In most cases, an "official diagnosis" is for one's own edification. There are enough resources out there to pretty much determine if one is an Aspie or not without spending über bucks or draining one's insurance carrier. I have fairly good coverage, so it wasn't a problem for me. For me, it clarified many things, plus it showed how the NVLD and PTSD factored in.
Still, I find it amazing how there are so many of us that share the same challenges and characteristics despite the age differences. For instance, what you said, "I hear everything in my workplace equally with equal attention paid to it - the sound of cart wheels squeaking, hand-scanners beeping, babies crying five registers away, etc." is exactly what I experience. People often think I have hearing problems because I ask them to repeat themselves, but it's because I hear too much. The Army physicians were amazed at how acute my hearing is.
I also found it refreshing to read that I'm not the only one that has difficulty with humor, or alleged humor. If you read my posts, you can see that I tend to be funny, but I've always had difficulty in understanding "jokes," especially when directed at me. Your comment, "i understand someone is just joking around but i freeze anyways cause i have no idea how i'm supposed to respond," is an apt description of me. One of my coworkers jokes around a lot with me, so I've had to learn how to respond since I was never sure if he was joking or being a bully. It has taken several years to figure it out.