Still struggling to socialize

[AspieChris]

I didn't say to only find a girlfriend and have a child just to prove his parents wrong, I just meant that he's more capable than what his parents think and so if he was to find a girlfriend and have a child (because that's what he wants to do) then it would prove them wrong.

Absolutely true. I was speaking in more general terms, not specifically to anyone here.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I went to the park event yesterday and socialized. There was one woman I wanted to talk to who was sitting by herself. When I followed her to get snacked as she was also quiet she opened up when she talked to this other woman about a jello shots she made. I did talk to her a bit after.

After when we were by ourself again I asked her if this is her first time she said she been here before. I said I came my first time last month. She said too. Now I don't know how to interpret this but the she walked away to a woman with a dog and started to pet it. I don't see it as anything bad. I did talk to her and she was friendly.

 

[AspieChris]

I went to the park event yesterday and socialized. There was one woman I wanted to talk to who was sitting by herself. When I followed her to get snacked as she was also quiet she opened up when she talked to this other woman about a jello shots she made. I did talk to her a bit after.

After when we were by ourself again I asked her if this is her first time she said she been here before. I said I came my first time last month. She said too. Now I don't know how to interpret this but the she walked away to a woman with a dog and started to pet it. I don't see it as anything bad. I did talk to her and she was friendly.

Practice, practice, practice.

She might have been playing ’hard to get’, or maybe she wasn’t interested in continuing your conversation at all. But just remember that all women are aware that there are creepy guys hanging out in public places, looking for a victim. The cruel irony is that any woman you could build a meaningful relationship with is probably not going out on a date with some random guy who approached her on a park bench.

These things take a lot of time. You might be better off getting involved in doing something that naturally lends itself to socializing. Maybe get a dog so that people might see you every day at the park. Maybe start playing chess at the park if there’s a place for it and people compete. Even riding a bicycle or just flying a kite regularly at the same park. If you can make yourself seem like you’re NOT just trying to find a woman, eventually someone will want to talk to you about your hobby and you won’t have to initiate the conversation.

It seems counterintuitive but the harder you try to meet that someone special, the more you’ll seem like that creepy guy at the park who scares off women. And the moment they get a ‘bad feeling’ about you, they never really get over it…. forever.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

@AspieChris it was a social event which means you went up to people you don't know to approach. Nothing creepy about it. Also everyone wore name tags. I already knew her name was Jennifer.

 

[AspieChris]

@AspieChris it was a social event which means you went up to people you don't know to approach. Nothing creepy about it. Also everyone wore name tags. I already knew her name was Jennifer.

Oh…. I must have missed that.

Then good on you! That first sentence must have been hard for you. I have learned how to approach people I don’t already know because my job has me going into businesses every day, but that moment leading up to the first contact causes me such stress that I’m always trying to trick my coworkers into going in first whenever there’s two of us. I even volunteer to do all of the heavy lifting if they can just go in and find out who we’re supposed to see.

Everyone thinks I’m just physically strong but It’s really just that I’m terrified of new faces.

 

[AspieChris]

No matter what happens, you’re going to have plenty of failures before any success. And each failing gets you closer to a win. Maybe it’s a good thing that it didn’t go how you had hoped. You got one out of the way and it didn’t end with a slap in the face.

 

[Mary Terry]

I went to the park event yesterday and socialized. There was one woman I wanted to talk to who was sitting by herself. When I followed her to get snacked as she was also quiet she opened up when she talked to this other woman about a jello shots she made. I did talk to her a bit after.

After when we were by ourself again I asked her if this is her first time she said she been here before. I said I came my first time last month. She said too. Now I don't know how to interpret this but the she walked away to a woman with a dog and started to pet it. I don't see it as anything bad. I did talk to her and she was friendly.

That's a good start, Tony. Keep on practicing socializing like you did at the park. It should start getting easier over time.

 

[Rodafina]

Nice to read your good news, Tony.

Now I don't know how to interpret this but the she walked away to a woman with a dog and started to pet it. I don't see it as anything bad. I did talk to her and she was friendly.

I think your instincts are right. Nothing bad about this. She was just interested in the dog. It doesn’t say anything negative about your conversation with her. I can only imagine that she walked away from the encounter thinking that you were a fine fellow.

 

[Markness]

I didn't say to only find a girlfriend and have a child just to prove his parents wrong, I just meant that he's more capable than what his parents think and so if he was to find a girlfriend and have a child (because that's what he wants to do) then it would prove them wrong.

I also want to prove my detractors here wrong about me.

 

[Hypnalis]

You have no detractors here.

What you have in your mind is a fantasy, self-created to help you ignore any useful advice you find uncomfortable.
In order to change (as you must), you need to stop assigning "blame" to external actors.

Improvement comes though adapting as best you can to the real world. Problems/solutions; objectives/plans, etc.
If something or someone is in your way, it's a problem that's between you and your objective. Don't stop and complain - go around.

It's not too late to get started. Yet. You're in, or close enough to, the "sweet spot" for another 5-7 years.

But children are hard work for both parents. If you're not rich enough to hire a full time carer to help, planning to have your first child (as a male) at 45 or more would be foolish.

 

[Masked Man]

I also want to prove my detractors here wrong about me.

I think I need to understand the layers here:

1. What do you feel "detractors" believe about you?
2. What is it they believe that you feel is wrong?
3. What do you plan to do to prove they are "wrong?" How does that plan look and how are you going to make it happen?

 

[AspieChris]

You have no detractors here.

What you have in your mind is a fantasy, self-created to help you ignore any useful advice you find uncomfortable.
In order to change (as you must), you need to stop assigning "blame" to external actors.

Improvement comes though adapting as best you can to the real world. Problems/solutions; objectives/plans, etc.
If something or someone is in your way, it's a problem that's between you and your objective. Don't stop and complain - go around.

It's not too late to get started. Yet. You're in, or close enough to, the "sweet spot" for another 5-7 years.

But children are hard work for both parents. If you're not rich enough to hire a full time carer to help, planning to have your first child (as a male) at 45 or more would be foolish.

Having a child @ 45 means having a teenager @ 60. That never ends well. And it’s basically selfish.

 

[AspieChris]

I also want to prove my detractors here wrong about me.

To “prove them wrong” usually implies that you’ll get some satisfaction from getting an apology of some sort, or at least seeing them get angry at your success. It’s never going to happen. They always simply ignore your success and move on to the next person that they can berate.

Whatever you end up doing…. Do it for yourself. The only way to win is to stop playing the game.

 

[Masked Man]

To “prove them wrong” usually implies that you’ll get some satisfaction from getting an apology of some sort, or at least seeing them get angry at your success. It’s never going to happen. They always simply ignore your success and move on to the next person that they can berate.

Whatever you end up doing…. Do it for yourself. The only way to win is to stop playing the game.

I think this is a great point and a great learning tool: Other people generally don't care about you.

I don't mean this in a bad way. I mean, other people have their own lives they are trying to live, they have their own problems they are trying to sort out, and their own things they are worried about. No one is thinking about what you are doing.

For myself, once I realized this it was literally liberating and my anxiety, while it didn't go away completely, it became much improved.

 

[tree]

https://www.marcandangel.com/2022/12/23/7-reasons-to-stop-proving-yourself-to-everyone-else/
https://columbusunderground.com/the-prove-them-wrong-mentality/This article is written with a business terminology. Substituting the word
"person" for the term "founder" renders it useful for an individual.

"Founders who stay too focused on the detractors and disbelievers end up putting too much time and energy toward proving them wrong which could otherwise be applied more positively and constructively elsewhere. If a founder remains in a ‘prove them wrong’ mentality and doesn’t mature past the negativity and disbelief around it, it will eventually fatigue them."

The final paragraph summarizes the short article:
"If you are a founder who finds themselves trying to prove people that don’t matter wrong, pause and come to terms with the fact that this is wasted energy and time. Be intentional about focusing your efforts instead on your supporters and backers. They’ve earned your time and energy. Choose your motivation wisely and then leave the others behind."

 

[AspieChris]

For myself, once I realized this it was literally liberating and my anxiety, while it didn't go away completely, it became much improved.

I figured it out in my 20’s. Ironically, that was when my life started really flying. Nobody could hurt me because I didn’t care at all what they thought. And since I wasn’t spending time thinking about what they thought…. I had more time to excel at life than they had because they were spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to beat me.

Life is kicking my butt right now because of all of the awesome things I did back then (i.e. my career, house, family). But still, nobody can hurt me because I just don’t think about what they think.

There’s a few exceptions of course, but I’m really good at pretending that I’m not affected by what anyone thinks about me

 

[Masked Man]

There’s a few exceptions of course, but I’m really good at pretending that I’m not affected by what anyone thinks about me

Agreed and another thing I have learned is that, generally, people who have high levels of self-esteem are not the ones putting others down for any reason. People who have higher levels of self-esteem are generally more accepting and positive, whereas people with low levels of self-esteem feel like they need to knock down others to gain a space in whatever hierarchy exists in their mind.

Those are the ones who have to one-up every story you've got, or gatekeep your hobby, or whatever it might be. The ones who are not concerned about their status (*generally) don't do these things.

*The caveat here is there are people are have narcissistic or non-violent psychopathic traits, which is another thing entirely.