better myself. But it still happens.

Respect is a funny thing.

 

[velociraptor]

I find this interesting because it's usually autistic people who are accused of not understanding societal norms, social cues, and all that stuff.

A problem is that social norms seem to have moved from consideration for others to preoccupation with oneself. That is why people are loud and ignorant when both common sense and common courtesy would dictate otherwise.

 

[Pats]

I definitely relate this to autism. Not wanting to be noticed or stand out is one reason. Not wanting to ask for help. Not wanting to be watched or even looked at. Not wanting to be center of attention. Just do whatever we can to NOT draw attention to ourself.
I think we are also more considerate of others. I know what you mean about NT's banging around, like they're making certain that no one is asleep and might miss their grand entrance. I think we even tend to walk quieter.

 

[Pats]

I’m very guilty of this because I live in a condo with a shared, thin wall and the non-connected units are still close enough that I can hear other people, too, sometimes.

I feel like I can’t turn on my TV or music too loudly when on a speaker without making it audible to everyone nearby. I’m also super self conscious about going up my stairs at night because they are against the wall where the other unit’s bedrooms are and I’m a night owl and I’m pretty sure the family next door goes to bed earlier than me.

I’m sure some of this is my anxiety talking, but it’s a pain that my home isn’t more soundproof.

I used to live in an upstairs apartment and worked nights. The nights I was home I tip-toed around so I wouldn't disturb the person below me.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I think those of us who also have ADHD are less quiet (at least when the hyperactive type is included).

 

[Xinyta]

I definitely relate this to autism. Not wanting to be noticed or stand out is one reason. Not wanting to ask for help. Not wanting to be watched or even looked at. Not wanting to be center of attention. Just do whatever we can to NOT draw attention to ourself.
I think we are also more considerate of others. I know what you mean about NT's banging around, like they're making certain that no one is asleep and might miss their grand entrance. I think we even tend to walk quieter.

I used to live in an upstairs apartment and worked nights. The nights I was home I tip-toed around so I wouldn't disturb the person below me.

The irony being that NTs can see our avoidant behavior, as suspicious. Like we have something to hide or are hiding something. Then it doesn't matter that we are being considerate, if the NTs see us as weird and creepy for doing it.

Though not everyone will care to notice us when we do this. But those that do, will take note of it.

 

[Pats]

The irony being that NTs can see our avoidant behavior, as suspicious. Like we have something to hide or are hiding something. Then it doesn't matter that we are being considerate, if the NTs see us as weird and creepy for doing it.

Though not everyone will care to notice us when we do this. But those that do, will take note of it.

lol those people will stay away then.

 

[Shamar]

Perhaps this has anything to do with autism, I don't know, but I've always had this little voice in my head telling me I really don't want to be annoying or bother other people. However, this doesn't seem to be an issue for others (neurotypicals?).

For example, the other day I was coming home very late at night (2 am) and my parents were sleeping. So, I unlocked the door as quietly as possible and tiptoed to my room.

My parents, on the other hand, when they get home late, talk loudly, turn on the TV, and don’t seem to care that they might be annoying.

Later, I moved out from my parents' place and now live alone, but I’ve noticed my neighbors do the same thing. When I get home late at night or early in the morning, I try to be very quiet. But my neighbors will throw a party or barbecue, being loud during the night with music and conversations, and they don’t seem to care if they’re being annoying. Recently, my neighbor woke me up around 5 am on his way to work. He blasted loud music in his car, and when his phone rang, he started talking very loudly.

I find this interesting because it's usually autistic people who are accused of not understanding societal norms, social cues, and all that stuff.

I want to ask about your experience. Do you, like me, try not to be annoying as much as possible? Or is it the opposite—do people tell you that you're somewhat annoying, sometimes without you even realizing it? Do you feel like people around you are usually not very considerate?

I see this myself. NTs are annoying because they don't CARE. If some people stop liking them because they are annoying and ostracizing them, then there are plenty more to make friends with. Many also tend to be rather self centered, feel superior, or even narcissistic. We, on the other hand, are already ostracized, and we do not want to make it worse. Most of the time.

I, for one, enjoy playing with other people's minds. They can be such fun playthings, making them confused and doubting reality for a while. I also don't care. I have no friends and am already ostracized by society because of my autism. How are they going to make it worse? Put me in jail? Send me to another planet?

On the other hand, I try not to deliberately annoy other people, such as making noise while others are sleeping. That is just plain common human decency, courtesy, and respect for others. Something far too many NTs seem to lack (see my first paragraph here). From my interactions here, it appears we have not acquired these traits. And I hope we never do. In a sense, it makes us (as a group) better people than them (as a group), and that is something we can feel good about (as long as we don't start feeling superior or narcissistic about it, then we become just like them).

 

[Magna]

I can definitely identify with this topic and I think it's a very good one for discussion. For me it's not that I'm worried about "annoying" other people. To me, it's a matter of respect and consideration for following the written and unwritten rules of society and plain etiquette. People are most definitely less respectful of others than when I was younger.

It's maddening to me when people are blatantly inconsiderate or ignore the rules of societal etiquette. Why don't we all just not follow any rules then? Why don't we all just adopt being inconsiderate of others around us? Because that would make life a living hell for everyone.

 

[FayetheAspie]

To paraphrase Luke 6:31, We should treat other people the way that we would want them to treat us.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I think we should try to focus less on how others treat us and instead simply choose to do what is right ourselves.

 

[StoneCold Aspie]

Neurotypicals have a very quick sense on detecting aspies. I’ve noticed this online and in real life. There is a genuine detection of autism neurotypicals seem to have

 

[FeatherBird]

Neurotypicals have a very quick sense on detecting aspies. I’ve noticed this online and in real life. There is a genuine detection of autism neurotypicals seem to have

Perhaps it depends on how severe your case is.

I only recall one person in real life (other than counselors and immediate family members) suggesting they think I have ASD.

 

[StoneCold Aspie]

Perhaps it depends on how severe your case is.

I only recall one person in real life (other than counselors and immediate family members) suggesting they think I have ASD.

The thing is a lot of autistic people who tend to socialize or enter social circles just wind up as a punching bags. They are essentially the punching bags of their “friend group”

 

[FeatherBird]

The thing is a lot of autistic people who tend to socialize or enter social circles just wind up as a punching bags. They are essentially the punching bags of their “friend group”

Come to think of it, you're right.

While I'm perhaps NT-passing enough the average person won't suspect ASD, I'm at least strange enough I end up as a punching bag.

Spence from King of Queens is a classic example of a punching bag (whether Spence has ASD, not sure...he could go either way)

 

[Xinyta]

Neurotypicals have a very quick sense on detecting aspies. I’ve noticed this online and in real life. There is a genuine detection of autism neurotypicals seem to have

The thing is a lot of autistic people who tend to socialize or enter social circles just wind up as a punching bags. They are essentially the punching bags of their “friend group”

Come to think of it, you're right.

While I'm perhaps NT-passing enough the average person won't suspect ASD, I'm at least strange enough I end up as a punching bag.

Spence from King of Queens is a classic example of a punching bag (whether Spence has ASD, not sure...he could go either way)

I think this is more attributed to the fact that NTs are far more keenly aware of abnormalities in socail cues and etiquette. While this will not always tip off NTs to people being NDs. They will see it as strange and will either question it, mock it, or disengage from it.

It's an unfortunate aspect of being on the spectrum. But it's manageable. As the awkwardness can be minimized with practice.

 

[Ivi]

I'm the same that I never want to be annoying or offensive. I leave a lot of my emotions, feelings and thoughts unexpressed, because I'm always scared that I might accidentally offend someone, and also typically they then offend me back on purpose. This happens a lot. And people offend each other for absolutely no reasons that are their business at all. Often the reason to offend is even "just to offend". This tells something dark about the human nature. I see animals as higher beings in that sense. I wish the world was so different.
I have been crying now for weeks almost non-stop because of certain offenses I witnessed back then, and also experienced at the same time for trying to defend the persons. They were only small innocent children playing in a park, being offended by grown boys, for their different skin color. This situation hurt me a lot. I'm often offended for being Muslim (ie. a traitor) and generally having a different worldview.
I have been very depressed during my menopausal years, and become more sensitive to unnecessary offensive behavior than I used to be. My bipolar disorder got worse during the menopausal years, as is usual. I ruminate a lot nowadays for offenses, it lasts typically at least for weeks. I try to focus on my special interests, but I have been unable to do that lately due to the non-stop crying and ruminating. I wish I had a place where I would feel safe from harm, where it would be easy to go to, where there would be kind and genuine people only. I know people like that, but I don't see them that often. I hope to see them soon again, I really need some positivity right now. Just to talk with, to calm myself in a good company. Now my depression/bipolar has gotten so bad that I'm even happy/relieved about my possible melanoma. I mean that I haven't gotten the results yet, but I'm very tired of the ugliness around, so I'm hopeful. I imagine Paradise to be offense-free. I imagine meeting all my loved ones that died during the years, especially my late fiancé. This gives me a lot of comfort. I have been arranging my practical things just in case, and simply crying about the offensive people lately. But luckily I have good medications right now for my anxiety and bipolar. They help a bit, except for the crying, insomnia, and the physical hurt in the heart.
I believe that people who enjoy hurting others will try to offend me for this - what would be better than having someone cry for weeks for your offensive words, right? I have known this type of people who enjoy making others hurt. They are usually also on the personality disorder spectrum. So yes I'm ready to face the new offenders as always. It's just the world, it's how the human world works. It's just the life of the dunya, full of tests, a short phase.

 

[Shamar]

The thing is a lot of autistic people who tend to socialize or enter social circles just wind up as a punching bags. They are essentially the punching bags of their “friend group”

Yes. And I was willingly their (usually metaphorical or emotional, sometimes more physical) punching bag just to have the ILLUSION of friends. Otherwise, I was forced to admit I was alone, and that was worse than being a punching bag.

 

[Boogs]

I'd imagine this is much more down to negative life experiences than congenital cognitive conditions. But the cognitive conditions lead to it being more likely to have those experiences.
In any group, there'll be a process of dynamic adjustment in the hierarchies of that group, there's a spectrum of 'roles' that need to be filled, from the so-called alpha leaders, down to the bottom layers whose function may be as important to the groups cohesion as are the leaders.

The people generally at the bottom of the pile act as a scapegoat for others, and as a bottom line indicator, a marker for others to measure their progression, etc etc. Even a feelgood for the others and a way to strengthen their inter-group bonding at the expense of the outliers, who'll accept this treatment as their only connection available within the group (it's that, or no group at all).

When allistic's don't intuitively understand autistic comms, they'll likely automatically assign it/them as risky, because they can't evaluate it, and can't engage confidently (unknown outcomes cause anxiety and stress at some level). That tends to create subconscious resentment/dislike/fear or simply uncertainty, and it goes downhill from there (as it appears to me, at least). Humans are evolved to be averse to the unknown as a survival factor. Just as we find it hard to predict them, so they find it hard to predict us.