Good morning/evening.

[Levitat0r]

Take all this as just my view on what i see from one random video, and this is just my interpretation of how i perceive the world and people i see in them, of course other people will have different opinions. i'm also sure that you behave differently when you actually have a live human being having conversation with you and not just staying and talking to a camera.
From just this video i can see that, when you think about stuff, you sometimes do just become ultra quiet and stare in one place, which can look weird, because most people just kinda widget and look around, smile, do grimaces trying to remember, do a lot of those "ughhh" or "hmmm" or "errr". You just do it with this very serious face (which is probably just your normal resting face), so you can look angry or disapproving to some. Even on your avatar here you look scowling to me because of your eyebrows.
And you also don't move your eyebrows and eyes much in the video, and i myself read a lot of info from person's face by the way they move eyebrows and where they move their eyes, so when you just don't do that it removes a layer of my understanding and imagining how and what you're thinking at the moment. You did wiggle your eyebrows in the end of the video, but it looked to me like you did that intentionally, not just like it's a part of what you were saying (most of us move eyebrows unintentionally).
It isn't strange to me that you don't look in the eyes (camera), but here you do look in the eyes sometimes for just a moment, then you immediately look away, which can make people think that you're scared of them (which immediately makes some people feel power over you, like huh this dude is intimidated by me, it means i'm better in some way so i better start actually behaving like that), are lying (which doesn't make my sense to me cause a lot of people can look you in the eyes and lie, yet for some reason it's this common thing to think that if someone isn't looking in your eyes while saying something important it means they're lying) or are uncomfortable about something. It would feel more natural to me if you looked in my eyes for lets say 5-10 seconds, while telling something ultra important, and then looking away again, what "trips me off" is that you just do it pretty fast.
Also in the start of the video you very visibly swallowed, it looks like you put effort in it and that you're very uncomfortable or nervous, because this is how nervous characters are shown in cartoons - they swallow (they also grin, whistle etc, but that isn't the point).
All in all, if i met you irl and you never told me before you're autistic and behaved ike that - i would feel strange at some moments, but definitely not repulsed, plus the more time i would spend around you the better i would start understanding why are you doing things a bit differently.
Another thing is that i dont see your posture and hand movements here, and they also mean A LOT when you have a dialogue with someone.

And I can't say anything "wrong" about the song video, i don't hear very good what you're singing cause english isn't my native and your guitar is loud, but all you did there looked normal

You're also right about the lack of eye contact leading to predation. I still had bruises a few days ago from being attacked by someone. I'm really not that vulnerable by nature, but I held that entire episode in as an act of faith, and I had a lot of trouble coping with the resulting emotions. I had a friend who used to say "It is what it is".

 

[Levitat0r]

You're also right about the lack of eye contact leading to predation. I still had bruises a few days ago from being attacked by someone. I'm really not that vulnerable by nature, but I held that entire episode in as an act of faith, and I had a lot of trouble coping with the resulting emotions. I had a friend who used to say "It is what it is".

The upside to vulnerability, as you said, is that if I confess to you upfront that I know that I'm a weirdo and I'm asking to be forgiven for my nature, then you know to make the effort to get used to it, and see me for who I am outside of the usual conventions, and that's very nice. Self-awareness and apology is good to hear from people, and it's a kind of connection by itself.

 

[Tired]

That's actually very helpful, because it's roughly what I expected to hear, and it gives me some peace that at least I know where I stand. In fact, there were no hand movement or gestures, because I seldom do them, unless I feel extremely comfortable talking to someone. What this boils down to is what I've said about myself already. There is a lot of stuff that people do subconsciously, and I am simply wired differently. It doesn't happen, and if I did it the way you describe, I would be acting Hollywood-style, and that doesn't interest me. It's frustrating that these tiny details, taken together, can leave you sitting in your room alone with nobody in your life, but that's how things work. You're very kind, and I appreciate your comments.

arm and leg movements do mean a lot, and of course no one will ever tell you how much to move them around, if you move them too much - it looks strange, if you don't move them at all - it looks strange, but there is no rules, and literally all of us struggle with knowing how much or little we fidget around, but the total lack will definitely look strange.
what also means a lot is do you non stop just look at me (i mean the head which points straight at me) or you sometimes move it left-right, because if you just look straight all the time it may look robotic or intimidating. the way you "looked at heavens" definitely made me connect to you, and the way you looked to the side at one point while thinking, it felt very natural and adorable.
You're welcome, i'm glad to hear that it may help you

 

[Levitat0r]

The upside to vulnerability, as you said, is that if I confess to you upfront that I know that I'm a weirdo and I'm asking to be forgiven for my nature, then you know to make the effort to get used to it, and see me for who I am outside of the usual conventions, and that's very nice. Self-awareness and apology is good to hear from people, and it's a kind of connection by itself.

I liked to talk to my one-handed friend about her experience, and she would tell me she disliked her voice. She complained she sounded like a "dude", but I knew it was because she probably lacked full control of her vocal chords. She said sometimes her tongue would just flop where it doesn't belong, and it made her sound dumb. I only loved her more. I saw a perfectly healthy, vibrant, and awake person inside her.

 

[Tired]

You're also right about the lack of eye contact leading to predation. I still had bruises a few days ago from being attacked by someone. I'm really not that vulnerable by nature, but I held that entire episode in as an act of faith, and I had a lot of trouble coping with the resulting emotions. I had a friend who used to say "It is what it is".

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that, that's horrible, I hope you're in a safer place now
You can tell me more about that if you want

 

[Levitat0r]

arm and leg movements do mean a lot, and of course no one will ever tell you how much to move them around, if you move them too much - it looks strange, if you don't move them at all - it looks strange, but there is no rules, and literally all of us struggle with knowing how much or little we fidget around, but the total lack will definitely look strange.
what also means a lot is do you non stop just look at me (i mean the head which points straight at me) or you sometimes move it left-right, because if you just look straight all the time it may look robotic or intimidating. the way you "looked at heavens" definitely made me connect to you, and the way you looked to the side at one point while thinking, it felt very natural and adorable.
You're welcome, i'm glad to hear that it may help you

There's really no useful compensation that can be done, or at least not that I would attempt.

 

[Tired]

The upside to vulnerability, as you said, is that if I confess to you upfront that I know that I'm a weirdo and I'm asking to be forgiven for my nature, then you know to make the effort to get used to it, and see me for who I am outside of the usual conventions, and that's very nice. Self-awareness and apology is good to hear from people, and it's a kind of connection by itself.

just dont ask to be forgiven for what you are, just tell about your quirks and let them be, it isn't your fault you have them, nor are they something bad that you need to actually talk about them like that. but yes, i'm sure that it'll help some people to not think just "bruh he's weird", but be more like "bruh he's indeed weird, but i know why so that doesn't freak me out and i'm fine with him being weird"

 

[Levitat0r]

arm and leg movements do mean a lot, and of course no one will ever tell you how much to move them around, if you move them too much - it looks strange, if you don't move them at all - it looks strange, but there is no rules, and literally all of us struggle with knowing how much or little we fidget around, but the total lack will definitely look strange.
what also means a lot is do you non stop just look at me (i mean the head which points straight at me) or you sometimes move it left-right, because if you just look straight all the time it may look robotic or intimidating. the way you "looked at heavens" definitely made me connect to you, and the way you looked to the side at one point while thinking, it felt very natural and adorable.
You're welcome, i'm glad to hear that it may help you

I've been up way too late. I really wish this weren't where my life is at. It's humbling, but sometimes that's exactly what you need. I'll be around. It was very nice talking to you. You're a very gentle and thoughtful person.

 

[Tired]

I liked to talk to my one-handed friend about her experience, and she would tell me she disliked her voice. She complained she sounded like a "dude", but I knew it was because she probably lacked full control of her vocal chords. She said sometimes her tongue would just flop where it doesn't belong, and it made her sound dumb. I only loved her more. I saw a perfectly healthy, vibrant, and awake person inside her.

She sounds delightful and i wish i could meet her, and indeed she's mentally very healthy and vibrant, which a lot of perfect looking people can't tell about themselves

 

[Tired]

I've been up way too late. I really wish this weren't where my life is at. It's humbling, but sometimes that's exactly what you need. I'll be around. It was very nice talking to you. You're a very gentle and thoughtful person.

Was nice talking to you too, have a good rest and see you later

 

[Greening]

Welcome Anna. I am pretty sure you do not need to worry about "breaking some rules" in an unpleasant way. You are awesome!

 

[Levitat0r]

just dont ask to be forgiven for what you are, just tell about your quirks and let them be, it isn't your fault you have them, nor are they something bad that you need to actually talk about them like that. but yes, i'm sure that it'll help some people to not think just "bruh he's weird", but be more like "bruh he's indeed weird, but i know why so that doesn't freak me out and i'm fine with him being weird"

Well, there's some analogy there to the concept of (Christian) repentance. You're intimating to people that you're on the same side, even with regard to your own outward appearance, and that even you fight with yourself; so please be kind. That's all that God ever wanted, for you to side with him against the stuff he doesn't like about you. Then, you don't actually have to be perfect. Anyway, goodnight.

 

[Human Avatar]

These are my 6 main facial expressions -happy , sad , excited, tired , joyful , and of course laughing .

 

[Greening]

Reminds me of the fact that I simply cannot smile to someone if I do not really want to smile.

 

[Tired]

@Tired Anna

Sure I can do that, composing something very sci/fi at the moment, it is my interpretation of what it must feel like discovering a unknown planet in my mind , so it’s a play on motifs of being scared but also the feeling of discovery and intrigue as well. Will have that mixed and done by Wednesday.

Agreed about the Minecraft music , I also like that it is programmed to be random on the game , I think that is what gives the game some of its magic!

I did not hear Bastion Music , I will be sure to check it out . Thanks for the recommendation.sounds like something I would like .

Yeah musical equipment I do both collect , use on my recordings , and also constantly learning about. Actually the song I was describing I put a Theremin on it.

I know the past styles and the way people lived is so interesting to me . I often daydream wondering how life would be experienced in certain periods of time .

I love sci-fi music from mass effect and KOTOR, didn't play any other sci-fi games, i mostly like the rpg stuff, and they mostly go in the medieval era or just magical stuff.

YES! whenever the music randomly kicks in, when you're in the cave digging or strolling around the forest, i always immediately kinda stop and enjoy the scenery, think about life, remember past things I liked doing or regretted saying...and then music stops and you're like "right, well, anyway, digging a hole".

OH MY GOD THEREMIN. i was and still am so fascinated by that damned magical musical instrument and how bizarre yet pleasant it sounds! so you actually have it? was it hard to learn to play on it? did you feel like a wizard while doing it?

Yeah i get it, i sometimes also get that thing called "anemoia", which is "a nostalgia for the things you never had".

 

[Tired]

Welcome Anna. I am pretty sure you do not need to worry about "breaking some rules" in an unpleasant way. You are awesome!

Aww thanks, that's a very kind thing to say and totally doesn't make me blush haha

 

[Tired]

View attachment 124290These are my 6 main facial expressions -happy , sad , excited, tired , joyful , and of course laughing .

well, technically the second from the left is kinda smiling, so you know, it works i guess

also, what about this one? i connect to this batman a lot

 

[Tired]

Reminds me of the fact that I simply cannot smile to someone if I do not really want to smile.

sounds like a thing i'm only learning to do now, same as with not laughing at rude jokes and stuff like that.
at least you perfectly show with your face to people when they don't impress you lol

 

[Greening]

sounds like a thing i'm only learning to do now, same as with not laughing on rude jokes and stuff like that.
at least you perfectly show with your face to people when they don't impress you lol

Blushing is good for the soul.

We all react because of a lot of things, like how we have learned to react in order to be "polite", but it can easily turn into people-pleasing, especially if it is a matter of survival in, for instance in my case, a deeply dysfunctional family. Learning to become visible again is a process for a lot of people of all kinds, autistic or not, I am sure. And learning to love one self unconditionally is another.

 

[Human Avatar]

@Tired Anna

Oh yes KOTOR ! I have heard of it , and always wanted to try playing it, medieval is great I am still hooked on Skyrim ,always play as a Mage , don’t even do much work on it I just conjure and let them do the work and of course I married Serana on the game so I have the most powerful helper !

Agreed about Minecraft the most mundane task becomes so meaningful when the music comes on!

Yeah I have a Moog theramin ! They are very hard to learn how to play very sensitive. Just started learning how to play it , I can’t do complicated melodies yet , but I can do large Portamentos between octave . I consider that sound my attempt at the sounds a spaceship would sound like

I did feel like a wizard conducting frequencies out of the ether while playing it

Same here I have no clue where the certain urges for nostalgia come from. Strange

Good point on Batman, he has a point being awake is sickening!And makes us more human .