• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Still single

Status
Not open for further replies.
Markness said:
I worry that I will die without ever experiencing intimate love ever again.
Click to expand...
You need to offer a woman something before she's going to be attracted. If you're needy, worrying and complaining all the time then it's highly unlikely you'll attract any interest.

You need to have interests, prospects, positive energy, opinions, etc. Some reason why she would want to be around you.

If you don't offer anything positive then why would she want to be around you? She'll look elsewhere.

I've not had a girlfriend for a long time too. It's easier if you're working. I don't have the energy to work because of mental illness. But even so I can pursue interests with the energy I do have. And work on my personality. And get out whenever possible. Will it end with a girlfriend? I'm not optimistic, but you never know.

What I do know is that getting desperate isn't going to get me there. Complaining about it isn't going to get me there. Panicking isn't going to help either.

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh.
 
Life is still good without a girlfriend, Im okay after all! It's easy to chase distant mirages and neglect to live in the moment. Let's not rob of ourselves of contentment always thinking the grass is greener!
 
I spoke up about something on social media, and I'm likely to get blasted for it. Whatever. Anyway, I keep seeing these memes posted over and over that all basically say how someone just moved on because the other person couldn't reciprocate their love, didn't give them enough attention, didn't act, feel or speak the same or enough or as much as this person posting all of these deficiencies of the other.... and then it hit me really hard that this person posting said memes (and more likely whomever wrote them to begin with) might want to be checked for ASD / ADHD because it sounds a lot like someone was love-bombing, hyper-focusing and smothering their new crush - new crush got freaked and backed away or just couldn't handle it or understand it - and wa la...a failed relationship attempt. Now, I'm thinking about how many times I've actually seen this kind of thing. It's so, so many times. A lot of folks don't really know who they are or what they're doing or even why.
 
Chris12345 said:
You need to offer a woman something before she's going to be attracted. If you're needy, worrying and complaining all the time then it's highly unlikely you'll attract any interest.

You need to have interests, prospects, positive energy, opinions, etc. Some reason why she would want to be around you.

If you don't offer anything positive then why would she want to be around you? She'll look elsewhere.

I've not had a girlfriend for a long time too. It's easier if you're working. I don't have the energy to work because of mental illness. But even so I can pursue interests with the energy I do have. And work on my personality. And get out whenever possible. Will it end with a girlfriend? I'm not optimistic, but you never know.

What I do know is that getting desperate isn't going to get me there. Complaining about it isn't going to get me there. Panicking isn't going to help either.

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh.
Click to expand...
I don’t know how not to feel desperate or panic. My siblings were always dating and they’ve gotten married while I still have failed to just get dates.
 
Markness said:
I don’t know how not to feel desperate or panic. My siblings were always dating and they’ve gotten married while I still have failed to just get dates.
Click to expand...
At least you're honest about it. Maybe if you turned your attention to other things for a while - hobbies, interests, a new project.

Maybe also go a bit easier on yourself. Your siblings aren't autistic (I'm guessing). Make allowances for that.
 
Markness said:
I don’t know how not to feel desperate or panic. My siblings were always dating and they’ve gotten married while I still have failed to just get dates.
Click to expand...

Then, it sounds like as a next logical step, you should be redirecting your efforts into not feeling desperate and not panicking, and coming off as a self-assured man?
 
Forest Cat said:
I'm alone now and I sometimes feel a little panic creep up on me too. Late in the evening when I'm tired after a long day and the house feels empty and too quiet. Like most people, I don't want to be alone forever. But thinking about "what ifs" and the worst case scenario is not good. No one knows what will happen in the future, so focusing on the worst thing that could theoretically happen, is just not good.

I think it's called "catastrophic thinking"? 🤔 You have to distract yourself and be strong, push through it and think about other things. Do something that keeps you from sitting still and thinking about catastrophes. That's all we can do, that's what people have to do. We don't have many choices.
Click to expand...

It can be a very real aspect of autism.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autism-catastrophising
 
I've been on the catastrophisation train today, and I'm miles down the tracks. I did manage to step off by cleaning the bathroom and listen to Eckhart tolle on my phone. It's almost impossible to think my way out of a situation, it's like trying to escape a spiders web. Rather I have to be in 'doing' and 'being' mode.
 
I do it as well. My mind goes into the future and creates the most miserable situations and scenarios, where I'm losing control of my life, etc. Distant scenarios that will probably never happen. It's not a pleasant thing. It seems to be a lot easier to think negative thoughts than positive ones (for me at least). Part of depression maybe, and anxiety.

I just watched an Eckhart Tolle clip too. He was saying that the thing that makes people unhappy is the interpretations they put on things, not the thing itself.

So to apply that to the example of being single. In itself it's just a fact, which is neutral. It's all the spin that is associated with the fact in someone's mind that makes it seem horrendous.

With me the problem is not so much being single, but it's more basic than that - it's the way I feel. That's very flat and unenthusiastic, a sort of drained and weary feeling.

I'm pretty sure that's caused by mental illness. It's not a bad attitude or anything like that. But I'm not sure how to apply his advice to that feeling.

I suppose it's about attitude, I can still choose my attitude to some extent, despite those feelings. But I can't choose to feel energetic and enthusiastic - that's what hurts the most. I can't change that feeling I always have.

That's the thing that I have a hard time accepting, because enthusiasm is so basic in life. It's not that I have zero enthusiasm, because I manage to do some things, like post this. But it's the feeling that does the damage, even more than it is thoughts.

It would be interesting to talk to Tolle about this and get his advice. I'm always searching for some way to look at things that would bring relief.

Sorry to write such a lengthy response that drifts off topic a bit (if anyone's still reading!).
 
No don't worry, a post could be 2500 words, if it's set out in bite size chunks with good grammar, like yours, I'll read it!

Ok going into discount Buddha mode:-

I think it's the human condition to be more negative than positive. The negative bias kept us alive when we were cavemen didn't it. But it can get dysfunctional when all our basic needs are taken care of and we've got just our thoughts for company.

My interpretation of Eckhart Tolle was that he was talking about how we're running from ourselves and we can't sit in silence because we don't like ourselves and if we don't like us how are we gonna tolerate other people long enough for them to fix us!! My one and only relationship was a disaster! He mentioned the French philosopher that said "most of humanities problems come from an inability to sit with ourselves in a room in silence" (approximately).

Even armed with this knowledge, Im still running a marathon everyday 😁

Weariness, I know it well. Mind body connection. Perhaps you grew up with depression because your needs weren't being met. Now your body is paying the bill.

The good news is our brains are primitive and we can trick it, but it takes people like us effort. Smiling when you don't feel like it. Laughing for no reason. Doing very moderate exercise. Not nurturing draining thoughts, always staying in the moment and making productive lists, helping others helps us get the feeling of being worth something.

Having a heart of lead (think I stole that from a blues song haha) will make it seem like it's an impossible task.
 
That's Pascal you're referring to, who said the thing about people not being able to sit quietly in a room and that being the cause of all humanity's problems. There's probably a lot of truth in that.

Eckhart makes a lot of points, it's hard to sum it all up in one sentence. The stuff about living in the now seems to be the key. It's like he's talking about a completely different way of being, immersed deeply in the present moment. That's what he seems to be saying in 'the power of now'.

In my case it's because I have schizoaffective disorder. That seems to be a genetic thing and may be linked to being autistic. With that illness there's a lot of things that can occur (depression, bipolar type symptoms, psychosis) but the worst of it is the effect on energy and motivation - enthusiasm basically.

My childhood was fine, it's not that. It's just illness really. The hard thing is keeping my spirits up and not getting too dejected about it.
 
Ah yes Pascal, that's the name.

I had a friend with schizoaffective, his medication made him have marathon sleeps. It made him, I believe, have quite a flat affect. Maybe it's part of the illness then.
 
thejuice said:
I've been on the catastrophisation train today, and I'm miles down the tracks. I did manage to step off by cleaning the bathroom and listen to Eckhart tolle on my phone. It's almost impossible to think my way out of a situation, it's like trying to escape a spiders web. Rather I have to be in 'doing' and 'being' mode.
Click to expand...
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you!
 
Same start, woke up anxious, came on here, get triggered by the intense negative energy. I need to take my happy pill earlier and not 10 hours late today. Make a plan, perhaps take a break from here to not get dragged down. Work on myself and any control issues @jsilver256
 
Let me put it in a completely different context. If you had 13% body fat and were a billionaire, you'd have no shortage of women competing for you.

Now, obviously, the chances of achieving either ultimate success or ultimate looks are slim, but all of us can figure out a way to offer more than our current selves. Does that make sense?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

New Threads

Top Bottom