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Xinyta

Xinyta

♤Id driven soul | Broken but not Insane☆ 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta

    This song reminds me of myself in a worse state. Not so much out of a need to go back to it. But more of a reflection on what use to be. See how far I've come from the mindless, emotionless, creature I once was.
    Xinyta
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    It follows.

    Steps of a non-existent being. A voice that calls my name. The hallow shadow, always in my periphery. Darkness feeds it. A mind rife with misery. A heart beating with pain. A body without a soul to claim. Lost. Judged. Hated. Always lingering in the dark corners of my mind.
    Tired
    Tired
    A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.
    Xinyta

    I haven't heard this in a long time. This song and Inner Universe are two that have stuck with me for a long time. This one has lyrics that have meaning to me. Especially since I am learning to stand up for myself.
    Xinyta
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    Umbra.

    Hidden in shadows. The scars run deep. The pain digs into the soul. The lost soul. Without happiness. Without hope. Finding that they are abandoned by the things that seem to only come natural to everyone else. Grasping something that holds meaning in the void.
    Xinyta
    There has been a shift in how I am behaving towards things. I am doing alot more around the house, comparatively to before. It's all not what my psychosis was making it out to be. It's all easy stuff.
    Xinyta
    I think I understand my problem. My childish behaviors and responses are what's causing unnecessary stress. Activating old stress and paranoias that trigger my psychosis endlessly. My rumination is a child response to things I don't want to face. Nearly 30 years of this.
    Tired
    Tired
    Old habits die hard. But they do die, after a lot of persistence from our side!
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    It's funny you bring that up. I was just talking to my uncle about it and noting that these issues are not as out of my control, as I think. It feels out of my control. But I've never had anything positive to run counter to that, in my childhood. Or at least nothing I can remember. So I cannot ever say I've ever known happiness. It's entirely foriegn.
    Xinyta
    I am realizing I am a control freak, when it comes to communication with people. Whether I am doing a task or being confronted. I would rather shut out and shut off, than actually listen to what people have to say. Thinking I am being scolded or yelled at. This is delusional.
    Xinyta
    The fact I am watching this video as someone aware of my own ASD now. Has made me appreciate Metalocolypse, as a show, even more.

    I've watched it as a teen and sadly didn't pick up on any of this. Though I was out if it as a person then. So, whatever.
    Xinyta
    I've broken the chains of depression. (Sadist the Reaper)

    I've overcome hate. (Val-Se)

    My fight now, is to end misery. (Azeth)

    Even now my mind faces the all encompassing feeling of misery. Taking with me the faith to get through. Forgiving myself and moving on from my past, bit by bit.
    Tired
    Tired
    You'll get through, you're on the right track.
    Xinyta

    This is feels like the best way to define my headspace right now. Especially after coming to terms with psychosis.
    Xinyta

    This song is me, as I stand now. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Seeing the nightmare I've lived and wanting to leave it for good.

    I want to be silent no longer. Hide my pain no more. End the internalization. End the hell.
    Xinyta

    This has been stuck in my head for a while now. This plays in my head alot. Especailly in the morning, when I wake and in moments that I feel great about things.

    Maybe I found something that describes the unceasing fire in me.
    Xinyta
    It maybe because I am tired. But I feel... like I don't belong here. That I wasted my time signing up and claiming something I really am not sure of I have or not... not that I ever paid attention in the first place... or gave a crap in trying to...
    View previous comments…
    Kayla55
    Kayla55
    I find it hard to resolve abuse without being treated as if I'm from dysfunctional family and have a disease. Most on forum are nice, dealing with issues don't always make distinction to let you know you misfit. And it really does need to come out. Seems more I tried to mask/conform the more demands from men came until I no longer had needs
    All-Rounder
    All-Rounder
    It even has a name, and it happens to students of very renowned colleges like Harvard, Imposter Syndrome.

    An inability to realistically assess your competence and skills
    Attributing your traits to external factors
    Berating your traits
    Fear that you won't live up to expectations
    Overachieving
    Sabotaging your own progress
    Self-doubt
    Setting very challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you fall short
    All-Rounder
    All-Rounder
    For me taking various autism and autistic related tests helped as an example. Have you taken any tests like this? If yes were your scores indicative of autism? One strong tool that is used in the diagnosis of autism is the RAADS test. It looks like a rainbow round image when the result is shown, maybe you've seen it before.

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    Xinyta

    After some time of trying to figure myself out. Coming to some serious realizations lately. I come back to this song and find that it has a deep meaning for me. Far deeper than I've ever was willing to admit in the past. How deep my pain really has been.
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