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Xinyta

Xinyta

♡Goofy genderfluid person♡ They/Them/She/Her 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    I think I now finally understand something that stumped me for a long time. The presence of my internal torment, verses the reality of the world around me. Maybe it's psychosis. Maybe it's because I was taught nothing. But I see that nothing that my anxiety addled mind was creating, was ever true. I cannot run from that which doesn't exist.
    Xinyta
    I've had a day today. On three different occasions. I've had issues. But hopefully after what I've learned today. I can keep better tabs on it.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    Being twice as old as you, these days do more than anything else to make you think on your life and grow for the better.

    I read a study once that our perception of a "long life" is proportional to the uncomfortable experiences our brains create.

    You can cater to yourself and be 60 years old in a flash.

    Or you can experience these uncomfortable events, and they serve to "de-age" you.

    If that makes sense?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    It's better to face things you are unfamiliar with, than staying where it's safe.
    Xinyta
    Feeling particularly tired today. Not from anything overwhelming, nessissarily. I did two walks. My typical morning walk and then a afternoon walk. The afternoon one was more a means to release my excess nervous energy.
    Xinyta
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    Behind the mask.

    There are two masks we use. One is a half-truth. The other is denial. The half-truth is the person that can funtion in the world but cannot grasp thier true goal. The denial is believing your individuality doesn't exist. That the only safety is among the herd. A herd you were never meant to be apart of.
    Xinyta
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    A blessing.

    A weapon bound by the spirit. In the bite of winter, it bites back. The cold winds howl this day. Find your heart in the world. Hear the call that drives all creatures to the truth of nature.

    May the spirits guide your feet and your blade arm. That nothing stands between it's wielder and the fate written.
    Xinyta
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    This is an old OC from the character creation days of Soul Calibur 3. She goes by the alias of Fox. I've created new versions on her in every new Soul Calibur game since.

    Though I had a strong urge to draw her today. Something about how I made her, resonates with my psychi.
    Xinyta
    Sometimes we need to let darkest parts of ourself bleed out. A sense of self requires knowledge of the full self, after all.
    Kitsuna
    Kitsuna
    And by doing so, you've honestly been helping me understand myself better, too, because I'm going through virtually the same sets of realizations at the moment. I never chime in about this because I haven't wanted to make your threads about myself.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I'm glad to hear that my journey in understanding myself, has helped you alot.

    But you don't need to worry yourself about posting. I won't take offense. Honestly, I've always found that help is a two way road. Though I am not going to force you into anything. Do what's comfortable for you.
    Xinyta

    This is song is something I've felt a long time. Suppressing my emotions for as long as I have. It's left everything confused. While I have had improvements in this, in recent times. I still remain confused about alot. This, in some odd way, proves my Alexithyma.
    Xinyta
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    Tired
    Tired
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    I have this book at home, it's amazing to read how all the cows, pigs, chickens etc behave just like cats and dogs, and sometimes they're much smarter or cuter. After all every animal is a person of its own, with its own character, likes and dislikes.
    Xinyta

    This song reminds me of myself in a worse state. Not so much out of a need to go back to it. But more of a reflection on what use to be. See how far I've come from the mindless, emotionless, creature I once was.
    Xinyta
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    It follows.

    Steps of a non-existent being. A voice that calls my name. The hallow shadow, always in my periphery. Darkness feeds it. A mind rife with misery. A heart beating with pain. A body without a soul to claim. Lost. Judged. Hated. Always lingering in the dark corners of my mind.
    Tired
    Tired
    A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.
    Xinyta

    I haven't heard this in a long time. This song and Inner Universe are two that have stuck with me for a long time. This one has lyrics that have meaning to me. Especially since I am learning to stand up for myself.
    Xinyta
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    Umbra.

    Hidden in shadows. The scars run deep. The pain digs into the soul. The lost soul. Without happiness. Without hope. Finding that they are abandoned by the things that seem to only come natural to everyone else. Grasping something that holds meaning in the void.
    Xinyta
    There has been a shift in how I am behaving towards things. I am doing alot more around the house, comparatively to before. It's all not what my psychosis was making it out to be. It's all easy stuff.
    Xinyta
    I think I understand my problem. My childish behaviors and responses are what's causing unnecessary stress. Activating old stress and paranoias that trigger my psychosis endlessly. My rumination is a child response to things I don't want to face. Nearly 30 years of this.
    Tired
    Tired
    Old habits die hard. But they do die, after a lot of persistence from our side!
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    It's funny you bring that up. I was just talking to my uncle about it and noting that these issues are not as out of my control, as I think. It feels out of my control. But I've never had anything positive to run counter to that, in my childhood. Or at least nothing I can remember. So I cannot ever say I've ever known happiness. It's entirely foriegn.
    Xinyta
    I am realizing I am a control freak, when it comes to communication with people. Whether I am doing a task or being confronted. I would rather shut out and shut off, than actually listen to what people have to say. Thinking I am being scolded or yelled at. This is delusional.
    Xinyta
    The fact I am watching this video as someone aware of my own ASD now. Has made me appreciate Metalocolypse, as a show, even more.

    I've watched it as a teen and sadly didn't pick up on any of this. Though I was out if it as a person then. So, whatever.
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