multiple dating partners?

[NTgirl4276]

I know this thread has wandered beyond the initial question, but I will answer it. No, I have not had multiple dating partners, but I did date someone briefly while I was separated from my ex-wife for 8 months. By dating, I mean spending time together, maybe once a week, no sex, no kissing. But it was more than a friendship.

Thanks for answering my initial question, On the Inside! what you were doing sounds similar to what he and I were doing. dinner or watching a movie at my apartment on a semi-regular basis, but we would typically kiss goodnight. no sex; not even close. one time, I did somehow convince him to "make out" with me for approximately 15 minutes.

Funny story: I was dating a woman some time ago, and we had gone on an afternoon date because she had to work that evening. It ended getting gelato. Later that evening I went to a small party, some of us wanted gelato, so I went with a female friend to the same store, served by the same person. An hour or so later,we wanted more, so I went back with different woman. The server gave me a raised eyebrow smile, like he knew I was quite an operator and gelato was my M.O.

this is an awesome story. not a bad M.O., in my opinion

I have accidently found out that it seems (to me) alarmingly common .. i havent known many people who date, but out of those few (they were guys) at least half wanted to openly or covertly date multiple people. I was not aware until recently that this was thought of as ok.
And the original poster (sorry, bad memory, forgot the username) makes me think maybe my way of thinking of dating ONE person at a time is not unusual and so i'm thinking i'm not fridgid as i previously thought. So the same would apply to the op. You're not the only one to think/feel the way you do.
And i'm pretty sure the guys i've heard of wanting to date multiple people were NT. I don't think it matters who they are or what background they are from.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who tends to be monogamous. But, like you, I'm finding that many people are much more open to entertaining multiple partners at the same time. And you're certainly right that these preferences may transcend neurotype.

Sometimes I wish people would just wear a little sign on their forehead, just so I know what I'm getting myself into

 

[Mark August]

okay, I've hesitated posting this question because I've been afraid it would make me feel even more foolish than I already do, but my brain won't stop thinking about this, apparently.

to all the lovely male Aspies on AC (and any other Aspies who may want to respond with their thoughts/observations): have you ever dated more than one person at a time?

full disclosure. I'm asking because I recently found out that the spectrum man I was dating for four months told me he was also dating another woman, too. I haven't seen or talked to him since because 1) it scared me, because I really like him and interpreted it as him not liking me similarly in return; and 2) it made me feel incredibly dumb. I suddenly realized that his lack of initiative might not be due to his being on the spectrum, but (to resort to cliche) him "just not being that into me."

if anyone is willing to offer a quick response, I would really appreciate it. right now, I've made a promise to myself that I won't reach out to him; that I'll wait for him to contact me because I need SOME indication that he actively wants to keep dating. but I'm also slightly broken-hearted, because I know he probably won't, and I won't ever see or speak to him again.

he made my soul feel delightful and unusual things.

As a borderline Aspie, I'd say the guy obviously likes the attention. I'm guessing he's a young guy, is thus correct? Perhaps he isn't feeling like you care that much and is just covering his bases. Better to date 2 than 1 who isn't all that into you. Have you made it clear to him that you want a 1 on 1 thing? I know for me, I almost need the woman to write her feelings on a billboard as I guess I have a hard time knowing what anyone is thinking. Explains why I suck at poker. Anyway, most of us wish we had your problem.

Now, if you want to know how to deal with loneliness, I think we're your Huckleberry! [emoji1]

 

[NTgirl4276]

As a borderline Aspie, I'd say the guy obviously likes the attention. I'm guessing he's a young guy, is thus correct? Perhaps he isn't feeling like you care that much and is just covering his bases. Better to date 2 than 1 who isn't all that into you. Have you made it clear to him that you want a 1 on 1 thing? I know for me, I almost need the woman to write her feelings on a billboard as I guess I have a hard time knowing what anyone is thinking. Explains why I suck at poker. Anyway, most of us wish we had your problem.

He's in his later 20's, so fairly young! You could be right about the attention.

I have a hard time imagining that he was unsure about my interest; I did all the initiating, and I explicitly told him how interested I was and that I hadn't been dating anyone else (thanks, in large part, to my time here on AC and realizing how important direct, clear communication is!). I guess, however, I did not explicitly tell him that I would perceive it to be a sign of disinterest if he were to also date someone else; nor did I explicitly ask him to describe his feelings for me. I was afraid that that would put pressure on him, so I just told him how I felt and hoped that he would process it and respond in his own way. Perhaps that was my mistake?

 

[Karin]

He's in his later 20's, so fairly young! You could be right about the attention.

I have a hard time imagining that he was unsure about my interest; I did all the initiating, and I explicitly told him how interested I was and that I hadn't been dating anyone else (thanks, in large part, to my time here on AC and realizing how important direct, clear communication is!). I guess, however, I did not explicitly tell him that I would perceive it to be a sign of disinterest if he were to also date someone else; nor did I explicitly ask him to describe his feelings for me. I was afraid that that would put pressure on him, so I just told him how I felt and hoped that he would process it and respond in his own way. Perhaps that was my mistake?

In my experience it IS a sign of disinterest if he's dating others as well. If he was madly in love with you, he would be seeing only you and introduce you to his family. i find men are usually pretty straight forward in this with not a lot of hidden motives. If a woman throws herself at him, sure - why not, as she insists. And dating other women too means he is not in love.

I started late and dated a lot in my early 30'ies. I ended up in this kind of situation frequently.

 

[wyverary]

Polygamy requires complete honesty. Otherwise, it's cheating, plain and simple. Few things in the world of dating and love and sex are so black and white, but I feel justified in making that statement. There are things you should be allowed to hide, but this goes so deeply that it is not one of them.

 

[Peace]

okay, I've hesitated posting this question because I've been afraid it would make me feel even more foolish than I already do, but my brain won't stop thinking about this, apparently.

to all the lovely male Aspies on AC (and any other Aspies who may want to respond with their thoughts/observations): have you ever dated more than one person at a time?

full disclosure. I'm asking because I recently found out that the spectrum man I was dating for four months told me he was also dating another woman, too. I haven't seen or talked to him since because 1) it scared me, because I really like him and interpreted it as him not liking me similarly in return; and 2) it made me feel incredibly dumb. I suddenly realized that his lack of initiative might not be due to his being on the spectrum, but (to resort to cliche) him "just not being that into me."

if anyone is willing to offer a quick response, I would really appreciate it. right now, I've made a promise to myself that I won't reach out to him; that I'll wait for him to contact me because I need SOME indication that he actively wants to keep dating. but I'm also slightly broken-hearted, because I know he probably won't, and I won't ever see or speak to him again.

he made my soul feel delightful and unusual things.

Experience has taught me that no good comes from dating more than one person at a time. Especially if he was not forthcoming about it. There is an old saying: "When A Buck Chases More Than One Doe, Both Usually Get Away"

 

[epath13]

I think it's possible to date a few people at a time, but I also believe in honesty: in order for the relationships to be open both parties have to be aware of it, otherwise it's just cheating. Some people may assume that a person they date recognizes, that their relationship is not serious enough, therefore they may decide to date other people as well. But I believe you should never assume. I did assume when I was younger and dated, and that was a mistake I had to deal with. I honestly didn't know how inconsiderate and selfish it was, some people may not realize it either.

 

[zurb]

Just thinking... I've been overseas for a while, and its kind of nice that as a foreigner I'm regarded as something special while at home I'm just average or maybe even odd.
To have two girls approach you thinking you're special could make it hard to say no to either. Wouldn't necessarily mean he sees either as a romantic interest, but it could.

 

[NTgirl4276]

Just thinking... I've been overseas for a while, and its kind of nice that as a foreigner I'm regarded as something special while at home I'm just average or maybe even odd.
To have two girls approach you thinking you're special could make it hard to say no to either. Wouldn't necessarily mean he sees either as a romantic interest, but it could.

this is very understandable and makes so much sense.

it also makes me a little sad (not your fault! it's just a sad reality/possibility). man, dating sucks.

 

[qwerty]

I had written out a few paragraphs about about it may be a problem with the laser focus that some of us aspies get, like his focus being on you and things in the present environment to the exclusion of everything else and then flips when you are not there.

And then i just felt an urge to just give you a hug instead ((((HUG))))
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, I hope it works out well for you.

You seem like an amazing compassionate and thoughtful woman.
What ever happens know that your presence, thoughts, interpersonal
skillset and revealing insights from an NT perspective is appreciated
and your presence here is immensely welcome.

 

[Slithytoves]

I was afraid that that would put pressure on him, so I just told him how I felt and hoped that he would process it and respond in his own way. Perhaps that was my mistake?

Nah. Aspie or not, that was a clear message and the best you could do under the circumstances. There's a point at which you have to consider your dignity. If you're not getting anything back once you've been explicit, anything you say to drive the point home further becomes demeaning. Think about the role of power in relationships. Once you've given it all away, you'd be at a loss to get it back.

 

[NTgirl4276]

I had written out a few paragraphs about about it may be a problem with the laser focus that some of us aspies get, like his focus being on you and things in the present environment to the exclusion of everything else and then flips when you are not there.

And then i just felt an urge to just give you a hug instead ((((HUG))))
I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, I hope it works out well for you.

You seem like an amazing compassionate and thoughtful woman.
What ever happens know that your presence, thoughts, interpersonal
skillset and revealing insights from an NT perspective is appreciated
and your presence here is immensely welcome.

thank you, qwerty. no extra fluff or pomp and circumstance, just thank you. truly. this means a LOT to me. especially the hug!

I've begun to accept that it won't work out in the way I hoped (because, like Slithytoves has pointed out, I need to consider how genuinely valued and respected I feel in any relationship), but if I hadn't met/dated him, I never would have encountered all of you.

so, I think I can still score this one a "win."

 

[Maelstrom]

okay, I've hesitated posting this question because I've been afraid it would make me feel even more foolish than I already do, but my brain won't stop thinking about this, apparently.

to all the lovely male Aspies on AC (and any other Aspies who may want to respond with their thoughts/observations): have you ever dated more than one person at a time?

full disclosure. I'm asking because I recently found out that the spectrum man I was dating for four months told me he was also dating another woman, too. I haven't seen or talked to him since because 1) it scared me, because I really like him and interpreted it as him not liking me similarly in return; and 2) it made me feel incredibly dumb. I suddenly realized that his lack of initiative might not be due to his being on the spectrum, but (to resort to cliche) him "just not being that into me."

if anyone is willing to offer a quick response, I would really appreciate it. right now, I've made a promise to myself that I won't reach out to him; that I'll wait for him to contact me because I need SOME indication that he actively wants to keep dating. but I'm also slightly broken-hearted, because I know he probably won't, and I won't ever see or speak to him again.

he made my soul feel delightful and unusual things.

That is a real Hard one NTgirl, I've never dated 2 girls, have gotten in trouble asking different girls out, but in my mind if you don't make it past friend status and maybe one coffee date, things are too dead for anyone to complain at all, tho it seems to happen anyways. There is allot of unfairness in my view on this front, a friend can have something on the side, and be shopping around in front of your face, and still get huffy if you ask her friend out for a coffee date...I really don't get it.
Personally I don't think it's right to romantically date two people at the same time, how ever after getting nuked during an engagement after hearing endless I'll love forever promises, the idea of spending too much time on a person who may ditch me for some totally stupid reason makes me cringe. So my view is un-romantic coffee dates may not count. Personally I wish there was a way people could sort life compatibility issues before any heavy romancing, it really hurts too much to lose someone you love.

My advice NTgirl is (just ask) and if you want something (say so)...if things were going really good with him, just say do you wish to be my Formal boyfriend and state your terms and make him meet them. There used to be traditions on this, some token was given to the girl showing exclusivity a coat a ring or locket something people can see. It is possible in his mind you were still a coffee date...perhaps he needs to re-adjust his definition on that a little. Why don't you just ask him what the deal is...you can still kick him to the curb afterwards if you wish.
Sorry that's the best Mael can do I find this stuff a bewildering maze... everyones definition of being a item seems to be hugely different...the only way to be sure, is to formally invoke couples status, in my opinion NTgirl. My best wishes to you. Mael

 

[Ste11aeres]

It is interesting that when grown people in your area say "going out with" or "dating" that means 'having sex with.'.

Does dating always include the idea that the people dating are having sex? I'd thought that dating is when two people specifically make arrangements to spend time with each other with the idea of initially getting to know the other person well enough to figure out if they are interested or not, and that there would then be a point at which one or the other would initiate a conversation about being interested, or not, as the case may be, in pursuing a relationship. And that it may or may not invlude having sex. Can people in a realtionship, who are waiting till they are married to have sex, use the word dating without it being taken as meaning they are having sex?

I wonder if the meaning of 'dating' varies? and how one knows what a person means when they say they are dating someone?

I think going out with someone romantically-but-non-sexually does count as dating, but in our culture people have so much sex that, if they are going out odds are they're also having sex.

 

[Maelstrom]

I agree Stellaeres but not everyone starts sucking faces off in the first 5 minutes, I like to start with friendship and see how things go...you know find out if there are any deal breakers, does she have her heart set on living on the south pole, is she or any of her family inclined to chase me with a butcher knife...just little things like that. So in my mind there is a line somewhere there where you shift from getting to know someone, to formal courting. That is why putting off the are we a item talk too long could be bad...it is definately not cool to date anyone else once romantic courting is started. Very bad, and trying to invoke the lets be friends thing after it's started so more shopping around can be done...automatically kills things forever...shows no loyalty a deal breaker on the marriage front...if you can't stick with me for a few months of dating why would I believe your promise of forever. Sorry a bad memory there! But maybe I'm stupid and playing the game wrong...tell me what you think I could use the help.

 

[Maelstrom]

"NTgirl4276, post: 231164, It did strike me as strange, though, that he did not say anything else either. No more elaboration, and he didn't even ask me if I was seeing anyone else. I interpreted this as him not really caring if I was or wasn't.

Now, weeks have passed, and I'm afraid that too much time has gone by. And, with the passage of time, I'm increasingly convinced that he's indifferent towards me. Sigh, I wish I had had your voice in my head at the time!!

HI NTgirl, Mael is going to get himself in trouble here, sorry to spoil the he's a horrible person party, which he may be. But you said he is autistic, with my doomed courtship which was extra stressful by most standereds, I suffered so much overload from all the problems and new stuff, it took 6 to 8 months for overload flashbacks to stop, it was like living in a Steven King movie and I'm fairly H/F.(perhaps a arguable point on my auti side)
Anyways your auti boy managed to get himself cornered by 2 women at the same time somehow, and I'm guessing handling that may have had his rivets close to popping on his boiler. My point is if he sat there flat faced and with almost no reaction to you, when you asked about his other woman, he may have basically gone into shutdown, knowing he was in a tight spot. So you really can't read anything into what he did after that point, shut down is shut down, he wasn't thinking anything at all just oh! cr..p! Bzzzzzzzzzzzz! So saying he was uncaring may be totally wrong, and afterwards when he came out of it, well he could have felt bad and been too embarrassed and just figured you hated him and gave up and walked away. It is actually a standard reaction for a auti to just throw in the towel and walk away without even explaining things, it's painful to admit shortcomings, it is easier to hide. I am not defending him, just pointing out there may be hidden reasons that make him look less nice and caring than he really was. If you really want to know the real story you will have to ask him quietly, and carefully, in a quiet comfortable place, in order for you to get him to open up and say what the real deal on the dating and his feelings for you were. My best wishes to you. Mael

 

[NTgirl4276]

oh I agree Maelstrom, I don't think he is uncaring at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with what he did whatsoever. I actually think he is a lovely, kind, and brilliant human being. I still wish I could date him! I admit that that is how I perceived his silence but I agree that there are many possible reasons for why things transpired the way they did.

I wish I could have said something in that moment to better understand the situation, but I couldn't manage to get any words out myself. From your insights, maybe it's better that I didn't force another question in that moment, if he did go into a shutdown of some sort.

I think you're also right that if I ever want to truly understand what happened, I need to approach him gently about it. But I don't think I can do that at this point. It has been a long five weeks of silence, and I think one of the most basic things I need in a partner is a willingness to at least say "hello."

 

[Ste11aeres]

oh I agree Maelstrom, I don't think he is uncaring at all. I don't think there's anything wrong with what he did whatsoever. I actually think he is a lovely, kind, and brilliant human being. I still wish I could date him! I admit that that is how I perceived his silence but I agree that there are many possible reasons for why things transpired the way they did.

I wish I could have said something in that moment to better understand the situation, but I couldn't manage to get any words out myself. From your insights, maybe it's better that I didn't force another question in that moment, if he did go into a shutdown of some sort.

I think you're also right that if I ever want to truly understand what happened, I need to approach him gently about it. But I don't think I can do that at this point. It has been a long five weeks of silence, and I think one of the most basic things I need in a partner is a willingness to at least say "hello."

I want to give you a big hug.

 

[NTgirl4276]

I want to give you a big hug.

I will gladly and wholeheartedly accept the virtual version. thank you so much!

 

[pax]

Waves....
Female here, but yes, depending on the definition, I have dated 2 guys at once. (ie non-sexual. non kissing going out situation.) This Happened many years ago, when the 3 of us were involved with a meetup/dating group - so obviously the whole object was to meet new people and if things went well to pursue a friendship or romantic relationship.

The first guy I was not romantically interested in. At all. In all honesty I just saw him as someone to to hang around with, but though I never led him on, he saw it differently. The second guy was seeing another girl, but she dumped him, and I started seeing him. I told guy one I was seeing guy 2 and there ended that "relationship" (which was no great loss.)As for guy 2 things progressed and we're now married.