I see a trend- NTs and non NTs

[spaceman]

At least we are experts on the subject of being ourselves. Changing ourselves is a lot trickier.

I just count my self lucky to have found one lady to date then marry me.

Same here. My girlfriend is the best thing that's happened to me

 

[ladybug]

In a general statement, men do not seek help like women do seek help.

Personally, I've only come here to try and get answers... to try and anticipate what the 'code' messages my partner was trying to communicate, or not, to me.... I think some people like to know how their partner is wired.... is a learning thing for me... if my partner had any kind of life long condition or pattern... If I was deeply involved enough with them, id want to know as much as I could.... I find that some here are more helpful in this respect than others..... some make it seem like it's your 'club' and an NT- no matter who/what their background will never 'grasp' what it's like to be an Aspie... but from this side, I can tell you, the things that seem logical/natural/comfortable to you can appear hostile/puzzling/awkward for someone trying to be a part of their life... trying to make them feel understood/comfortable/relaxed by learning all you can in every aspect of their lives.... so I'll apologise in advance if I ask too many questions or post too many threads....

 

[Keigan]

Personally, I've only come here to try and get answers... to try and anticipate what the 'code' messages my partner was trying to communicate, or not, to me.... I think some people like to know how their partner is wired.... is a learning thing for me... if my partner had any kind of life long condition or pattern... If I was deeply involved enough with them, id want to know as much as I could.... I find that some here are more helpful in this respect than others..... some make it seem like it's your 'club' and an NT- no matter who/what their background will never 'grasp' what it's like to be an Aspie... but from this side, I can tell you, the things that seem logical/natural/comfortable to you can appear hostile/puzzling/awkward for someone trying to be a part of their life... trying to make them feel understood/comfortable/relaxed by learning all you can in every aspect of their lives.... so I'll apologise in advance if I ask too many questions or post too many threads....

On the board always ask questions and always seek to understand.

You also bring forth a reminder that there are people from all over the world, and all over the neurologies. From my observations we are all welcome and we welcome all.

There are many who want to understand themselves or their partner better, the one common thing is that everyone seeks acceptance.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Winner winner chicken dinner!!!

I'm living the last paragraph you wrote. My married life is a nightmare and I have no idea what to do... However outside my married life, my life is actually reasonably good. Sure there are people who don't understand my weirdness because they don't know I am ASD, or maybe not even know enough about it to figure anything out...

My wife however is a different story. She knows all about it and was/still is furious over my diagnosis. She refuses to accept that I cant change to be who she demands I have to be for her. My once allowed loyal, cute, goofy, shy guy personality went out the door with her when that ring went on her hand. I have put up with this for a long time now. I put up with it for her, more than me.

She has always refused to become anything. She hates anything that doesn't encircle her being served in some way. If I walk away... I will be seen as the most unthinkable monster in all of history. She already does a good job of making me look stupid, but it crushes me to know that at this point she hates me. I'm just a free ride through life at this point, and she just takes what she can from it, while spewing her hate toward me over it. Beyond that I truly think she actually likes being angry. She says I messed her life up.

So yes, I truly think women pick guys like us because they see, or think we can be manipulated into what they need us to be... I don't think guys do that as much. I couldn't imagine myself demanding anyone (including my wife) changing to fit my needs. Not ever. I would never reach into the core of a person and demand that changes be made down deep in their being. I am intelligent enough to know thats probably not going to happen, and if it did... That wouldn't even be who you fell in love with.

Good analysis Kiegan : )

I do not need to say the obvious Chance, but I will: You deserve much better than her. If there is any way to get her out of your life legally, I would go for it. If you could withstand her this long, without being incarcerated or institutionalized, you will have so much peace and happiness without her compared to what you have now. Tons of nicer women would really appreciate you, if you ever wanted to try a relationship again. The only worry of you leaving first, instead of her, is I worry she is some psycho. Maybe it is worth the risk. I hope things work out for you soon, so as you can really enjoy life instead of just surviving in that environment.

 

[Full Steam]

I do not need to say the obvious Chance, but I will: You deserve much better than her. If there is any way to get her out of your life legally, I would go for it. If you could withstand her this long, without being incarcerated or institutionalized, you will have so much peace and happiness without her compared to what you have now. Tons of nicer women would really appreciate you, if you ever wanted to try a relationship again. The only worry of you leaving first, instead of her, is I worry she is some psycho. Maybe it is worth the risk. I hope things work out for you soon, so as you can really enjoy life instead of just surviving in that environment.

I was in a relationship like that for a few years.

It was utterly toxic for me, but it was also extremely difficult to leave, but leaving was the best thing I could have done.

I think it hard if you like things to stay the same, and there was a lot of fear in leaving as I think with hindsight the lost of the slight support she gave me was a bit scary.

But as with anything, it started with a decision, and the decision became a plan and the plan got executed.

Within days I had friends, relatives, and acquaintances congratulating me for "getting rid of that *****".

 

[Chance]

I do not need to say the obvious Chance, but I will: You deserve much better than her. If there is any way to get her out of your life legally, I would go for it. If you could withstand her this long, without being incarcerated or institutionalized, you will have so much peace and happiness without her compared to what you have now. Tons of nicer women would really appreciate you, if you ever wanted to try a relationship again. The only worry of you leaving first, instead of her, is I worry she is some psycho. Maybe it is worth the risk. I hope things work out for you soon, so as you can really enjoy life instead of just surviving in that environment.

Thank you... I will be okay. I always am. I have been getting bolder and bolder in just flat out saying this isn't working out well. We both know this isn't working. I'm not really even living in my own home for the most part. That seems to be a trend in my life since I was born... speaking of trends.

I will never say its all her. I'm no saint. I'm the ASD freak. She would do great with an NT Banker or Lawyer, or Psychiatrist... Uh Humm. I am trying to be nice.

Seriously, I do deeply care for people, even mean people. I am way beyond too loyal, because I will stay (just like I have) if only to honor my promise. However, once I do get past this, no more for me.

I'm good with just boring myself to death for the rest of my life. Sadly at this point, I dream of that freedom to go and explore and just be me when I get home. Its about all I think about. I would rather have that than a million bucks and a super model at this point. I need a Genie and 1 wish, or just the guts to do what would be the unthinkable for me and legally end it. I will, but I'm still hashing things out. I don't want to crush her, make life hard for her, or be filled with guilt instead of freedom. Maybe she will find that banker in the mean time... : )

 

[Chance]

I was in a relationship like that for a few years.

It was utterly toxic for me, but it was also extremely difficult to leave, but leaving was the best thing I could have done.

I think it hard if you like things to stay the same, and there was a lot of fear in leaving as I think with hindsight the lost of the slight support she gave me was a bit scary.

But as with anything, it started with a decision, and the decision became a plan and the plan got executed.

Within days I had friends, relatives, and acquaintances congratulating me for "getting rid of that *****".

Send me some of what you have! : )

 

[Chance]

I stay out of those threads mostly.

I've been in "I want you to change" relationships and they suck, especially if your undiagnosed and you try to change.

I would suspect, though, that a lot of men would be more accepting of quirks.

The biggest "flaw" my neurotic girlfriends saw in me was a lack of romance, which seems pretty common.

Most men I know would not see that as a bad thing.

Also too much time in self driven pursuits, especially video games.

Most men I know would be in love by that point.

I hate to admit it, but I'm about as romantic as a rock... Its the SPD... The touching and stuff. I just get so focused on dealing with that... That inside I am honestly about to freak out. I make it through but oh God what a nightmare it is for me. Plus I have to hide all of it and its very hard to do that. So I go freak out in the shower immediately after.

 

[OrSomething]

I don't think this trend is based on any particular stereotypical trait of men or women. I think it's just because, as someone else said, men are diagnosed with Asperger's more frequently than women.

 

[JDartistic]

...If I walk away... I will be seen as the most unthinkable monster in all of history. She already does a good job of making me look stupid, but it crushes me to know that at this point she hates me. I'm just a free ride through life at this point, and she just takes what she can from it, while spewing her hate toward me over it. Beyond that I truly think she actually likes being angry. She says I messed her life up.
Good analysis Kiegan : )

So sad to read this. It sounds like you are very unhappy and that your wife is using you. I'm a big advocate for divorce. It's not easy to go through, but life is too short to remain in an unhappy marriage. :-(

 

[Chance]

So sad to read this. It sounds like you are very unhappy and that your wife is using you. I'm a big advocate for divorce. It's not easy to go through, but life is too short to remain in an unhappy marriage. :-(

It makes me sad to, because thats not what I want. I would change for her if I could.

 

[Chance]

I don't think this trend is based on any particular stereotypical trait of men or women. I think it's just because, as someone else said, men are diagnosed with Asperger's more frequently than women.

I also think in the case of women... Its not something they intend to do... I don't think its always this malicious intent. I actually think at first its maybe the motherly instinct and somewhere it gets all twisted up sometimes. I'm sure there are MANY NT/AS/ASD relationships that are wonderful... But simple fact of how different we are is going to be a challenge even for the strongest of people.

 

[JDartistic]

I think if anyone is inquiring, it's probably a good thing, b/c hopefully they are trying to make the relationship work. I'm inclined to say it's not so much a male/female thing, but perhaps women are more inquisitive and emotionally flexible, too. Granted, I'm not saying men aren't, but I know myself and as a woman, I do tend to research my partner's mental health issues for a better understanding. I'll add that men often prey on autistic women, so there could be some "primal" instinct in men that they already understand autism and don't need to study it further.

I don't know. I'm probably rambling a bit here, but I wonder if it's not a gender thing but more so an instinctual thing that BOTH men and women are capable of preying on autistic peeps, either a man for forced sex against an autistic women, or perhaps a women for a relationship with a autistic man so she can easily manipulate him.

I don't know...just rambling...

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Thank you... I will be okay. I always am. I have been getting bolder and bolder in just flat out saying this isn't working out well. We both know this isn't working. I'm not really even living in my own home for the most part. That seems to be a trend in my life since I was born... speaking of trends.

I will never say its all her. I'm no saint. I'm the ASD freak. She would do great with an NT Banker or Lawyer, or Psychiatrist... Uh Humm. I am trying to be nice.

Seriously, I do deeply care for people, even mean people. I am way beyond too loyal, because I will stay (just like I have) if only to honor my promise. However, once I do get past this, no more for me.

I'm good with just boring myself to death for the rest of my life. Sadly at this point, I dream of that freedom to go and explore and just be me when I get home. Its about all I think about. I would rather have that than a million bucks and a super model at this point. I need a Genie and 1 wish, or just the guts to do what would be the unthinkable for me and legally end it. I will, but I'm still hashing things out. I don't want to crush her, make life hard for her, or be filled with guilt instead of freedom. Maybe she will find that banker in the mean time... : )

It seems like the best case scenario is if she moves on sooner after dreaming of her romantic outgoing soap opera guy to sweep her away. That would solve a lot. And yes Chance, very shy or quiet persons with their own severe anxieties or other issues can find much peace and happiness alone, with the right attitude, or some support system, even if just from online others.

I lived alone for most of twenty years, after high school, through my college years and through the job failure after job failure years, and before getting married eleven years ago. I gained much of my strength back by being alone, and talking online, after the first eighteen years of trauma, and I started to see life as often so fun and relaxing, as I could do what I wanted, when I wanted.

The feeling of freedom offsetted my times of loneliness, and my severe social dysfunction. So, I have no doubt should you ever live alone one day, you would be quite fine, too. If anything, you seem more functional than I, at least in terms of work, and ability to put up with that home c..p, despite your even worse bad upbringing. That means you have lots of strength. I would be able to tolerate only so much critiques, and attempts to change me, and I would tell her, "If you do not like it, go find another, as I am not going to change." But, I likely would then bolt, if it persisted. Luckily my wife does not resort to critiques and changing me.

 

[megacomic]

NT men are generally less demanding of their partner than NT women. Not to sound sexist but NT women are complicated. They never say what they mean and hope you magically catch on when something is bothering them. Aspie women like Aspie and NT men tend to be more blunt and direct for the most part. But this is also a generalization.

 

[Full Steam]

Send me some of what you have! : )

Honestly I dithered for years, and only left after talking to friends who helped make my mind up. If it's bad and it's never going to get better you have to leave for both your sakes.

Once I'd made the decision it was written in stone - no going back, just let it all play out.

I'm very stubborn, which probably helps.

After the break up she visited and very deliberately tried to use sex to get back together. I was only 22 so that was an easy target and we did end up in bed, but afterwards we were still broken up in my mind.

Very messy situation followed as you can imagine. Avoid if at all possible.

 

[megacomic]

Winner winner chicken dinner!!!

I'm living the last paragraph you wrote. My married life is a nightmare and I have no idea what to do... However outside my married life, my life is actually reasonably good. Sure there are people who don't understand my weirdness because they don't know I am ASD, or maybe not even know enough about it to figure anything out...

My wife however is a different story. She knows all about it and was/still is furious over my diagnosis. She refuses to accept that I cant change to be who she demands I have to be for her. My once allowed loyal, cute, goofy, shy guy personality went out the door with her when that ring went on her hand. I have put up with this for a long time now. I put up with it for her, more than me.

She has always refused to become anything. She hates anything that doesn't encircle her being served in some way. If I walk away... I will be seen as the most unthinkable monster in all of history. She already does a good job of making me look stupid, but it crushes me to know that at this point she hates me. I'm just a free ride through life at this point, and she just takes what she can from it, while spewing her hate toward me over it. Beyond that I truly think she actually likes being angry. She says I messed her life up.

So yes, I truly think women pick guys like us because they see, or think we can be manipulated into what they need us to be... I don't think guys do that as much. I couldn't imagine myself demanding anyone (including my wife) changing to fit my needs. Not ever. I would never reach into the core of a person and demand that changes be made down deep in their being. I am intelligent enough to know thats probably not going to happen, and if it did... That wouldn't even be who you fell in love with.

Good analysis Kiegan : )

That's why I'm afraid of marriage and dating. It's hard to imagine someone loving me for me if the world flat out says we're deficient. Some women just like a pet project so they see us as so broken misunderstood eccentric genius they saw on TV and think they can housebreak us. But the novelty wears off. In many cases they don't love you they love the idea of you. Im sorry to hear that you are suffering like that. My mother treated me the exact same way when I was growing up then I didn't talk to her for 10 years and then she changed.

 

[Chance]

That's why I'm afraid of marriage and dating. It's hard to imagine someone loving me for me if the world flat out says we're deficient. Some women just like a pet project so they see us as so broken misunderstood eccentric genius they saw on TV and think they can housebreak us. But the novelty wears off. In many cases they don't love you they love the idea of you. Im sorry to hear that you are suffering like that. My mother treated me the exact same way when I was growing up then I didn't talk to her for 10 years and then she changed.

Yeah, once you find out your a failed project... it makes me feel pretty stupid. I wanna say I knew it was to good to be true from the start...
I was just so wrapped up in someone seeming to care about me, I didn't care I guess. Hard lesson to learn, but this is life. It's not some life ending disease. It either crushes us, or forces us to grow..

I'm gonna grow and eventually put all this behind me, and then there will be the next chapter to deal with. Its all good. It hurts but this world is a tuff place. We have to live, and this is part of doing just that. : )

 

[Chance]

NT men are generally less demanding of their partner than NT women. Not to sound sexist but NT women are complicated. They never say what they mean and hope you magically catch on when something is bothering them. Aspie women like Aspie and NT men tend to be more blunt and direct for the most part. But this is also a generalization.

I don't see it as sexist. To me all people are hard to read. I suck at the guessing game. She knows this... and yet uses it as a form of communication that I have never understood.

Just say what you mean and mean what you say... Sure in a playful situation I get that it can be fun, even if it flies right over my head.. . But to get angry at me for not understanding this foggy non-verbal expectation. I don't get it, I probably never will. It's not that I'm stupid... it's just not logical to guess at something I don't even notice most often.

And then to compare me to some exceptionally fortunate NT male who is romancing his trophy wife on vacations and cruises, and shoving images of their million dollar homes and stuff in my face...

In my case I am tangled up in a situation of my wife wanting me to keep up with the Jones's. In my ASD mind that is pure insanity.

I started seeing I will never be enough and not to ever slam NT's but they tend to have a mindset of get all you can. I have never wanted that. We have very nice stuff, but it's just stuff and I don't see the need in getting more and more and more to never be happy with the treasures you already have.

At this point... I start to question who is actually messed up?
Sure I struggle with and NT based reality, but who says that is wrong?
Just a thought, but to any NT's please don't be insulted. I just don't understand. : )

 

[megacomic]

I don't see it as sexist. To me all people are hard to read. I suck at the guessing game. She knows this... and yet uses it as a form of communication that I have never understood.

Just say what you mean and mean what you say... Sure in a playful situation I get that it can be fun, even if it flies right over my head.. . But to get angry at me for not understanding this foggy non-verbal expectation. I don't get it, I probably never will. It's not that I'm stupid... it's just not logical to guess at something I don't even notice most often.

And then to compare me to some exceptionally fortunate NT male who is romancing his trophy wife on vacations and cruises, and shoving images of their million dollar homes and stuff in my face...

In my case I am tangled up in a situation of my wife wanting me to keep up with the Jones's. In my ASD mind that is pure insanity.

I started seeing I will never be enough and not to ever slam NT's but they tend to have a mindset of get all you can. I have never wanted that. We have very nice stuff, but it's just stuff and I don't see the need in getting more and more and more to never be happy with the treasures you already have.

At this point... I start to question who is actually messed up?
Sure I struggle with and NT based reality, but who says that is wrong?
Just a thought, but to any NT's please don't be insulted. I just don't understand. : )

Comparison is the killer of joy. Someone will always have it better than you so why worry about what someone else has. I always say I like the things already have but if some new things come and some old things go well that's fine too.