Does this annoy you too?

[Autistic Yoda]

I didn't bother to vote. It's part of a standard greeting protocol, a simple method of strangers letting each other know that they are friendly and willing to chat. If things like that worry you then I imagine you also have severe social anxiety and struggle to connect with people.

To me this seems to be more the result of poor parenting than anything to do with autism and is perhaps something you should discuss with a therapist.

Is this still your opinion now, considering how many people here have readily agreed with me?

 

[Outdated]

Is this still your opinion now, considering how many people here have readily agreed with me?

It is.

 

[GrownupGirl]

I live in Canada where this is a common thing and just the USA. Although I've heard that in Nova Scotia the traditional greeting is supposed to be, "How's she goin' bye? What's goin' on?" which I would rather yank my own tongue out than say.
Most of the time I don't really care if someone asks "How are you?" and say "Fine". Unless I'm really not fine. Then I feel like a total liar even when I say "fine", because the emotions "leak" into my words.

 

[Suzette]

When attending any event where much handshaking is expected (weddings, conferences, etc.), I always wear an Ace bandage on my right hand. Just try it if you're interested in a get-out-of-handshakes-free ticket. The moment they begin to reach in for a little unnecessary ritual dude-touching, just hold up your fake-injured right hand and shrug. Works every time, and no one will ever think it's weird unless you reveal the trick.

I am polite but I tell everyone "I am pleased to meet you but I prefer not to shake hands."

Most people are startled, some genuinely pleased, but every once in a while there will be a jerk who wants to force it on me. I step back and put my hands behind me. Yes, that person will be offended but Covid has made most people accepting.

Sometimes it's awkward but the moment will be awkward anyway. I may as well get my way out of it.

 

[Cutesie]

When I actually choose to answer honestly, it's usually "terrible". If the other person knows and cares about me, they give me sympathy that I don't necessarily want; I quickly feel guilty for bothering them. If it's an acquaintance, they think that I'm joking. Why do I do it then? There's a Yiddish expression that translates as, "When it hurts, one cries."

 

[grommet]

I think is just a way of greeting, they don't expect you to tell your problems or even say 'fine' you could say 'How are you?' back and it would be ok.

I understand that but I think literally, to me it is a real question and it upsets me every time because the person does not mean it. Those were real words but this time they did not mean anything to the person. Words are always real to me and mean something. I make mistakes but only mistakes, I try to never say things I do not mean.

I do not think it is fair we always have to adjust to them and they never try to be like us so we feel better. Lying feels awful but with NT's I have do it constantly. Even with my doctor. She is a General Practitioner, takes care of my health. She needs to know the truth but she used to frown if I answered honestly when she asked how I was. It made me feel awful but I started lying. Every time I was in the exam room she asks how are things? I lie very time now and say, "Good." She smiles and says, "Good!". It is awful for me.

A few days ago monthly pest control came to my apartment. A member of the building staff came right into my room with them. They never do that. They always stand at the door while the pest control person comes in quickly and leaves. Th staff person was standing right in front of me in my room, my personal space. She looked at me and asked how I was doing. I was in shock. We are not friends. I do not know how she could want to know how I am and how things are going for me. But that is what she said. So I do not know what to say or do. I sat and said nothing. She mumbled a few things and smiled awkwardly.

With autistic people I can say, "Go away now." in person or on the phone and they never act hurt. They always seem calm and understand and go away. I do that for them too.

when I went to in-person autism meetings we would go for a meal together after and the sentences were short and everyone accepted everything everyone said. Where to eat was discussed and it was quick. I remember one time a type of food was chosen one person would not eat so they said they were going home. They were not angry. No passive aggressiveness. They were not pouting like I think an NT person might be. Not criticizing NT's, I am saying this person saw that the restaurant would have food they would not eat, so do not get mad at anyone, make the logical decision. Cannot eat that, will not go, go home, tell people you are leaving. Everyone else was pleasant and instantly accepted that decision.

So nice to be that way. But NT's want to know what you really mean (what I said is what I mean) and if they can convince you to change your feelings and needs and all of it is discussed in non-meaning terms, it is about tone for them but they use real words and I cannot understand and communicate.

The person who could not go to that restuarant realized the decision that had been made meant they could not go so they explained they would go home. Nobody upset. Autistic people I understand. Neurotypical people I do not but they expect me to and I have never had one try to understand me.

Lying feels so bad but I think we have to do it every day because NT make us with their questions they do not mean.

 

[Cutesie]

All autistic people, @grommet, aren't alike. I would be hurt if you said "go away now" to me. My autistic brother would be much more hurt - and he wouldn't quickly forget it. Words do have meaning, and some of the nicer ones (please, excuse me, sorry), while appearing to be extra to certain people, help us understand the true meaning of what is being said. This is especially helpful for those of us who don't pick up on tone and non-verbal language.

 

[grommet]

All autistic people, @grommet, aren't alike. I would be hurt if you said "go away now" to me. My autistic brother would be much more hurt - and he wouldn't quickly forget it. Words do have meaning, and some of the nicer ones (please, excuse me, sorry), while appearing to be extra to certain people, help us understand the true meaning of what is being said. This is especially helpful for those of us who don't pick up on tone and non-verbal language.

I think every person I have said it to understood. I think they knew the feeling. That it was enough or too much and they need to go away so I can be alone. my autistic girlfriend understood and felt the same way. We would talk on the phone and she would just say go away now. I would get off the phone, never mad, I liked that she trusted me enough to be honest.

You have explained it would be a problem for you and you think your brother too. That is hard for me to understand in my head. I always think other autistic people think like I do. I thought we all think like Data from Star Trek. I am not imagining that I think because I went to in-person autism meetings for years and I made friends there and saw them socially outside the meetings and every person seemed to feel okay with "go away now". It is a way of explaining how you need the interaction to stop because it is now too much for you. It is not about the other person. I would not know how to explain it better.

I would not want to hurt you or your brother, that would bother me so much. But communication is something I love about being around other autistic people, we can say in a short way what we mean and people accept it. The only time in my life I did not have to "couch" my language or add flowery words to make it work in some complicated way I ever really understood. Autistic person says "No." or "Yes." very nice, end of sentence, they meant it so I do not have to keep concentrating. Less stress for me and I can treat them better because I know exactly what they want.

With NT's I never know what they really mean or want so I only make mistakes and they are always always mad at me and it seems unfair but I do not speak their language and they use the same words as the ones I use in mine.

I am concerned though, with you telling me about how you and your brother would feel. I do not want to upset anyone and especially never hurt anyone.

 

[Cutesie]

Personally, I am perfectly capable of understanding non-literal word usage, but I can still hate it.

When I say, "Good morning", I am blessing you with a good morning. "Goodbye" means "G-d be with you", and that's what I mean. After saying "See you later", I want to add, "if we're alive and able to talk". (Perhaps frequent suicidal ideation contributes to this one.) I don't consciously have these thoughts every single time, though.

As mentioned previously, I have little problem with terms that are meaningless: hello, hi, hey, yo, alright (when used inanely), okie dokie, etc.

I am bothered by many expletives - because I like clean speech, but also because most of the words have meanings, and are being used out of context.

 

[NB79]

I understand that but I think literally, to me it is a real question and it upsets me every time because the person does not mean it. Those were real words but this time they did not mean anything to the person. Words are always real to me and mean something. I make mistakes but only mistakes, I try to never say things I do not mean.

I do not think it is fair we always have to adjust to them and they never try to be like us so we feel better. Lying feels awful but with NT's I have do it constantly. Even with my doctor. She is a General Practitioner, takes care of my health. She needs to know the truth but she used to frown if I answered honestly when she asked how I was. It made me feel awful but I started lying. Every time I was in the exam room she asks how are things? I lie very time now and say, "Good." She smiles and says, "Good!". It is awful for me.

A few days ago monthly pest control came to my apartment. A member of the building staff came right into my room with them. They never do that. They always stand at the door while the pest control person comes in quickly and leaves. Th staff person was standing right in front of me in my room, my personal space. She looked at me and asked how I was doing. I was in shock. We are not friends. I do not know how she could want to know how I am and how things are going for me. But that is what she said. So I do not know what to say or do. I sat and said nothing. She mumbled a few things and smiled awkwardly.

With autistic people I can say, "Go away now." in person or on the phone and they never act hurt. They always seem calm and understand and go away. I do that for them too.

when I went to in-person autism meetings we would go for a meal together after and the sentences were short and everyone accepted everything everyone said. Where to eat was discussed and it was quick. I remember one time a type of food was chosen one person would not eat so they said they were going home. They were not angry. No passive aggressiveness. They were not pouting like I think an NT person might be. Not criticizing NT's, I am saying this person saw that the restaurant would have food they would not eat, so do not get mad at anyone, make the logical decision. Cannot eat that, will not go, go home, tell people you are leaving. Everyone else was pleasant and instantly accepted that decision.

So nice to be that way. But NT's want to know what you really mean (what I said is what I mean) and if they can convince you to change your feelings and needs and all of it is discussed in non-meaning terms, it is about tone for them but they use real words and I cannot understand and communicate.

The person who could not go to that restuarant realized the decision that had been made meant they could not go so they explained they would go home. Nobody upset. Autistic people I understand. Neurotypical people I do not but they expect me to and I have never had one try to understand me.

Lying feels so bad but I think we have to do it every day because NT make us with their questions they do not mean.

Those mean something, it means 'Hello, i want interaction and to greet you'.

 

[Cutesie]

We would talk on the phone and she would just say go away now. I would get off the phone, never mad, I liked that she trusted me enough to be honest.

I'm not even sure what you mean. If I say "go away now" to you, does it mean that 1) you should go away now or that 2) I want to go away now?

Maybe I've just accepted the NT protocols more than you. I'd either say 1) "Please go away now" or 2) "I need to go away now". Talking in proper English and with manners is important to me. More likely, I'd talk about needing space or wanting to be left alone.

I always think other autistic people think like I do.

Autistic person says "No." or "Yes." very nice, end of sentence, they meant it so I do not have to keep concentrating.

I just don't see it the same way. Our spectrum includes many different types of people. Some of us have a very difficult time with saying "no" or "yes", instead using a lot of disclaimers and roundabout language to get to our point. I see it in myself, in other autistics that I know and in literature about the condition.

I'll add that I am not diagnosed and I question my self-diagnosis often. It is true that I am different in various ways from many autistics, but like I said, it is a spectrum.

 

[thejuice]

The British usually say something non-commital like Not bad, alright I suppose, so so, could be worse, maybe combined with a quiet sigh of resignation lol. If things have gone critical you might get a "had better days"

 

[Misty Avich]

The British usually say something non-commital like Not bad, alright I suppose, so so, could be worse, maybe combined with a quiet sigh of resignation lol. If things have gone critical you might get a "had better days"

We sometimes say "living the dream" too.

 

[Cutesie]

My brother Byron (not ASD) just called. He started the conversation with "Hi. How are you? How are you doing? What's up?" All I answered was "hmmm".

 

[kriss72]

I am polite but I tell everyone "I am pleased to meet you but I prefer not to shake hands."

If I know I'm gonna meet someone for the first time, I have started to write them before hand, that I'm autistic and don't shake hands -last time I tried adding, and I don't make eye contact - it makes it less awkward for both sides - if I don't know I'll meet someone I just shake my hand, like waving to them instead...

 

[thejuice]

We sometimes say "living the dream" too.

Yes! Big meme at the moment..

 

[Suzette]

If I know I'm gonna meet someone for the first time, I have started to write them before hand, that I'm autistic and don't shake hands -last time I tried adding, and I don't make eye contact - it makes it less awkward for both sides - if I don't know I'll meet someone I just shake my hand, like waving to them instead...

I did not know I may be autistic until I was in my 50s. But I am 57 now and claim the well earned title "cranky old crone". This entitles me to simply go about unmasked and live out my true self.

 

[kriss72]

I did not know I may be autistic until I was in my 50s. But I am 57 now and claim the well earned title "cranky old crone". This entitles me to simply go about unmasked and live out my true self.

This made me laugh, I was also diagnosed at 50+, and yeah the age does give some liberties

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I take it as rhetorical, not meant to be answered, So I ignore.

 

[Lemon Zing]

Nobody really asks me that. Women I communicate with are too busy online scrounging for simps to serve as their finsubs.