The Circle

[epath13]

Went to a meeting yesterday, the speaker was talking about extended school year, IEPs and summer activities. Most of the time I was a little bored, but then again I tend to be bored any time when I don't have many chances to express MY opinion anyway, there're some new moms there with kids of the my kids age, complaining about lack of socializing for kids. I thought - play dates, we could just go to a mall playground or regular playground, what not. I attempted to squeeze some words while talking to a mom who showed herself as very proactive person. But I guess it was more on words.... Those parents didn't seem to be very enthusiastic about getting their kids together with other kids... Or maybe I misunderstood something... I just know one thing, I know how enthusiasm looks like well, we'll see... I just was a little disappointed....

 

[epath13]

Too bad I can't just add things to previous posts. Anyway, on the days like this I wish more people saw the world the way I do, but then again, it's probably impossible. It might seem like people see things in similar ways but it's an illusion built on the foundation of key similarities. At one hand reduction in the amount of key similarities weakens my enthusiasm for developing social skills but at the other hand it frees a lot of time for achieving my goals. The problem is social skills are essential to my success It's like I'm back to square one, like years ago, cooking myself in others people's feelings and thoughts just be approachable. But that's life I guess, a necessary step without which I can't move forward

I don't even know why I'm typing it, it's more of a talking to myself kind of thing or it's one of those thins, I have a thought, I hold it in my hands and throw it in a bin...

 

[Kelly]

The past few days I've felt like I've had no time to do anything, yet I'm not doing anything...it's so hard to explain, there's just so many things I should be doing, like responding to emails, making calls to the hospital etc...even things like posting on forums, checking out links(I swear I'll get around to the dolly stuff arashi), finishing off the playgroup website...but I don't know I just don't. The past few days I've just sat on the pc / my tablet looking online at nothing in particular and feeling so busy and stressed. It's like I have so much to do and that I'm going to be so busy doing it but I can't bring myself to do it. Like so far tonight I planned to respond to emails, email the entertainer and the venue for my daughter's party, call my mum, look up some random stuff that I keep remembering and then forgetting (things like what the heck autogas is and why it's so cheap, a recipe for shortbread) and for the past hour I've sat looking on failblog, and searching for random crap on ebay that I'm not even going to buy I'm just looking.

I had a massive tantrum earlier over a dvd recorder I bought, I was soooo happy because it only cost ?3.70, picked it up from the guy earlier, got it home, had some lunch and then connected it up and of course it wouldn't work. I'm sure it's just one little setting or something I'm missing but ugh...it just wound me up and I went into rage mode and got upset over every little thing I could think of.

I feel so ... I dunno, crappy I suppose and just so deflated or something.

 

[Arashi222]

@Kelly: You don't worry about anything. Dollie stuffs is supposed to be anti-stress. So you get back to me when you can. You have a lot on your plate right now anyway. Take care of yourself.

As to my day: Meh it was fine. I still feel like I am constant stress mode at work. I never know when my ex-friend is going to be there and I still don't have my stuff back. I always feel on edge like i don't know how to be when i am at work anymore. I used to just be...now I feel so trapped like a bird in a cage. I guess my over all day was fine. I just feel like its a combo of stuff really. Like I have these two new great people as friends. But I am worried about getting to close to them too soon. I worry that they are going to hurt me just as badly as my old friends did. But I know they are different people. Besides they have helped me get back in touch my with one of my characters from my world that was kinda lost sort of speak when my ex-friend abruptly cut ties with me. But the character is slowly starting to come back a bit. So I suppose that's good. Plus I am reading my new book which has me all excited.

 

[Harpuia]

For me, I can't work. I just can't. My life is spiraling out of control again. I am the unluckiest human being alive I swear. I finished 5th in a poker tournament that paid 4... again. People don't want to talk to me. One of my pokemon games wiped out all my data. I can't even think straight... I don't want to do with my life anymore. I really don't.

 

[Alpaca]

For me, I can't work. I just can't. My life is spiraling out of control again. I am the unluckiest human being alive I swear. I finished 5th in a poker tournament that paid 4... again. People don't want to talk to me. One of my pokemon games wiped out all my data. I can't even think straight... I don't want to do with my life anymore. I really don't.

Hang in there buddy! My life isn't so great either atm. I finally found a girl that I'd dub my "dream girl" but my anxiety level shot thru the roof because of the whole "can't read people or understand what they want thing". I honestly feel like hiding in my room for the next three months....but you know what? I'm not. I can't. I refuse to give up.

As the Buddhist Mantra states- "strive for excellence. Greet the world with love and compassion and life will reward you."

 

[Harpuia]

Or in my case, life will punish me by making me fall flat on my face.

Today is May 19th. One of the two worst days of the year for me. This day I lost the last of my social stronghold four years ago.

September 7th is known for two things. In 2000 I asked a girl out in high school and lived to regret it for the next three years. Also, last year, a person who I would consider my mother died.

 

[Arashi222]

Well today was busy...a little overwhelming but fine. I finally got my doll hands back....still no word on the eyes she still owes me but I guess I am gonna have to count them as lost....I still have no way of demanding my stuff back from my other ex-friend. I just...I get tired of feeling like a freak. I'm not freak. I don't think I am a freak. I am me. But I am so tired of people treating me like I'm crazy just because I have AS and act a little different for a person of age.

 

[Harpuia]

Taking Wednesday and Friday off were the best things I ever did. I am out of my depression and completely ready to go back to work in the morning. Did laundry, followed my checklist, I'm ready to go.

 

[epath13]

Watching Monk, drinking Mike's hard lemonade and listening to this

'can't wait' to drive clinging clanging car tommorow until I can get to a garage and figure out what's wrong with it

 

[Alpaca]

Went to another concert. This one sucked. The thumping base, the noxious odoriferous mixture of tobacco, marijuana, beer and B.o was bad enough. But they also had these strobe lights that would swing around and blinded me so bad I couldn't look at the stage and had an instant headache.

Worse even, was the absolutely chauvinistic crudeness of all the performers. Not only were the young ladies degraded and dehumanized, but so were us males. In their world women=meat; men=mindless sex fiends.

I left halfway thru the final set. I had enough. Never go to a Tech 9 concert.

 

[Caspar]

I went to the doctor today because of chronic headaches. He basically told me to start eating healthy, start sleeping normally, and stop eating garbage. I am ashamed that I still don't know how to take care of myself and scheduled an appointment with a nutritionist.

I also went out to see a movie (Le Gamin au Velo) by myself for the first time.

 

[epath13]

I went to the doctor today because of chronic headaches. He basically told me to start eating healthy, start sleeping normally, and stop eating garbage. I am ashamed that I still don't know how to take care of myself and scheduled an appointment with a nutritionist..

there's nothing to be ashamed of, I believe most of the people have no clue how to take care of themselves, if you need a proof - just look around

 

[Arashi222]

there's nothing to be ashamed of, I believe most of the people have no clue how to take care of themselves, if you need a proof - just look around

I agree with Epath13 nothing to be ashamed of. What do docs know anyway.

 

[Kelly]

I went to the doctor today because of chronic headaches. He basically told me to start eating healthy, start sleeping normally, and stop eating garbage. I am ashamed that I still don't know how to take care of myself and scheduled an appointment with a nutritionist.

I hope he/she also checked other possible causes with you? My husband has suffered with chronic headaches, nausea/dizzyness for the past 6/7 months and the doctor sent him for a number of tests before finally sending him to a neurologist who more or less shrugged and said it was migraine attacks and prescribed some pills (which are working a little bit).

As Epath & Arashi said don't feel ashamed about not knowing how best to take care of yourself, at least your actively trying to change that and learn how to look after your body, hopefully you'll see an improvement in your health.


I had an absolutely awful day yesterday I'm so drained from it. It started off okay my little girl had her first appointment with the play therapist, she had a great time playing and she's been scheduled in for weekly sessions. So we take her into school afterwards at around 11.30. Her class teacher called me up at around 12.45 to say she was hysterically screaming/crying, that she'd managed to get a thorn in her finger at lunchtime and legally they are not allowed to remove it and she won't remove it herself so could one of us come to school and do it. My husband went and I stayed at home because I knew she wouldn't want me there (I always somehow get the blame for these things happening)...so I waited and waited, expecting it to only have taken him a few minutes (I was kidding myself really because nothing is ever that simple). An hour later he comes home with her screaming (she was in the car screaming when I opened the door, he came in ahead of her to tell me I had to stay in the front room that she didn't even want to look at me, she still had the thorn in her finger.

So I sat waiting and could here her screaming and crying in her bedroom, my husband trying to coax her into either removing it herself or letting one of us do it. Very very long story short she was screaming and crying for 7 hours whilst we tried everything we could think of to keep her calm and let us remove it. I got so close I made a game using some tweezers, the tweezers were a little mouse and she was the big lion with a thorn in her paw and she let me get the tweezers about a millimeter from her finger but no closer, it took me about 2 hours to get that amount of progress. Eventually we just had to give up and put her to bed, with the intention of removing it when she was asleep, but then she said she was hungry(she hadn't eaten anything since lunchtime) so we let her have an apple whilst she sat in the front room with us. Somehow the thorn got stuck in the apple and as she moved her finger it came out...huge relief all round.

Then we finally got her to bed around 8.45 but as usual she kept getting up to tell us things and show us things, so she must have gone to sleep around 9.30, I expected her to want to stay in bed late today but no she was up at 4am asking us to get up and play. My husband convinced her to sleep in our bed with us for a bit, then 6am she was up again shoving us asking us to get up and play that she was bored of sleeping now so I got up and my husband got an extra hour in bed, I'll catch up on sleep later.

She's not long gone to school, ready to get a gold sticker from the headteacher(who promised her one if she managed to get the thorn out at home). One good thing to come out of yesterday was that the school have finally seen just how extreme her reaction to pain/anything medical related is and just why she needs so much therapy that we are not exaggerating on how bad it is. Apparently every teacher in the school ended up going into the first aid room because she was screaming so loudly (the teacher's lounge is nearby) and were gobsmacked by just how hysterical she was over a thorn.

In other news I think we have decided on a snake, we are 99% sure we want to get a lavander corn snake, we just need to save up to get all the right equipment.

 

[Alpaca]

Kelly, you have some patience.

While I was always "the calm one" I still had my moments. Once I had a fishhook in my foot. Despite the fact that I was completely freaked out, my Dad held me down and yanked it out. Luckily I didn't catch anything.

 

[Bay]

Kelly, you have some patience.

While I was always "the calm one" I still had my moments. Once I had a fishhook in my foot. Despite the fact that I was completely freaked out, my Dad held me down and yanked it out. Luckily I didn't catch anything.

. Kelly, you truly DO have patience. I'm not sure who I feel more sympathy for, you or your daughter!

I can certainly relate to your daughter's fears, however. When I was a small child, it took three people to hold me down whenever I received an injection at the Dr. office. I would become absolutely hysterical and inconsolable. My poor mother!

 

[Kelly]

Thank you both She's the only thing I'm patient about everything else I'm really impatient, even with her I have to walk away sometimes before I explode so we tend to take situations like that in turn.

She was on the verge of a meltdown earlier over her maths homework, it's always guaranteed to put her in a bad mood and if she gets it wrong or it takes a long time well that's a recipe for disaster thankfully I managed to distract her before she got to the point of no return and eventually we got the work done.

I'm really pleased because we got another reply about her party, 3 weeks they've all had their invites and only half have got back to me. So I scanned a spare invite in, filled in all the details and photoshopped "by 29th May" under the RSVP bit, gave them to my little one with the strict instruction to give them out after school and specifically say "give that to your parents" she did and we've had a reply. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that her current best friend can go, she's a little obsessed with this girl but her parents are always really weird and ignorant towards my husband (he takes her to school) so we think they might have a problem with us. She'll be devastated if her best friend can't go, 2 of her other really close friends can't make it so I think this may well trigger a huge tantrum if she says she can't go.

It's stupid because last year we invited 42 (or was it 46 I can't remember) kids and ALL of them got back to me within a couple of weeks, this time we are having 12 and its taking forever for them to get back. I need to know as well because we have to have 12 we're paying for a very specific party that's a minimum of 12 guests so if a few can't go we need to fill the places.

 

[Alpaca]

I've started writing a book (or essay. Don't know how far or deep I'm going yet) on the plight of the Aspergian peoples. I figure that I can just send it to my friends and they can come to conclusions about it, while keeping myself within the sanctity of my study (bedroom). Please bear with me, for this is an extremely rough draft.

Introduction


I always sympathized with that random dandelion that you sometimes come across, growing up from within a crack in the pavement. So strong. So beautiful and yet hopelessly disconnected from it?s brethren in the lawn.
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Most people of the Aspergian order will tell you it?s both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that we have a very detailed, long term, visual memory. We also tend to be very passionate about what ever talents we possess. To the point of revolutionizing thought and process.
Throughout history, ?Aspies,? as we refer to ourselves, have always been at the forefront of innovation. The list of supposed Aspies in history is pretty long. It includes such names as Socrates, Thomas Jefferson and Albert Einstein.
Despite these facts, most of us live our lives in solitude. Crippled by social anxiety disorder, hyper-sensitivity to light, sound, smell and certain textures, we often find it hard to even leave our house. Shut-ins, is an understatement. While some prefer to ignore the world and focus on their passions, it is, in the end, just a coping mechanism to counter the immense suffering that is felt by each of us on a nearly daily basis.
It?s bad enough that we have to deal with Chronic Depression on a daily basis, but most often we are labeled as pariahs or defectives or any of the other misnomers we get chastised with. We may not show the pain at all, but it is there and it doesn't leave easily. Unless somebody REALLY knows us, they tend not to notice whether we are up or down. I guess you can say our ?poker faces? are the best around. Which, once again, is a blessing and a curse.
The worst part, for me at least, is dating. When you are of a people that cannot read the subtle facial expressions and body language needed to gauge attraction and have that coupled with Social Anxiety Disorder and a tendency to misinterpret social cues, you can start to see where the problems arise. I often describe my plights in the dating world as the equivalent to ?flying at night without radar? or ?playing tennis without a racket.?

All I got so far. I'm taking a break because it's stirring up some emotions atm. Feel free to comment, critique or suggest anything. I am open to discussion.

 

[Bay]

I think it's great so far. It does stir up some emotions.

I have just found out that I have been accepted into a continuing education program for museum professionals, with a partial scholarship, no less. Finally, something to celebrate!