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Hello, I'm Neia, and I think I might be on the spectrum.

Neia

Neia

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm here because a friend advised me to join a forum so I can ask questions from people who can answer them from experience.

I only started thinking I may be autistic a little while ago. After I began researching anxiety and panic attacks because I was having huge meltdowns.

Youtube suggested some videos of people who were diagnosed with autism late in life, and I watched out of curiosity.
After the very first video I couldn't help but identify myself with this woman who was speaking about her life long suffering.
All I could think was "This is me!".

After some time, and a lot of inner struggle, I finally asked my GP to refer me to a clinic so I can do the tests.
The ones I did online gave me results of 68 out of 72, 45 out of 50 and the one I did in my own language (English is my second language) gave me a result of 44 out of 50 with an empathy level of 20.

I feel overwhelmed by life. Have been feeling more and more overwhelmed with time. I used to be able to cope. But not anymore. That's when the panic attacks started.

Sorry for the long ramble. Can't help it.
 
Welcome! Feel free to ask if you have any specific questions. From what you describe, I can't point either towards autism or against it, since it's very vague. I hope you'll feel comfortable here, there are great and very helpful people in this forum.
 
Sorry for not giving enough information.

I remember as a child, since I was 2 or so, I hated people hugging me or touching me.
I always had the habit of wiggling my fingers and toes. Still have this habit.
Loud noises and some kinds of music (even if not loud) freak me out, make me despair and want to scream at the top of my lungs.
Some textures cause me repulse. If I'm buying clothes or anything I'll have to touch, they can't feel a certain way, but don't ask me what way because I can't describe it. They just feel extremely yucky. If there is the slightest little bump in my clothes, I won't rest until I find it and eliminate it.
Some smells cause me severe headaches or make me angry 🤷🏻‍♀️
I startle very easily. Someone might be standing next to me, and if they talk I'll jump.
My mother used to say I was very stubborn and rude because she'd call for me and I wouldn't answer, even if she was just a couple of feet away from me, I'd ignore her.
I always preferred to play by myself, I still prefer to be alone. It's a lot easier because I don't have to constantly worry if I'm acting the right way, if I'll say something I shouldn't...
If I'm waiting in a line somewhere, I'll be rocking on my feet or"dancing" from one foot to the other. If I'm waiting for the bus I'll be passing back and forth.
I've been called cold, selfish, spoiled, angry looking, lazy, stubborn. All my life I've been called that.
My mother used to say that from speaking so little, one of these days I'd lose my voice, my ability to speak.


These are just a few of the things that come to mind at the moment. I could write a full list. But it'd be very long.
 
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It's not possible to give a diagnosis only over the internet. But what you describe sounds very familiar, and you will find many people with very similar stories here.

Happy to have you!
 
HI @Neia

I love this quote about tests

A joke with some truth to it:​

The willingness to take all or a multitude
of tests may itself be indicative of autism.
We took quite a few of them, in any case

Here is their page with tests - have fun exploring


However, you are most welcome to the Forums!
 
Alexej said:
HI @Neia

I love this quote about tests

A joke with some truth to it:​

The willingness to take all or a multitude
of tests may itself be indicative of autism.
We took quite a few of them, in any case

Here is their page with tests - have fun exploring


However, you are most welcome to the Forums!
Click to expand...
Everyone always thought I was weird, me included, because some of my favourite times at school were when we were being tested. I loved that, and being put in timeout/detention in the library.
 
jsilver256 said:
Welcome. I know it is anxiety-inducing waiting for a diagnosis. But really that is only the first step in a long journey.
Click to expand...
Thank you.
What I find more anxiety-inducing is that my psychologist told me, without any knowledge of my history other than the fact that I have lots of panic attacks, that I can't be autistic.
When I insisted that I want a formal diagnosis, he said that I'm not a doctor, so...

I told him that answers like his are what made me not trust doctors. When I was a child and stopped speaking, my doctor told me to speak with my toys. When I complained with shortness of breath and weesing, another doctor told me that I just wanted to have asthma. Had to wait decades to be diagnosed with asthma, when my lungs finally decided they had had too much.

He still just said that I'm not a doctor and know nothing and should just take the 4 anxiety meds they want me to take.
But those meds don't really help. They make me jittery and jumpy, not calmer. They give me headaches, nausea, dizziness and make me feel like my skin wants to run away from me.

But the panic attacks persist, I still have meltdowns every time I am forced to go to work or get out of my house.

I feel ridiculous sitting in my bed having a tantrum because I don't want to go outside. But I can't help it, can't stop myself.

I used to be able to go out.
I didn't like it, but knew there wasn't much of a choice. So I'd take a deep breath before opening my door and going outside.
Then I'd put on my fake smile and tried to be polite to the neighbours.

I don't feel able to do that anymore. It's too much. I want to tell people to stay away and not to talk to me, to just let me be. But I can't.


Sorry for the rant
 
Neia said:
I told him that answers like his are what made me not trust doctors. When I was a child and stopped speaking, my doctor told me to speak with my toys. When I complained with shortness of breath and weesing, another doctor told me that I just wanted to have asthma. Had to wait decades to be diagnosed with asthma, when my lungs finally decided they had had too much.
Click to expand...
This is also a common issue that many of us have, and a lot of us have adverse reactions to the anti-anxiety medications that doctors just love to hand out like lollies at christmas. Most of them also have egos that won't allow them to admit even the possibility that they might be wrong and they enjoy the feeling of power and control they have over others. And by that statement you can probably see I've been there too. All too often.

Neia said:
I used to be able to go out.
I didn't like it, but knew there wasn't much of a choice. So I'd take a deep breath before opening my door and going outside.
Then I'd put on my fake smile and tried to be polite to the neighbours.

I don't feel able to do that anymore. It's too much. I want to tell people to stay away and not to talk to me, to just let me be. But I can't.
Click to expand...
This is me too. I think part of it comes from age, I'm a very different person today compared to who I was 20 years ago.

www.autismforums.com

Does Autism get Worse as you Age?

As I got in to my 50s my autistic traits seemed to get worse, or more pronounced. Logic tells me that it’s probably just part of the process of getting older. Less energy and less inclination to keep holding up the mask, a little less caring of what others think, grumpy old man syndrome, etc...
www.autismforums.com www.autismforums.com
 
Outdated said:
This is also a common issue that many of us have, and a lot of us have adverse reactions to the anti-anxiety medications that doctors just love to hand out like lollies at christmas. Most of them also have egos that won't allow them to admit even the possibility that they might be wrong and they enjoy the feeling of power and control they have over others. And by that statement you can probably see I've been there too. All too often.


This is me too. I think part of it comes from age, I'm a very different person today compared to who I was 20 years ago.

www.autismforums.com

Does Autism get Worse as you Age?

As I got in to my 50s my autistic traits seemed to get worse, or more pronounced. Logic tells me that it’s probably just part of the process of getting older. Less energy and less inclination to keep holding up the mask, a little less caring of what others think, grumpy old man syndrome, etc...
www.autismforums.com www.autismforums.com
Click to expand...
Thank you.
 
Neia said:
Thank you.
Click to expand...
That was very helpful.
Thank you.

I also go through "flat times". I hate those days because it feels like I can't feel anything. I can't enjoy anything. I just want to lay down and sleep all day and all night.
Funnily enough, those are the days I sleep best 🤷🏻‍♀️ otherwise my insomnia just drives me nuts.
 
I didn't get diagnosed until age 55, although by that time I knew fairly conclusively that I was autistic. Coming to this forum and finding out that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just misunderstood was a huge learning curve. It gave me validation as well as a lot more peace in myself. I hope you can find the same.

As for sleep, mine's been all over the place for the last few years. I'm retired and I don't have to be up at regular hours which is very fortunate. Today I slept from midday till 8:00 pm, who knows what time I'll sleep tomorrow.
 
Outdated said:
I didn't get diagnosed until age 55, although by that time I knew fairly conclusively that I was autistic. Coming to this forum and finding out that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just misunderstood was a huge learning curve. It gave me validation as well as a lot more peace in myself. I hope you can find the same.

As for sleep, mine's been all over the place for the last few years. I'm retired and I don't have to be up at regular hours which is very fortunate. Today I slept from midday till 8:00 pm, who knows what time I'll sleep tomorrow.
Click to expand...

Outdated said:
I didn't get diagnosed until age 55, although by that time I knew fairly conclusively that I was autistic. Coming to this forum and finding out that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm just misunderstood was a huge learning curve. It gave me validation as well as a lot more peace in myself. I hope you can find the same.

As for sleep, mine's been all over the place for the last few years. I'm retired and I don't have to be up at regular hours which is very fortunate. Today I slept from midday till 8:00 pm, who knows what time I'll sleep tomorrow.
Click to expand...
My story is similar never diagnosed figured it out for myself mid fifties.
 
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