Still struggling to socialize

[AO1501]

Yes, of course you can.

There are difficulties only in the sense that you obviously lack a wide range of experiences that might be 'normally' expected of someone your age, and that can cause some issues, but as is quite usual, it just needs finding the right person... or the right person finding you.

There is nothing inherently wrong with people who have little or no relationship experience. It's not unusual of course for those of us on the spectrum, because relationships are social constructs with rules and expectations many of us don't really understand well - or at all - but they aren't as hard to learn as may seem likely.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I crave for what I’ve wanted since I was a teen. But I have nothing to show for my years of toil.

I feel like others are still telling me they don’t want me to have a girlfriend or they think I need to pretend to be happy.

Not one is saying that here. I use too think crazy things like people were out too get me or no one liked me. Or the big one, people ignored me so they hated me until I actually as Nike says "Just do it" to actually approach women to find out they don't hate me. If they are hateful then they have issue, but I know who to avoid in places like the gym and I have not encounter or approach them.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

The simple answer is that you can have a relationship at any age. I was 46 when I went on my first date.

I'm your age and still never been on a date but I am hopeful I will be on my first date some day. I am even open for double dating with a couple friend to ease the nerves the first time. Exchanging numbers is hard even before asking someone out and this is when you find out their single.

 

[UberScout]

"You search for another heart, but it must search for you. It's out there, I'm tellin' ya. But the reason you haven't found it yet, is because you are looking in the wrong places. You must understand, if you are searching for treasure, you must look where nobody else walks among each other. You must search in a place where leaves fly and birds pick berries..."

 

[Misery]

I feel like others are still telling me they don’t want me to have a girlfriend

Nobody is doing that! This place aint like that. I still dont know where this bit is coming from.

they think I need to pretend to be happy.

I dont think anyone said that either.

I can tell you what many HAVE said though, which is to stop beating yourself up. To stop with telling yourself how awful you think you are, and stuff like that. That's very different from "just pretend to be happy".

 

[AspieChris]

I am about to turn 35 and have little to no history of romance to draw experience from. Can I even still have a relationship happen at my life despite those two factors?

My brother-in-law is a jackass…. but he stayed single until he was your age. He met a woman, got married, and had his first child within a year.

There’s no timeline. Just be yourself: honest, helpful, intellectual, etc. She might be out there looking for you, but she’s going to stay away if you’re sad all of the time.

And it totally sucks to say this, but the older and more desperate you feel…. women are feeling it too. Your “quirks” become less annoying as the women get older.

 

[Markness]

I often wonder why what I want still hasn’t happened after so many years of trying. One of my detractors claims I haven’t been “trying hard enough” but they don’t know what I have to deal with in my day to day living.

 

[Markness]

Nobody is doing that! This place aint like that. I still dont know where this bit is coming from.

I have the belief that those who dislike me don’t want me to have anything I wish for to happen in my life.

 

[tree]

I have the belief that those who dislike me don’t want me to have anything I wish for to happen in my life.

Yes, you do.

And how is maintaining focus on that idea helping you?

 

[Slime_Punk]

She might be out there looking for you, but she’s going to stay away if you’re sad all of the time.

I have to agree with this. Part of dating is pretending like you have your (you know what) together when you're really just as messed up (if not more, but that doesn't matter) than the average person.

It's not a bait and switch if you gradually warm them up to your quirks, but it's a bonus if they're cool with your quirks anyway or just get used to them over time!

 

[Markness]

Yes, you do.

And how is maintaining focus on that idea helping you?

I think it’s given me a sense of urgency but I keep hitting dead ends.

 

[tree]

You feel pressured and consider anything less
than your imagined perfect outcome to be a
dead end.

 

[AspieChris]

It's not a bait and switch if you gradually warm them up to your quirks, but it's a bonus if they're cool with your quirks anyway or just get used to them over time

That’s exactly how my relationship with my wife began.

 

[Markness]

That’s exactly how my relationship with my wife began.

My parents scoffed at me for wanting a relationship based around mutual love and interests. My parents think relationships should be based around how much money both people in the relationship makes.

 

[VictorR]

My parents scoffed at me for wanting a relationship based around mutual love and interests. My parents think relationships should be based around how much money both people in the relationship makes.

And how has that been working out for them?

 

[Markness]

And how has that been working out for them?

My mother is on her fourth marriage and she argues with my stepfather over many things. She’s very unhappy but puts on a mask of superiority to appear like she’s doing better than anyone else.

My father has been married three times and he mentioned being “separated” from his third wife. He still probably has mistresses on the side and is constantly going through drama.

 

[Markness]

I think the important thing for you to remember is that your parents are just people with their own view on life and their own way of doing things. And that doesn't really have much to do with your life. I mean, you are three different people. So if they disagree with you about something, like love, it doesn't really matter. You have to do what you want to do. If they scoffed at you for something, just let them do that. People don't agree about everything and that's ok.

I’ve given up the ghost on ever making them see things differently a long time ago. I just want them to stop sabotaging my life.

 

[Slime_Punk]

That’s exactly how my relationship with my wife began.

Same, and while I don't condone what I've done in the past (and I'm glad it's behind me), it would've never been possible at the time without large quantities of alcohol (but sustaining a marriage was equally impossible this way).

If there's any takeaway from this, it's just a testament to how unbelievably difficult ASD often is to deal with* (not that drugs are awesome, because their negative affects are far-reaching), so it's no wonder why a lot of us have gone to great lengths to mask our problems and try to blend in as best as we possibly could.

*= and that men have their own unique issues when dealing with relationships on the spectrum

Without my poor life decisions, I'd be in the exact same boat as @Markness . Sober me is a social moth / nerd

 

[1992Machine]

I am about to turn 35 and have little to no history of romance to draw experience from. Can I even still have a relationship happen at my life despite those two factors?

of course you can <3
The right person is around the corner, probably thinking the same thing. Age is just a number, you're perfect for somebody.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

@Markness you are not even that old to even be single really. 34-35 is not old. Not at all. I know woman older than you that are still single.