multiple dating partners?

[Warmheart]

NTgirl, you can still ask him about this. Relationships are ongoing negotiations.

 

[ChrisC1983]

"Like you, I don't believe there's something necessarily wrong with dating multiple partners; I just personally am incapable of it. Part of me is jealous that he is able to, too, haha!"

i may have said something oddly (honestly too tired to re-read my own stuff) but i don't agree with dating multiple partners. i'm unable to initiate anything (conversation or more) with people and pretty much an completely socially inept (the majority of my troubles are social based.. on the RAADS-R test, i score a 0.3 - 1 out of 10 for social.. and thats after 4 different tries about 1 week apart each time). i believe (although i realize this isn't how most people work) you should be with 1 person your whole life. whether you meet in 3rd grade or when you're 50 doesn't matter to me (hopefully sooner than later). sadly it didn't work out that way for me, but that didn't change my feelings.. it just forced me to alter things (albeit in a minor way) because i also believe in equality on all levels (i'm a big balance person) so if i do something or something happens to me, i can't expect somebody else to not have done or had that same thing happen to them... even if i regret it and wish it never happened. but, it still doesn't make life easy since my life experiences are very minimal (at this point your boyfriend probably did more than i have my whole life.. )

 

[Judge]

Strange. I just realized when I responded to this question I wasn't really considering any moral implications. But I guess that depends on any "terms" established in the course of dating.

But then years ago "playing the field" was an acceptable thing I suppose. Before there were "players".

 

[ChrisC1983]

all my thoughts on the subject are morality based lol. but as long as all parties involved are aware of the situation and agree with it.. then i can't argue
that's not to say i don't want to.... i still don't agree with it and think it's terrible. but, my rules were met for consensus and it doesn't involve me so it's not a problem. however it's extremely disheartening to me.. to the point of major depression if i had an interest in one of the people involved

for example..... before even being sure i was an aspie, i ended up meeting a girl who had many of the same quirks and interests as i did. and i thought that was great..... we talked, got along well, even hung out at her house a couple times. she said she was single, i made sure to not dig too deep into the topic directly (i always find an answer i dont like and confirming knowledge bothers me more than speculation.. even if what i confirm isn't as bad as my speculation) so from the sounds of things, she had been single for a long time.. minimal dating experience and all. then (luckily) before i ended up really saying anything to let her know i was interested in her.. she told me about a problem she had recently (a few weeks ago). long story short, this guy she was not dating (according to her) freaked out because she had an abortion and he was pissed about it and they got into this huge fight so on and so on. and she is the only person i've met who has been comparable to my own personality

 

[Slithytoves]

I've never dated two people at the same time, myself, but I once shared a polyamorous (male) partner with someone. The third person was the opposite sex which made it less threatening to me. They lived together, which was weird. I don't regret the relationship, but if I were to continue to be single I doubt I would be interested in trying that again. I'm not really "sister wife" (or co-dater) material. There are interesting advantages but it can also get extremely complicated.

Generally speaking I prefer monogamy from Date #1, on both sides. I don't tend to find two people I'd be interested in at the same time anyway. Just finding one can take years. I'm amazed I ever managed to meet someone I am in tune with enough to make things permanent!

If I were dating someone who was also dating others, I think I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it would probably affect my behavior in unpleasant and unnatural ways -- I hate competition. I'm sure my curiosity about the other (or others) would end up making me miserable, too, and I'd also have to wonder if he had plans with the other person every time he wasn't available when I invited him to do something. None of that would feel too good.

 

[tree]

"Dating"-----this thread would have made more sense to me
if there'd been a definition of what 'dating' was supposed to mean.
I was thinking, why is this even an issue?

Date....go out socially at an appointed time with a person.

But, apparently 'dating' is being used in the common euphemistic
sense----"relationship"/have sex with? (and that would be accompanied
by feelings of affection & belonging, theoretically.)

I know that when the grown people in this area say "going out with" or "dating"
that means 'having sex with.' [not prostitution] But definitely a euphemism,
the same way that, locally, "fiancee" means person with whom one cohabits without
benefit of marriage contract.

 

[Slithytoves]

But, apparently 'dating' is being used in the common euphemistic
sense----"relationship"/have sex with? (and that would be accompanied by feelings of affection & belonging, theoretically.)

I know that when the grown people in this area say "going out with" or "dating" that means 'having sex with.' [not prostitution] But definitely a euphemism, the same way that, locally, "fiancee" means person with whom one cohabits without
benefit of marriage contract.

I empathize with your need for clarification on the meaning of terms, here. You're right, this thread is about "dating" as as early stage of a romantic relationship, in which two people see each other with some frequency but have not made any stated or implied move towards even a fairly informal next-level commitment.

In theory, until two people recognize their interaction as being a "relationship" (not deeply committed, per se, but steady, progressive and expected to be ongoing), either one of them should be free to "date" others as well. Different people have different perceptions of what stage an involvement is at at any given time. They also have their own views of what constitutes the stages. In other words there's a lot of room for confusion, at a time where neither person may feel comfortable enough to ask what the other feels the involvement actually is. Many relationships progress pretty quickly from simply getting together frequently to something that feels more like a partnership. When this natural progression seems slow or absent, it can become very uncomfortable for one or both parties and neither may want to speak up.

Some people do use "dating" as a buzzword for sexually involved, so that adds a little extra layer of confusion when discussing a situation with third parties. I'd never heard "fiancee/fiancé" used to describe a cohabitating partner without an actual agreement to be married. That's interesting. There should be a better word for that, but it seems there isn't. Terms like "life partner", etc., imply permanence when neither party may see it that way.

Do you happen to live in a region that frowns on cohabitation outside of wedlock? I can see how the term fiancee/fiancé could be used in a place like that to make the relationship sound more socially acceptable.

 

[SPEED RACER]

HI I never dated before but I think he is rather foolish I think I would be happy if I found someone like you.Todd

 

[tree]

Slithytoves
"Some people do use "dating" as a buzzword for sexually involved, so that adds a little extra layer of confusion when discussing a situation with third parties. I'd never heard "fiancee/fiancé" used to describe a cohabitating partner without an actual agreement to be married. That's interesting. There should be a better word for that, but it seems there isn't. Terms like "life partner", etc., imply permanence when neither party may see it that way.

Do you happen to live in a region that frowns on cohabitation outside of wedlock? I can see how the term fiancee/fiancé could be used in a place like that to make the relationship sound more socially acceptable."

Really, never heard 'fiancee' used that way?
It is common here. Makes the live-in sound more formal.
Although there is no plan (schedule) for a marriage, and there
are likely to be children already produced.

I think I live in an area that regards marriage contract as a desirable upgrade,
but an unlikely continuance.

 

[Vinca]

"Dating"-----this thread would have made more sense to me
if there'd been a definition of what 'dating' was supposed to mean.
I was thinking, why is this even an issue?

Date....go out socially at an appointed time with a person.

But, apparently 'dating' is being used in the common euphemistic
sense----"relationship"/have sex with? (and that would be accompanied
by feelings of affection & belonging, theoretically.)

I know that when the grown people in this area say "going out with" or "dating"
that means 'having sex with.' [not prostitution] But definitely a euphemism,
the same way that, locally, "fiancee" means person with whom one cohabits without
benefit of marriage contract.

It is interesting that when grown people in your area say "going out with" or "dating" that means 'having sex with.'.

Does dating always include the idea that the people dating are having sex? I'd thought that dating is when two people specifically make arrangements to spend time with each other with the idea of initially getting to know the other person well enough to figure out if they are interested or not, and that there would then be a point at which one or the other would initiate a conversation about being interested, or not, as the case may be, in pursuing a relationship. And that it may or may not invlude having sex. Can people in a realtionship, who are waiting till they are married to have sex, use the word dating without it being taken as meaning they are having sex?

I wonder if the meaning of 'dating' varies? and how one knows what a person means when they say they are dating someone?

 

[tree]

It is interesting that when grown people in your area say "going out with" or "dating" that means 'having sex with.'.

Does dating always include the idea that the people dating are having sex? I'd thought that dating is when two people specifically make arrangements to spend time with each other with the idea of initially getting to know the other person well enough to figure out if they are interested or not, and that there would then be a point at which one or the other would initiate a conversation about being interested, or not, as the case may be, in pursuing a relationship. And that it may or may not include having sex. Can people in a relationship, who are waiting till they are married to have sex, use the word dating without it being taken as meaning they are having sex?

I wonder if the meaning of 'dating' varies? and how one knows what a person means when they say they are dating someone?

Cross gender 'dating = sex'; 'going with...definitely = sex'; going out with
is the euphemism for sleeping with/sex.**
**Sorry to leave out same sex relationships, but I am not acquainted with
any people doing homosexual dating.

But I know people who talk about having a date with their Mom.
Taking her places. That's different, though.

People in a relationship who are waiting to be married probably do use the
word "date" to describe their celibate courtship. [I don't know any of these people either.]

I want to include 'courtship' in my thoughts.
Not every dating situation is one of courtship.

 

[ChrisC1983]

my meanings extended from dating to sex. i "dated" a couple people online (literally.. 2... not at the same time, didn't know 1 when i knew the other, and once i started "dating" them, i had no interest in anybody else. although a couple people did seem to have an interest in me. one girl was actually really nice but in CA (i'm in MA) and about 3yrs younger which is fine now but at 16-17 (she was 13-14) it's a lot weirder so i couldnt bring myself to have an interest in her)....... but i never met any of them (not for a lack of wanting to though)... i met 1 girl in person through craigslist, we met a couple times but nothing came of it.. no going out to dinner or typical "dating" stuff. then (the only 1 most people would count) i met a girl online when i was about 20-21.. eventually met in person, things lasted almost 1 year and i think if i had better social skills it never would have went that far, maybe not even past the online thing.

and... that's it

 

[NTgirl4276]

NTGirl, it is possible that he does indeed like you, but he may have had feelings for the other girl long before he met you. Maybe he likes you, but likes her more and he knows that she is okay with him dating someone else. Maybe this other girl has multiple boyfriends. Take it from me, if you're the kind of person like I am that gets attached; it's best if you find someone that is okay with just dating you.

you're right that these may all be possibilities. ahh, dating is already full of so many uncertainties; adding extra people only compounds them, and i would prefer not to deal with all the "maybe"s! thanks for the reminder

NTgirl, you can still ask him about this. Relationships are ongoing negotiations.

.... i want to! i do! but it has been four weeks of no contact, and i'm very scared.

"Like you, I don't believe there's something necessarily wrong with dating multiple partners; I just personally am incapable of it. Part of me is jealous that he is able to, too, haha!"

i may have said something oddly (honestly too tired to re-read my own stuff) but i don't agree with dating multiple partners.

i'm sorry for misrepresenting your position in my earlier posts, ChrisC1983! that's my fault. i must not have been reading carefully.

Strange. I just realized when I responded to this question I wasn't really considering any moral implications. But I guess that depends on any "terms" established in the course of dating.

i wasn't considering moral implications when i initially posed the question, either. i guess i tend to accept that people will have many varied understandings of "dating" (as the preceding thread has confirmed!) and that's okay, as long as people are upfront about their particular expectations.

.... which, i guess, is a moral caveat. oops.

Generally speaking I prefer monogamy from Date #1, on both sides. I don't tend to find two people I'd be interested in at the same time anyway. Just finding one can take years. I'm amazed I ever managed to meet someone I am in tune with enough to make things permanent!

If I were dating someone who was also dating others, I think I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it would probably affect my behavior in unpleasant and unnatural ways -- I hate competition. I'm sure my curiosity about the other (or others) would end up making me miserable, too, and I'd also have to wonder if he had plans with the other person every time he wasn't available when I invited him to do something. None of that would feel too good.

AGREE COMPLETELY! No surprise there, Slithytoves These exact same reservations are the ones keeping my mouth shut at the moment.

"Dating"-----this thread would have made more sense to me
if there'd been a definition of what 'dating' was supposed to mean.
I was thinking, why is this even an issue?

Valid point, tree! You're right that I perhaps should have clarified what I meant by the term, since I posed the "Have you..." question. To be clear, I have no issue with him dating other people from a moral standpoint. He did absolutely nothing wrong, in my opinion; we had never explicitly talked about only dating each other, so he did not actively deceive or lie to me. I guess I asked AC only because I was curious about whether this particular dating behavior (taking on multiple dating partners at once) is as common among Aspies as it is among NTs.

As for how I define dating, Slithytoves's earlier definition resonates most strongly with me. Before I dated him, I would have emphasized the physical/sexual aspect more strongly, but that dimension fell away in this most recent experience. We had not yet reached that point with one another--and not for a lack of desire, on my part. He doesn't ever initiate, and while I was quickly adjusting to being the initiator in other areas (planning dates, making conversation, etc.), that was one area in which I had not yet plucked up the courage to make the first move... perhaps because I wasn't ever sure how he felt about me, because the indicators I'm used to getting from men were noticeably absent. But still, even though sex wasn't a part of our everyday experience of dating, I guess it was still a "goal"... in my mind, at least. I was hoping we'd progress to that level; so I guess I would have to concede that sex is certainly a dimension of "dating," in my conception of the term.

Funnily enough, I think part of my motivation for asking him whether he was dating anyone else was because things had been going well, and I was hoping we'd progress to being physical soon. And I cannot be physical with someone who is also dating other people. When he told me that he was, in fact, dating someone else too, my immediate thought was: "Oh man, what if he's sleeping with HER?!" And I was jealous

 

[Shiznown]

I've dated two girls at once before and it was a nightmare to say the least. The only way I would even consider dating more than one women, is if the women I'm with are both bisexual and there are no other dudes involved. I wouldn't even seek out the second woman, just the first one. I'd just leave it completely up to the woman whom I'm with to seek out the second woman in question. I'd probably tell her something along the lines of "Hey hun, I found this cute girl. You should go talk to her." lol.

 

[Slithytoves]

Really, never heard 'fiancee' used that way? It is common here. Makes the live-in sound more formal. Although there is no plan (schedule) for a marriage, and there are likely to be children already produced.

I think I live in an area that regards marriage contract as a desirable upgrade, but an unlikely continuance.

I'm from New York, where people don't really give a darn how anybody else sees their relationships. I live in the South now, but I still don't care, so I never bothered learning the local code. For all I know, I've been congratulating people on engagements that don't exist for ages.

"Marriage contract as a desirable upgrade, but an unlikely continuance." LOVE that!

Can people in a realtionship, who are waiting till they are married to have sex, use the word dating without it being taken as meaning they are having sex?

I wonder if the meaning of 'dating' varies? and how one knows what a person means when they say they are dating someone?

That first question occurred to me, too, when I read tree's post. If words like "dating" and "fiancee/fiancé" are code for other things, what the heck do you call those things when you mean them in their regular terms, with no sex for the first and no ring/proposal for the other?

The meaning of "dating" varies widely, I've found. Not just between areas, but between individuals within an area -- even between individuals within a couple. That's why I would suggest that people be brave in asking, "So what exactly is this we're doing, here?" when they feel the question brewing. Women would be up against the stereotype that they're trying to nail down a husband, but I'd rather be clear on what I'm involved in and risk that suspicion than end up stunned by a misunderstanding.

People in a relationship who are waiting to be married probably do use the
word "date" to describe their celibate courtship. [I don't know any of these people either.]

I want to include 'courtship' in my thoughts. Not every dating situation is one of courtship.

People I've known who are doing/have done the abstinence-until-wedlock thing have always referred to their relationships by relative stage, like everyone else: Dating, in a relationship, or engaged if a proposal has been made. They don't consider sex a necessary part of the commitment process, but they can still feel a progression happening in their partnerships.

The old rules of courtship has their advantages in terms of knowing where things stood, though plenty of naughty court-ers and court-ees were no doubt getting it on in secret, which could get sticky just like it can now, I'm sure. Involve sex in anything but a mutually-understood casual hookup and people start reading things in.

AGREE COMPLETELY! No surprise there, Slithytoves These exact same reservations are the ones keeping my mouth shut at the moment.

.... i want to! i do! but it has been four weeks of no contact, and i'm very scared.

Don't make me have to come up there! "Scared" is about fearful anticipation. Think of it this way, there's nothing to anticipate between you anymore, so there's nothing to fear. You're in the same communication void today as you would be another month from now if you don't hear from him. I think the event you're scared of already happened, honestly, so now it's about getting your pulse back to normal. It would take another event, originating entirely on his end, for you to get pulled back in again.

I guess I asked AC only because I was curious about whether this particular dating behavior (taking on multiple dating partners at once) is as common among Aspies as it is among NTs.

I'm not all Aspies, certainly, but I would be very surprised if I found this behavior to be common in our ranks. I've mentioned to you before that Aspies have enough trouble with socialization that dating more than one person at once would be more than most of us could handle. Your dude may not have been equipped to handle it, either -- thus the crappy, ambiguous outcome for you.

Before I dated him, I would have emphasized the physical/sexual aspect more strongly, but that dimension fell away in this most recent experience. We had not yet reached that point with one another--and not for a lack of desire, on my part.

I was hoping we'd progress to that level; so I guess I would have to concede that sex is certainly a dimension of "dating," in my conception of the term.

A lack of sexual overture at the point where an NT would normally expect it seems to be a common confusion when you folks date Aspies, who are often more shy about making a move and more likely to be demi-/sapio-/asexual than the average person. We have plenty of hot-blooded types in our ranks, too, but our Bell curve looks a little different for timing in that area of relationships. Your distribution is likely much steeper on the upswing.

When he told me that he was, in fact, dating someone else too, my immediate thought was: "Oh man, what if he's sleeping with HER?!" And I was jealous

Yup. Then if you went for it despite your reservations about sharing a partner, the next thought would be, "I wonder who he likes better in bed?" It only goes downhill from there.

I dunno, NTgirl. If he turns up again, I think I'd require a certified copy of the other girl's death certificate before re-investing. Either that or a blood oath. Or a tattoo of your name. Or at least a firm pinkie promise that she's no longer in the picture.

 

[NTgirl4276]

Don't make me have to come up there! "Scared" is about fearful anticipation. Think of it this way, there's nothing to anticipate between you anymore, so there's nothing to fear. You're in the same communication void today as you would be another month from now if you don't hear from him. I think the event you're scared of already happened, honestly, so now it's about getting your pulse back to normal. It would take another event, originating entirely on his end, for you to get pulled back in again.

I dunno, NTgirl. If he turns up again, I think I'd require a certified copy of the other girl's death certificate before re-investing. Either that or a blood oath. Or a tattoo of your name. Or at least a firm pinkie promise that she's no longer in the picture.

Oh, how I've missed you, Slithy!! Dropping much-needed truth bombs, as always!

 

[Slithytoves]

Oh, how I've missed you, Slithy!! Dropping much-needed truth bombs, as always!

I woke up this morning just knowing I had to come here for a reason.

I've been on a short sabbatical from forum life -- up to my eyeballs in activist stuff, campaigning for my favorite candidate, getting over my anxiety about July, and recovering/attending stuff from the Charleston shooting. Life got really weird there for a while. I'm back, though. I miss my AC homies.

 

[ChrisC1983]

don't worry, i believe the confusion was from my acceptance of people with that lifestyle. i'm generally very diverse in my beliefs... not only will i believe much of side A, but also B and many gray area related subjects between the two. i work on a "anything is possible" concept (but because severe depression is "anything" as well.. i don't come off as a positive person)

or, boil it down to "no harm, no foul". it's just that pesky urge to correct things

 

[On the Inside]

I know this thread has wandered beyond the initial question, but I will answer it. No, I have not had multiple dating partners, but I did date someone briefly while I was separated from my ex-wife for 8 months. By dating, I mean spending time together, maybe once a week, no sex, no kissing. But it was more than a friendship. She was a calm and safe harbor while waiting for a crazy, seemingly uncaring spouse to make a decision.

I would not ever do that again, though. I'm not able to manage the emotions around different friends, let alone two people who might have thoughts, hopes and expectations about our involvement.

Funny story: I was dating a woman some time ago, and we had gone on an afternoon date because she had to work that evening. It ended getting gelato. Later that evening I went to a small party, some of us wanted gelato, so I went with a female friend to the same store, served by the same person. An hour or so later,we wanted more, so I went back with different woman. The server gave me a raised eyebrow smile, like he knew I was quite an operator and gelato was my M.O.

 

[inabox]

I have accidently found out that it seems (to me) alarmingly common .. i havent known many people who date, but out of those few (they were guys) at least half wanted to openly or covertly date multiple people. I was not aware until recently that this was thought of as ok.
And the original poster (sorry, bad memory, forgot the username) makes me think maybe my way of thinking of dating ONE person at a time is not unusual and so i'm thinking i'm not fridgid as i previously thought. So the same would apply to the op. You're not the only one to think/feel the way you do.
And i'm pretty sure the guys i've heard of wanting to date multiple people were NT. I don't think it matters who they are or what background they are from.