Why am I so unlucky?

[Misty Avich]

I've always compared myself to my cousin. I think it was because we were so close growing up, we might as well have been twins. We were so alike, often thought the same, and had a special bond and even a secret language. We weren't just cousins, we were best friends and felt like twin sisters. We even came up with a theory that we were really sisters and that one of our mums adopted one of us.

When we reached adolescence I noticed my cousin was luckier than me. She had more friends than me, and most of them bullied me. I felt like they came right between us and I felt very alone and isolated. It was heartbreaking. She'd rather keep her friends happy than care about me any more. Then she was the first out of us two to go abroad, and I felt so jealous. And she was the first out of us two to get her first boyfriend. And then she abandoned everyone by choosing to run off with some guy who wouldn't let her see her family, not even her friends, so I lost her completely and had to just move on, which I did.

Then 10 years later she managed to finish the relationship, but all her friends seemed to just pick up where they left off, adding her on Facebook, while I often get/got rejected on Facebook when trying to stay in touch with my old schoolfriends, which hurts. When she came out of the abusive relationship (strangely unfazed and no signs of PTSD whatsoever), she walked straight into another relationship (which I'm not jealous of, as I've never been abused by men and I've been in a loving relationship for 10 years, although I'm jealous of how she seems very happy-go-lucky, while I'm traumatised by less than what she went through).

And now, lo and behold, she's pregnant. Always one step ahead of me. I'm scared this will lead to her succeeding more and more, despite her learning disorder (not autism). I know what mothers are like, they are drawn to other mothers and they form a friendship circle. And she'll be given a council house, and somehow a good paying job will probably await her sometime in the future. At the moment she's a cleaner on low wages (just like me) but if everything else is working out for her then I guess her employment life will too. And she's ecstatic, over the moon, and feeling blessed.

And here's me. Lost my mum. On low wages. Too stressy, anxious and pain-sensitive to have children of my own. Too thick and anxious to find a better paying job (in fact I'm not career-orientated at all, I'm more of a stay-at-home housewife type but obviously I can't afford to have that lifestyle). My cousin could. Once the baby is born she'll leave work for a while, be a stay-at-home mum and housewife, then when she's ready to return to work she'll probably get a better paid job somewhere.

I just feel so worthless, like I'm destined to be unhappy.

 

[MNAus]

Oft said, but comparison is the thief of joy (probably been said in this thread already).

Here's a very logical perspective. There are, right now, 8,090,630,040 on this planet (yikes). IF it was possible to subjectively score these people for all their luck and achievement, then rank them, there would be one person at the top and one at the bottom. So one person who really had no-one to envy, and one who might have every right to feel envy, as they literally would be the unluckiest person on the planet. The other 8,090,630,038 are you and me. We get to choose if we see what we have, rather than what we do not.

But, of course, that's not how it works. Even the person at the bottom of the heap could look at parts of his/her life that are going better than for others. And the person at the top can likely find others have better in some aspect of their life. So everyone, literally everyone, gets to choose.

That's not to say you're wrong to feel as you do, but that there is only one way for this feeling to go away, and it's not for everything you mentioned happening for your cousin to happen for you. The only way is to not compare. There is no other way.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't know how to not compare myself to others though. It seems a small portion of people on the spectrum have this trait where we just compare ourselves to our peers and don't know how to stop. I think it's more common in high-functioning Aspies with more complex ASD traits where we feel half-NT and half-autistic, which presents us with the awareness and knowledge of what we're missing but the bit of autism we have holds us back from functioning as good as our peers even though we are functioning in NT society. It's a very difficult position to be in.

 

[jsilver256]

Hi @Misty Avich , I hope I am not overstepping or making things worse, but I feel compelled to provide a different perspective.

As you know, autism affects how we connect with others. For me, I became a mother because of that biological clock, but actual motherhood has been much more like, "I'm exactly the same person as before, except I have to get up 5 times a night and everything is continuously disrupted." The magical bond you describe in this thread never came - my own relationship with my kids had to be worked on and developed over time. I think motherhood is a completely different experience with autism, and one that is nothing like the NT mothers you see on Facebook.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.

 

[Rodafina]

I don't know how to not compare myself to others though.

What have you tried so far?

 

[Misty Avich]

I think I'll do fine connecting with my children, as I have naturally formed close bonds with my cousins, my mother, my husband, and many other relatives. I know I'll do fine with my own child.

 

[Misty Avich]

What have you tried so far?

I don't know, there isn't anything to try.

 

[Rodafina]

I don't know, there isn't anything to try.

You are telling yourself a story that others have something that you simply don't have and there is nothing you can do about it.

A different idea to consider is that some others struggle just like you, but they have had the opportunity to learn some skills that will change their situation. It takes work and sometimes the help of a counselor or a mentor, but there are things that one can do to change their perspective rather than resign themselves to just being that way. Some examples of actions that can be taken and things that one could try:

- Talk to a therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional

- Attend group therapy

- Build confidence in yourself by engaging in hobbies and meaningful activities like volunteering

- Take an educational approach to anxiety - learn about what is happening on a physiological level and why the body and brain experiences anxiety.

- Start a journal that is focused on recognizing gratitude and positivity in your life

- Engage with people in safe environments - this would also mean avoiding toxic environments (for example, Facebook)

- Learn more about the depth of other people's struggles to better understand the amount of work they had to put in to achieve the success that you perceive.

- Build skills and abilities that you can be proud of to counteract feelings of self loathing

- Embrace authenticity - constantly pretending in one environment and venting true feelings in another will not lead to satisfaction. "Venting" can only do so much.

- Engage in regular exercise - it is good for the body and for mood stabilization. A strong and capable body can bring confidence and satisfaction in oneself.

- Focus on healthy eating and drinking enough water. These things have a significant impact on our mood. Hungry or malnourished bodies will have a harder time managing stress.

---

These are just a few ideas. I'm not suggesting any of them would work for you. My point is that there are things to try.

 

[Misty Avich]

Tried all that before. Just seeing others happy reminds me of how much of a failure I am and how useless I am.

Last time I done volunteering I got bullied out of it. I got bullied due to being the social failure I tried not to believe I was.

 

[Misty Avich]

Also I just get angry because I'm on the spectrum and they're not. Most people on the spectrum have half their family on the spectrum too, but I don't. It's just me. Why? It's not fair. I hate autism. I hate it with a passion. I should have been NT, just like the rest of my family.

 

[Rodafina]

Tried all that before.

You tried all of that?

You didn't indicate that in post # 87.

 

[Misty Avich]

You tried all of that?

You didn't indicate that in post # 87.

Well I have in the past; therapy, volunteering, getting out and meeting people (it's how I met my husband). But I still feel like the family loser. How's it going to stop me comparing myself to my happy-go-lucky neurotypical cousins?

I just so badly want to be a neurotypical. Why am I on this spectrum for? Someone tell me why.

 

[Misty Avich]

You are telling yourself a story that others have something that you simply don't have and there is nothing you can do about it.

It is a true story. They all have a normal brain wiring.

A different idea to consider is that some others struggle just like you, but they have had the opportunity to learn some skills that will change their situation. It takes work and sometimes the help of a counselor or a mentor, but there are things that one can do to change their perspective rather than resign themselves to just being that way.

Things are easier for them because they're neurotypicals.

- Talk to a therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional

Counselling/therapy sessions aren't long enough. I need a couple of hours to delve into my problems, not 50 minutes a week.

- Attend group therapy

Can't speak up in groups, too shy.

- Build confidence in yourself by engaging in hobbies and meaningful activities like volunteering

Done that before, got bullied. Went to a different voluntary job but got bored.

- Take an educational approach to anxiety - learn about what is happening on a physiological level and why the body and brain experiences anxiety.

I think I know how anxiety works.

- Start a journal that is focused on recognizing gratitude and positivity in your life

I do.

- Engage with people in safe environments - this would also mean avoiding toxic environments (for example, Facebook)

Facebook has its good points as well as bad points, just a shame the bad points affect me more.

- Learn more about the depth of other people's struggles to better understand the amount of work they had to put in to achieve the success that you perceive.

I've put in work to achieve things but to no avail. Like I said before, they're neurotypicals.

- Build skills and abilities that you can be proud of to counteract feelings of self loathing

I want to get my books published but easier said than done. That would be an achievement I'd be proud of myself for.

- Embrace authenticity - constantly pretending in one environment and venting true feelings in another will not lead to satisfaction. "Venting" can only do so much.

I see it as a skill. I can respond positively to my cousin via text while crying my eyes out and crumbling emotionally. I've got to hold it together like that, because if I let people know how jealous I am then I will be a horrible person, and that would make me even unhappier.

- Engage in regular exercise - it is good for the body and for mood stabilization. A strong and capable body can bring confidence and satisfaction in oneself.

I'm agoraphobic and hate the repetitiveness of exercise, even with music on. Hurts my thighs.

- Focus on healthy eating and drinking enough water. These things have a significant impact on our mood. Hungry or malnourished bodies will have a harder time managing stress.

I will start dieting next month. Right now I'm way too depressed and crave sugar for comfort.

---

These are just a few ideas. I'm not suggesting any of them would work for you. My point is that there are things to try.

I don't know why I said I haven't tried anything. I think I thought you meant trying to change my cognitive thinking. I've tried CBT before but it didn't work at all.

Maybe it's not about this baby. Maybe it's just a mixture of feeling like my cousin is liked more than me and the fact that we live below a family with a baby whose noise is making my life a sensory nightmare.
Oh, and before anyone lectures me for not doing anything about it, we actually are. We've applied for two different places online and just got to wait for a reply. But it seemed too easy, so I don't know if I hold out much hope or not. Our application will probably just go ignored, as there are like 70 million other people trying to look for another home too in Essex. I hate living in a dangerously overpopulated country with no money.

 

[jsilver256]

Where do you think your current fixations are? On having a baby? Or on other people? Have you had fixations that worked better for your mental health in the past?

 

[Misty Avich]

Where do you think your current fixations are? On having a baby? Or on other people? Have you had fixations that worked better for your mental health in the past?

On other people really. When I first met my husband I wasn't bothered about having children. Now my body clock is ticking faster and so many people around me are getting pregnant and having babies. I looked at my cousin and thought "well it's just me and you", but now it's just me, because she's now joined the parent express with a one-way ticket to happiness and joy. I want my cousin to have the same lifestyle as me, it's a comfort to me to know someone else in my family is the same as me.

 

[tree]

"...she's now joined the parent express with a one-way ticket to happiness and joy."

You're speaking ironically here?

 

[Misty Avich]

"...she's now joined the parent express with a one-way ticket to happiness and joy."

You're speaking ironically here?

I don't know. I heard a mother of teenage sons once say "now my youngest has joined the hormone express" or something like that when her youngest son got his first crush. I thought it meant someone's joining "the club". I don't know. I'm stupid.

 

[tree]

What I was wondering was how seriously you believed that
parenting is a "one-way ticket to happiness and joy."

 

[Misty Avich]

What I was wondering was how seriously you believed that
parenting is a "one-way ticket to happiness and joy."

Oh I see. Well they seem so ecstatic about it and everyone coos "oooh a bundle of joy". Must be such a wonderful thing.

 

[tree]

But , personally, you have doubts?

You waiver between two opinions.

Babies. A lot of bother.
A child, how amazing to welcome a new person to love.