How to become better at being a woman?

[selena]

Why hasn't anyone pointed out that Little Rascals and Scent of a Woman are two very different movies, and one is definitely nor for kids.

I feel like I'm qualified to respond because I still don't really think of myself as a woman but no longer have people assuming I'm a lesbian, but tbh this thread is sus.

 

[tree]

Hi there! I'm afab but I've never been good at being a woman. I've always been the loudest, most dominant in the room if I'm with other females. I don't have the energy to wear tons of make or use skin care. As a child, I related more to movies like the little rascals and Scent of a Woman, rather than female-led movies with female desires. Other girls have bulled me intensely while growing up and most of the time they scare me. How do I become an actual woman? I'm tired of being a social outcast and want to be accepted. Also, I'm too fat and ugly to be a tomboy so don't come with that suggestion since tomboys can only really be thin and cute

The topic of this thread is your concern that somehow you have failed to be a real woman.

Make up doesn't make a person a woman.
Thin body doesn't make a person a woman.
Being submissive and quiet doesn't make a person a woman.

Those are expectations held by some people, and they have
nothing to do with 'being a woman.'

It looks as if you're holding yourself to non-essential expectations
and feeling less than a person for not meeting the ideals of.......
whoever it is thinks those attributes make a person a real woman.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

You sound like a woman from an old TV show Maude, My wife never wears makeup, no reason to.so do not read to much into that.

 

[Aspychata]

Misery has a great point, this topic just fell off the cliff. And we are all around thinking what happened. It had a promising start. I raised my daughter as a tomboy. She had perfect little stomping black boots, she had a cowboy hat. She played with rocks, dirt, climbed, had a electric racetrack, even had a hot wheels track with little cars whizzing down those orange plastic tracks precariously balancing on whatever. She decided on her clothes, if she wanted to wear pants all the time, it was up to her. And she was whatever weight she wanted to be. But l never equated weight with the tomboy definition. It was more to me, doing maybe not feminine type things, like makeup, your nails, elaborate hairstyles. She was learning desktop publishing in her tweens. She actually did sew, which l was fine with. So l guess tomboy is open to definition.

 

[selena]

Misery has a great point, this topic just fell off the cliff. And we are all around thinking what happened. It had a promising start. I raised my daughter as a tomboy. She had perfect little stomping black boots, she had a cowboy hat. She played with rocks, dirt, climbed, had a electric racetrack, even had a hot wheels track with little cars whizzing down those orange plastic tracks precariously balancing on whatever. She decided on her clothes, if she wanted to wear pants all the time, it was up to her. And she was whatever weight she wanted to be. But l never equated weight with the tomboy definition. It was more to me, doing maybe not feminine type things, like makeup, your nails, elaborate hairstyles. She was learning desktop publishing in her tweens. She actually did sew, which l was fine with. So l guess tomboy is open to definition.

You kept saying "did" and "was." How old is your daughter? If she's still under your care, please stop calling her a tomboy. Jordy was right in that the label is meant to be positive and complimentary, but it's also based on the misogynistic notion that stereotypically feminine traits are blah and thank god you're not like the other girls (which is still an effective way to flatter a girl/woman in a patriarchal society). If there's any doubt of the cis-male validation aspect to the label, note how Jordy also made a point that tomboys must be thin while those who are "chubby" only qualify as lesbians (lol).

And to Rodafina's point, the term is definitely outdated in 2023 when we as a society have a new understanding of genders as a concept. Please, just nobody use it anymore.

I'd written a whole paragraph to illustrate the one-and-a-half-decade-long harmful beliefs that I personally experienced by being the person my family proudly declared was a tomboy (especially in the context that I had no friends who might offer differing perspectives due to autism), but I decided it wasn't necessary to publish it. I will just say that after I removed myself from the place that instilled those beliefs, I've discovered that actually I really like pink, and that putting on nail polish can be relaxing, and that threading my eyebrows for $15 and wearing form-fitting clothes are two battles I'm willing to lose if it means gainful employment.

Still, I feel like there should be a term that's equivalent to "guy" for those of us who are still in the in-between stage. My father is a man, my brother is a guy. My mother is a woman, and I am definitely not there yet.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

There is no right or wrong way to. Just be.

 

[MNAus]

Hi there! I'm afab but I've never been good at being a woman. I've always been the loudest, most dominant in the room if I'm with other females. I don't have the energy to wear tons of make or use skin care. As a child, I related more to movies like the little rascals and Scent of a Woman, rather than female-led movies with female desires. Other girls have bulled me intensely while growing up and most of the time they scare me. How do I become an actual woman? I'm tired of being a social outcast and want to be accepted. Also, I'm too fat and ugly to be a tomboy so don't come with that suggestion since tomboys can only really be thin and cute

That last sentence is where I'm going to start.

Also:

I raised my daughter as a tomboy.

and many other posts on this thread and on this forum (not picking on you Aspychata)

The problem is with the concept of trying to "be" something. You need to let that go if you want any chance of happiness.

It breaks my heart that rather than saying "you know what, we're just going to live, rather than worrying about what category we fit" society has invented MORE categories. And on social media, one of humanity's most soul crushing inventions, we bicker about definitions of gender, as we jostle in the social hierarchy deciding who's in which group. No-one is happier, it's just more fraught. Because the journey ends positively when one lets go of needing to identify based on external terms.

What is driving this pain is your search to fit a group. That's always problematic for young people, but ASDs really are vulnerable to this, because we often feel more comfortable in this sort of "known knowns" space. We tend to like rules, and certainty, and black/white. So things like "I fit a category of one person: me" can feel lonely and nebulous.

Perhaps Tomboys can't be fat, perhaps they can, perhaps some think they can and some think they can't. Whether or not you think that label is relevant or others do or don't doesn't change who you are. I get that it can provide a sense of peace because you have a group where you belong, but it's not real, it's not a group, it's just a label. I know the world puts a LOT of pressure on young people to "discover" themselves, and this sort of angst is the result. Stop, you don't need to actively discover yourself, or identify, or classify. Labelling leads to comparison, which as we all know is the thief of joy.

 

[Aspychata]

Totally agree with you @MNAus
It was important to me to give my daughter the art of playing, whether it was some rocks, or her Little Ponies. Or her scooter or her ice skates. Just give young adults choices so they can discover themselves. Great response.

 

[apolloidolsice]

I'll say it again. I'm afab but I've never been good at being a woman. I've always been the loudest, most dominant in the room if I'm with other females. I don't have the energy to wear tons of make or use skin care. As a child, I related more to movies like the little rascals and Scent of a Woman, rather than female-led movies with female desires. Other girls have bulled me intensely while growing up and most of the time they scare me. How do I become an actual woman? I'm tired of being a social outcast and want to be accepted. Also, I'm too fat and ugly to be a tomboy so don't come with that suggestion since tomboys can only really be thin and cute. I want actual advice that isn't PC garbage from the "fat chicks are hot" lobby. Please just give me advice, i don't care about being myself.

 

[Aspychata]

I guess l want to dip my big toe into the tank filled with piranhas and ask you, please tell me your definition of being a woman. So that everybody can get to it quicker.

 

[Kalinychta]

Being docile and demure and wearing makeup doesn’t make you a woman. Women behave that way because they are taught to behave that way. If you’re extroverted and don’t wear makeup it doesn’t make you any less of a woman.

 

[apolloidolsice]

Being docile and demure and wearing makeup doesn’t make you a woman. Women behave that way because they are taught to behave that way. If you’re extroverted and don’t wear makeup it doesn’t make you any less of a woman.

ok then how do i become a BETTER woman then?

 

[apolloidolsice]

I guess l want to dip my big toe into the tank filled with piranhas and ask you, please tell me your definition of being a woman. So that everybody can get to it quicker.

biology-wise: having female reproductive organs
sociology wise: taking on the nurturing role in relation to others

 

[Kalinychta]

ok then how do i become a BETTER woman then?

You mean a better person? I don’t get it.

 

[apolloidolsice]

You mean a better person? I don’t get it.

*sigh* when did everyone become so PC? alright then how do i become FEMININE, SOCIALLY ACCEPTED woman then?

 

[Kalinychta]

ok then how do i become a BETTER woman then?

I guess if you believe that certain characteristics make a person a woman (which I’ve explained are the result of social conditioning), then you become a “better” woman by taking on the characteristics you believe make a woman a woman. We in the autism community refer to it as masking.

I guess I’m not clear as to why you’re asking how you behave a certain way. You behave a certain way by behaving that way. There’s no mystery to it.

 

[Kalinychta]

*sigh* when did everyone become so PC? alright then how do i become FEMININE, SOCIALLY ACCEPTED woman then?

By DOING it. Why are you asking how to do something when you clearly know what you believe socially-accepted womanhood is? It’s like anything else. If you want to do it, then DO it.

 

[kenaij]

so basically what you are saying is. You asked us a question which we answered. but since you did not like our answers (no matter how true they were) you are asking us again until you find an answer you like. Seems to me you would be better of thinking of an answer yourself

 

[Kalinychta]

So let’s go with the two examples you gave - that you’re loud and you don’t wear makeup or use skin care products. So, stop being loud, start wearing makeup, start using skin care products. If that’s what you believe women do, you become a better woman by doing the things you believe women do.

 

[apolloidolsice]

By DOING it. Why are you asking how to do something when you clearly know what you believe socially-accepted womanhood is? It’s like anything else. If you want to do it, then DO it.

Because i need a guide to become acceptable since I've never been acceptable