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Incapable Of Dating

I recently took an active interest in self help and dating advice after a break up. An ex had once raised the idea of me having abandonment issues. While healing I explored this concept. I eventually found a website page that was highly useful, enlightening, and educational. I was able to apply concepts from there to my healing process.
I also realized a lot of those not dating or dating without success could greatly benefit from the same information no matter if they have abandonment trauma or not. Here it is
How To Conquer Abandonment Trauma (A Step-by-step Guide) - Makin Wellness

I read a lot of posts on Reddit in the online dating section and dating over 40 subreddit. This is a decent place to gauge the pulse of the dating world and the general dating attitude of NT people.

The over 40 sub is a double edged blade of understanding! It is the most mature and best of all the dating subreddits, in my opinion.
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/
There are a lot of valuable answers and topics explained there. I recommend reading through it and many topics there. Some people who post or reply are not at all experienced and are woefully misguided. Some are highly intelligent, experienced, give valuable insights and explanations. One has to “take every thing with a grain of salt” there though. The number of upvotes and downvotes does not always correlate with accuracy as some users there are biased, jealous, incels, feminists, or MGTOW; while others are legit therapists, successful in relationships/ dating, well adjusted humans, have real world experience, and participate from a place of genuine helpfulness.

I will echo a growing sentiment that romance movies have damaged the psyche of viewers, installing unrealistic ideas and expectations.
Generic statement not directed at anyone in particular:
Avoid basing real life expectations on entertainment and fantasy. Avoid falling into a trap of self pity or using words like: all, never, always, every time.
 
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Rocco said:
I will echo a growing sentiment that romance movies have damaged the psyche of viewers, installing unrealistic ideas and expectations.
Generic statement not directed at anyone in particular:
Avoid basing real life expectations on entertainment and fantasy. Avoid falling into a trap of self pity or using words like: all, never, always, every time.
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Art seldom imitates life. Reminds me of that terrible ending in the film "Jerry Maguire" when Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger, "You complete me". :rolleyes:

IMO people don't "complete" anyone. That we complete ourselves...the best we can.
 
Like @FayetheAspie, i don't really care to date if i am not connecting with someone on an emotional or intellectual level and have similar interests.I went on several dates and even tried my best to form a connection with those people but they were simply like from another planet.

No matter how much i try to imitate other people it never worked out. And i stopped trying bc most of the people i met were so ignorant and self obsessed.
 
Tired said:
Women dislike sexists and racists (as do men), and by reading things you wrote here on the forum, and those screenshots you sent (from that autistic organization which wanted you out because of things you said), I understand that you suffered from sexism and racism, but you yourself became the same as those people you dislike.
Would you want to be with sexist racist woman? I doubt so. You won't have healthy relationship with anyone like that, because first you need to fix those parts of you, and accept that you can't control and change other people, and only then it would be good for you to search for a girlfriend, who'll accept you the way you are.
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Kevin has being very polite on his return, let's say give him a chance, we all made mistakes.
 
So years took a toll and I'm trying not to eat ratex suicide to be there for my boys so I'm looking for distractions again. My girlfriend and I are still friends we just still searching for 'the one'
Found some gay pornography and fell for this guy, and he is gentle (doesn't have a beard, don't like that) so I asked if he wants to quit his job and help me find happiness. He agreed, so he lives by me and I let him use my computer to study. Even though I'm not sure I'd have sex, I enjoy watching him play.
Oh boy, is my family best never find out what I did this time.
I never have feelings or desire and I don't like porn but he's just the cutest bi-sexual guy
My son said he knows I'm not normal, and if it makes me happy to learn to go shopping and whatever, he's glad to see me smile
 
I'm working out so hard, eating strict,, I even quit coffee and ban on xylaphane in house since my heart rate over sugar overdose.
I really want to believe that I can be good enough, 2
 
I now see that a man can emotionally regulate so well, he is real bonus guest for us. And I love that he doesn't pressure me.
 
KevinMao133 said:
This is a topic I been trying to keep wraps for a every long time and still don’t feel uncomfortable revealing

Do I lack emotional awareness? Am I not as intelligent as I thought?

As I start to ask those difficult questions, self doubt starts creeping in

I know I’m very capable and a very good person when I’m myself, when I’m relaxed but the public perception combined with ableism is slowly eroding my mind

I’m socially awkward, don’t like interacting with others. I also don’t like to put myself out there. Selling my soul is something I refuse to do

Prolonged isolation doesn’t help my mental health but I can’t really connect with others

It’s easy to befriend someone but it’s hard to be intimate

I don’t think I have the capacity of going on dates, or maybe I’m selling myself short
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I had to think about this before replying. In the meantime, a lot of other people said pretty much what I wanted to say. I have only been on less than 15 dates. Maybe 8-10 with the woman I eventually married (and she was usually the initiator), and maybe 5 with someone else (similar situation). I have always been incapable of walking up and introducing myself to another person, unless it is for business purposes. I find it very difficult to even walk up to someone I know for a chat without a specific purpose.
KevinMao133 said:
Prolonged isolation doesn’t help my mental health but I can’t really connect with others
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Being isolated is not a problem. When I am alone with other people around me is when I start hinking of doing myself in.
KevinMao133 said:
It’s easy to befriend someone but it’s hard to be intimate
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I am incapable of even befriending someone, or having friends.
KevinMao133 said:
I don’t think I have the capacity of going on dates, or maybe I’m selling myself short
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Is it the inability to go on dates, or the inability to ask? Bit of a difference. If the other person asks, or at least expresses interest, I can do it. Sometimes. Recognizing the other person is interested is a major problem. Keeping it going is another matter.
 
yeah its another sad reminder that are are lots of men in the world, autism or not, who have much better attitudes than Tony does, but yet have still never had a girlfriend before or always been alone, single, yup, i think i said before that, genetic research says that far more women than men throughout history, have passed on their genes, DNA, i figure if you do the math, that means, its always far more common for men than for women, or just a little bit more common, for men to have never have had a mate before than the other way around.
 
Steelbookcollector217 said:
yeah its another sad reminder that are are lots of men in the world, autism or not, who have much better attitudes than Tony does, but yet have still never had a girlfriend before or always been alone, single, yup, i think i said before that, genetic research says that far more women than men throughout history, have passed on their genes, DNA, i figure if you do the math, that means, its always far more common for men than for women, or just a little bit more common, for men to have never have had a mate before than the other way around.
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This has always been an interesting situation to hear about for me. I am curious why there is a generation of young men in this position. The problem solving part of my brain has so many questions for these guys! Like, why aren’t you out there communicating your interest in a healthy way with women?
Is it a confidence issue?
Is it lack of socializing skills?
Is it porn addiction?
Is it overthinking or putting women on a pedestal?

A lesson I learned in life is that there is someone for everyone (within reasonable limits of mental and physical health)

There are so many different people out in the wild with different interests and personalities that at some point you will find a compatible person if you have done the work on yourself to be worthy of a relationship.
 
KevinMao133 said:
This is a topic I been trying to keep wraps for a every long time and still don’t feel uncomfortable revealing

Do I lack emotional awareness? Am I not as intelligent as I thought?
Click to expand...

I definitely don't think so. From what I've heard, it's really getting tougher out there.

I don't think most of it is really about intelligence, either. There are many ways to be (IMO) nearly a genius, but still miss out on social cues and all of the weird little dating rituals people do. That's why, honestly, I've never done the whole 'traditional dating' thing much at all in my life and still managed to do pretty OK, more or less. I'm not exceptionally good-looking or anything like that, either. I just stay genuine.

I think the real trick is to date the outsiders. Find the diamond in the rough or 'alt' person of your dreams and you're set. I mean, things fail and people break up, but you can repeat the process until you find the one. Or what have you.

Weirdly I've always struggled with finding other male friends though, so we all have our deficits.
 
Rocco said:
This has always been an interesting situation to hear about for me. I am curious why there is a generation of young men in this position. The problem solving part of my brain has so many questions for these guys! Like, why aren’t you out there communicating your interest in a healthy way with women?
Is it a confidence issue?
Is it lack of socializing skills?
Is it porn addiction?
Is it overthinking or putting women on a pedestal?

A lesson I learned in life is that there is someone for everyone (within reasonable limits of mental and physical health)

There are so many different people out in the wild with different interests and personalities that at some point you will find a compatible person if you have done the work on yourself to be worthy of a relationship.
Click to expand...

Yeah, likely all contributing factors
 
I'm not even going to try to make any female friends anymore as it's a lost cause they are all in relationships or are guys. The few rarity don't want even a simple guy friend. So forget about dating.

My time here is focused on getting a therapist which is starting in October as my full Medicare Medicaid with the right insurance kicks in. I am also back working out in the gyms in Manhattan where everyone minds there business talks to basically no one and most wear airpods, earbuds so no story triggers.
 
I hate being single too. I have been single for way too damn long. But I'd avoid escorts and all that crap. Most of them just make you feel like a bigger loser than one may be feeling like currently.
 
FilterFreq said:
Why do you have to be friends prior in order to ask someone out?
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To manage your own comfort level and be at your best relative to socializing on a more intimate level. To be confident and yourself at the same time...without masking. And above all, to be sincere about projecting that it's all about the person you like, rather than it all being about yourself.

Otherwise you're just caught up in a silly ritual of being less than honest just to play the game of dating.

A game that some of us are simply not cut out to play...even when we think otherwise.
 
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Judge said:
To manage your own comfort level and be at your best relative to socializing on a more intimate level. To be confident and yourself at the same time...without masking.

Otherwise you're just caught up in a silly ritual of being less than honest just to play the game of dating.

A game that some of us are simply not cut out to play...even when we think otherwise.
Click to expand...
In addition some of us don't have any interest in playing this game and think it all sounds boring, stressful, and pointless.
 
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