Why am I so unlucky?

[Misty Avich]

I'll be OK, I'll have no choice but to get used to the idea that she's pregnant. Right now it's just come as a shock and I'm finding it difficult to believe it still. I think I'll feel better once I've spoken to my aunts about it tonight. I still haven't texted my cousin back, I just can't right now.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me is my mother dying, and I survived that without committing suicide. This is the second worst thing so hopefully I'll get through it alive. But, until then, I am depressed and can't be bothered with therapy.

 

[Levitat0r]

I was hoping this day would never come. My stupid cousin has announced she's pregnant. My other female cousin has been offered a well-paying job where she will get to retire in her 50s, and now my other female cousin is pregnant. So they're super happy and my aunt will now be preoccupied with this baby. That will mean they'll move, probably be offered a council house - something I've always wanted. Here's me, lost my mother due to cancer, am poor as anything, worrying about my job, worrying about being homeless in the future, and everything works out for everyone else. And to top it all off I'm cursed with this horrible autism which is the reason why my life is so crap through no fault of my own.
I hate my life. Everyone else getting pregnant and having babies, here I am, a loser. I'm so done. I'm done with life. I'm a crappy horrible person, I'm a liar, a transphobe, a homophobe, a racist, a troll, been called it all by horrible nasty people online who I'm going to get my revenge on but still unsure how.
Just so depressed right now, thinking of putting my head on the railway tracks. I have nothing to live for. My cousin can go and have her stupid, smelly, ugly, bawling brat. I don't want anything to do with it. I'll be dead anyway, then I can be with my mum forever.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope you don't really believe that list of traits applies to you, or maybe you're just listing nasty things people say about you. I'm at a really strange crossroads, finding that I like myself just fine, but life is a lot harder and more confusing than I expected, and people are so very stubborn and impossible to reach, especially once they decide you are not the same as them, a thing they decide way, way too easily.

I do not find that autism hurts, or is painful, as such. On the contrary, I'm totally unaware of it until I realize that basically all of my attempts at socialization amount to two incompatible worlds colliding. I try to remind myself that I am the one reaching out, I am the one leaving out the welcome mat, but nobody wants to visit.

Your comments caught my attention because you said that you are unlucky. It's not luck. I was commenting that people have blind spots they aren't aware of, and we are made diverse so that we will see that we are each largely empty space, but the part which is solid is a unique and valuable contribution from each person we know. So, then, it's not luck. We're all like a colander, and life literally falls through the cracks. But because we are so solitary, we don't have the support that others have, and we just perceive it as terrible luck because everything falls through cracks we can't find.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm sorry you feel this way. I hope you don't really believe that list of traits applies to you, or maybe you're just listing nasty things people say about you.

Well I've had people call me all those online and I don't want it to be true but I fear that it is. I stupidly said "don't call me racist, I have a black friend" to someone who was very forcibly calling me a racist for discussing the immigration numbers in the UK. They said that saying that statement means I am racist and also an idiot. But when I said that it meant that calling me a racist is actually an insult to my black friend, because he deals with a lot of racism even though he's just as British as me but says he thinks a lot of me because I'm so accepting and not racist like the others are. So I'm in limbo here, like am I racist or not??
It's hard not to listen to righteous political know-it-alls online who are in a clique and have all ganged up on me, each having an accusive label for me.

 

[Levitat0r]

Well I've had people call me all those online and I don't want it to be true but I fear that it is. I stupidly said "don't call me racist, I have a black friend" to someone who was very forcibly calling me a racist for discussing the immigration numbers in the UK. They said that saying that statement means I am racist and also an idiot. But when I said that it meant that calling me a racist is actually an insult to my black friend, because he deals with a lot of racism even though he's just as British as me but says he thinks a lot of me because I'm so accepting and not racist like the others are. So I'm in limbo here, like am I racist or not??
It's hard not to listen to righteous political know-it-alls online who are in a clique and have all ganged up on me, each having an accusive label for me.

I'm so sorry. I hope you are comforted to be told that is the normal thing that happens to an honest person for discussing issues instead of blindly joining a faction, forming a defensive circle against everyone else, and then foaming at them in concert with your chosen "team". You're not allowed to ask who is right. You are expected to just know, and back them up with self-righteous fervor. I wound up contemplating politics for way too long in the pursuit of explanations for terrible misfortune. You will find that everyone who attends those debates is there to win a competition, but they are all cheating at a game that has no rules. Don't play their game, don't feel bad about it not making sense. It's basically inherently wrong, and you're not the broken component.

 

[Aspychata]

The pregnancy triggered you big time, then you spiraled into the worm hole of all your dark thoughts that bother you. I have triggers, but l try to work on not starting the whole replay of that's screwed, that's messed up, and therefore my life completely sucks. In someways my life does suck, but l am going to keep fighting for myself. Do you feel like fighting for yourself?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I was content with my life, well apart from the fact that I lost my mother but I was coping just about. Now I'm suddenly reminded that everyone else is luckier than me and I'm just always going to be hopeless.

Please do not compare yourself with others. A person married to a drug dealer and having a child with a criminal is nobody I would consider lucky. Living a white-trash lifestyle is not enviable.

 

[Aspychata]

@Gerald Wilgus , l was trying not to state the obvious, but you got right to the point. Like that.

 

[Misty Avich]

I've spoken to a few people about my feelings. My husband understands, which I knew he did, he just wasn't very good at reacting due to being alarmed by my sudden emotional meltdown this morning. I was on the phone to my aunt for over an hour and a half. She understands completely how I might have reacted to this, as it had come as a shock to her too. She feels anxious and a bit unsure, especially that they have a one-bedroom apartment but are reluctant to move.
I still feel depressed, and a little bit excited somewhere among the negative emotions, but my feelings about this news keeps fluctuating. Being so I'm at an age where I keep feeling broody and my biological clock is ticking, seeing my peers getting pregnant is very frightening for me.
But I finally felt calm enough to text my cousin back, saying congratulations and all that, but admitting that it was a bit of a shock. She understood, but I tried to sound happy for her.
I guess if I was a horrible person like the 5 people on the other forum think I am, I would have taken my jealousy out on my cousin and been nasty and spiteful. But I'm not like that. I know it's not anybody else who is the problem, it's me. I've always been the jealous sort. I remember when she was going abroad for the first time (back when we were teenagers), and I freaked out because I was the only one out of my cousins to not have been abroad before. But I did finally get to go abroad, and have been a couple of times since.

I'm just feeling a bit insecure because everyone is having babies around me. My 51-year-old friend is due next month, my husband's daughter is due in two months, and I just feel left behind and forever childless. I have read in a magazine that it is common to feel depressed when you're in your 30s and everyone around you are falling pregnant, more so than if you're in your 20s.

Oh and thanks everyone in this thread for offering support and understanding, instead of dogmatic criticism that I was afraid of receiving.

 

[Misty Avich]

even if they're "unreasonable" (not saying yours, just in general)

Mine is unreasonable, but thank you for understanding.

 

[Misty Avich]

I am very impulsive and find emotions overwhelming and difficult to rationalise, but thank God I do have morals, etiquette and empathy that subconsciously prevents me from acting on any bad or illegal impulses. So something works in my stupid brain.

 

[Neri]

Please do not compare yourself with others. A person married to a drug dealer and having a child with a criminal is nobody I would consider lucky. Living a white-trash lifestyle is not enviable.

Technically, this is the kind of person, I am. But I am a real, complex, nuanced, gifted human being as well. "White trash" is a very unkind term. Please be aware that real people with feelings, are treated like this, and can't always help who they get pregnant to, neither should they be looked down at for allowing that life to grow in their womb.
I was 16, homeless and near mute, when my "druggy" twice my age co-parent impregnated me. I latched on to him because of fear of getting murdered by certain people who were around. We are musicians too, which a lot of people look down on. I might be considered "white trash" by some (although here in Australia we haven't taken to that term, thank God) but I'm a human deserving of respect, just like other's.

 

[Levitat0r]

Technically, this is the kind of person, I am. But I am a real, complex, nuanced, gifted human being as well. "White trash" is a very unkind term. Please be aware that real people with feelings, are treated like this, and can't always help who they get pregnant to, neither should they be looked down at for allowing that life to grow in their womb.
I was 16, homeless and near mute, when my "druggy" twice my age co-parent impregnated me. I latched on to him because of fear of getting murdered by certain people who were around. We are musicians too, which a lot of people look down on. I might be considered "white trash" by some (although here in Australia we haven't taken to that term, thank God) but I'm a human deserving of respect, just like other's.

I think they meant well, but poor choice of words is, shall we say, a "pervasive" problem around here.

 

[Misty Avich]

Isn't "white trash" a racist slur?
My cousin's lifestyle isn't as bad as that. She lives in an apartment with her partner who treats her well. He did get hooked on the weed for a long time although it didn't seem to change his behaviour negatively. Then he started dealing it, along with other drugs, to different people around the town. Weed is still illegal in the UK so I knew it was only a matter of time before one too many people knew and they get caught out. But apparently he's abruptly given up the drug lifestyle cold turkey now. For now anyway.

I'm still having mixed feelings about this. I just want it to go back to the way things were. They were actually going off the idea of having a baby and had stopped trying, but all of a sudden she fell pregnant when they were least expecting it. So it's all quite sudden and has come as a shock to all of us.
I never felt like this when my sister got pregnant. I was pleased and excited. But with my cousin, I just can't bear it. I really don't want this to be happening.

 

[Levitat0r]

Isn't "white trash" a racist slur?
My cousin's lifestyle isn't as bad as that. She lives in an apartment with her partner who treats her well. He did get hooked on the weed for a long time although it didn't seem to change his behaviour negatively. Then he started dealing it, along with other drugs, to different people around the town. Weed is still illegal in the UK so I knew it was only a matter of time before one too many people knew and they got caught out. But apparently he's abruptly given up the drug lifestyle cold turkey now. For now anyway.

I'm still having mixed feelings about this. I just want it to go back to the way things were. They were actually going off the idea of having a baby and had stopped trying, but all of a sudden she fell pregnant when they were least expecting it. So it's all quite sudden and has come as a shock to all of us.
I never felt like this when my sister got pregnant. I was pleased and excited. But with my cousin, I just can't bear it. I really don't want this to be happening.

Let's not get bogged down in Twitter-style bickering if we can avoid it. We understand we often phrase things poorly, and it's a question of what they intended, and not what term got blurted out. Also, I will sometimes do stuff like that thinking I have a right to it, since it's my own identity, and then I forget how many different ways it can be misinterpreted, including the possibility the next guy is going to identify me differently. The opportunities for confusion go on forever, and tolerance is what keeps this place on a higher plane that Twitter.

 

[Misty Avich]

At work today I had to stop myself from smashing the place up angrily. I was literally going to just pick up any tools I saw in sight and throw them at anything in sight, and just go on the rampage. But I have enough self-control to avoid being that looney. Then the feeling passed. But I still keep feeling bouts of anger, like I'm just really dysphoric about this.

 

[Misty Avich]

Let's not get bogged down in Twitter-style bickering if we can avoid it. We understand we often phrase things poorly, and it's a question of what they intended, and not what term got blurted out. Also, I will sometimes do stuff like that thinking I have a right to it, since it's my own identity, and then I forget how many different ways it can be misinterpreted, including the possibility the next guy is going to identify me differently. The opportunities for confusion go on forever, and tolerance is what keeps this place on a higher plane that Twitter.

I understand, because that's what happened to me on the other autism site and was how I got called racist, homophobic, transphobic, troll, liar, narcissist, the list goes on. Feels a bit extreme though for someone like me who isn't actually that tactless in real life, but there you go.

 

[Levitat0r]

I understand, because that's what happened to me on the other autism site and was how I got called racist, homophobic, transphobic, troll, liar, narcissist, the list goes on. Feels a bit extreme though for someone like me who isn't actually that tactless in real life, but there you go.

I think it's better to give the benefit of the doubt here, and if you don't see someone trying to intentionally rationalize how terrible Race X is, then we can assume they simply misspoke.

 

[Misty Avich]

I think it's better to give the benefit of the doubt here, and if you don't see someone trying to intentionally rationalize how terrible Race X is, then we can assume they simply misspoke.

Yes, shame the people on the other site couldn't figure that out for themselves. I was a respected member there for 12 years, never upsetting anyone, yet this clique gang came along and decided to get offended by everything I said and twisted my words and never forgave me, then I got unfairly banned. Still gets my back up how I could be treated so poorly.

 

[Levitat0r]

Yes, shame the people on the other site couldn't figure that out for themselves. I was a respected member there for 12 years, never upsetting anyone, yet this clique gang came along and decided to get offended by everything I said and twisted my words and never forgave me, then I got unfairly banned. Still gets my back up how I could be treated so poorly.

Well, don't get trolled. The angry autist is a well-known stereotype, and they don't care that you're angry because life makes you feel like you are cursed. They remember that they can get a rise out of you, and it will be spectacular if they push your buttons.

 

[Sherlock77]

One thing I've learned in my artistic life, this is related to your feelings... The best thing is to be happy for other people, it's simply good karma...

And we all have a different life story to live out, some people might seem more successful but you don't know the struggles they might have, that they probably do have, yes the NT's we always talk about it, they struggle too, all humans struggle in different ways

Just learn to live your life to your best ability, without comparing yourself to others, I struggle with this feeling sometimes, it's not easy...