Hiding it with alcohol?

[Rodafina]

so she tells me that I need a drink.

Classic enabling. Even though it is made of love, it is dangerous for you. You may have to tell her you need a different kind of love in that moment. Something less deadly.

 

[AspieChris]

Classic enabling. Even though it is made of love, it is dangerous for you. You may have to tell her you need a different kind of love in that moment. Something less deadly.

Yeah. I’m working on that.

Our pattern is that we do everything together. Even if I forgot to get gas in the car. She will get in the car with me and go for a 10 minute trip to fill up the tank. I’m trying to preserve my sanity for the next minute. She’s trying to preserve it for the next day.

It’s difficult to see it as enabling though. If I needed my blood pressure medication, she would tell me to stop what I’m doing and go to the pharmacy. I could have a heart attack at any moment and she wants to avoid that. If I ran out of Prozac, it would be the same conversation. This conversation is about alcohol. So it’s really the same, except TOTALLY different.

She isn’t seeing the “stim” part of this. But she’s trying as hard as she can. She’s my only friend and we’re working on it.

 

[AspieChris]

The weather is really nice here in Los Angeles right now. 70 degrees (Ferenheight) and sunny until 8:00pm. I’m trying to spend more time outside and getting away from drinking to enjoy a tv show with her on the sofa.

 

[Rodafina]

It’s difficult to see it as enabling though.

I understand. Enabling is a very tricky subject, and it is definitely not what most people think where someone in your life is doing a bad thing. It is so much more complicated than that. Enabling is difficult, but important to recognize, because it can be a very sneaky challenge. It is sneaky because it really and truly is disguised as love and caring and understanding.

An enabler is typically someone in your life who loves you so much, has an inkling of understanding of your desperation, and like you, has run out of any ideas that can help but do not prolong an addiction. Essentially, the enabler makes you feel better. A good thing.

But here’s the difficult part…. Feeling better is not what kickstarts sobriety. Unfortunately, when there is some sense to drinking, and there is some comfort in doing it still, things are not bad enough to instigate long lasting change. Sadly, in my experience, long lasting change comes from the absolute dejection and hopelessness that a substance really is helping.

I will never say that a substance doesn’t take care of some of the problem, but for me, it was noticing the abject failure of my substances to do what I needed. It was a loathing toward the substance, and the hatred of my hand that brought them into my body that ultimately stopped me.

When I had people around me who were compassionate and understanding, I would become weak and falter. It was when these people had finally disappeared, and I was completely alone with my substances, for such a long long time, that I could finally recognize the hopelessness in them. There was hope for me. There is always hope for us, the human in the equation. But there is no hope in the drug.

If we do not want the substance any longer, we cannot sustain the belief that it helps, and we cannot be around people who hold that belief, too.

 

[Rodafina]

I want to make sure that I was clear in saying that I don’t think your wife is doing anything wrong. The enabler doesn’t really do anything wrong, it’s just that what they do doesn’t help. And I’m definitely not saying you can’t be around your wife. I know she is a best friend and a great support.

 

[MNAus]

Sorry for not getting back before mate, got a few struggles going on this end.

Yeah, I can imagine your wife does encourage you to have drink. She's probably not got any good answers either so, well, I guess if it gets you both through another day, then you take the option you have. EDIT: That doesn't mean it's healthy or the objectively right thing to do. But I can see why she does it.

I can also imagine you feel you're at the end of your rope, but you've got strength and you've now got a credible path forwards, so not the time for giving up mate. I truly believe that if you can sort out your responses things will really unlock. Like I said, that doesn't mean you can unlearn your ASD stuff, but like the trolley problem you can choose to switch the points and change the response.

I wish (for myself also) that it could change us both into cool, calm, collected people who just effortlessly navigate life, but that's not realistic (for pretty much anyone). I DO think there's a point we can both reach where someone asking something doesn't trigger this kind of response, where we're not second guessing if we screwed up, where we're not living (and perhaps choose to live) our lives like we're playing the Mario Bros Game & Watch. Cutting right back on the alcohol will help to decelerate the stress too, so do take that step.

You're going to need patience though. But you'll be on a positive path which can help calm down the fear and anxiety.

 

[Progster]

What does your wife think about your alcohol consumption? Have you talked to her about wanting to taper off and quit? If not, perhaps think about how she can help you and have a talk with her, one thing being not to encourage you to drink more. Perhaps distract you with an activity you do together or offer you another comfort drink like a mug of hot chocolate. It sounds like she's really supportive and can help you overcome the addiction. If you've already mentioned these, my apologies, it's a long thread.

 

[AspieChris]

She’s aware of everything. How much I’m drinking, and my failed plans for tapering.

The problem is that I have no choice but to go to work at a job that creates stress, drive the freeway in Los Angeles to get there, shop at the grocery store with idiots in line behind me, etc. I have pared my life down to the bare minimum and it’s still too much. Still gotta work, eat, drive. Or I lose my family, house, life.

I feel like a cancer patient and this is my chemotherapy. It might kill me, but the Dr says I’ll be dead in a week without it.

I was on disability for a back injury a few years ago. One day I just lost my desire to drink. It’s just life stress causing me to need relief.

 

[AspieChris]

I’m pretty sure that talking about this is making it worse. Just one more thing to think about.

I’m going to drop off for a while. I’ll check back in when I’m ready. Thank you for all of the advice

 

[MNAus]

I’m pretty sure that talking about this is making it worse. Just one more thing to think about.

I’m going to drop off for a while. I’ll check back in when I’m ready. Thank you for all of the advice

You're the boss. Please don't lose heart though, you've got everything you need to make it to a happier way of living. You just can't fit the pieces together. But, with a bit of help, you will and things will be better.

 

[ra49]

While you rest, I'll say this. First up, you KNOW that it exacerbates things. So if there IS another path, that's surely got to be better, right? That would be a no brainer, surely?

I think a lot of high performing Aspies have work life balance problem. Not traditional ideas of work, like the 9-5, but work as in effort.

A lot of use who weren't diagnosed till later have spent most of our lives compensating for a disability, and that has made us outstandingly good at getting things done. Our brains are like the tool box with a tool for (nearly) every occasion. Got a problem? I'll open up the tool box and sort it out. Whatever it is. Anything. Because that's how we grew up. Our ability to get along depended entirely on working out what the problem was, working out how to fix things, then solving the problem. We were kind of like geocentrists around our heliocentric peers when it came to social norms, etc. Our models needed bewildering levels of energy to work, we maybe even prided ourselves on our talent. We supercharged our ability to cope, to survive, to solve.

But that doesn't work long term. It's tiring and like a tidal wave of tribbles, the small problems just build. But we don't let ourselves off the hook, we rev the brain engine up higher, to just fix things, just fix everything. EVERYTHING. We are playing 5 dimensional whack-a-mole. People come to depend on us, even lean back a little because we're the fixers. But it will kill us. We have to let things fall sometimes. We have to let people fail. We have to say "Nope, it's my hour off, someone else needs to do it." As painful as it might be you have to let others be unhappy and inconvenienced.

The approach you have has brought you spectacularly far, and kudos to you for doing that. But it no longer works. You have to let yourself off the hook.

MNAus, Thank you so much for the sentences I could not form. Your explanation was my life for decades, and like AspieChris, I used alcohol (+ more) to moderate the overexposure and exhaustion for years.

 

[MNAus]

MNAus, Thank you so much for the sentences I could not form. Your explanation was my life for decades, and like AspieChris, I used alcohol (+ more) to moderate the overexposure and exhaustion for years.

Absolutely no problem at all. In fact, thankyou. I'm finding out that I'm not alone. Being able to articulate these things is one thing, but it still feels pretty lonely. Finding out that there are people like you and AspieChris who face the same challenges really helps. Not wishing to hijack OPs thread, but I actually have quite a lot of frustration and regret that things didn't turn out the way I wanted (but I moved those goalposts every time I got close). I turned that inwards as a reflection of my own inability. When I hear I'm not alone it helps, because I understand it wasn't a failure on my part.

 

[AspieChris]

Absolutely no problem at all. In fact, thankyou. I'm finding out that I'm not alone. Being able to articulate these things is one thing, but it still feels pretty lonely. Finding out that there are people like you and AspieChris who face the same challenges really helps. Not wishing to hijack OPs thread, but I actually have quite a lot of frustration and regret that things didn't turn out the way I wanted (but I moved those goalposts every time I got close). I turned that inwards as a reflection of my own inability. When I hear I'm not alone it helps, because I understand it wasn't a failure on my part.

Hijack away brother. I started this thread to start a conversation. You ran with it. Hopefully one of us can keep it alive and help someone else feel less alone.

I’m not doing any better. Lyrica is a bad. I can put away an unbelievable amount of alcohol and not get drunk. No hangover either. No headaches or nausea, even after a liter of gin in 3 hours. I’m not proud or happy about it. But it’s making a tapering plan go to pieces. I have to drink hard and fast to get any relief from the day’s stress. And, unfortunately, the stress comes from things I have absolutely no control over. Work, traffic (Los Angeles), etc. I have no opportunities to relax.

I feel completely screwed. My wife is exhausted watching me unravel.

 

[Rodafina]

I understand. Compassion for you.

 

[AspieChris]

View attachment 105198
I understand. Compassion for you.

It should be a picture of a man drowning inside of that bottle.

It seems that the more I understand about my condition, the more stress I feel and the more I’m drinking. I swear that it was easier to quit the last couple of times because I thought that I was just an a-hole who needed to get his life together. This time it feels like it’s medication and I am scared of tomorrow if I don’t get my pills today. I wish sometimes that everyone around me knew I was on the spectrum, but I didn’t. I know it’s stupid but it’s as if my life would be better if I was far less functioning and didn’t understand.

Life is hard. Harder when everything ALMOST makes sense. Ignorance is bliss right?

 

[Fatamsimth]

Anyone else covering it up with alcohol or ‘other’ mind numbing substances?

I’ve been a person who lives in a NT world for 5 decades. Got a great job, great wife (who understands), awesome child (also an Aspie at 15 years old), and I’m desperately trying to turn off the noise when I get home from work every day. I’ve been doing this off and on for 30years.

This is not a question about addiction, It’s only a question about bad solutions to a problem that has no solution.

It’s not a solution except that it solves a problem that has no solution. Test me for alcohol right now and I’m just a drunk….? Or am I just a desperate man who would rather numb my senses than lose my mind and wind up mumbling to myself until I’m homeless? My family needs me to bring home a paycheck and teach my son to ride a bicycle.

I know that I’m not alone. I’m hoping that there’s someone else that is struggling with a. similar problem.

Whatever your solution might be. I promise you I have tried it and it hasn’t worked. I’m only asking if I’m not alone.

I spent most of my 20s and early 30s drinking to feel normal because I didn't know I had autism. But the drinking got progressively worse as it seemed to take more to feel normal. Was sober for 15 years before realizing I have autism. Drinking is no longer an option for me as it gets out of control fast, but I understand the pressures of working/interacting all day, being used up, and then coming home to endless emotional demands from my family. I am getting better about voicing my needs, but it's a process.

 

[AspieChris]

I think I screwed up by coming to this site. I get too into trying to help others and stop taking care of myself. Then the stress creeps in, but I don’t notice it. Next, I’m falling apart inside…. but I have to hide it. Then I go back to alcohol because it works, but it works so well that I forget how to survive without it. After that, I’m desperate and I can’t imagine a life without my medication.

My appointment with the specialist is October. 4 months. I guess I’ll live until then.

 

[MNAus]

I think I screwed up by coming to this site. I get too into trying to help others and stop taking care of myself. Then the stress creeps in, but I don’t notice it. Next, I’m falling apart inside…. but I have to hide it. Then I go back to alcohol because it works, but it works so well that I forget how to survive without it. After that, I’m desperate and I can’t imagine a life without my medication.

My appointment with the specialist is October. 4 months. I guess I’ll live until then.

Did you mention to them you'd be happy to take cancellations?

 

[Fatamsimth]

I think I screwed up by coming to this site. I get too into trying to help others and stop taking care of myself. Then the stress creeps in, but I don’t notice it. Next, I’m falling apart inside…. but I have to hide it. Then I go back to alcohol because it works, but it works so well that I forget how to survive without it. After that, I’m desperate and I can’t imagine a life without my medication.

My appointment with the specialist is October. 4 months. I guess I’ll live until then.

I couldn't live without it either, but it was definitely going to kill me. Ironic.

 

[AspieChris]

I spent most of my 20s and early 30s drinking to feel normal because I didn't know I had autism. But the drinking got progressively worse as it seemed to take more to feel normal. Was sober for 15 years before realizing I have autism. Drinking is no longer an option for me as it gets out of control fast, but I understand the pressures of working/interacting all day, being used up, and then coming home to endless emotional demands from my family. I am getting better about voicing my needs, but it's a process.

If you don’t mind me asking….How did you quit drinking? AA meetings or just determination?