Older Aspies and Younger Aspies

[Rocco]

DogwoodTree,
Cross country trips are THE best! I have gone coast to coast 3 times, I can't wait to go again.

 

[Mephisto]

31. I was diagnosed around 25. yes i wished i was taken somewhere far earlier in my life for treatment. But my father never listened to my step mother so here we are now. I didn't affect me at first and perhaps i do use it as an excuse as to why i fail at life , but its the truth. With earlier treatment i could have avoided getting denied by all those jobs. It would have made sense why i never had any real friends. It is so obvious now. I feel at times its a double whammy. First we have this 2008 stock market collapse and with it any hope of generation millennial living like the previous generation did and now with aspergers something i can not ignore that i have to deal with and ultimately know i will never get hired by a normal person even if i do ill get fired because of a quirks for people still do not understand aspergers or autism. My only hope is to seek out those who hired those of us with disabilities and hope for the best.

 

[Progster]

I'm 43 and I was diagnosed 2 years ago with AS. When I was growing up, the emphasis was very much on academic results and individual achievement rather than the culture of being a good team player which exists today. I can't remember ever being asked to work in groups, with the person next to me perhaps, but that's about all. Now there seems to be even more pressure to fit in and belong to a social group. Both my school and my parents very much had a 'pick oneself up by the bootstraps mentalily'. I don't think that I'd have done nearly as well in today's education system with its increased emphasis on joint projects, teamwork and social skills.

In primary school I had quite a few issues which drew the attention of the teachers, but excuses were always found for me because of my atypical family background (my mum died when I was a baby and I was sent to live with my grandparents for the first 6 years of my life) so when I had meltdowns, was fussy, refused to wear the nice new flowery dresses with the elastic cuffs my stepmum had bought me, hit my teacher, skipped morning assemblies and didn't want to learn joined up hand writing, the blame was put squarely on my grandparents for having spoilt me.

When I came near to puberty, I had two years in a row with rock bottom grades and my school wanted to put my in the class for slow learners. My parents were furious, because they were sure that I was intelligent and refused to allow the school to do that. So they made me sit every day after school and do intelligence tests, and they hired a private tutor for me. This private tutor, who was a remedial teacher and likely taught one or two autistic kids, suggested to my parents that I had autism, but my parents wouldn't hear of it because I was intelligent and the GP dismissed the idea because I was interacting with him (I had known him for years, felt comfortable with him and didn't go mute on him like I had with the remedial teacher).

During my teenage years I became very shy and withdrawn and rarely spoke in class, which again drew the attention of the teachers but they just thought I was painfully shy and that I had confidence issues, which indeed I had. At home I still melted down and caused problems and at 14 went through a period of 6 months of mild (undiagnosed) depression where I just wanted to be alone and not want to be talked to, but all this was dismissed as the usual teenage angst. I had become aware round about puberty that I didn't seem to connect with people and that all my my classmates had formed into cliques but I never seemed to be able to feel a part of them and even though I might have hung round the fringes I was never fully accepted or included, I felt left out, even ostracised. I noticed that when they were talking together in the common room, they were all laughing and joking but I was a blank, I felt nothing, the conversation flowed very fast and I could never think of anything to say. It was like watching TV, and that's what I called it, watching TV.

I went to university, and gained a bit of confidence there. I then went though a period of being very impulsive and doing some really silly things (due to special interests and social naivity) which are way too embarrassing to talk about. I was suddenly exposed to a lot of new situations such as serious relationships and I hadn't a clue how to handle them. I was very immature socially, and I was aware of it, but I blamed it on the fact that I didn't have much of a social life when I was a teenager so I simply hadn't learnt these things.

At the age of 30 I began to settle down and had my first serious long term relationship, and eventually got married to that person. Never wanted children though, at the back of my mind I always knew that I probably wouldn't cope well with having kids, and the idea terrified me, the upheaval, the noise, the change, kids demanding my attention, the responsibility... it was hard enough being in a relationship and trying to hold down a job, so how on earth would I manage having kids? So no children.

As for jobs, I was an EFL teacher and went through a succession of jobs where I lost the job, I quit, I burned out and left, teaching in the language schools never suited me and I always had classroom management issues because I simply never had the people skills to handle groups of children, I only ever saw the surface and could never see the more subtle things going on underneath and I couldn't guage the mood of the class. The kids knew this and exploited it to the full, I knew this and was very unhappy. I also had problems with accepting that my bosses wanted me to do things in their way and not mine, and I reacted at things like sudden timetable changes and often became snappy. I was diagnosed after my final burnout in 2012. I now do private tuition only and am a lot happier, though I still have issues - really I'm not suited to this line of work but I have no choice. It's sink or swim and Ihave to somehow keep myself afloat. I worry a lot about what will happen when I reach old age.

This is way longer than I intended, I don't usually write so much. If you read to the bottom of it, then I thank you for your time!

 

[RW1968]

I was officially diagnosed an aspie 6 weeks ago I am a 45 year old English man and have suffered from depression all my life, I guess from the constant searching for some sort of answer to why I didn't fit in (like most of us).

I cant understand how my family didn't see it, I feel frustrated with them and the world but now understand why(lol). I have had numerous jobs and hate to say that's probably because I didn't know I had aspergers.

I think younger aspies have the benefit of knowing and the help we all deserve but also the curse of prejudgement

 

[AsheSkyler]

I've never been officially diagnosed. When I first came across my own belief I was autistic, I was at first telling my mom I didn't blame her for not getting me diagnosed from her own suspicions and that it was a wonder she noticed at all since females are so hard to catch. Not too long after when I'd done a lot of reading, I changed it to thanking her for not acting on her suspicions. There is so much negative, patronizing, condescending ******** surrounding autism that it would have been bad for me to be raised with one more thing held against me by random people who don't know when to keep their mouth shut. It was rough growing up not knowing why I couldn't do some things as well as others, and also why other people sucked so badly at doing the things I excelled at, but I'd be an even bigger basketcase than I am now if I was also constantly hearing "she can't help it, she's defective/diseased/disabled" in addition to always being called a butcher, murderer, weakling, idiot, and freak based on my more obvious genetic individualities. The more I think it over, the less I want to pursue a diagnosis after my son is grown. I may get one if I ever decide to become a proper activist for autism and show that we're not these fragile little things to be babied. Kind of like tigers, they maybe endangered and need a little more help and protection than another critter like a squirrel, but they're still quite capable of biting your head off and holding their own and they wouldn't need help if mankind at large hadn't made such a bad series of situations they couldn't thrive in the first place. Perhaps my first mission as activist will be to get rid of those bloody TVs in Walmart at face level...

 

[radasp]

I had a complex path: at age 3-4 I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks. I developed phobias that came and went. But - I did very well academically, so no one believed there was anything with me, instead, I was a BAD, SELFISH girl. More or less, I was ignored and had to cope on my own. In my teens I began having bipolar symptoms, and in my twenties these became severe. Years of 'therapy' did nothing. It was Hell. Finally at age 36 I was diagnosed bipolar, which responded to Lithium. Talk about anger! 36 years of suffering, 36 years to get treatment. So much time wasted. Strangely, even with the bipolar controlled, I had a boatload of other problems, mainly the social stuff, and it took another 32 years for the Asperger diagnosis, but bright little girls just didn't have Aspergers, so I wouldn't have been diagnosed anyway.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

At almost 67 and recently dxed as Asper I may be among the oldest and most dithering on this forum.
Without dragging this out. I will repeat my position again.
My lack of social distractions allowed me to focus on me. Who I was, what I wanted and where I wanted to go. I gained some wisdom from my plethora of screw ups and still am overcoming my major obstacles.
The contrived, artificial, regimented, hierarchal system of social order based on the theory that the sociopaths that want to control or manipulate others are best suited to rule the weak willed, simple minded, and fearful.

Security and the acquisition of knowledge are mutually opposed.
One must sacrifice what they already know to learn something new. The desire of the masses to be secure in the beliefs of their own childhood limits their ability to learn new concepts, or accept diversity and to even mature to be self accepting humans.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I'm only 21 years old, I think it helped a great deal to a certain amount that I more or less grew up with what I have. I have come to accept it, understand it more and generally can help myself quite well in situations that I would otherwise find hard to deal with. Having that said, the country where I come from doesn't allow for people like me to get special help. 'As long as you can't see someone has a disability on the outside they're fine and they should behave find and if they don't they're outcasts and cannot function properly.' I run into that quite a lot myself lately. I certainly do need help with things, but I can get out of bed without help, I earn money without help, I can make dinner and do my laundry so 'I'm fine'. The biggest problem in there is the people that now tell me 'I'm just fine' are people that don't know anything at all about aspergers, autism or any kind of neurological or social handicap. They know what money is and which people shouldn't get extra money for extra help (me).

When younger I remember something similar, and how harsh it may sound my parents told me to behave as autistic as possible so they could get money to give me the help I needed (which I got, back then). However, due to me growing up and generally being able to handle myself quite well in situations that don't require any or much social interaction I can't get the help I need anymore.

We are here to help!

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I am 25 and I was diagnosed last year, just in time for me to get mentor support during my MSc year which has been a great help. While I have had a lot of problems over the years (the reason why I am finishing uni several years later than most) and having support, and understanding, earlier would have certainly made my life easier and probably happier, I think that I got my diagnosis at the perfect time. If I had know why I have the issues I have, I don't think I would have pushed myself so hard to achieve the things I have and learn how to function socially despite my problems. I might have used the aspie label as an excuse, as while it would have been easier and I may have avoided depression and social anxiety I think I am better off now for having determinedly struggled for years.

I feel the same about my dyslexia diagnosis. Although it was suggested by several teachers throughout my school years that I might be dyslexic I didn't pursue a diagnosis until my first year at uni. Instead I just worked extra hard in order to keep my English skills up to par. Having seen friends and other students using dyslexia as an excuse for not even trying to correct their sloppy spelling and grammar, I am glad I didn't have that excuse to fall back on (because I am pretty lazy by nature). Getting the diagnosis at uni was just in time to get allowances for my very slow reading and writing speeds when I actually needed it.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I'm 43 and I was diagnosed 2 years ago with AS. When I was growing up, the emphasis was very much on academic results and individual achievement rather than the culture of being a good team player which exists today. I can't remember ever being asked to work in groups, with the person next to me perhaps, but that's about all. Now there seems to be even more pressure to fit in and belong to a social group. Both my school and my parents very much had a 'pick oneself up by the bootstraps mentalily'. I don't think that I'd have done nearly as well in today's education system with its increased emphasis on joint projects, teamwork and social skills.

In primary school I had quite a few issues which drew the attention of the teachers, but excuses were always found for me because of my atypical family background (my mum died when I was a baby and I was sent to live with my grandparents for the first 6 years of my life) so when I had meltdowns, was fussy, refused to wear the nice new flowery dresses with the elastic cuffs my stepmum had bought me, hit my teacher, skipped morning assemblies and didn't want to learn joined up hand writing, the blame was put squarely on my grandparents for having spoilt me.

When I came near to puberty, I had two years in a row with rock bottom grades and my school wanted to put my in the class for slow learners. My parents were furious, because they were sure that I was intelligent and refused to allow the school to do that. So they made me sit every day after school and do intelligence tests, and they hired a private tutor for me. This private tutor, who was a remedial teacher and likely taught one or two autistic kids, suggested to my parents that I had autism, but my parents wouldn't hear of it because I was intelligent and the GP dismissed the idea because I was interacting with him (I had known him for years, felt comfortable with him and didn't go mute on him like I had with the remedial teacher).

During my teenage years I became very shy and withdrawn and rarely spoke in class, which again drew the attention of the teachers but they just thought I was painfully shy and that I had confidence issues, which indeed I had. At home I still melted down and caused problems and at 14 went through a period of 6 months of mild (undiagnosed) depression where I just wanted to be alone and not want to be talked to, but all this was dismissed as the usual teenage angst. I had become aware round about puberty that I didn't seem to connect with people and that all my my classmates had formed into cliques but I never seemed to be able to feel a part of them and even though I might have hung round the fringes I was never fully accepted or included, I felt left out, even ostracised. I noticed that when they were talking together in the common room, they were all laughing and joking but I was a blank, I felt nothing, the conversation flowed very fast and I could never think of anything to say. It was like watching TV, and that's what I called it, watching TV.

I went to university, and gained a bit of confidence there. I then went though a period of being very impulsive and doing some really silly things (due to special interests and social naivity) which are way too embarrassing to talk about. I was suddenly exposed to a lot of new situations such as serious relationships and I hadn't a clue how to handle them. I was very immature socially, and I was aware of it, but I blamed it on the fact that I didn't have much of a social life when I was a teenager so I simply hadn't learnt these things.

At the age of 30 I began to settle down and had my first serious long term relationship, and eventually got married to that person. Never wanted children though, at the back of my mind I always knew that I probably wouldn't cope well with having kids, and the idea terrified me, the upheaval, the noise, the change, kids demanding my attention, the responsibility... it was hard enough being in a relationship and trying to hold down a job, so how on earth would I manage having kids? So no children.

As for jobs, I was an EFL teacher and went through a succession of jobs where I lost the job, I quit, I burned out and left, teaching in the language schools never suited me and I always had classroom management issues because I simply never had the people skills to handle groups of children, I only ever saw the surface and could never see the more subtle things going on underneath and I couldn't guage the mood of the class. The kids knew this and exploited it to the full, I knew this and was very unhappy. I also had problems with accepting that my bosses wanted me to do things in their way and not mine, and I reacted at things like sudden timetable changes and often became snappy. I was diagnosed after my final burnout in 2012. I now do private tuition only and am a lot happier, though I still have issues - really I'm not suited to this line of work but I have no choice. It's sink or swim and Ihave to somehow keep myself afloat. I worry a lot about what will happen when I reach old age.

This is way longer than I intended, I don't usually write so much. If you read to the bottom of it, then I thank you for your time!

Progster, I relate to your post, I suspect that many here echo your experiences.
I don't think that we need to change and present a false persona to the world. I think that the world must grow up and start to actually treat all with respect and that love thing that they have yammered about for millennia, in the hope that love will be given to them without it being offered to others. It's do easy to talk ideals but difficult to attain.
Plan ahead, do something you love, old age gives you enough experiences to survive almost anything.
Thanks for your excellent and informative post.

 

[Progster]

Progster, I relate to your post, I suspect that many here echo your experiences.
I don't think that we need to change and present a false persona to the world. I think that the world must grow up and start to actually treat all with respect and that love thing that they have yammered about for millennia, in the hope that love will be given to them without it being offered to others. It's do easy to talk ideals but difficult to attain.
Plan ahead, do something you love, old age gives you enough experiences to survive almost anything.
Thanks for your excellent and informative post.

Thank you. I agree - at work I still wear the mask of professional conduct, but in private I'm very much my own person.

 

[fredvizsla]

Diagnosed at 63 after I realized my father was a classic Asperger (engineer, socially a loose cannon, etc) and that the reason we stuck together against the social world was due to me also being Asperger - my doctor confirmed with a sigh of relief for finally understanding why I'm me. So, being Asperger I had to jump into researching what it's all about. A quick summary: We're visual thinkers, which is not what non-visual people think it is. We mature FASTER intellectually than normal kids, which leads to our avoidance of social conventions (too infantile, conformist, hierarchical - dishonesty, no facts allowed, etc) AND possibly have brain processing more like pre-agriculture, pre-urban humans.

More on my blog: Asperger: The HypoSocial Human | Investigating the Asperger brain as a legacy of ancestral humans

 

[Beverly]

I'm 49, figured it out for myself a few years ago but, will never get an "official" diagnosis as, for personal and spiritual reasons, I DO NOT go to modern doctors at all, for anything.

I was raised in a bit of an old world family, females were the lesser, so it wasn't surprising that I was the clumsy, stupid girl. (Note that I do have a Mensa level IQ, but that was irrelevant to my parents and siblings.) I was only as smart as I sounded in conversation to them. My inability to find the correct word quickly meant they saw me as stupid. I accepted it then, it was all I knew but, as I got older, I realized how wrong they were. (Graduated Valedictorian from high school then, Magna Cum Laude from University.)

I accept what I am, an Aspie who is very intelligent and, quite skilled in both computers and cooking/homemaking. Sure I'm different, I'm not the best conversationalist, I don't like going shopping or crowds, yet I love attending concerts in which my friends are performing (and some are big name bands) I'm quirky, eccentric and, finally happy with myself. I'm content to be who I am and, if others don't want to be my friend, I know now that it is their loss, not mine because I'm a pretty cool lady.

 

[Karin]

I'm glad this thread got bumped. I've been reading all the posts and they are very interesting.

I'm a month short of being 52 and only discovered about a month ago that a large percentage of my quirks was due to me being on the spectrum. What I knew about autism came from watching 'Rain man' (I feel appropriately humble and apologetic).

I find the realization doesn't make a whole lot of difference to me. I was already at peace with being a creative thinker with a rich inner life and far out ideas, who can't fit into a regular job, can entertain a crowd but would rather spend time on-line or with my camera, wonder if I talked too much if I do attend a social gathering but know I can read people well enough to know they were okay.

The time when I might have felt the need for a diagnosis was in my early 40'ies. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and thought that was the reason for most of my feelings of being different and not fitting in. Once I had settled those issues, the reasons for my way of viewing the world didn't matter as much. 10 years ago I was on the verge of another depression and had severe stress. That was when I could perhaps have used the information. Instead I declined the offer of six weeks in the psychiatric hospital and took a healing class instead.

The only problem I still have with the way I am is that I still haven't found a way to make an income that doesn't make me sick. Right now it's on the shelf as I am currently hospitalized with my 11 yr old daughter in the psychiatric ward. She will be facing the direct opposite situation as me as her recently diagnosed PDD-NOS has caused her to regress to not being able to talk and not wanting to walk.

I guess once she is grown we can compare notes about the advantages of finding out about the spectrum early and late

 

[Adora]

I found out last year when I was 31,I had to go back to my childhood to see if the signs were there and it wasn't difficult to find them, I always had problems looking people in the eye and if I do try I have to keep looking away then back at them again,I'm extremely clumsy that I always got a bruise that I don't know where I got it from, I always have had hobbies and interests like I've been collecting barbie dolls and my little Ponies for years,I didn't fit in with other kids at school i never understood that mentality of having to wear the latest trends or liking something because it's popular or that everyone else is doing it,I'm very shy but get me going on a special interest I'll talk your ear off,also I'm a toe walker I asked my dr if this could also be part of autism and she said yes,I cry very easily and if If I'm really upset i will cry for hours because I always had problems with calming down and can take me a while to stop,also I have a brother with autism so the genetic thing is there too,at times I ask myself why did it take so long for someone to figure it out?,I've been through a lot and also got comorbids of C-PTSD and anxiety to go with it but sometimes I do ask myself what if they figured it out when I was still a child would of my life have been different but I'll never know and at least I did find out instead of never knowing at all what was really the reason why I felt different from everyone else.

 

[fredvizsla]

It just occurred to me that being an "old" Aspie may be a challenge. I'm used to doing everything for myself, from painting the house to finances, to car stuff, but I'm feeling "creaky" already and a bit lost: if I need help, where do I find it? And pay for it? And I just hate the idea of asking in the first place.

 

[Loomis]

It is three and one-half years since my diagnosis. Initially I was greatly relieved to finally understand why my communication and social interactions were so difficult. I resolved to interact more and improve my social skills and have made great progress. I researched medications and found a combination of drugs that have reduced my anxiety to a very low level and I began a program of morning and evening meditations. The result is that I am much happier, more relaxed and feel comfortable among NTs.

 

[tree]

RW1968

 

[Crossbreed]

I was diagnosed at 45. Up until then, my mother and I considered it to be the quirks of being gifted. (And non-ASD gifted have these same quirks.) The psychologist, who first diagnosed me, knew (and explained) the differences between gifted with and without ASD. What she said made sense and accounted for the other parts of my life where giftedness could not.

 

[DogwoodTree]

The psychologist, who first diagnosed me, knew (and explained) the differences between gifted with and without ASD.

I'm curious...which differences really stood out to you?