Why am I so unlucky?

[Misty Avich]

I think you and I clashed a tiny bit once on that forum, but if you remember that, it was me putting my foot in my mouth for a second and I regret seemingly triggering you.

While I don't see eye-to-eye with you all the time, I saw you as generally one of the nicest people on there, so I do think it's ridiculous you got run off in the end. I left over the political side of that forum too, and I think you should try to forget them the best you can.

I'm sorry for your current situation with you feeling down about not being able to have kids.

I don't quite know who you were on there but I doubt you were one of the clique members. Maybe we should discuss this more in PM.

 

[Misty Avich]

My emotions are all over the place, like I'm the one pregnant instead.
The problem with stupid me is that I sort of categorise everyone I know into clubs in my head, and some are in the childless club and others are in the parent club. I didn't want this particular cousin to leave the childless club and join the parent club. I can't believe she's now reached a milestone and is stepping into the parent club, something I never thought would happen. A lot of people my age keep leaving the childless club to join the parent club. I just feel like crap. I feel isolated even though I'm not. I don't feel like going to work. I just want to give up on life. If I died, I might come back as a confident, happy-go-lucky neurotypical. Yes even they have their own problems and stresses but I'd rather be a confident, happy-go-lucky neurotypical with problems than an Aspie with problems. If I were neurotypical I probably wouldn't be this conscientious. That's always been my problem, being too conscientious, looking into things too deeply, feeling emotions very unreasonably, feeling sorry for myself whenever other people are happy, knowing what I am missing and wishing I was normal.

 

[Misty Avich]

I Googled my feelings about this and there were a lot of results saying how common it is. This was one of the results:

It's possible that the news of someone close to you becoming pregnant might trigger feelings of discomfort, change, or even a sense of being left out

That is exactly how I feel about it. But it doesn't help when people just say "oh but they're adults". It's so annoying. I'm beginning to hate that word. So if they were children I would be allowed to feel a sense of being left out or feared of change?
Why is it always about adults Vs children?

 

[Suzanne]

When we compare, which is the easiest thing to do, we always see the negative in ourselves, I know, because of being hugely guilty of it.

Currently, we are not even able to afford a loaf of bread without counting the cost of having done so! We are patiently waiting for a verdict on me being registered as disabled, but until that ( couple of month's to go), we are in dire straits financially. Just been turned down for a loan and have to contimplate going back on something, that I saw as false gold, but in our current situation, we have very little choice.

Hubs is a gardner and due to the weather and season, does not have a lot of work; but that does not stop bills coming in.

It panics me, being destitute and then, hearing how someone is paying, IN CASH for a house! So, someone are stupidly rich and others are stupidly poor!

When I hear of another pregnancy, my thought is: that poor baby, being braught into this awful world.

By the way, if it were not for my Aspergers, I would not be organised and good at things, so, although some days it does feel like a bad thing; others I am glad I am an aspie.

 

[Misty Avich]

I've never, ever been glad to be an Aspie. Ever.

 

[Misty Avich]

I just hate myself right now. Maybe I should go into therapy. I really, really hate my brain. Not that therapy will do anything, unless they can cure autism. I wish my mother had taken folic acid while pregnant with me, then I would have been NT.

 

[Misty Avich]

Just wish I was never born. I'm a horrible person for feeling this way about my cousin. But I can't help the feelings. Maybe I'm a psychopath. Maybe I deserve to die.
Why am I prone to jealousy? Why am I such a horrible person?

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't even feel I fit in on autism sites either. Late diagnoses and abusive families seem to be a common thing among the autism community. I was given the stupid diagnosis at 8 years old, and going through all that as a child was traumatic for me and my parents and has never made me happy or able to accept myself.
If I say I have a decent, supportive family then I might get accused of gloating here, so I can't say that.

 

[Neri]

I don't even feel I fit in on autism sites either. Late diagnoses and abusive families seem to be a common thing among the autism community. I was given the stupid diagnosis at 8 years old, and going through all that as a child was traumatic for me and my parents and has never made me happy or able to accept myself.
If I say I have a decent, supportive family then I might get accused of gloating here, so I can't say that.

You've still had your share of suffering and unhappiness @Misty Avich. It doesn't do to do too much comparing to other's as it only tends to reinforce feelings of inferiority or the opposite, neither of which bring us any wellbeing. Everyone suffers and has trials, even people that have life "too easy" (if that even is such a thing) can suffer from purposelessness, boredom and difficulties finding meaning in life, which shows itself in wealthy countries that have high standards of living and, yet, still have, high suicide rates.

So you see, life is just hard. We all have to struggle and work hard to value ourselves and our own small lives and the little things that make life bearable. As much as I can tell you are really going through it at the moment, I have faith in you, you will find your way through this. You might have to dig deep, within yourself, to find something that brings you up, out of this dark place you are currently at, or you might need to reach out and try find some help to get you through, but, I believe in you Misty!

You are a goody, a kind and caring human, you just need to apply some of that beautiful kindness, that I've seen you extend to other's, to your beautiful self. You deserve your own care and kindness. You don't need a baby to be worthwhile as a human, and who knows? You might even enjoy supporting your cousin and being a friend to a little person. This is an opportunity for you to mature, into the grown up, you were always destined to be. To step up and drop those things about yourself that you don't like. Those things aren't you, they were part of younger you, but you are outgrowing some of those childish behaviours and traits, I believe, which is why you aren't happy with yourself at the moment. Shed your old skin lovely woman! You can be more than you ever thought you could be, you just need to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! It might sound like a tired old cliche, but that doesn't mean it isn't true!

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm just feeling hopeless at the moment. Nothing will be the same after this baby comes, and it will probably invite more opportunities for my cousin, such as more friends and a house to live in instead of a privately rented apartment. It seems people prefer her to me. Even one of my old school friend (the majority of my school friends block me when I send a friend request, but this one friend was once my best friend and is on mine and my cousin's Facebook) seems to like her better than me even though they didn't know each other before. And now she's pregnant she will probably become offline friends as well, as she (the friend) has a baby. She's another one I'd never thought would get pregnant though but did.
It's not in the "I don't want my friends to be friends with my cousin" context. I'm not that stupid. It's in the "why is my cousin more liked than me?" context. (RSD, not childish pettiness). My cousin has learning difficulties and has always been socially awkward too, just like me, and didn't even see anyone for at least 12 years of her younger adult years because she was in an abusive relationship where she was controlled and isolated. She came out of it unfazed, and is now pregnant with her new boyfriend, and everyone seems to like her better than me, while I'm just forgotten no matter how friendly I try to be.

Makes me feel so worthless and unhappy. I'm not that socially inept. Where do I go wrong? Is it my face? My name?

 

[Rodafina]

@Misty Avich
It sounds like it would be helpful for you to better understand why humans feel envy and jealousy and how to process them instead of getting swallowed up by them. They are human emotions that serve a purpose. This is something you could consider working on in therapy.

https://www.lehighvalleycounseling.com/blog/envy-what-it-is-why-we-feel-it-and-how-to-overcome-it
https://phys.org/news/2022-02-science-jealousy.html
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/jealousy/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5609545/

 

[Misty Avich]

I think I just beat myself up the other day because I keep having a nagging thought that is so terrible that I won't say it here because then people will hate me. I keep trying to tell the thought to go away and be quiet, because this particular thought is making me feel like a psychopath. But hanging on to this thought is providing a bit of comfort, yet the actual thought is mean and I know mustn't be expressed to anyone. But I'm hoping it's just the jealousy (I've read most of the links on jealousy in the above post). Feelings of resentment, jealousy and depression can trigger off unwanted thoughts so hopefully this unwanted thought doesn't make me a psychopath.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I'm just feeling hopeless at the moment. Nothing will be the same after this baby comes, and it will probably invite more opportunities for my cousin, such as more friends and a house to live in instead of a privately rented apartment. It seems people prefer her to me.

There is nothing wrong with your feelings, but I would be wary of following and then acting on them. Consider that you are getting jealous over people's reaction to a pregnancy and domestic violence. Jealousy is valid, but taking that as truth and seeing yourself through this will only harm you. It can be very limiting to your life.

Where do I go wrong? Is it my face? My name?

Many of your posts accentuate the negative without much perspective from the other side. It's possible people are turned off by this. Also, some people just aren't going to like us. It's a matter of taste more than anything personal. If you have people in life who you like (you mentioned a husband), then maybe consider if you are letting the opinions of acquaintances outweigh that.

 

[Misty Avich]

There is nothing wrong with your feelings, but I would be wary of following and then acting on them. Consider that you are getting jealous over people's reaction to a pregnancy and domestic violence. Jealousy is valid, but taking that as truth and seeing yourself through this will only harm you. It can be very limiting to your life.

I won't act on them, because I know it's not anybody's fault. My cousin is happy and I don't want her to be unhappy. It's just myself I take it out on. I tell myself how useless and stupid I am. But I am envious that she's happy. I was happy before I received the news that I've always feared receiving.

Many of your posts accentuate the negative without much perspective from the other side. It's possible people are turned off by this. Also, some people just aren't going to like us. It's a matter of taste more than anything personal. If you have people in life who you like (you mentioned a husband), then maybe consider if you are letting the opinions of acquaintances outweigh that.

I'm not negative on Facebook though. I post jokes, photos of my pets or outings, and other things that everyone else posts on Facebook. I don't wallow in self-pity on Facebook or when I'm around friends or colleagues. This forum is the place for that. What I do on this forum isn't what I do everywhere else. I have to let it out somewhere.

 

[Misty Avich]

Being on the spectrum has always made me feel unlucky because of the way I'm affected by it the most out of my family, while some just have some traits but has never had much difficulty making friends. I'm literally the only person in my family with ADHD, as that doesn't seem to run in my family. I seem to be a very atypical Aspie too. When I was first diagnosed and was first told about it, my response was "why me???" And from that day onwards I have resented my brain.
Would I have been neurotypical if my mother had taken folic acid while pregnant with me?

 

[Misty Avich]

Cousin is still pregnant, first scan went well, baby is healthy as can be. So why aren't I happy? Well, I am sort of happy for them but I don't feel happy about it. She's posted pictures of her scan all over Facebook so I guess has earned popularity, as everyone loves babies and becoming a parent is the done thing so I guess that would make her much more interesting, especially among all the other mothers I know. Useless people like me just get forgotten and called selfish for not having children. It hurts. Makes me want to put a gun to my head. Everyone else is happy but me. I hate unborn babies and I hate newborns. Ugly, smelly, miserable, gassy, dirty, noisy things, disrupting the family and changing everything.

Edited: Phoned the Samaritans because I just needed to talk to someone who won't say the usual cliches like "just be happy for them" and "you're being silly/horrible/selfish/immature".

 

[tree]

Cousin is still pregnant, first scan went well, baby is healthy as can be. So why aren't I happy? Well, I am sort of happy for them but I don't feel happy about it. She's posted pictures of her scan all over Facebook so I guess has earned popularity, as everyone loves babies and becoming a parent is the done thing so I guess that would make her much more interesting, especially among all the other mothers I know. Useless people like me just get forgotten and called selfish for not having children. It hurts. Makes me want to put a gun to my head. Everyone else is happy but me. I hate unborn babies and I hate newborns. Ugly, smelly, miserable, gassy, dirty, noisy things, disrupting the family and changing everything.

Phoned the Samaritans because I just needed to talk to someone who won't say the usual cliches like "just be happy for them" and "you're being silly/horrible/selfish/immature".

Definitely neither of those remarks ("just be happy for them" or "you're being silly/horrible/selfish/immature")
will restore your equilibrium.

Looks like you feel you're a disappointment because you aren't having a baby yourself.

This makes you unhappy and angry.

I hate unborn babies and I hate newborns. Ugly, smelly, miserable, gassy, dirty, noisy things, disrupting the family and changing everything

And that's a scary part. The change.

 

[Misty Avich]

Definitely neither of those remarks ("just be happy for them" or "you're being silly/horrible/selfish/immature")
will restore your equilibrium.

Looks like you feel you're a disappointment because you aren't having a baby yourself.

This makes you unhappy and angry.

Yes, this is exactly my feelings. It's not against them personally, and I know they have a right to be happy, but it's just difficult to be on that same page emotionally when life has really been bad for me. I lost my mother, while my cousins all have their mothers, who are proud grandmothers, and all I am is a useless wimp who's falling behind and can't do anything right.

And that's a scary part. The change.

Yes it is the change. My cousin, who was just like me in lots of ways and has a love for cuddly toys, Disney movies, buying little toys and bric-a-brac for her home, and just basically being young at heart and carefree, avoidant of the same sort of things I'm avoidant of, and has her own difficulties in communication and stuff, has now joined the "I'm having a baby just like everyone else!" club, and I suppose half the town will be flocking round there soon to see this baby. I just feel so isolated, useless, and like things don't get better for me. I'm probably unpopular because I don't have a baby. If I started posting pregnancy scans on Facebook I'd get a thousand comments too going "oooh, oooh, a baby on its way, a little bundle of joy, how wonderful, congratulations!" Nobody says any of that when you first post pictures of your new pets, which I like to pretend are my children.

 

[Lemon Zing]

I feel kind of worthless too. All my days, people have just mocked me, outed me, and generally not treated me in a nice way. Then I started getting awful anxiety, to the point I stopped using buses.

I don't have a social life or a girlfriend. But those you what women are just money grabbers.

I have not had anything good going for me for a long time, and my mum died last year.

 

[Misty Avich]

I feel kind of worthless too. All my days, people have just mocked me, outed me, and generally not treated me in a nice way. Then I started getting awful anxiety, to the point I stopped using busesm

I don't have a social life or a girlfriend. But those you what women are just money grabbers.

I have not had anything good going for me for a long time, and my mum died last year.

I'm sorry to hear you lost your mum. I lost my mum too and I feel I need her right now.

It's so hard to be happy for other people when you feel so down yourself. I try to pretend to be happy for them by telling them what they want to hear, after all I do understand their happiness, but sometimes seeing things work out for my peers just makes me hate myself all the more.