Interestingly, my mother thinks my living with her isn’t a dealbreaker with women. I don’t know where she gets this outlook and it might be more control freak-ness.
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I can't let go of wanting a girlfriend
- Thread starter Markness
- Start date
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Let's recall that everyone is different. There are literally billions of women, and each one has different things that they may be seeking in potential partner (if they are seeking one), and each one will also have varying tolerances for different attributes.
And not everything is black-and-white. In general, living with one's parents once someone is past 25 or so is something that may be a concern at face value. And for some, it might be an automatic and immediate dealbreaker "off the bat" (to use a baseball reference). But others may be willing to delve further.
Why is it that someone is living with their parents? In no particular order, potential reasons may include
1. They're caring for their parents.
2. The require care from their parents.
3. Insufficient financial resources to live independently.
4. Saving up money for a downpayment on their own property.
And an attribute that's attractive to one person could be a no-go for another.
In my work, I have seen a number of relationships where a guy was financially dependent on and lived with a gal, so no, it's not an automatic dealbreaker by any means.
That being stated, lack of financial resources to live independently will mean that some will automatically rule you out. But there's still many many fish in the ocean.
Consider also what attributes you have to offer? From colleagues and peers, a guy who helps out in and around the home is considered highly attractive.
I am told I am kind, caring, open minded, and persevering.
My best friend lived with his parents, then his dad died in his 80's then his mother died in her 90's He never married, I even got him a date with my sister once. He was a mechanical genius could fix anything. always had a project on the go in his basement, died a few years ago at 59 he was very private. his family did not know who his friends were, had issues contacting me about his passing.
I am confused by your posts towards me.
So, I like that. I hope you will have your antenna out to identify a shy woman and give her the opportunity to know you. Why am I recommending shy girls? First, it is to atone for the sin of thinking that women fall for jerks when I never acted to give them a choice. Plus, shy women are probably looking for a quirky sensitive man when all she meets are those not her type because men need to make the first move and the quirky sensitive type (and shy) are not very forward.
What made you think I wasn’t interested in shy girls?
I do not think that. Reading about that behavior and what some have said about their shyness and dating, I can't help but think that if you would hit it off with a shy woman and treat her well, you would have a nice companion.
I am sorry but I don’t think love will “find” me. I am 34 and if love hasn’t “found” me yet, when will it ever?
You're probably right.
The place to find love is within yourself.
And it is directed outwardly toward others.
Not a constant wail that it hasn't found you.
When do you make an effort to love anyone, human or otherwise?
I am not saying 'love yourself.'
Although that would be a change from the *I'm such a sad loser* story
you keep telling yourself.
What kindness do you demonstrate to others?
When?
I am not sure you demonstrate much to yourself,
aside from buying books. It was good you allowed yourself
to complete the imitative writing assignment.
I was referring to confidence and self-sufficiency, and many extroverts have both of those traits down quite well. Most people really do not want a codependent relationship.
I should point out that this is not actually what many of us are talking about when offering advice here.
The issue some, including myself, are talking about has nothing to do with disability, and everything to do with a near-total lack of confidence, and his tendency to repeatedly tell himself that he's some sort of failure or whatever.
If he doesnt stop doing that... he wont get anywhere. After all, if you constantly believe you will lose a battle before you even begin the fight, and you keep telling yourself about that... how in the funky heck could you have even a ghost of a chance of winning? You've already defeated yourself when you do that. This is the general concept I'm usually trying to teach (not just to him) and is something I very firmly believe. Due to experience.
I personally have zero interest in romance of any sort, but things like confidence, outlook, and stuff like that is something I'm extremely familiar with. I used to be in his position in a way... incredibly negative about myself and everything around me. I know what it does to someone, I know what it is like... it aint just about romance. So, generally that problem is what I'm targeting in my efforts to assist. I know I'm not alone in that.
Just wanted to clear that up.
Oh yeah, I know.
But there's little point in worrying about other issues interfering with a solution when the path to that solution is already being guarded by freaking Cerberus.
Right now his negativity is so incredibly prevalent that it seems to be corrupting basically everything else, and exacerbating all problems. It's the same thing that used to happen to me... I couldnt even begin to approach the other problems while that one was present.
I have been thinking lately that it is okay to love and not to have that love returned or even known. It is in the kindnesses we share and in not demanding anything in return.
I am unable to let go of wanting to be in a romantic relationship to the point I am psychologically attached to the desire. It’s been this way since 2006 and instead of losing interest in wanting one, it’s only grown stronger. I don’t want to give up because it would feel like the people who called me a loser for not being in a relationship would win. It would also feel like the years of effort would go to waste.
Hey Markness, what would “giving up” on this idea look like? What do you mean by that?
I’m not saying you should give up or suggesting you are unworthy of having a girlfriend. As always, I respect your feelings. Just curious what that would look like.
Why was it better before 2006?
Hi @Markness, so, I’m still a bit new here. I know enough to know this has been something you’ve been struggling with, but not enough to know much else about it. So the good news is, I haven’t heard (much) of your story before. & the bad news is, I haven’t heard much of your story before. (I.e., the costs & benefits analysis on this can go either way.)
So I’m curious. It sounds like you have been trying to change your situation for the past 15+ years. (& remember, I don’t know your story) What have you done in that time to be in a relationship?
I am sympathetic to your plight. Let me tell you a little story.
My stepson was where you are not too long ago. He had dated all the women he could with whom he had gone to high school. He had dated all the girls he met in college. Then, when he became a professional, he dated every single woman he could at his workplace. Finally, out of desperation, he reached out to his buddies and asked if they knew any single women who would be willing to go out on a date with him. Still, he remained single and in despair.
When his dad picked up on this desperation, and that most of his dates were first dates, he asked his son, “what in the world are you saying to these women that you only go out on first dates???” Well, by this point, stepson wasn’t interested in a girlfriend—he was wife shopping! (I do hope someone sees the humor in his predicament.) We couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t connecting the dots that in order to get to having a wife, you need to start with a girlfriend! So my husband asked a him a very reasonable question: “what in the world are you saying to these women where they they don’t want to go out with you on a second date?”
“Nothing dad,” his son replied confidently. “I know what I’m looking for. I choose not to go back out with them. Before dinner is over, I take out this list— (it was in his pocket— my husband just shook his head) — and I ask her, what are her likes, dislikes? What’s her idea of marriage, how many kids she’d like. If she doesn’t fit what I’m looking for, she’s out.” Okay, this was a very interesting but nonproductive approach! (And very self-centered, too!) So his dad had a long talk with him that this isn’t how you go about finding a wife, much less a girlfriend. Stepson was in his late twenties by then.
Stepson didn’t want a girlfriend. He wanted a wife and a family to love and to care for. And this desire consumed him. He thought about it all the time, it never left, and he was having some pretty negative thoughts about his worthiness and ability to find this perfect person.
One thing my husband told his son was that he had to pray. That he had to turn it over to God. Every time that consuming fear that he’d never find this person struck, that he should say (in effect—it’s been a few years), “God, this is so much bigger than me. I know you have a wife out there for me. Please help me be patient and rely on your timing, not mine.”
He came out to visit us about a year after that. He was calm, relaxed even, and intensely glued to his phone. He had signed up for a dating app (we groaned upon hearing that!) and had been texting a girl for about three months by then. He had never met her, and I don’t know if they had even talked yet. He said, “I’m thinking of asking her out.” Well, she was on the app because her mother made her promise she would make one attempt a year to go on a date—and she was just as jaded as him about the prospects of finding mr. right.
They’ve been married now for 7 or 8 years. (He was, early 30s by then?) They have a beautiful little girl. She’s got some developmental disabilities—echolalia (spelling?), avoids eye contact, flaps her hands—but somehow she not on the spectrum. (Knowing him, he’s avoiding the label.)
He’s the perfect father. To keep her in the regular classroom, he sits down with her every day, even throughout summer, and does school work or exercises from the occupational therapist to help her keep up and fit in. He loves being both a husband and a dad.
@Markness , just to say, there is hope for you. Ms. Right is out there, and you’ll find her. It helps to not come off too obsessive about finding her but I’m going to give a plug that being obsessive about your spouse might not be a bad thing. I went through a major illness and my husband went through it with me—the misdiagnoses, the doctors saying there was nothing wrong, and the surgeon who finally did the “exploratory “ surgery who had to bring in a second surgeon and kept me under twice as long as scheduled—and my husband took care of me throughout it. If he wasn’t wired as intensely as he is, maybe I would have had to go through those things by myself. I’m grateful I didn’t go through that alone. If my stepson wasn’t as obsessed as he is about his family, would that little girl have someone who would, day in and day out, go over her pronunciation exercises and help her by sitting down with her and at her own pace to see that she does her homework?
There is another word, a positive word, for character traits that some people find to be stubborn or obsessive, and that word is tenacious. I suspect that someday you will be an excellent husband and dad. Just keep holding onto the dream and seek out doing the things that will help you do so, like keeping a stable job, developing your hobbies and interests, and developing a positive, healthy outlook on life so that you will have the room to invite someone else into your world.
So I’m curious. It sounds like you have been trying to change your situation for the past 15+ years. (& remember, I don’t know your story) What have you done in that time to be in a relationship?
I am sympathetic to your plight. Let me tell you a little story.
My stepson was where you are not too long ago. He had dated all the women he could with whom he had gone to high school. He had dated all the girls he met in college. Then, when he became a professional, he dated every single woman he could at his workplace. Finally, out of desperation, he reached out to his buddies and asked if they knew any single women who would be willing to go out on a date with him. Still, he remained single and in despair.
When his dad picked up on this desperation, and that most of his dates were first dates, he asked his son, “what in the world are you saying to these women that you only go out on first dates???” Well, by this point, stepson wasn’t interested in a girlfriend—he was wife shopping! (I do hope someone sees the humor in his predicament.) We couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t connecting the dots that in order to get to having a wife, you need to start with a girlfriend! So my husband asked a him a very reasonable question: “what in the world are you saying to these women where they they don’t want to go out with you on a second date?”
“Nothing dad,” his son replied confidently. “I know what I’m looking for. I choose not to go back out with them. Before dinner is over, I take out this list— (it was in his pocket— my husband just shook his head) — and I ask her, what are her likes, dislikes? What’s her idea of marriage, how many kids she’d like. If she doesn’t fit what I’m looking for, she’s out.” Okay, this was a very interesting but nonproductive approach! (And very self-centered, too!) So his dad had a long talk with him that this isn’t how you go about finding a wife, much less a girlfriend. Stepson was in his late twenties by then.
Stepson didn’t want a girlfriend. He wanted a wife and a family to love and to care for. And this desire consumed him. He thought about it all the time, it never left, and he was having some pretty negative thoughts about his worthiness and ability to find this perfect person.
One thing my husband told his son was that he had to pray. That he had to turn it over to God. Every time that consuming fear that he’d never find this person struck, that he should say (in effect—it’s been a few years), “God, this is so much bigger than me. I know you have a wife out there for me. Please help me be patient and rely on your timing, not mine.”
He came out to visit us about a year after that. He was calm, relaxed even, and intensely glued to his phone. He had signed up for a dating app (we groaned upon hearing that!) and had been texting a girl for about three months by then. He had never met her, and I don’t know if they had even talked yet. He said, “I’m thinking of asking her out.” Well, she was on the app because her mother made her promise she would make one attempt a year to go on a date—and she was just as jaded as him about the prospects of finding mr. right.
They’ve been married now for 7 or 8 years. (He was, early 30s by then?) They have a beautiful little girl. She’s got some developmental disabilities—echolalia (spelling?), avoids eye contact, flaps her hands—but somehow she not on the spectrum. (Knowing him, he’s avoiding the label.)
He’s the perfect father. To keep her in the regular classroom, he sits down with her every day, even throughout summer, and does school work or exercises from the occupational therapist to help her keep up and fit in. He loves being both a husband and a dad.
@Markness , just to say, there is hope for you. Ms. Right is out there, and you’ll find her. It helps to not come off too obsessive about finding her but I’m going to give a plug that being obsessive about your spouse might not be a bad thing. I went through a major illness and my husband went through it with me—the misdiagnoses, the doctors saying there was nothing wrong, and the surgeon who finally did the “exploratory “ surgery who had to bring in a second surgeon and kept me under twice as long as scheduled—and my husband took care of me throughout it. If he wasn’t wired as intensely as he is, maybe I would have had to go through those things by myself. I’m grateful I didn’t go through that alone. If my stepson wasn’t as obsessed as he is about his family, would that little girl have someone who would, day in and day out, go over her pronunciation exercises and help her by sitting down with her and at her own pace to see that she does her homework?
There is another word, a positive word, for character traits that some people find to be stubborn or obsessive, and that word is tenacious. I suspect that someday you will be an excellent husband and dad. Just keep holding onto the dream and seek out doing the things that will help you do so, like keeping a stable job, developing your hobbies and interests, and developing a positive, healthy outlook on life so that you will have the room to invite someone else into your world.
It would look like living the rest of my life looking unhappy and suffering internally until I die.
I had hope and didn’t know about gender roles, dating expectations, and how much more stressful socialization was going to become.
Man, I wish I could sell you on online dating. It's full of people like us who don't want to socialize, lol
I'm pretty sure my wife contacted me because we both 'swiped up' or something really silly. But it worked
I'm pretty sure my wife contacted me because we both 'swiped up' or something really silly. But it worked
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