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The Love & Dating thread.

Hi Guys

I hope im in the right place. My not diagnosed but my partner has aspergers. Been together 18 months, living together 6 months. I understand he needs certain things eg structure, communication etc. But im feeling lost and alone that im doing everything wrong. He gets frustrated at things i do.
 
@jwaus20 You are in a good place to get info.

Firstly welcome to the Forum. I see this is your second post.
Do have a look around here as some of the threads. There is a lot of wisdom and experience around here.

I dont know how much you know about Aspergers but there are many threads about newly diagnosed (officially or informally) which can help you.
 
Women make me soft and mushy smushy, i like this feeling.:oops: After finally getting a gf again after being intimate im all soft and mushy and squishy and want to cuddle and be very affectionate, share feelings and be very nice to her.Also for making me feel safe I want to protect her and make her feel safe while being affectionate to her. I feel nurtured and loved, im soft and mushy emotionally its ok she has my back.
 
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lostinspace said:
I had the exact same thing happen to me, only it was worse. We had sex about a dozen times. We were both madly in love with each other and planning on living with each other. Then, she stopped all that and said that she just wanted us to be friends, but she did not want me over anymore. Then she said that she did not want to be my friend anymore or have any more communication with me. I asked her point blank and in tears "Why are you doing this?" and her reply was "I just want to, that's all."

I can't describe how much this hurts. This was over a year ago, but it was the only romantic relationship I ever had in my life, and I tried and tried all my life to have one. I still have crying spells over it, but I have gotten better now that I know about Asperger's and this forum.
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Oh my gosh that was harsh! She sounds immature or angry but it may not even be at you. I think in the past I may have been so angry at something that I had to push away people that loved me because I was going into overload.
This didn't kill you though and in the long run it will have made you stronger. Just don't feel that you are unique in your suffering. A lot of people might not want everyone else to know that that thing happened to them.
 
All relationships, friendships are tricky, finally my thinking is clearer my main relationships, marriage and one two years and my current relationship five years are all with fellow Aspies, good and bad that as our personalities nature and Autism all go in the mixing pot, i've identified i'm a people pleaser with low sence of self and self regard/respect and a extrovert, the men i pick are introverted, self reliant and distant emotionally, aha work to be done to change them WRONG and that's led to increased depression and anxiety as i now know regardless of wanting to be listened to and compromise people only change if they want to,Autism presents soooo differently and i now know putting other needs before your own is more than silly, my current man is kind, a good provider ( we live together) and very clear about his wants and needs, he is status driven, logical, all about statistics and unable to show affection in a conventional manner, the relationship is over yet due to corona19 we need to share this home together until we're clearer about what's happening. My energy now is to regonise the choices i've made in relationships, take responsibility for my life and happiness and begin to accept and like myself.
 
I'm so sick of being single but online dating is going terribly. The funny thing is I clearly have that I'm a lesbian on my profile yet a bunch of guys keep writing to me.
 
Not sure if it's my age but after the last relationship I had over a year back my heart feels unconnected. I did enjoy the last relationship I had. But I can't say I was in love with her, so when it became too much I was not upset or at a loss. I am not sure if my heart had space for that relationship after the one before or whether I was protecting myself. I know what love is & am very grateful to have experienced it knowing it was not a crush or novel infatuation. It's just left me feeling in a kind of limbo & sat on the fence this last one, full of regret for a past relationships earlier mistakes, leading me to question if I'll ever find it again without being questioned about my intentions as I was in the one before. I'm not saying I'm depressed about it, just aware of an odd melancholy regarding the "here & now" in regards of what I want. Maybe I'm just rattling a bit due to the lock down, but I am aware I've a higher sense of discernment regarding what I'd like out of a relationship.. I'm not being hard on myself as this to me is a work in progress type of thing.
 
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I've been thinking about giving dating a try, but I have some issues;

1. I don't have a job and I'll likely never get one. I'm currently on the JobSeeker payment but I'm hoping I'll be able to get back on the disability pension soon as it pays more.

2. I still live with my parents and younger siblings. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to move out of home as I've become dependent on my family to do everything for me, and I'm worried it would be a massive turn-off for any potential dates.

3. The whole being a lesbian but also being ace thing is tough. I've spent some time reading posts in lesbian spaces (like r/actuallesbians on Reddit) and there's a lot of women who are interested in sex. This is problematic for me because I don't feel sexual attraction and I have little interest in engaging in sexual intercourse.

I have a lot more I could add, but I'll stop here before it turns into a wall of text.
 
I am gonnna post here because i dont want to make a thread:

my bf broke up with me. he friend zoned me. but i am sad because even in a relationship, i saw him maybe 6 hours a week, and he would text maybe 20 a week. so i think, how are you going to maintain a friendship? it makes me sad because in the past i have been told this friend thing, and they disappear. i remember one boy even called me back years alter saying we should be friends again and that hes sorry, and he ghosted me once more.

i feel sad that the romantic trail ends for me. When i post people say, forget about it. forget about relationships and friendships. I dont understand how you can forget about something thats so integral of being human. being social.

but for now i must focus on myself. i must heal myself and take care of what my ex couldnt handle, that is my traits that result from executive functioning disorder, and my traits stemming from sever depression and PDD. I got help because he suggested it, then he realized it wasn't in my head and felt overwhelmed and ran away. i dont want this to happen again because i know that i was a lot. plus being sad all the time is no good. I think the moment i relate to the emotion of happiness, and then be able to revisit it daily, then ii will be okay, but for now, i can remember the last time i was happy, the exact day (July 4, 2018), but before that day i dont remember.
 
kethyleen said:
There is a guy who really likes me. How do I know if I like him back? I found only this article about dating tips www.happymatches.com/blog/hook-up/best-hookup-sites
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That depends of how genuine this guy is. What kind of autism you have? I have Asperger, and I was unlucky enough to born with a facial deformity so I never had lucky with woman, also because I was social inept, but I never find out that I had Asperger until I reached adulthood. Maybe I become overly cynical, but love is something that we cant never understand, for much we try to, and trust me, I really try very hard to be social like everyone else, but I learned more to imitate other people emotions than actually feel them.
 
Sometimes I often wish I had a relationship, and others I don't think about it at all. I don't really try much these days, not out of some angry or sad way of thinking, I just don't think of talking to women or going on those dating sites.
I'm in my 30s now and things that were acceptable before aren't now, and I don't think I should follow some peoples' advice and date someone I am not attracted to and hope that comes later.
It's a recipe for disaster.
 
GhettoButterFly said:
Why are all the good men taken or don't have an interest in me.
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I have heard that so many times and it is both tiresome and triggering. As a teen and young adult I could never see if any woman was interested in me. My energies were taken up in getting a demanding career off the ground and pursuing varied interests. None of that potential was ever noticed by ANY woman. Instead I saw women get into dicy relationships with economic failures or man-children, or fall for glib guys with no prospects who would (family blog) them and discard them, sometimes leaving them pregnant. Gimme a break.
 
I literally have no idea what is normal in a relationship or how to act as the only relationships I witnessed were from the woman who helped raise me and her boyfriends/fiancé and they weren’t exactly stable or healthy as she either gained stuff from them or the boyfriend wasn’t a completely good person to be around.
 
Captain Jigglypuff said:
I literally have no idea what is normal in a relationship or how to act as the only relationships I witnessed were from the woman who helped raise me and her boyfriends/fiancé and they weren’t exactly stable or healthy as she either gained stuff from them or the boyfriend wasn’t a completely good person to be around.
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I think that many of us are good observers from having to compensate for other difficulties. Hence, when we observe poor relationships I think we are more likely to file these away as typical when we have little exposure to healthy relationships.

This was expressed so powerfully in Children Will Listed, from Into the Woods.
 
Unfortunately for a lot of people, verbal and physical abuse, yelling, bickering and all of that could be considered 'normal'. Count me out.

I'm really lucky to have an unconventional marriage, where we both demand basic human decency and respect as a baseline. Problems and arguments arise, of course, but we don't lose respect for one another no matter how heated the debates get, and yelling or talking down to one another always remains completely unacceptable.

My point? Maybe don't do things by the book. Do them on your own terms instead and see what happens.
 
My wife and I are from different cultures. It is easy for her to dismiss my harmless quirks as cultural differences.
 
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