Incapable Of Dating

[Judge]

In addition some of us don't have any interest in playing this game and think it all sounds boring, stressful, and pointless.

I never understood the advantage of "playing hard to get" or disinterested to both establish any relationship and make it work. It's the sort of game playing that is completely illogical.

Too much subterfuge when a meaningful relationship requires honesty.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I hate being single too. I have been single for way too damn long. But I'd avoid escorts and all that crap. Most of them just make you feel like a bigger loser than one may be feeling like currently.

i must have forgot but i don't think i want to know how long you have been single, because its then another brutal cold harsh reminder for many men out there

 

[thejuice]

I lack self confidence which seems like a prerequisite for love, and I have an aura of 'I don't want to be hurt by people', so I guess that makes me look cold and disinterested to the opposite sex. Perhaps your social persona is as limited as mine?

I think I have the same problem. I wonder however whether they think I'm aloof and come to the wrong conclusion why. (I'm not arrogant)

 

[thejuice]

I never understood the advantage of "playing hard to get" or disinterested to both establish any relationship and make it work. It's the sort of game playing that is completely illogical.

Too much subterfuge when a meaningful relationship requires honesty.

The whole role of men chasing women was something I never understood very well, so 'hard to get' phenomenon + unassertiveness + lack of social intuition +friends who also had no clue therefore no advice = no dates

If only romance boiled down to an equation!

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Married 44 years tomorrow, with virtually no experience in dating.

 

[Misty Avich]

Married 44 years tomorrow, with virtually no experience in dating.

I've been with my NT husband for 10 years, I met him when I was 24 with very little dating experience. It just seemed natural to me.

Friendships, however, seem harder to get.

I have read in several places that dating is harder for autistic males but they're more likely to have friends, while dating is seemingly easier for autistic females but they're less likely to have many friends.

Obviously this doesn't apply to every person on the spectrum so I'm not saying it's a rule or anything but it does seem to make sense.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I've been with my NT husband for 10 years, I met him when I was 24 with very little dating experience. It just seemed natural to me.

Friendships, however, seem harder to get.

I have read in several places that dating is harder for autistic males but they're more likely to have friends, while dating is seemingly easier for autistic females but they're less likely to have many friends.

Obviously this doesn't apply to every person on the spectrum so I'm not saying it's a rule or anything but it does seem to make sense.

Well I as an autistic female, I see no reason to ever go on a date if I am not really good friends with a guy first so if I can't make friends I guess I just won't date either.

 

[Misty Avich]

Well I as an autistic female, I see no reason to ever go on a date if I am not really good friends with a guy first so if I can't make friends I guess I just won't date either.

You don't necessarily have to be friends first with a guy to date him. Or maybe the only time I can make friends is if I know it's going to lead to a date. Plus I seem to make friends with guys better than with other women, maybe because I'm a tomboy.
I met my husband on the bus, he used to drive the bus I got and we became familiar with each other, having little chats while he had a cigarette in the bus station. Then one day he very shyly asked me on a date and if course I accepted. We've been in love with each other ever since.

 

[blue_bird]

I think I have the same problem. I wonder however whether they think I'm aloof and come to the wrong conclusion why. (I'm not arrogant)

Body language plays a big role in how society deems people. If people sense something 'off' about you, you're most likely going to get judged negatively, even if that judgement is wrong. Maybe it's unfair, maybe it's just and deserving, but either way, the confident ones usually get the best in material life.

 

[Markness]

I have read in several places that dating is harder for autistic males but they're more likely to have friends, while dating is seemingly easier for autistic females but they're less likely to have many friends.

This is true for me, even though I am generally shy and socially anxious. Both issues skyrocket when I want to take the so-called extra mile in socialization (Asking for a date or even a phone number.) and a lot of it’s because it feels like I have to say all the right things or I will strike out.

 

[FayetheAspie]

You don't necessarily have to be friends first with a guy to date him.

It's not that I think there is any rule that it has to be that way or anything. I just personally don't see the point otherwise. If a stranger walks up and asks me out I always say no or something to that effect and always have. I don't even know them so it would be kinda hard to feel "in love" with them.

 

[Judge]

It's not that I think there is any rule that it has to be that way or anything. I just personally don't see the point otherwise. If a stranger walks up and asks me out I always say no or something to that effect and always have. I don't even know them so it would be kinda hard to feel "in love" with them.

I've only had one instance in my life when someone came into my social orbit (at work) who I couldn't seem to stay away from. Still we did become friends...not even "dating" as such. Actually we bypassed "dating" altogether and quickly became a couple.

Otherwise everyone was just a stranger who unless I befriended them or they befriended me I simply had no real interest in getting to know them better, regardless of how attractive they might have been. In my own case I have to be able to attain some comfort level with people, and it always seemed impossible with complete strangers.

 

[Misty Avich]

Well I chat to people and easily become acquaintances so for me it'll be from acquaintance to relationship, the love building up after the relationship starts. Well, this has only happened once, with my husband, but I know it's the way things go with me. With dating it doesn't necessarily have to follow the stereotypical 'friends for long enough then a dinner date then very slowly a relationship develops with both your verbal consent. It doesn't always work like that. Sometimes the two of you just click right away and just know you're right for each other.

By friends I mean being able to become close to your peers, as in being invited out with them, included in social activities with them outside of where you first met them, being invited round to their house, that sort of thing. I've often failed at forming these sorts of friendships with my peers but it's how I see my NT cousins social lives as.

 

[Markness]

I don’t know if I am supposed to ask right away or get to know a woman first. I’ve gotten contradicting advice on that.

Where am I going wrong?

 

[Judge]

I don’t know if I am supposed to ask right away or get to know a woman first. I’ve gotten contradicting advice on that.

Where am I going wrong?

Think of it in terms of what actually works for you.

Walking up to a total stranger and asking them out has never really been an option for me. Too awkward with too many unknowns. In getting to know a person, it gives me a better understanding of them as well as myself, particularly in establishing a comfort level where I'm not nervous. Which for me makes a huge amount of difference.

My own impression was the no one wanted to really know the nervous awkward me. Ewww!

But get some distance from that guy and I found a few nice women who definitely wanted to get to know the real me. It helped in befriending them, and focusing on them and not myself.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Based on what I have seen on u-tube just bid your time as menopause shows it face with many women they will find you. ticking clock is quickly running out. for many and they know it,

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Think of it in terms of what actually works for you.

Walking up to a total stranger and asking them out has never really been an option for me. Too awkward with too many unknowns. In getting to know a person, it gives me a better understanding of them as well as myself, particularly in establishing a comfort level where I'm not nervous. Which for me makes a huge amount of difference.

I found my wife in my rooming house 44th anniversary, today. Our first date was asking here to join me to watch a band play incidentally, my cousin was their drummer he had just moved out and she had his former room.

 

[Misty Avich]

@Misty Avich There was once a guy that I could tell liked me, but never actually approached me. I think I sort of secretly liked him too and would sometimes daydream about him asking me out. After 2-3 years he finally walked up and nervously asked me for my number while I was working. I was totally thrilled inside but told him that I don't give my number out or something along that line which is true I don't unless I need to give it to a business or something.

My husband was reluctant of asking me out at first because he wasn't sure if it would be too forward. His reluctance made me think he might have been married or that maybe I was annoying him or something, so I tried to keep it very casual. Then one day he asked what my name was and I asked for his name. He seemed quite keen and I think I showed that I was keen too because that was when he gathered courage to ask me on a date.

Maybe it's a mutual theory of mind thing that is needed when it comes to dating? I don't lack theory of mind and I can read body language so that might have been why it was easier for me perhaps? But I don't know, so don't take that as a fact.

But usually dating very first begins with two people "getting chatting" to each other and then things just develop.

 

[Markness]

What discourages me a lot is that women in my area tend to marry early so it feels like the chances for me to meet single women are slim or nonexistent.

I just have so many questions and I get confused easily.

 

[Judge]

What discourages me a lot is that women in my area tend to marry early so it feels like the chances for me to meet single women are slim or nonexistent.

I just have so many questions and I get confused easily.

Accept the probability of socializing with divorcees with children. No way around it.

Dictated by the simple statistics of divorce rates.