Has my “time” come so to say?

[Jonn]

“If you don’t love yourself, no one can love you!”, “You need to be confident!”

"Unfortunately", self-esteem is very important.
It makes being rejected, relatively speaking, water off a duck's back.

If you treat the other person with respect, even when they reject you, you maintain your personal integrity, and that is critical when you are going through a bad period.
Trust me.

A wise man once said:
"If I disrespect you, I disrespect myself."

I would suggest ppl put the development/strengthening of their self-esteem/integrity on their priority list.

 

[Markness]

You went to college to find a girlfriend? Most people go to college to earn their degrees instead.

I saw couples on campus and people arranging dates the times I went. My male siblings also dated women while they were in college.

 

[Cryptid]

Generally speaking, people at the uni I attended seemed to pair-up accidentally, and mostly due to mutual interests in class subjects and ancillary activities (i.e., church, clubs, hobbies, volunteer work, et cetera). Such relationships seem to grow stronger and last longer than any "meet-market" pairings.

Yes, sometimes people would pair-up at bars, frat houses, and other dens of vice and debauchery; but those relationships rarely seemed to last long and they often ended dramatically. This likely explains the high number of "meet-market" girlfriends your brother has had over the years.

 

[tree]

https://www.vox.com/even-better/357...irting-offline?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us

 

[Markness]

"Unfortunately", self-esteem is very important.
It makes being rejected, relatively speaking, water off a duck's back.

If you treat the other person with respect, even when they reject you, you maintain your personal integrity, and that is critical when you are going through a bad period.
Trust me.

A wise man once said:
"If I disrespect you, I disrespect myself."

I would suggest ppl put the development/strengthening of their self-esteem/integrity on their priority list.

No, I am not going to let my detractors celebrate.

 

[Jonn]

No, I am not going to let my detractors celebrate.

I don't understand what you mean.

 

[Markness]

I don't understand what you mean.

If I give up wanting a girlfriend, that would mean my detractors have won.

 

[tree]

If I give up wanting a girlfriend, that would mean my detractors have won.

You've said that many times.

I don't see how that's related at all to post #241.

Can you tell me how you figure it is?

 

[jsilver256]

If I give up wanting a girlfriend, that would mean my detractors have won.

That is not what @Jonn is saying, and I don't think that is what the vast majority of people who you think are your "detractors" are saying either.

I'll be blunt. I think you are subconsciously misinterpreting Jonn's words because this interpretation allows you to continue to wallow in misery and not change.

I don't know about the other forum but I am pretty sure 100% of people on this forum want to see you happy, fulfilled, and yes, having a girlfriend.

And, because you are none of those 3 things, that by definition means you have to change.

This isn't about us not liking who you are right now. It's about us realizing that you're clearly miserable and us wanting to help you out. In short, because you are so unhappy in your current state and that is obvious to everyone, your truest detractors, the people who hate you, will be the ones who tell you that you are fine the way you are.

And it is because I am not a detractor, and because my heart aches for you, that I say - stop twisting everyone's words to suit your narrative and own your own life.

 

[Forest Cat]

If I give up wanting a girlfriend, that would mean my detractors have won.

Right now they are sort of winning simply because you allow them to live in your head rent-free. You really should stop thinking about these people. Your life doesn't really have anything to do with them, it's none of their business. You want to have a girlfriend, nothing wrong with that, that's very normal. And what those detractors think about it does not matter. They don't win or lose anything, no matter what you do. But you lose some peace of mind if you continue to care so much what they might think or want.

If you managed to spend the time you use on thinking about detractors, on making improvements in your life instead and working towards goals, I think you would have tremendous personal progress. You spend so much time thinking and worrying about the wrong people. Maybe it's because you suffer from depression but either way it's a shame, you need to use your time better and to stop caring about detractors. I wish you good luck with everything and I hope you meet someone special.

 

[Misty Avich]

You went to college to find a girlfriend? Most people go to college to earn their degrees instead.

I only went to college to make new friends and build confidence. I was never bothered about studying or getting a degree. I just took a work training course for students who didn't get very good grades at school.

 

[Jonn]

I don't see how that's related at all to post #241.

Agreed.
It doesn't.

I was referring to building self-esteem and personal integrity.
That is a good thing whether or not a "detractor" said the same thing.

Allowing "detractors" the power to influence you can be self-destructive.
It can inhibit personal growth.
Think about what is good for you rather than focusing on proving detractors wrong.
Embrace personal power rather than empower external influences, using the context involved.

This is a locus of identity thing.

Ok. But external locus of identity ?​

It’s a concept of human behaviour where one’s actions and identity are shaped up by external factors. The person’s identity being controlled by others.

https://medium.com/@parikansh.ahluwalia/locus-of-identity-54ca2b25bc0d

 

[thejuice]

I don't know if @Markness is okay with me hijacking his thread but I managed to make eye contact with a girl 3 times and mutually smile at the cafe and I still was too scaredy cat to go and talk to her! Stupid negative self talk!

 

[Rodafina]

Stupid negative self talk!

What were you telling yourself?

 

[thejuice]

That im depressed, i wouldnt know what to say because of my brain fog, im a weirdo, shes not interested, it would just end in disaster anyway.

 

[honeytoast]

That is not what @Jonn is saying, and I don't think that is what the vast majority of people who you think are your "detractors" are saying either.

I'll be blunt. I think you are subconsciously misinterpreting Jonn's words because this interpretation allows you to continue to wallow in misery and not change.

I don't know about the other forum but I am pretty sure 100% of people on this forum want to see you happy, fulfilled, and yes, having a girlfriend.

And, because you are none of those 3 things, that by definition means you have to change.

This isn't about us not liking who you are right now. It's about us realizing that you're clearly miserable and us wanting to help you out. In short, because you are so unhappy in your current state and that is obvious to everyone, your truest detractors, the people who hate you, will be the ones who tell you that you are fine the way you are.

And it is because I am not a detractor, and because my heart aches for you, that I say - stop twisting everyone's words to suit your narrative and own your own life.

This got way too long so I spoiler'd it.

From what I witnessed on Wrong Planet (and just lurking old posts that were not deleted), there was general support for Markness getting a girlfriend.

However, I think there was a lot of frustration between Markness and a few members, as he often made multiple posts about not having a girlfriend. Some members would heated at Markness for the same behavior he does here: repeat the same topics, post about not having a girlfriend, "I am turning 3[01234568] years old and I...." ignore advice, make excuses, needing validation to prove the "detractors" wrong. You can find a thread here and see it posted on WP verbatim.

Rarely did I ever see him talk about something else. It was always "I wish I had a girlfriend. My life sucks. Detractors are after me. Living in Central Texas sucks. I need to move. I missed out on milestones. We live in a society, etc." Mods (or the only active mod) would sometimes lock his posts if they happened to be similar. Eventually, he started to post about wanting to leave Wrong Planet, people would ask him to stay, and there was this whole thing about him wanting to go/deciding to stay for a month. There is only so much advice you can give someone, and over time patience for Markness diminished.

After being banned from WP in 2021, he still lurks on there. (how I know: I mentioned wondering where Markness was in a post earlier this year and another member contacted me saying Markness saw my post and asked that member to give me his contact information.) If I recall, he once mentioned in a thread before being banned that he couldn't stop viewing WP despite it fueling negative emotions. I can assume that this is why he continues to lurk. That, and I think he wants to see what the "detractors" are up to - maybe even see if they mention him? - which is unhealthy and obsessive behavior.

I agree with you that Markness wallows in misery and expects instant change. It's almost a routine for Markness as well to make a post like this, get advice/comments, ignore them, bump the thread with another post, and the cycle continues with a whole other post.

I won't discredit the changes he has attempted to do, but more often I've seen him post about how it always goes wrong or it doesn't work out. It's my mother, anxiety, I have no money....at some point, you cannot continue to blame those factors forever. Especially if it has been years and you say the same thing with little to no change. It is never him, it is someone or something else. It is Central Texas. If he is merely venting, then there is nothing wrong with it. However, many of his posts are framed to be asking for help. He expects the perfect answer to his questions that will solve everything instantly. That is never going to happen.

Markness can shift his mindset and go forward with his goals. He is capable of doing that. It requires him to actually try and get out of a pit he is more than able to step out of.

I don't know if @Markness is okay with me hijacking his thread but I managed to make eye contact with a girl 3 times and mutually smile at the cafe and I still was too scaredy cat to go and talk to her! Stupid negative self talk!

Honestly kudos to you for making eye contact. Now you know you can do that for the next time you see a woman. It's just little baby steps Juice, you got this.

 

[Markness]

You've said that many times.

I don't see how that's related at all to post #241.

Can you tell me how you figure it is?

I get the impression that he doesn’t want me to have a girlfriend and he’s even posted that he’s surprised that I have so much stress over the thought.

 

[Markness]

That is not what @Jonn is saying, and I don't think that is what the vast majority of people who you think are your "detractors" are saying either.

I'll be blunt. I think you are subconsciously misinterpreting Jonn's words because this interpretation allows you to continue to wallow in misery and not change.

I don't know about the other forum but I am pretty sure 100% of people on this forum want to see you happy, fulfilled, and yes, having a girlfriend.

And, because you are none of those 3 things, that by definition means you have to change.

This isn't about us not liking who you are right now. It's about us realizing that you're clearly miserable and us wanting to help you out. In short, because you are so unhappy in your current state and that is obvious to everyone, your truest detractors, the people who hate you, will be the ones who tell you that you are fine the way you are.

And it is because I am not a detractor, and because my heart aches for you, that I say - stop twisting everyone's words to suit your narrative and own your own life.

I don’t like being unhappy. It hurts being pushed to the wayside and not being able to join in because what you say will be shrugged off or even mocked. I’ve also made efforts to change my life around and I take it very hard when they don’t go my way. How come? My family are people who often socialize successfully and always have something to show for their efforts. Even when they cause conflicts with other people and cuss them out or even get in fist fights with them, they still get positive attention from those who like them.

I also worry that I am running out of time since I am turning 36 this summer and I’ve actually had people mock me for struggling socially at my age.

 

[jsilver256]

I don’t like being unhappy. It hurts being pushed to the wayside and not being able to join in because what you say will be shrugged off or even mocked. I’ve also made efforts to change my life around and I take it very hard when they don’t go my way. How come? My family are people who often socialize successfully and always have something to show for their efforts. Even when they cause conflicts with other people and cuss them out or even get in fist fights with them, they still get positive attention from those who like them.

I also worry that I am running out of time since I am turning 36 this summer and I’ve actually had people mock me for struggling socially at my age.

I’ll break it down in the most clear terms possible. You want to be unhappy because being unhappy protects your ego and identity.

Break the narrative you’re telling yourself to protect yourself. You are far from the only autistic on this forum. Other males more autistic than you have succeeded. It is a good thing. Because this means you get hope to escape the misery you are in.

You are one of the most miserable, if not the most miserable, people I’ve encountered. You just currently do not hate your misery more than your desire to escape. Please, please. Work up the desire to escape yourself. And I promise, you will find your “detractors” are far fewer than you assume, and in fact, through @honeytoast and @tree and others you’ll find you’ve been loved all along.

But it starts with YOU. Nobody can give you the desire to change.

 

[Jonn]

There is only so much advice you can give someone, and over time patience for Markness diminished.

Do you know what I do in such a situation?

Spoiler

I skip the thread!.
Not rocket surgery.