how do I get enough alone time while being married

[Bobsterkitty]

Separate bedrooms, even if your spouse or partner is not NT. You heard that right. We've been married for 2+ decades, and it works because we (1) consciously reject most societal expectations that do not serve us, (2) we communicate and both need a ton of alone time to function (3) neither expects that the other is 'everything' (4) we agree to disagree (5) no kids (6) our values are very aligned where it matters; much was determined by the Socratic method (7) separate bedrooms, cut-off at about 10 pm (8) we both feed ourselves (both whole food plant based), I feed the cats (I am more of a caretaker and empath), and sometimes I make dishes to share because I am the much better chef. So, perhaps you can find someone with similar wiring as yours. I would be both agitated and bored with most NTs, they're just not right for me, and when it comes to anything other than having to work with people, I will not be masking and uncomfortable. I have a lot to give and am a great friend, so I need to see that the person I spend much of my energy with appreciates that.

 

[Ella Spell]

My grandparents were married over 50 years and never once shared a bedroom, even during the Depression. Even when they came to visit us we had to prepare two rooms.

 

[uneven]

I think it's actually abnormal for anyone NOT to require time alone by themselves. @uneven your post is interesting because it shows that it's not only women who are needy in a relationship; men can be too. It's unfortunate in both cases. You mentioned childcare: I do wonder if your husband expects you to handle the childcare between you two and that's why he doesn't want you to have your alone time? If that's so, that's not ok either. I guess there could be certain cultures where childcare is firmly relegated to women only.

I hope you two can work this out.

Thank you magna! I agree with you about how it's actually abnormal to not require time alone. For the childcare, we both worked full time. He wanted me to have primary responsibility and to ask him to "help" . Which can be ok, but when I asked him to help by splitting the work, he felt "burdened". It was definitely hard to ask for alone time on top of that. I wasn't accepting of my own Aspie side back then, so I just felt like a weird loser.

 

[uneven]

Separate bedrooms are a must. Separate houses would be even better. I'm not kidding. I can't relationship otherwise. When I'm in the house with someone I need to be alone, either in my pillow fort or in a room with the door shut. I don't even like eating together.

Like it or leave it, but that's me.

yes, yes, again yes!! I can feel others in my physical space and I can't concentrate or relax. It's like an annoying sound in the background. I want to get together with my lover, have a deep communion, then recharge at home.

 

[uneven]

My grandparents were married over 50 years and never once shared a bedroom, even during the Depression. Even when they came to visit us we had to prepare two rooms.

Ella, did you ever talk to them about how they worked out their individual needs? I wonder how they ended up with the separate bedrooms? I want someone like that!!!

 

[Ella Spell]

No I didn't. It didn't occur to me that it was unique or unusual until I got to marriage age myself, and realised how smart they'd been. I look back and wonder if one or both of them were autistic. I'm pretty sure my grandfather was, based on his special interests. She might have been too, but if so she was heavily into masking.

My grandmother was a fashion designer and model after having her children. She was always into appearances. When I was young she used to make me walk with books on my head to improve my posture. Apparently she never let my grandfather see her without makeup, or with wet hair, in their entire 50 years together. She emerged from her bedroom beautifully coiffed like the women from Dynasty or Dallas (TV shows with sophisticated, older women.)

One time a baby fell into our swimming pool and my grandmother instinctively jumped in after her. Her hair got soaked and she had a major panic attack telling everyone to keep my grandfather in the house so he wouldn't see her. You'd think she'd been mauled by a dog based on her panic. My mum had to drive to K-Mart and buy her a blow dryer for her hair because we didn't own one. My mum and grandma had always gone to the beauty parlour to get their hair done, rather than washing or drying it at home. My mum still has that blow dryer and it makes me laugh. I don't think anyone's used it since.

I kind of think they had separate bedrooms so she could make herself beautiful in the mornings before he saw her, but I wouldn't be surprised if part of it was also a need to be alone, and heightened sensory sensitivity when sharing a room. I can't sleep with anyone in my room or my bed or I get night terrors and beat them in my sleep. The sensory input of having someone breathe or move around next to me is just too much to handle.

 

[kenaij]

Thank you! I talked, but he only heard "I don't want to be with you". He couldn't conceive of needing alone time and being deeply in love at the same time. Having a son made this so much worse, because I was "burdening" him with childcare. Unfortunately, he did not have any hobbies or special needs/interests, so I couldn't support him as well.

I know there have been many other replies after this. But that sentence 'burdening' him just made me rage. There are still so many men in a relationship with kids like this. I absolutely hate it. He is as much parent as you are. And 3 hours is not a long time at all!
I`m lucky enough my wife is pretty much the only person I can sit with in the same room and still feel some sort of alone time. Sometimes she wants me to stroke her legs or something when we are on the couch at night. When we are both doing our own thing. That does not count as alone time. But when we are doing something during the day and the kids are around we naturally take on the role one at a time. She will tell the kids to leave me alone because I`m doing something for myself. And this also happens the other way around.
So sadly I cannot give you any advice from experience. But other than open communication about what you need and if you can explain why you need it. Should be enough.

 

[Aspychata]

I thrash when l sleep, move too much, so it's difficult for me to sleep with someone. And my guy is very visual, so he doesn't need the snoring, mouth drooling version of me, in all honesty. Plus l love sleeping in a pirouette position which takes up too much room. It has to be two bedrooms for my relationships. If my partner became disabled, then l may have to revisit that, or set up a alert, so that they could summon me, but l believe that isn't a issue.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

You don't even have three hours to yourself per week?

Let him know that you need time to be alone, so you can recharge, and become a better you for him.

Do you have children with him?

Maybe, and I don't know for sure, he wants not more clingy time with you, but more quality time. If it's possible, plan special time together. Like a drive or a cookout or something. Not just dinner in front of the tv or scrolling your phones quietly by side. Something really special, at least once a week.

Perhaps a hobby you both share? And most days, during the daytime, going your own ways, so that you can work, relax, and also find solitude. Coming together in the evenings, to enjoy each other's presence.

But yeah, you have to have time for yourself and your friends. Do you have time alone when you go shopping? Maybe drive to a lookout and just hang out, and stare out over the vista.

Maybe he thinks you're so foxy, that he believes every guy out there has a crush on you? I don't know.

 

[Tom]

Tell him he's lucky. I need 3 hours alone time a day!

It just comes with autism. Not a reflection on him. I'd kick the President of the United States, the Pope or even Santa Claus out if I exceeded my human interaction quota for the day.

 

[uneven]

No I didn't. It didn't occur to me that it was unique or unusual until I got to marriage age myself, and realised how smart they'd been. I look back and wonder if one or both of them were autistic. I'm pretty sure my grandfather was, based on his special interests. She might have been too, but if so she was heavily into masking.

My grandmother was a fashion designer and model after having her children. She was always into appearances. When I was young she used to make me walk with books on my head to improve my posture. Apparently she never let my grandfather see her without makeup, or with wet hair, in their entire 50 years together. She emerged from her bedroom beautifully coiffed like the women from Dynasty or Dallas (TV shows with sophisticated, older women.)

One time a baby fell into our swimming pool and my grandmother instinctively jumped in after her. Her hair got soaked and she had a major panic attack telling everyone to keep my grandfather in the house so he wouldn't see her. You'd think she'd been mauled by a dog based on her panic. My mum had to drive to K-Mart and buy her a blow dryer for her hair because we didn't own one. My mum and grandma had always gone to the beauty parlour to get their hair done, rather than washing or drying it at home. My mum still has that blow dryer and it makes me laugh. I don't think anyone's used it since.

I kind of think they had separate bedrooms so she could make herself beautiful in the mornings before he saw her, but I wouldn't be surprised if part of it was also a need to be alone, and heightened sensory sensitivity when sharing a room. I can't sleep with anyone in my room or my bed or I get night terrors and beat them in my sleep. The sensory input of having someone breathe or move around next to me is just too much to handle.

thank you for sharing this story about your grandparents. Of course I have a million other questions about them and their relationship. (I love asking too many questions! It's like I'm still a curious 3 year old. In fact, I get along wonderfully with them because I don't care how many questions they ask. And then I start asking them questions, which usually results in a wonderful time. And mutually educational. ) I would wonder if your grandfather appreciated her attempts at consistent beauty perfection, or wished she wouldn't care so much. It all sounds like too much anxiety!!

 

[uneven]

Tell him he's lucky. I need 3 hours alone time a day!

It just comes with autism. Not a reflection on him. I'd kick the President of the United States, the Pope or even Santa Claus out if I exceeded my human interaction quota for the day.

what happens to you if you have to go over your human interaction quota?

 

[uneven]

You don't even have three hours to yourself per week?

Let him know that you need time to be alone, so you can recharge, and become a better you for him.

Do you have children with him?

Maybe, and I don't know for sure, he wants not more clingy time with you, but more quality time. If it's possible, plan special time together. Like a drive or a cookout or something. Not just dinner in front of the tv or scrolling your phones quietly by side. Something really special, at least once a week.

Perhaps a hobby you both share? And most days, during the daytime, going your own ways, so that you can work, relax, and also find solitude. Coming together in the evenings, to enjoy each other's presence.

But yeah, you have to have time for yourself and your friends. Do you have time alone when you go shopping? Maybe drive to a lookout and just hang out, and stare out over the vista.

Maybe he thinks you're so foxy, that he believes every guy out there has a crush on you? I don't know.

THank you so much for sharing so many ideas!!
I can "sneak" time to myself, such as the time between when I get home and he comes home, or if he leaves the house for an errand, etc. And I do sneak this time and I am grateful. But it isn't the same as looking forward to a solid span of time that I can count on to recharge.
I would love to share a hobby, but it wouldn't substitute for private time. We did love cookouts and would do it quite often!! Great idea.
I could go to my friend's house without him, he wasn't that "controlling", and he understood this need, but going to my friend's house would increase my need to recharge, not decrease it. Going shopping is not being alone, as there are other people all around.
We do have a son, who I love very much, but he drains me, too! It's just so hard.


Do you have a relationship? how do you handle it for yourself?

 

[Tom]

what happens to you if you have to go over your human interaction quota?

I start to turn Japanese.

 

[uneven]

I thrash when l sleep, move too much, so it's difficult for me to sleep with someone. And my guy is very visual, so he doesn't need the snoring, mouth drooling version of me, in all honesty. Plus l love sleeping in a pirouette position which takes up too much room. It has to be two bedrooms for my relationships. If my partner became disabled, then l may have to revisit that, or set up a alert, so that they could summon me, but l believe that isn't a issue.

Was it hard to get him to accept two bedrooms? Did it strain your relationship? Does he support alone time (if you need it)?

 

[uneven]

I start to turn Japanese.

View attachment 111372

ok, I'm going to assume that you are kidding around with me. Were you offended by my question? Would you be willing to answer it?

 

[Aspychata]

Thanks for asking. It's really nice, because he appreciates the quality time l give him, no fighting, great cooking, alot of happiness.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Walking is difficult for me so my wife shops alone goes for long walks 2 hours gives me ample alone time she likes to shop fortunately shopping involves walking. We walk together 2 km as part of my rehab the morning.

 

[Tom]

ok, I'm going to assume that you are kidding around with me. Were you offended by my question? Would you be willing to answer it?

Yes, I do like to kid. But was only partially not serious.

To me humanity is divided into 2 groups. My family, pets and the rest of the world. I do not mind being around my family but they do understand I am not one to engage in continual interaction. So we spend a lot of time together, in the same room but doing our own thing. I guess the key there is we have already worked out our needs and how to deal with it. Though we do need to tweak it regulary. But if you are not family or a pet (I'll accept some one elses pet - have a soft spot for animals) and I exceed my people interaction limit I do sort of become like a deranged Samurai. If it's my space out they will go. Politely if possible, not very politely if necessary. If it is not my space out I will go.

Being in a ASD/NT marriage, communication and need for mutual understanding is very important. How you get there depends on the two involved. At one point we scheduled a regular sit down time outside the house to talk these things thru (weekly). That lasted a few years. Over time you can get better at it and not need to work on it so much.

 

[Crossbreed]

When things were good, my wife had hobbies that she would do alone, like fishing or rummage sale-ing.* That gave me alone time, too. She did not mind if I went to the cinema alone, if she was not interested in the movie. (One of our financial arrangements was if one of us made a recreational purchase, the other received matching funds.)

I spend a lot of time in my office/studio/study/man cave fooling around with my hobbies, but I leave my door open in case I am needed elsewhere. In better times, affection was maintained incidentally (which I still have with my ward/daughter [with appropriate boundaries]).

After the onset of my wife's depression, I had too much alone time...

*I believe that she is ADHD, which is said to be closely related to autism.