Still struggling to socialize

[Markness]

Without my poor life decisions, I'd be in the exact same boat as @Markness . Sober me is a social moth / nerd

Not drinking to the point I vomit every day and night is partly why I became a pariah. Hypocritically, I live in the Bible Belt and was constantly preached to about how bad alcohol is supposed to be but most socialization in this crappy culture revolves around beer drinking.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't want Markness to leave the forum.

 

[Misty Avich]

Not drinking to the point I vomit every day and night is partly why I became a pariah. Hypocritically, I live in the Bible Belt and was constantly preached to about how bad alcohol is supposed to be but most socialization in this crappy culture revolves around beer drinking.

That is true. I believe I don't have many friends because I don't drink alcohol. As an ASD person, I think I'd have more friends if I drank. Other ASD people who drink seem to fit in with their NT peers better.
I suppose drinking enhances their social skills and any social errors they may make is socially acceptable when drunk, and if they're being loud and chatty and confident then they are going to get approval from their peers, even though their peers see them sober as well they still seem to just focus on them being drunk and somehow think it's their whole personality or something.
It's sad we live in a society where drinking is widely appealing. I've even read in magazines about young NT people who are lonely because they don't like drinking.

 

[AspieChris]

My mother is on her fourth marriage and she argues with my stepfather over many things. She’s very unhappy but puts on a mask of superiority to appear like she’s doing better than anyone else.

My father has been married three times and he mentioned being “separated” from his third wife. He still probably has mistresses on the side and is constantly going through drama.

Proof that their way of thinking is wrong

 

[AspieChris]

I’ve given up the ghost on ever making them see things differently a long time ago. I just want them to stop sabotaging my life.

I did that at 19 with my father when he was responsible for me almost drowning after a sad attempt at “reconnecting” with me (not even close to exaggerating). That’s the last time I had any contact with him.

I did that at about 28 with my mother and my whole family, also the last time I had any contact with any of them. I finally realized that money and stature were the only thing that she cared about, and that she would use my family members to get to me.

Dad was absent, even when he was in the room. Mom was physically abusive when I was young. Psychologically abusive and controlling when I grew up. Neither were actually parents. Getting free from them was the only move to save my life.

 

[AspieChris]

t would've never been possible at the time without large quantities of alcohol (but sustaining a marriage was equally impossible this way).

I’m somehow currently sustaining a marriage, fatherhood, career, house, etc. All with “large quantities of alcohol”. It works until it doesn’t, and eventually it always doesn’t.

 

[AspieChris]

That is true. I believe I don't have many friends because I don't drink alcohol. As an ASD person, I think I'd have more friends if I drank. Other ASD people who drink seem to fit in with their NT peers better.
I suppose drinking enhances their social skills and any social errors they may make is socially acceptable when drunk, and if they're being loud and chatty and confident then they are going to get approval from their peers, even though their peers see them sober as well they still seem to just focus on them being drunk and somehow think it's their whole personality or something.
It's sad we live in a society where drinking is widely appealing. I've even read in magazines about young NT people who are lonely because they don't like drinking.

I wanted a ‘normal’ life when I was young. Friends, football, birthday parties, relationships. But it was because everyone told me that’s what was wrong with me, not having those things. Everything changed when I discovered alcohol in my early 20’s. Now I’m 50 and desperately trying to untie the knot of needing alcohol to handle all of my responsibilities without losing everything I need to keep everything I love.

My advice to anyone on the spectrum….. alcohol will help you get everywhere you want to go, but those might be places you shouldn’t be going in the first place. If you cant do it sober, then maybe you just cant do it.

 

[Markness]

of course you can <3
The right person is around the corner, probably thinking the same thing. Age is just a number, you're perfect for somebody.

But how will I ever meet her?

 

[Sasha22]

I think trying too hard and pressuring yourself does indeed makes it more difficult to find the "right person" (or one of the people who could be "right"). Being nicer to yourself might help figure out the roadmap toward that person - since I hope you're doing it for you, to make you happy, not to please your parents or to make society more comfortable with your lifestyle.

As for the age thing, I've met quite a few people who got married relatively young "because you must", and didn't sound so happy. And others who partnered up later and were better equipped to make it work.

I was told years ago that dating being a "numbers game", you had to do it a lot before meeting the one. Yet in my experience, the less targeted/specific a meeting is, the less likely it is that I will get anything out of it. I never found generic meet-ups to bring much fulfilment, and generally connect better with people when there's a common special interest involved, something that sounds like me, or that sounds particularly exciting in whatever it is they do or in the way they live.

 

[Masked Man]

I crave for what I’ve wanted since I was a teen. But I have nothing to show for my years of toil.

I feel like others are still telling me they don’t want me to have a girlfriend or they think I need to pretend to be happy.

I see a pattern of doom and gloom in your posts. You have a habit of ending your posts with a sad face. This suggests to me that you are not skilled in managing your emotions.

It's not wrong to be sad, but you need to learn how to self-soothe. You seem to spend a lot of time seeking pity from others. If you do this in public, this will be off-putting and will have the opposite effect that you desire. No one wants to be around someone who needs constant, on-going emotional support.

It's not "pretending to be happy." It's learning how to process the negative emotions you feel in a way that's healthy and not damaging to yourself.

Do you see a therapist? You may want to talk about this if you do.

 

[AspieChris]

But how will I ever meet her?

You don’t “meet her”. You go out and enjoy your life. She will meet you.

 

[Misty Avich]

You don’t “meet her”. You go out and enjoy your life. She will meet you.

I met my husband just casually getting on a bus one Monday morning on my way to the mall. I wasn't expecting it and, 9 years later, well, we're happily married.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad though, I'm just saying that you have hope like I did. And I believe you will find that special girl one of these days.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

My yoga teacher Tashya says I will meet someone when I am not looking. It's hard to believe that but I understand what she says.

 

[Misty Avich]

My yoga teacher Tashya says I will meet someone when I am not looking. It's hard to believe that but I understand what she says.

Yes that's exactly what happened to me. I was tired of getting married men asking me on dates or men who were single but I didn't have feelings for in that way. I also tried dating sites but I didn't get on with them and I felt I couldn't connect with anyone there.
So I decided to just accept that I was single and that the right man will come along when I least expect it, and so I just got on with things. And it only took a few short weeks until the right man (my husband) DID come along. He also thought he was never going to fall in love again and had almost decided to give up. Then fate seemed to put him on the same bus as I was on on the same day at the same time and happiness followed.

But I was once like the OP - feeling lonely and down and like I had no hope. But in my eyes the OP has just as much hope as anyone else and I think he will find what he deserves (a nice girlfriend).

 

[Markness]

I think trying too hard and pressuring yourself does indeed makes it more difficult to find the "right person" (or one of the people who could be "right"). Being nicer to yourself might help figure out the roadmap toward that person - since I hope you're doing it for you, to make you happy, not to please your parents or to make society more comfortable with your lifestyle.

My parents never encouraged me in regards to finding love. In fact, they discouraged me more than anything. My mother even flat out told me “You don’t need a girlfriend!”, that I couldn’t handle being a parent, and even offered to have me undergo a vasectomy. Even when it was clear I couldn’t get a date and the opposite sex showed no interest in me, she still pushed that offer onto me. I had to finally raise my voice at her and tell her to stop.

 

[Hypnalis]

My yoga teacher Tashya says I will meet someone when I am not looking. It's hard to believe that but I understand what she says.

In 2023, this is true for some NT's, but not even a majority. For males, perhaps as much as 25%.
The majority of ND males who "wait for the one" are likely to wait forever.

Unless, of course, they make themselves more "NT compatible", and take the initiative in whatever way is correct for their culture and location.

 

[Misty Avich]

My parents never encouraged me in regards to finding love. In fact, they discouraged me more than anything. My mother even flat out told me “You don’t need a girlfriend!”, that I couldn’t handle being a parent, and even offered to have me undergo a vasectomy. Even when it was clear I couldn’t get a date and the opposite sex showed no interest in me, she still pushed that offer onto me. I had to finally raise my voice at her and tell her to stop.

My mum used to say I wouldn't be able to cope with a relationship. When she saw that I could, she admitted she was wrong.
Your parents may be wrong too and one day you'll be able to prove them wrong.

 

[Sasha22]

I had to finally raise my voice at her and tell her to stop.

Glad you did.

 

[Masked Man]

My parents never encouraged me in regards to finding love. In fact, they discouraged me more than anything. My mother even flat out told me “You don’t need a girlfriend!”, that I couldn’t handle being a parent, and even offered to have me undergo a vasectomy. Even when it was clear I couldn’t get a date and the opposite sex showed no interest in me, she still pushed that offer onto me. I had to finally raise my voice at her and tell her to stop.

In a way, she's right. You don't require a girlfriend/boyfriend in order to survive. You do require food, shelter, and clean water, and means to secure those things. In your case, I believe your mother is your legal guardian, is that correct? So she is the one providing these needs for you?

Do you feel like you could handle being a parent? Would you be able to provide these requirements for another human being in order to survive?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

In 2023, this is true for some NT's, but not even a majority. For males, perhaps as much as 25%.
The majority of ND males who "wait for the one" are likely to wait forever.

Unless, of course, they make themselves more "NT compatible", and take the initiative in whatever way is correct for their culture and location.

I am getting out there socializing. I am not waiting for a woman to come to me.