Would I be better or more miserable if I admit I will accept I will never have a girlfriend?

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yes, it seems like many of us, probably most of us did not have a typical dating life as a young adult. For the rest of my days on this earth, I will live with the realty of missing out on the experience of having relationships while still a young adult. I can go periods where this does not bother me, but the deep emotional pain and trauma seems to eventually resurface again and again. As we all age, we are typically burdened with more responsibilities and eventually our bodies deteriorate. This gives me the impression that I missed out on the best years of life. Yeah sure, some may say that is not a healthy way to think, but sure go ahead and convict me.

As for the future, I don't feel a whole lot of hope either. The current dating environment is just plain toxic. All the dating apps just end up being a waste of time. There seems to be a devaluation and lack of interest in maintaining or establishing a traditional nuclear family. There seems to be a plain lack of long term thinking or discipline in our society.

Yeah I've heard this statement over the years and I'm sure we've all heard these statements before and I have mixed feelings or mixed emotions on it, people will say " its never too late".

Sometimes that statement makes me mad and angry and sometimes it doesn't.

Reminds me of that article that I was very moved by mentally and emotionally about a guy from the UK

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I know I will always feel bitter and resentful towards couples out there like 10 to 15 years younger than me, reminds me of a powerful Tick Tock video that was even posted by a woman and I never thought a woman would vent about that since cases like that are normally an anomaly for women

 

[mw2530]

Words to live by. This victim mentality that people embrace is the root of their problems (imho).

We are victims of schools/health care/society not providing the assistance we needed when we were young. If someone has a learning disability, schools generally attempt to help the child and have resources to do so. There are limitations of what can be done to help, but at least there is some effort. Assistance is provided for many forms of disabilities, yet there were no such services for ASD or or any sort of awareness of it back when I was growing up. Many of us go though our entire childhoods wandering why we can't fit in. Why do we feel so different than other kids. Many of us have to figure it out all on our own. Going through this experience has got to be one of the most traumatic experiences ever thought up.

 

[mw2530]

I had to stop thinking of myself as a victim and start thinking of myself as a survivor to get myself out of my virtual dungeon of gloom before I could begin to attract others and find the right woman.

And it worked!

You don't think those of us complaining have not tried and put forth effort? Just because it worked for you, does not mean it will work for everyone. There are many other factors that may be out of our control such as where you live and what age we are.

 

[mw2530]

Reminds me of that article that I was very moved by mentally and emotionally about a guy from the UK

What article is that?

 

[Kalinychta]

We are victims of schools/health care/society not providing the assistance we needed when we were young. If someone has a learning disability, schools generally attempt to help the child and have resources to do so. There are limitations of what can be done to help, but at least there is some effort. Assistance is provided for many forms of disabilities, yet there were no such services for ASD or or any sort of awareness of it back when I was growing up. Many of us go though our entire childhoods wandering why we can't fit in. Why do we feel so different than other kids. Many of us have to figure it out all on our own. Going through this experience has got to be one of the most traumatic experiences ever thought up.

I don’t think it’s entirely to do with insufficient support from parents, school, society, etc. Something I’ve noticed about autistic boys is their refusal to change behaviors that make them unpleasant to be around. Girls go out of their way to mask and fit in, but boys do not. I’ve talked about my nephew a little bit on here. He’s twelve, and he’s the most unpleasant person I’ve ever met, and it’s all to do with his autism. He doesn’t seem to understand or see any reason why he should change his behavior or adapt. So I think because so many autistic boys are this way, by the time they become men their behaviors are set, and they can’t really change. So they just always sit on the outside looking in in a way that’s completely obvious to everyone around them (whereas girls become adept at flying under the radar AKA masking).

Of course I’m speaking in general here. It’s just something I’ve noticed quite a lot about autistic boys and men I’ve met throughout my life.

 

[mw2530]

I don’t think it’s entirely to do with insufficient support from parents, school, society, etc. Something I’ve noticed about autistic boys is their refusal to change behaviors that make them unpleasant to be around. Girls go out of their way to mask and fit in, but boys do not. I’ve talked about my nephew a little bit on here. He’s twelve, and he’s the most unpleasant person I’ve ever met, and it’s all to do with his autism. He doesn’t seem to understand or see any reason why he should change his behavior or adapt. So I think because so many autistic boys are this way, by the time they become men their behaviors are set, and they can’t really change. So they just always sit on the outside looking in in a way that’s completely obvious to everyone around them (whereas girls become adept at flying under the radar AKA masking).

Of course I’m speaking in general here. It’s just something I’ve noticed quite a lot about autistic boys and men I’ve met throughout my life.

You don't think men or boys mask? Your nephew is just one example and I imagine he masks in school and other settings. The problem is too much masking leading to constant exhaustion. And overall your post is very sexist against men and boys. You blame men and boys rather than seek to understand things from their point of view. How sad, especially coming from this forum.

 

[Kalinychta]

You don't think men or boys mask? Your nephew is just one example and I imagine he masks in school and other settings. The problem is too much masking leading to constant exhaustion. And overall your post is very sexist against men and boys. You blame men and boys rather than seek to understand things from their point of view. How sad, especially coming from this forum.

Well it’s widely known that girls mask like crazy, but boys not so much. It’s one of the reasons girls are so underdiagnosed. Sure, boys and men mask, too, of course. I’m just saying I’ve noticed with pretty much every autistic boy I’ve ever met that they don’t do it or can’t do it (?) to the extent that girls do and lack even basic manners oftentimes.

I’m not trying to be insulting or sexist at all, believe me. I’m actually trying to be helpful. Maybe I’m completely wrong?

 

[Aspychata]

My toughest time is trying to understand why men believe they are entitled to a relationship and they become upset, if the one they choose wishes nothing to do with them. I actually had a guy tell me a Lowes, l was alone due to my attitude. Omg, that had me rolling on the floor. Because l wanted to say, no, it's because of men like you who believe women are simply placed on the earth to be in relationships. This isn't directed at the OP by the way. I truly believe if you concentrate too much on something, it won't happen. Instead of observing all the couples or woman that you later find out are in relationships, ask if they have any single friends. Go sit in a coffee shop, go volunteer at the humane society. Lots of woman may have a daughter that you may meet. It's really networking, attending events, and approaching woman on a regular basis. This will increase your odds. Everyday, ask one lady her name, and give her a compliment. Go to the park, and ask pet owners what kind of dog they have, then ask if they are single. Every day, do something to increase your odds.

 

[Kalinychta]

My toughest time is trying to understand why men believe they are entitled to a relationship and they become upset, if the one they choose wishes nothing to do with them. I actually had a guy tell me a Lowes, l was alone due to my attitude. Omg, that had me rolling on the floor. Because l wanted to say, no, it's because of men like you who believe women are simply placed on the earth to be in relationships. This isn't directed at the OP by the way. I truly believe if you concentrate too much on something, it won't happen. Instead of observing all the couples or woman that you later find out are in relationships, ask if they have any single friends. Go sit in a coffee shop, go volunteer at the humane society. Lots of woman may have a daughter that you may meet. It's really networking, attending events, and approaching woman on a regular basis. This will increase your odds. Everyday, ask one lady her name, and give her a compliment. Go to the park, and ask pet owners what kind of dog they have, then ask if they are single. Every day, do something to increase your odds.

I think he should also be encouraged to try to start seeing women as people rather than as females who either are or are not potentially sexually available to him. I’ve seen this behavior in men my entire life - the second they realize there’s no chance of having sex with you, you basically don’t even exist anymore. You’re a non-person.

I’m also actually really against the idea of going to places where you know women will be for the purpose of trying to pursue them romantically. It feels like wherever we go, we’re “prey.” When I volunteer or go to yoga, I am not there to be pursued by men, and it bothers me so much when men take advantage of the fact that women go to these places to unwind or do some good or whatever. It really makes me mad that we can’t ever seem to do anything or go anywhere without men hanging around leering at us or trying to get with us.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Aspychata @Kalinychta

You're right in principle, but you're presenting the F side of a deeply dysfunctional process for M/F interaction in society.

The M side, even from before the new layer of disruption that came with "MeToo", is that there are few ways for "post-education" adult M's to meet women except approaching them in public.

A small proportion (less than 20%, but I don't have reliable numbers) of males make a lot of approaches, and they'll do it anytime, anywhere. The "worst" of these don't care at all if it makes some women uncomfortable (**).
The majority either never approach women "in the wild", or only approach if they're 98% confident the approach will be welcomed.

There's no "solution" to this dysfunction, because the "old-school" processes for informal M/F interactions are long gone, and for most people, nothing has come along to replace them.

I suggest you stop thinking of "all men" as acting in the same way for the same reasons.

Almost everything in the social domain is on a "bell curve". Judging the majority in the middle by the behavior and/or issues of the two extremes is certain to lead to inaccurate conclusions.

The certainty of error is one of the few things that's almost always true in the social domain.

Tony is on one end of the M "bell curve", along with a lot of other male Aspies.
* Topically relevant advice designed for the middle of the curve isn't likely to be useful for him.
* Advice from times past, when there were different processes embedded in society for M/F social contact, is almost certain to be counter-productive for him.

On the plus side, he's moving forward. But it's a long road. Getting started is necessary, but to keep moving will require determination, endurance, and changing more than just health, presentation, and basic social skills.

(**)
There are ongoing examples of public spaces being casually disrupted by one "side" at the expense of the other for purely selfish reasons. Indifference to the effect on the "other side" is prevalent on both sides.
Of course it's a bad thing. But if absolutely everyone is doing it all the time, blaming the "other side" isn't going to help - ever.

 

[Kalinychta]

@Aspychata @Kalinychta

You're right in principle, but you're presenting the F side of a deeply dysfunctional process for M/F interaction in society.

The M side, even from before the new layer of disruption that came with "MeToo", is that there are few ways for "post-education" adult M's to meet women except approaching them in public.

A small proportion (less than 20%, but I don't have reliable numbers) of males make a lot of approaches, and they'll do it anytime, anywhere. The "worst" of these don't care at all if it makes some women uncomfortable (**).
The majority either never approach women "in the wild", or only approach if they're 98% confident the approach will be welcomed.

There's no "solution" to this dysfunction, because the "old-school" processes for informal M/F interactions are long gone, and for most people, nothing has come along to replace them.

I suggest you stop thinking of "all men" as acting in the same way for the same reasons.

Almost everything in the social domain is on a "bell curve". Judging the majority in the middle by the behavior and/or issues of the two extremes is certain to lead to inaccurate conclusions.

The certainty of error is one of the few things that's almost always true in the social domain.

Tony is on one end of the M "bell curve", along with a lot of other male Aspies.
* Topically relevant advice designed for the middle of the curve isn't likely to be useful for him.
* Advice from times past, when there were different processes embedded in society for M/F social contact, is almost certain to be counter-productive for him.

On the plus side, he's moving forward. But it's a long road. Getting started is necessary, but to keep moving will require determination, endurance, and changing more than just health, presentation, and basic social skills.

(**)
There are ongoing examples of public spaces being casually disrupted by one "side" at the expense of the other for purely selfish reasons. Indifference to the effect on the "other side" is prevalent on both sides.
Of course it's a bad thing. But if absolutely everyone is doing it all the time, blaming the "other side" isn't going to help - ever.

I definitely did not mean to imply that all men behave the way I described. I would never say that. (That would be weird.) I was commenting specifically on behaviors and attitudes Tony has talked about on this and other threads.

 

[Cryptid]

You don't think those of us complaining have not tried and put forth effort? Just because it worked for you, does not mean it will work for everyone. There are many other factors that may be out of our control such as where you live and what age we are.

It works for me and for others. Change your attitude, and you will change your life.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

What article is that?

https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-43956366.amp

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I have said this before and I will say this again. Women haven’t given me much romantically in my life, nowhere near what I’d like, but I’ve had a girlfriend and a couple of relationships in my life.

I don’t need to know anything about you to know if I could get a girlfriend - anybody, and I mean literally anybody could get one.

So, that probably doesn’t help you much. Just trust me when I say one is coming sometime in your life. It’s completely impossible to have a couple of women go for me of all people and for them not to go for someone else like you. If they go for me, even for a brief bit, they’d go for anyone. I’m convinced.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I have said this before and I will say this again. Women haven’t given me much romantically in my life, nowhere near what I’d like, but I’ve had a girlfriend and a couple of relationships in my life.

I don’t need to know anything about you to know if I could get a girlfriend - anybody, and I mean literally anybody could get one.

So, that probably doesn’t help you much. Just trust me when I say one is coming sometime in your life. It’s completely impossible to have a couple of women go for me of all people and for them not to go for someone else like you. If they go for me, even for a brief bit, they’d go for anyone. I’m convinced.

And it's a reminder of my lifelong resentment of men always being expected to talk to women first and it's a reminder how my mindset or perspective has changed on talking to women or how I view interactions between the two Sexes from a different perspective now

 

[Hypnalis]

... if I could get a girlfriend - anybody, and I mean literally anybody could get one.

This is both true and untrue at the same time, but mostly false in this context.

Using it with someone who has problems that, for one reason or another, they can't resolve on their own, isn't encouraging - it's a "slap in the face". Think of it as a kind of flex.

@Tony Ramirez
We could talk if you want, but in a separate thread. Start one if you like.
I can tell you some things you need to know. Probably not new things, but if you feel like making changes, a discussion might help.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

This is both true and untrue at the same time, but mostly false in this context.

Using it with someone who has problems that, for one reason or another, they can't resolve on their own, isn't encouraging - it's a "slap in the face". Think of it as a kind of flex.

@Tony Ramirez
We could talk if you want, but in a separate thread. Start one if you like.
I can tell you some things you need to know. Probably not new things, but if you feel like making changes, a discussion might help.

I don’t mean it to be a slap in his face, if anything a slap in mine, because that’s how things have gone with me and the opposite sex.

I have no interest in flexing, I’m not in position to. I’ve seen women hurt me countless times and break my heart more times than I can possibly can’t. I’m not just saying it to try to make him feel better, as I genuinely believe anybody can get one. I’m not saying it’ll come easy or overnight, but if he keeps putting himself out there to women, he’s bound to be rewarded for it.

 

[Kalinychta]

ely believe anybody can get one. I’m not saying it’ll come easy or overnight, but if he keeps putting himself out there to women, he’s bound to be rewarded for it.

It depends on what you mean by “rewarded.” Seems to me that the only sort of person who would be interested in Tony as he is at the moment is a narcissist. Narcissists look for people like Tony, people who are vulnerable and desperate and therefore easy to control and use. I wouldn’t call that a reward.

 

[Neri]

It depends on what you mean by “rewarded.” Seems to me that the only sort of person who would be interested in Tony as he is at the moment is a narcissist. Narcissists look for people like Tony, people who are vulnerable and desperate and therefore easy to control and use. I wouldn’t call that a reward.

This I know about. It was what I was getting at in an earlier post on this thread. Being with a narcissistic person isn't better than being on your own. But, I guess people have to learn that one for themselves.