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Xinyta

Xinyta

Seeking myself in a unusual world 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    I'm on edge all the time. Even when I am not noticing it. My expectations for the worst to happen are always haunting my mind.

    Sitting here, I just noticed the position I am in. Hunched over in my seat. And all I hear in my head upon noticing it, is what my Uncle said. "It's like you are constantly wound up."

    I am. Like I am perpetually waiting for a verbal assault to happen, so I can hide away.
    Xinyta
    There comes a time. When everything is broken.

    There comes a time. When we face the worst of ourselves.

    Darkness breed lies. Darkness breeds hate. The jealousy that builds inside. Eats away at your soul, the longer you wait.

    Feeling nothing. Anxiety being your only friend.

    Are you truly alone? Are you truly free? Or is it all lies? A web spun well before the spiders came.
    Xinyta
    I have been occasionally doing some skimming of old threads. So my own. Some of others I have replied to. It interesting how I can be aware. Yet unaware. Especially to myself. It's making me think I may need to take time to actually reread my old threads. Maybe there is more from them I can learn yet, that I could of likely missed when they were still being posted in.
    Xinyta
    Searching for that which cannot exist, we poison ourselves

    We suffer through chains, we impose on ourselves

    Never sure what is true
    Never sure what is false

    Questions that haunt us
    Is life worth it?
    Is death the answer?
    Is this pain all I'll ever have?

    In the end.
    None of it was real.
    But it's real in the mind's eye
    Blinded by the bile of hate
    Perceived or fabricated
    It exists in the unseen world
    Xinyta
    20240627_150500.jpg


    This is a sketch I did, the other day, of a long time wip(work in progress) OC. Temirith is her name. The drawing is technically incomplete, because I intend Dimile to be drawn here too at some point. It'll give me an excuse to clean up a little.
    Xinyta
    I feel like I've made progress with rumination. I don't even hold on to negative things anymore. I may spend a few minutes being upset about something. But I move on way quicker than I did before. I think it took realizing and UNDERSTANDING that my rumination was as much of the problem, as the negativity itself.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    Yes yes yes! I regret that I have but one "Winner" to give out!
    Jonn
    Jonn
    Ah. "Ruminating" about negative things. Not a good idea, agreed.
    My ruminating is about ideas and general events, and delving into my "happy places".
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    This site is really helpful. I never understand that ruminating isn't healthy, and l thought other people also did it. Oh boy.
    Cloudracer
    Hey, I saw you liked two of my post when I had a drink too many. Are you ok exchanging with me?
    Xinyta
    I seriously cannot get the song 'Coral Crown' out of my head. That symphonic metal remix of it just is addicting to listen to.

    Xinyta
    I feel happy with myself. The stump we have been splitting, was a bit easier to handle today. I was far more focused and split it alot faster comparatively to the first two times, where I hurt myself with the sludge/wood.

    I even did the last bit hitting the blunt end of the maul my Uncle buried into the wood chunk. That split really quick.
    Xinyta
    I had a great day today. Everything just kinda... flowed. No real struggle. No pain. Well... aside from leg pain. But that is going away. Walking helps.
    Xinyta
    At some point. Doubt has to be put to rest.

    Faith in myself has to have space to florish. My fate is in my own hands. And, if willing. The hands of God.

    Maybe I have just ran from what's true, because it was easy. But maybe I too was lead astray. Whether willfully or under duress. It matters not at this point.
    Xinyta
    I don't know if there is any anger left. Just solemn disappointment, when I do one of my old bad habits. Maybe because I know what's going on now, I cannot be in angry confusion anymore.

    Hopefully this means I am starting to grow up.
    Xinyta
    Dwelling on today does nothing. Another day comes. Let it be better than today.

    Yesterday is full of memories. But is inhabitable.

    The future is a multi-faceted path. No one way is guaranteed.

    Risk is our friend and our teacher.

    Life without risk, is meaningless.
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