Would I be better or more miserable if I admit I will accept I will never have a girlfriend?

[WildCat]

That's up to you to decide.

If you're "putting all your eggs in one basket" - in other words, and in your situation along with a few others here, you're focused mainly on the failure or success of one thing (finding a partner) and, in this case, judging the bulk of your worth based on that - I can see how you and everyone else would be miserable.

 

[Kalinychta]

Yes, I think you’d definitely feel much better if you did just accept it. Not least of all because you could then focus your time and attention on other things.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

That's up to you to decide.

If you're "putting all your eggs in one basket" - in other words, and in your situation along with a few others here, you're focused mainly on the failure or success of one thing (finding a partner) and, in this case, judging the bulk of your worth based on that - I can see how you and everyone else would be miserable.

It is ok to want one even if you are unsuccessful in finding one at the moment, it will happen one day I bet.
You should not base your worth on that, you are worthwhile and one day I bet there is someone who will see it.
I think you are worthwhile and I love your cat profile picture.

 

[WildCat]

It is ok to want one even if you are unsuccessful in finding one at the moment, it will happen one day I bet.
You should not base your worth on that, you are worthwhile and one day I bet there is someone who will see it.
I think you are worthwhile and I love your cat profile picture.

I appreciate the compliments, but this thread wasn't started by me. My post was directed towards @Tony Ramirez (the OP) and the first post in this thread. While I agree with what you said, you should direct that towards him instead.

I would have given advice as well, but seeing as OP already stated he's not looking for that I just simply gave my thoughts on the matter.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It's impossible to accept it when I go out and everyday woman rub it in talking out their husbands and boyfriends. Men talk about their wife's, girlfriends and fiancé's. Talk about their kids or that they are expecting. Really hard to accept that it's okay to be single for life not by choice.

 

[elgat0verde]

Again, dude, a girlfriend won't save you if you don't save yourself

I am going to be blunt here but I am not attacking you because I've been there and i've felt that desperation and that "need for a girlfirend to be happy"

What I... repeat WHAT RO wanted was a girlfriend to unload all my emotional baggage on them and that is very unfair dude... I wanted a girlfriend cause I was terrified of being alone because I hated myself so much that my own company was unbearable

Again, NOT BOASTING OR CALLING MYSELF MR GIGGOLO but I had some relationships in my life and THEY DID NOT FIX ANYTHING yeah I was happy for a month and then go back to being miserable because I WAS MISERABLE MYSELF

So yeah, I DO know how you feel because i've felt it

I'd approach every girl I had a crush on with DESPERATION and not slowly and taking my time for things to develop naturally and obviusly that never worked then i'd be depressed because "oh nobody loves me because i'm so ugly"

Nah dude, I was approaching situations from a wrong angle

Heal yourself dude, love yourself, learn to be with YOU and have a MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP with you!

A girlfriend won't fix your loneliness and it's pretty unfair to put all that in one person, once you love yourself things will kinda just happen dude and if they don't you'll have you dude

As of late i've been lonely too dude, and it gets me sad at times and it makes me incredibly depressed at times

Sometimes my brain is like "you'll always be alone from now on" but who cares dude

I'm working on bulding a cozy little home withing me where I can live and be happy even if it's only with me... i'll have tea with me, who cares?

Heal dude, love yourself, and true love will find you

i believe in you Tony

You've got this man

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I also tried to love myself and my body crap but it did not make me more attractive or loved. I lost over 50 pounds over the summer and groomed myself. But most women still would not give me the time of day except for couples and grandmother's. So now I am exercising less. I am gaining weight again. Grooming less. Still doing yoga but skipping days in the week, sleeping in since it's a waste of time. It's all old people who show up for classes. I go to church but it's a miserable experience, all rubbing in couples. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed or even want to live anymore.

 

[Judge]

Again, NOT BOASTING OR CALLING MYSELF MR GIGGOLO but I had some relationships in my life and THEY DID NOT FIX ANYTHING yeah I was happy for a month and then go back to being miserable because I WAS MISERABLE MYSELF

Good point. Something many of us are forced to discover all on our own. No matter how many relationships we crash and burn through. There are never any guarantees...

"After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all, as wanting."

" It is not logical, but it is often true." -Mr. Spock "Amok Time", Star Trek (1967)

 

[elgat0verde]

Don't try dude...

And nobody is rubbing anything dude, they're just going to church

I've been there dude and it sounds like you're just making excuses (not attacking you at all dude)

I used to make excuses too dude...

I will RECOMMEND a book or audiobook that helped me its called "the mastery of love"

If you want to listen to it and take some pointers from it, I also recommend "the four agreement" they are both by Miguel Ruiz

If you want to, I am here to, TO GUIDE YOU and help with what I can

Nobody is unlovable in this world but you have to start from you! It's not a path that you just kinda thread and then leave and give up

I've fell too dude, I've tried to love myself in a LOT of different ways in the past

It's a road not easy to walk and you will trip and fall, it's your decision if you wanna stay on the ground just complaining and crying or stand up, dust yourself and keep walking even if you're crying while you're walking.

Nothing is impossible and if an insecure, abused, and CPTSD person like me can start walking and building a better life for them, you can do so too

Again, I believe in you Tony, I DO

I know the pain, i know the depression, i know the loneliness, i know the void that you try to fill and it never does

Wish you the best man... I DO because I care cause i've been there dude!

There is a light on top of these clouds, build your ladder and start climbing if you want

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I'm sure a lot of people have these thoughts and that is we wish there was a pill that could turn off our desire for wanting sex and physical intimacy or you just remove the natural instinctive innate desire for wanting a relationship, that way we can just move on and focus on other areas in our life

 

[Lemon Zing]

At my age, I have gave up hope of finding anyone, due to mostly the attitude of people today. I have terrible anxiety too. So being an introvert is basically my way of life now.

I can only suggest a dating site for autism. Otherwise, yeah. We have our job cut out for us.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yeah it sucks that a drug or a pill like that doesn't exist

 

[Tony Ramirez]

My so-called married friend said in a text multiple times the past couple of days that my chances of getting a girlfriend are unlikely. I cried and actually feel more miserable accepting it. So, question answered. I feel more miserable.

 

[Cryptid]

Disappointment is inevitable, while misery is only an option.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

dating has always been and always will be unfair

 

[Lightswitch411]

There's a scene in "Groundhog Day" where Phil (Bill Murray) is sitting at the bar with two guys and is expressing his frustration about every day being the same, that he's stuck in a situation he cannot change, and there's no hope.

As the movie progresses, we see that Phil is going through something like
The Five Stages Of Grief

The movie ends well once he reaches Acceptance and let's go of his expectations and demands on himself and others.

 

[mw2530]

I can completely relate to how you are feeling and I think some others on here are a bit dismissive of the level of deep emotional pain that is caused by the seemingly constant rejection from the opposite sex. Not to mention this is on top of all the other challenges we have to deal with including the difficulty in forming friendships. I can understand why you are angry and frustrated and it is only natural to feel that way because society has utterly failed at preparing many of us for the challenges of being an adult. Sometimes it feels as though I am just watching different eras of my life pass me by as I have seen nearly all my peers get in relationships and some of them marry and have children. On some of my worst days, it has felt like my adult life never began - at least the parts that make life enjoyable and worth living. Sadly, there is some truth in that statement Over the years I have numbed myself to many of the emotions because the pain was too much to tolerate. I focused on my interests and my work and developing some new interests at times. I can go many months in a row feeling ok when I am focused on other things, but then I make the mistake of perhaps not putting in enough effort to cultivate a relationship. But what typically happens is eventually I will hit a stretch where I am not as busy and then the depression sets in over the realization that more time has passed without much changing in the relationship department. This often times happens during holidays or my birthday or other family events such as weddings or funerals because they are strong reminders of the passage of time along with my underlying relationship discontent.

With all this being said, my suggestion is to focus on other things you can do to improve your life. Things that you have direct control over. Put energy in things that you are naturally good at. All while still recognizing the pain you have experienced. I think the path out may be to let yourself feel lonely and and just see how it feels. Don't try to fight it. Just recognize that you don't like the feeling and maybe let yourself feel the sadness that comes with it. Not trying to analyze it or fight the feeling. More feeling and less thinking. I am writing this as advice for myself as much as you. There were a few periods in which I just let myself feel the loneliness and sadness although not to the point where I got depressed (There have been plenty of those times too), but where I still went out and did things like work and exercise and cook. I noticed a difference in how people treated me or interacted with me. It as if an invisible barrier was taken down and a few times noticed some females who may have been flirting, although I have difficulty recognizing this. Unfortunately I am not at this point right now as I am currently feeling a bit numb to my emotions but also a bit depressed. Not of this is easy and it does not guarantee success, but it may lead to more opportunties. At least that is my hope.

 

[buoy]

There's a certain kind of freedom in admitting to yourself that you don't have much to offer that could be desirable to others. So you can either make peace with it, or try to change something to get different results.

I also tried to love myself and my body crap but it did not make me more attractive or loved.

That's because your goal wasn't to feel good in your body, to be healthier and stronger for your own wellbeing. You only tried to do it to get something from others. That's failure from the start. People do respond to the changes you try to make for yourself because then you'll feel good about yourself and that makes them feel good too. When your self worth isn't tied to what others think of you people will feel much more comfortable around you, so the possibility of something more developing is much greater as well.

 

[Neri]

It's hard to accept, I see, that when those of us who've had, or are in relationships, say they don't fix your problems.

If you are miserable it's your habitual behaviour that needs attending to, because a relationship, when you are not in a good place, definitely doesn't make you happy.

But that is being said by someone who has never been short of options in that way.

It's just that having no self esteem gets you into a worse-than-nothing relationship more often than not.

You have to learn to like yourself! And in order to do that you generally need to do things that you find likable.

And you have to see women as people first.

People you value as a friend.

Women are sick of being viewed as just potential sexual objects and creatures who are only valued to prop up the terrible self esteem of miserable guys.
Uuugh.
Not attractive.

We want to be valued for WHO WE ARE not what you can get out of us.
It takes a mature guy to want to get to know us without the rushing-into-a-sexual-relationship agenda.
Now THAT is attractive.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I think you probably are trying hard enough, Tony. I've also felt a lot like you in my life. That I wouldn't meet someone, or I was jealous seeing (supposedly) happy couples.

I think ultimately the problem wasn't effort, but looking in the wrong place. I would suggest looking at Autistic women. I'm not saying NTs and ND people can't find love together, but it is tough and will always be an uphill battle. You can put in huge effort where you will get little result, unless you mask considerably, and that is pointless. Jealousy appears, then, because others find naturally what you can't have with effort. But, we must be ourselves.

I know not all Autistic people are the same, but it's worth a try. You may find yourself feeling things you never thought you'd feel, and believing you have a life again. There is love out there for you.