multiple dating partners?

[Maelstrom]

Hi NTgirl, only you can decide what to do, it's your life and your heart, I was just pointing out how the actual reasons for a thing, and maybe incorrect perceived reasons, can cause ships to pass in the night. I have no idea how much he liked or loved you. With my ex-girlfriend I never went back to clear things it just hurt too much, but I did love her to bits and pieces, and would have done almost anything to make her happy if I could have figured out how to make it work. I will point out tho if you don't mind, waiting on him to come to you and explain or ask you back is doomed, us auties suffer so many disappointments in life the urge to withdraw and just walk away, and close our minds off to yet another heartbreak can be overwhelming. Even if he loved you very much, he will likely not come to you to fix it, without a fair amount of gentle but persistent persuasion on your part. I know that girls are not fond of this, and it seems unnatural to them, but things are what they are.
Shut down only happens in certain situations, and it goes away after the stress is removed I doubt he would be still suffering now unless the other girl is working him over, my situation was extra bad, I basically got tag teamed by a whole crazy family. I think if you took him to a quiet park and you work out your questions in advance, perhaps write them down in a letter for him to take home and think through, he may give you a good answer. But I really don't know how nice a person he is, or if he will just cut and run, but you really don't have much to lose, he will forget you and move on if you do nothing, it's up to you to decide what your heart is strong enough to take NTgirl. I wish you the best you seem awfully nice. Mael

 

[Ste11aeres]

Hi NTgirl, only you can decide what to do, it's your life and your heart, I was just pointing out how the actual reasons for a thing, and maybe incorrect perceived reasons, can cause ships to pass in the night. I have no idea how much he liked or loved you. With my ex-girlfriend I never went back to clear things it just hurt too much, but I did love her to bits and pieces, and would have done almost anything to make her happy if I could have figured out how to make it work. I will point out tho if you don't mind, waiting on him to come to you and explain or ask you back is doomed, us auties suffer so many disappointments in life the urge to withdraw and just walk away, and close our minds off to yet another heartbreak can be overwhelming. Even if he loved you very much, he will likely not come to you to fix it, without a fair amount of gentle but persistent persuasion on your part. I know that girls are not fond of this, and it seems unnatural to them, but things are what they are.
Shut down only happens in certain situations, and it goes away after the stress is removed I doubt he would be still suffering now unless the other girl is working him over, my situation was extra bad, I basically got tag teamed by a whole crazy family. I think if you took him to a quiet park and you work out your questions in advance, perhaps write them down in a letter for him to take home and think through, he may give you a good answer. But I really don't know how nice a person he is, or if he will just cut and run, but you really don't have much to lose, he will forget you and move on if you do nothing, it's up to you to decide what your heart is strong enough to take NTgirl. I wish you the best you seem awfully nice. Mael

I think an important factor is whether he is still seeing the other girl, or not. NTgirl, of course, has no way of knowing which scenario is the case. Re-initiating contact is the only way to find out, but of course there is the risk of further pain in such renewed contact. It is one of those risks in regards to which others cannot command: "take the risk", or "don't take it"; one simply has to decide for oneself whether or not to take it.

 

[Maelstrom]

I think an important factor is whether he is still seeing the other girl, or not. NTgirl, of course, has no way of knowing which scenario is the case. Re-initiating contact is the only way to find out, but of course there is the risk of further pain in such renewed contact. It is one of those risks in regards to which others cannot command: "take the risk", or "don't take it"; one simply has to decide for oneself whether or not to take it.

I agree Stellaeres she has a right to protect her heart...but I have advised NT girls on the he should make the first move thing before...it just doesn't happen in auti land, pretty much game over, we rarely make the first move on anything. I know how she feels, and why she wants it...she wants to feel loved. But in the real world you have to figure out what will make it work...not what you wish it was. It would be wonderful if he bought a dozen red roses, and rented a white pony, and swept her off her feet...in the real world she has to book the pony, and the photographer, buy the roses, and beg and charm and shove him onto the horse, to get her dream. Sorry Mael appologizes but he is a auti, been there, been stupid, lost the girls,...wish I was wrong.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I agree Stellaeres she has a right to protect her heart...but I have advised NT girls on the he should make the first move thing before...it just doesn't happen in auti land, pretty much game over, we rarely make the first move on anything. I know how she feels, and why she wants it...she wants to feel loved. But in the real world you have to figure out what will make it work...not what you wish it was. It would be wonderful if he bought a dozen red roses, and rented a white pony, and swept her off her feet...in the real world she has to book the pony, and the photographer, buy the roses, and beg and charm and shove him onto the horse, to get her dream. Sorry Mael appologizes but he is a auti, been there, been stupid, lost the girls,...wish I was wrong.

Oh, you misunderstood me. I know that if they were to reconcile she would have to initiate. I didn't mean that he should make the first move. I meant that it is "safer" for no one to make a move. I just meant that it is safer, (or one can feel that way, at least) in a way, to not reconcile. Relationships are painful. And reaching out carries a risk of rejection, of finding out that it won't work. Singleness is safe. (But one can decide that someone is worth the potential pain)

 

[NTgirl4276]

With my ex-girlfriend I never went back to clear things it just hurt too much, but I did love her to bits and pieces, and would have done almost anything to make her happy if I could have figured out how to make it work.

im so sorry to hear this, Maelstrom! I'm really grateful to you for sharing your experiences, which I know is not always an easy thing to do. but you're right, you have offered me insightful advice, here and on other threads, from such a genuine place of care and concern in your heart and for that, I thank you

It would be wonderful if he bought a dozen red roses, and rented a white pony, and swept her off her feet

funnily enough, I would likely be totally freaked out if he did that. traditional romance isn't my thing. you're right, though, that it never hurts to be "swept off your feet." except for me, "swept off your feet" looks more like a burger, French fries, and watching Netflix than horses and flowers.

I think an important factor is whether he is still seeing the other girl, or not. NTgirl, of course, has no way of knowing which scenario is the case. Re-initiating contact is the only way to find out

Yes! Exactly. It's such a strange thing, when I think more about it, this issue of multiple partners. Up until I found out about that, I was 100% okay with doing all of the initiating, being persistent, being brave with revealing my true feelings, etc. Everything Maelstrom has talked about I had surprised myself with how brave and open I had been!

But then, the second i found out about the other girl? Nope. Not anymore.

Weird, right?

 

[Vinca]

Yes! Exactly. It's such a strange thing, when I think more about it, this issue of multiple partners. Up until I found out about that, I was 100% okay with doing all of the initiating, being persistent, being brave with revealing my true feelings, etc. Everything @Maelstrom has talked about I had surprised myself with how brave and open I had been!

But then, the second i found out about the other girl? Nope. Not anymore.

Weird, right?

I kinda don't think it's weird , as something similar happened to me, ie finding out something about a partner and then not being able/wanting to be as emotionally exposed and potentially vaulnerable. For me, I'd found out that he'd lied about something important/serious, so it was as though I no longer trusted or believed that he would take care/be considerate of my heart and I wasn't able to be as open, giving and trusting as I had been previously. Finding out that the other person isn't as invested in the relationship can hurt.

 

[tree]

Initiating, being persistent, revealing true feelings....
Acting as if 'romantic' transactions were rational.
LOL
yeah.

Then stepping back to observe self and saying
WTH? That was me?

 

[James Dunn]

I find dating one person at a time a struggle and it becomes mechanical like sex to me.
I love dating but I find it so routine and I do not know if it is me or the aspie that makes it like that.

 

[Maelstrom]

Oh, you misunderstood me. I know that if they were to reconcile she would have to initiate. I didn't mean that he should make the first move. I meant that it is "safer" for no one to make a move. I just meant that it is safer, (or one can feel that way, at least) in a way, to not reconcile. Relationships are painful. And reaching out carries a risk of rejection, of finding out that it won't work. Singleness is safe. (But one can decide that someone is worth the potential pain)

It's okay Stellaeres I understand her guarding her heart. I don't understand why he would want to date anyone else, NTgirl is lovely enough to be Hellen of Troys understudy. I thought perhaps there was a small chance the other girl was some casual dating acquaintance pawned off on him by family or friends, before he met NTgirl. But compulsive serial daters are really bad bets, they wander from person to person like lost sheep always thinking maybe the next one will fit like Cinderellas slipper.

But it usually is better to focus on self improvement if you wish to attract someone better for you.

 

[Maelstrom]

It's such a strange thing, when I think more about it, this issue of multiple partners. Up until I found out about that, I was 100% okay with doing all of the initiating, being persistent, being brave with revealing my true feelings, etc. Everything Maelstrom has talked about I had surprised myself with how brave and open I had been!

But then, the second i found out about the other girl? Nope. Not anymore.

Weird, right?

No it isn't weird at all NTgirl I understand totally, (((HUGS))) for you, sorry he couldn't see how wonderful you seem to be...he let something nice slip through his fingers. Best wishes to you, maybe you will find someone twice as nice.

 

[Maelstrom]

Initiating, being persistent, revealing true feelings....
Acting as if 'romantic' transactions were rational.
LOL
yeah.

Then stepping back to observe self and saying
WTH? That was me?

Yes Tree romance is not for the faint of heart putting your self out there to be rejected, and being willing to open up and be vulnerable isn't easy. I tried so hard with my ex-girlfriend to open up and resist the temptation to pull back and protect my self, that smoke was almost literally coming out my ears, I would tell myself just hang on for one more day...just one more day, and maybe she will understand, and things will work out somehow. I know I should have walked away earlier, but my biggest fear is somehow my auti instincts are all wrong, and I will lose someone wonderful because I hid in my emotional turtle shell. It is a terrible thing facing a life of loneliness on one side, or risking being slaughtered by vultures in the love market on the other side. I think even a Angel might shudder if faced with such a cruel dilemma.

 

[NTgirl4276]

Initiating, being persistent, revealing true feelings....
Acting as if 'romantic' transactions were rational.
LOL
yeah.

Then stepping back to observe self and saying
WTH? That was me?

haha, you're right, tree. i have a tendency to over-rationalize my behaviors/actions, even the emotional ones.

It is a terrible thing facing a life of loneliness on one side, or risking being slaughtered by vultures in the love market on the other side.

truer words have never been spoken!

 

[Peace]

One of the things you may consider looking for in a partner is this, In the face of difficulty looking for the solution rather than the blame.
Also consider this, Love Happens. and like life, if finds a way. People get lost, Love does not.
"If You Want Something Bad Enough You Will Find A Way, If Not You Will Find An Excuse".

 

[Maelstrom]

haha, you're right, tree. i have a tendency to over-rationalize my behaviors/actions, even the emotional ones.

truer words have never been spoken!

I overthink things too sometimes NTgirl...or maybe almost all the time. Sometimes it's better to just let stuff slide...easier on the soul. How are you doing NTgirl you okay?

 

[NTgirl4276]

How are you doing NTgirl you okay?

I think I'm doing better with all of this today. it had been 5 weeks as of yesterday, and last night, I reached out with a simple text message and asked him how he is doing.

i didn't ask to see him and don't intend to pursue dating him again; my heart doesn't feel safe, and any restart of us dating will have to be initiated by him (and I recognize that that may never happen). but i have grown to really care about him and genuinely wanted to know how life is treating him.

ultimately, I didn't feel good about how things ended last month--with me basically disappearing into the night just because I couldn't respond to rejection in a more mature and respectful way. regardless of how hurt i was, i can't be a coward.

 

[psychotopsy]

I haven't dated more than one person at a time but I have dated someone who was also sort of dating someone else at a time. I was the only person they were seriously dating at the time but there were other people they were seeing. People see and understand these things differently. To me, this was no big deal because it wasn't really directly affecting me. I didn't feel like that made them love me less because thinking so would suggest that the amount of love someone can give out is limited and therefore lessened per person when there's more people the person loves. We did have rules and agreements though. If the person you are dating is seeing other people as well, there has to be a mutual understanding of what is happening and it has to be clearly communicated what each one of the people involved is comfortable with.
I personally just don't see the point in monogamy for myself. It doesn't mean I have the need to date more than one person at a time but being polyamorous means that I don't see the point of the restrictions monogamy creates. People get jealous because of the idea that a person can only love one person at a time. If you let go of that, you realize that a person can love multiple people at a time and that doesn't mean they love one person more than the other. Love is not limited like that. When I truly love someone, I don't want them to miss out on other people as well. That does not mean they would love me any less.
He might be thinking in a similar way. The problem is that he apparently didn't communicate clearly enough about this. I personally can be monogamous if that makes the person happy but then it's something I'm doing for them not myself because I don't need monogamy for myself. I communicate about this clearly, though. I always make sure everyone involved is happy with the situation and if not, I will try to fix it. It's perfectly understandable that a lot of people want to be the only one for the person they are interested in because that's how people grow up thinking about it. He could like you, he might just have a similar thought process as mine and he might have just not known how to communicate about it. Communication is key, otherwise relationships, especially poly relationships, just fall apart. Communication is what separates cheating from a healthy poly relationship.

 

[NTgirl4276]

I personally just don't see the point in monogamy for myself. It doesn't mean I have the need to date more than one person at a time but being polyamorous means that I don't see the point of the restrictions monogamy creates. People get jealous because of the idea that a person can only love one person at a time. If you let go of that, you realize that a person can love multiple people at a time and that doesn't mean they love one person more than the other. Love is not limited like that. When I truly love someone, I don't want them to miss out on other people as well. That does not mean they would love me any less.
He might be thinking in a similar way. The problem is that he apparently didn't communicate clearly enough about this... He could like you, he might just have a similar thought process as mine and he might have just not known how to communicate about it. Communication is key

this makes sense to me. I've actually articulated these arguments before, in defense of polyamory. despite being a monogamous person myself, polyamory seems (to me) the most logical way to approach relationships. other than recognizing the pervasive influence of culture, I have a hard time rationalizing why complex human beings seem to believe that one other human will be able to speak to all or most of their dynamic facets, in a way that feels mutually satisfactory for both parties involved. it makes infinitely more sense to me that we would seek multiple partners, because we are multidimensional and complicated beings.

for some reason, though, the theory doesn't translate into practice for me. genuinely not sure why.

 

[Maelstrom]

I agree with you NTgirl, even if one sets aside the moral issues polyamory, (which is just a cute way of saying I cheat if front of my partners face), I really don't think there are very many people who's minds are strong enough or cold enough, to handle competing for love against a third person without feeling cheated, shorted, or betrayed, on some level. I am not trying to be insulting but the public advocation polyamory a practise that is likely to cause considerable emotional damage to at least one of the three parties involved, doesn't exactly warm my heart much. I thought the point of this site was to help others avoid emotional damage.
Friendliness from me doesn't however require everyone live exactly like me, I understand life is a journey and we all start out on many different paths.

 

[Maelstrom]

I think I'm doing better with all of this today. it had been 5 weeks as of yesterday, and last night, I reached out with a simple text message and asked him how he is doing.

i didn't ask to see him and don't intend to pursue dating him again; my heart doesn't feel safe, and any restart of us dating will have to be initiated by him (and I recognize that that may never happen). but i have grown to really care about him and genuinely wanted to know how life is treating him.

ultimately, I didn't feel good about how things ended last month--with me basically disappearing into the night just because I couldn't respond to rejection in a more mature and respectful way. regardless of how hurt i was, i can't be a coward.

I'm glad you are feeling better NTgirl I hope you find your path on sorting or settling things with him, so your heart feels good again. I know how hard it is to lose a love, it nearly killed me. Best wishes Mael think happy thoughts NTgirl you are a lovely person, this wasn't your fault, and I'm sure happiness and love are still out there waiting for you.

 

[hiraeth]

I can't relate to exactly your situation, but I understand feeling hurt and/or betrayed by someone and needing space, perhaps indefinitely. I'm in an "awkward silence" stage with someone myself, and I'm not all that interested in initiating a reconciliation any time soon. Maybe in the future, when my situation has changed significantly, when I'm no longer in an obvious state of imbalance in relation to them that makes me so vulnerable to take advantage of.

Caring and respect is earned and must go both ways.

Take care of yourself, hope you find peace from all this.